The Herm Edwards Bible

[Direckshun]

Here's a boom-or-bust, 400-post or 0-post thread for bored Chiefs fans.

I think we can all agree Herm Edwards is far more straightforward in his football philosophies than most coaches.

Well submit your axioms that you honestly believe that Herm Edwards follows when it comes to building a football team, and hark!, I shalt do mine best to incorporate them into a two- or three-book mini-Bible, written in the holiest of prose, and constantly adapting to incorporate your newly-added Commandments.

The axioms can relate to offense, defense, leadership, game strategies, team chemistry, public speaking, his own personal history ("and Dungy begat Edwards") -- whatever you can reasonably relate to Herm. The more the better, I would ideally like this to be a good-sized Good Book.

A couple serious axioms I can think up off the top of my head (I figure you folks won't have any trouble thinking up punchlines) would be like the following:

• Thou shalt build thy teams through the Draft.
• Thou shalt draft Best Player Available.
• Thou shalt not get things twisted.

Then I'll take your suggestions later and try to write out The New Testament Of Herm or whatever. The following is what I've got so far for this gloriously makeshift Holy Word.

The Book of Herm

Chapter 1

1 In 1978, year of our Lord, the Ancient Giants found themselves ensconced in a comfortable lead in the waning seconds of a 17-12 victory over thine Golden Eagles upon the gridiron of the Meadowlands. 2 All that stood between themselves and victory was a 3rd-and-2 kneel-down to kill off the remaining seconds off the clock. 3 But in those crucial seconds that echo throughout the Heavens and the Earth, there would be no kneel-down. 5 Instead, a Miracle reared itself, as the Lord slipped the ball from the hands of Pisarcik, and from this Immaculate Separation doth borne Herman Edwards. 6 To be known among God’s children as “Herm,” he made good work of the Lord’s blessing, hauling the fumbled treasure 26-yards for a defensive touchdown and a 19-17 shocker. Prodigy was borne this day.

7 Truly infused in the mind of this man of football was a dedication to all that is righteous and outspoken. 8 Herm would grow into a head coach and spiritual learner of this most holiest of sports, enduring trials and tribulations in the strange lands of Tampa Bay and New York, before riding into Arrowhead, the Lord’s Promised Land, on the back of a 4th round pick.

9 His words would ring throughout the press, enlightening and befuddling a city that continued to worship the false idol Dick Vermeil. 10 He implored to his newfound flock that they misunderstood what a successful organization looked like. That they, in fact, knew not what they do.

11 And upon Arrowhead Drive he stood in a snappy sweater vest, and thus began Herman’s Sermon on the Mount. 12 A truer test of character the world had never known.

[FAX]

And the media did cry with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Herm, dost thou not avenge our losses and mighty concussions and embarrassments in post season?

And in the right hand of him that sat before the microphone was a book written within and without and sealed with seven seals. And behold, then did Herm sayeth in a voice like unto famine, This is thy playbook which I shalt destroy that no man may say that our offense shalt be a circus nor shalt one say evermore that our alignments be complex, for deserveth thee not! And the media wept much, because no man was found worthy to open and to read the book, neither to look thereon. And so did the fans cast dust on their heads, and rend their garments of red and gold, and cried, weeping and wailing, saying, Alas, alas, the great offense, wherein were all made rich who had wagereth on the over under by reason of her touchdowns, for in this hour is she made desolate!

FAX

[CoMoChief]

Thou shall play to win the game.

Thou shall at the end of the day.

Thou shall that's the great thing about it.

Thou shall go down and kick FG's.

Thou shall run, run, pass, punt.

[big nasty kcnut]

Thou Shalt let herm play to win thy game so he may blessed thy with that win.

[Tribal Warfare]

Thou shalt not worship Trent Green for he is a false idol.

[Stewie]

FAX's post was awesome and anything I could add is futile.

[DaFace]

Originally Posted by joey

Thou Shalt Pound Thy Johnson

Are you sure you're talking about a football philosophy?

[DMAC]

Originally Posted by DaFace

Are you sure you're talking about a football philosophy?

It's either that, or it's the reason Herm does not watch football on TV.

[KurtCobain]

Originally Posted by DaFace

Are you sure you're talking about a football philosophy?

I can't really remember...

[FAX]

And there appeared before the media a great wonder in heaven; an angel in soiled cloth, and feet of grass, and upon his head a crown of twelve dents: and this was the angel of the run.

And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having five heads and five horns, and seven great gouges upon his five heads: and this was the angel of the draw.

And behold, did Herm sayeth with a loud voice as it were the sound of hail and fire mingled with blood, These shalt be thy offense for I have created such for thee: for thee hast I created them, and for thy pleasure they are and were created! And woe to the inhabiters of Arrowhead and the unbelieving and the whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters who shalt call for the pass or the play action, for by reason of these voices shalt great torment befall any who so calleth!

And lo, did then the angel and the dragon cast themselves like unto death into a wall of stone and fall mightly into a forsaken pile of smoke and spittle. And then did the fans beat their chests and cry to the heavens themselves, Oh fall upon us and cast us into the sea that we may not lay sight to the end of scoring and may not hear the sound of 3rd and long!

FAX

[Baby Lee]

I wouldst tolerate my man, Dickecurl, who calls himself a a keeper of the vagaries of temporal progress. Lo, though he teaches and seduces me to commit metaphysical boneheadery, and to eat timeouts sacrificed to the abyss
I gave him time to repent, and he assures me of great and mystical improvement since the time of York.
Behold, though you wish to throw him into a pit, and those who commit such disgerence with him into great oppression, I've been assured that he repents of his works.

[HemiEd]

Thou shalt "see ball", thou shalt "go get ball."

[blueballs]

Every Sunday is the
Sermon on the Pound

[FAX]

Originally Posted by Baby Lee

I wouldst tolerate my man, Dickecurl, who calls himself a a keeper of the vagaries of temporal progress. Lo, though he teaches and seduces me to commit metaphysical boneheadery, and to eat timeouts sacrificed to the abyss
I gave him time to repent, and he assures me of great and mystical improvement since the time of York.
Behold, though you wish to throw him into a pit, and those who commit such disgerence with him into great oppression, I've been assured that he repents of his works.

And the fans did cry out to Herm, O Herm, forsaketh thee thou Dickecurl! For hast he not proven himself defiled and an abomination before thy people, and before the league, and before the third graders?

And behold, Herm replied in a voice like unto the rushing waters in a river of disease, Sayest thou not! For who knows whereof the time is at hand? Are there not four quarters? And are not the length and the breadth and the height of it equal before me? Let no man say that Dickecurl is unjust. For he that is unjust, let him be unjust still: and he which is filthy, let him be filthy still: and he that is righteous, let him be righteous still: and he that is reeruned, let him be reeruned still.

And lo, did Herm then smite the media: and he smote them with a rod of iron and cast them into the winepress of fierceness and so did he dip them also thereunto the lake of blood whereon the media did write the praises of Dickecurl that the people might worship him also.

FAX

[Baby Lee]

Originally Posted by FAX

the winepress of fierceness

Hey!! How'd you know the nickname for mah wang?

[FAX]

Originally Posted by Baby Lee

Hey!! How'd you know the nickname for mah wang?

It's the Herm Edwards Bible, Mr. Baby Lee.

All things are revealed in the HEB.

FAX