CP Prez: The Candidates' Positions on Controversial Issues

[Rain Man]

Presented in the order in which they were submitted:

Democrat Joey

Abortion
I would make it easier to get abortions
All that matters to Joey is you the people. Cause people are cool. Babies cry alot. So I say, kill the babies. Then market the meat.

Iraq and Afghanistan
I would increase our investment/troop commitment These god damned towel heads need proper guidance. So Joey is all for sending in more troops to play vhs copies of Lenny and the old Chiefs for every muslim out there. There is hope for them. They can be Chiefs fans. And then, instead of running amuck in the east, they can travel to the US to kill Carl Peterson and Herman Edwards. Because they are not cool.


War on Terrorism
I would increase our investment
You wanna know what terrorism is? It's taking a ****ing great football like the Kansas City Chiefs, and taking a huge shit on it as a whole. And that's why, with me as President, I will commit to King Carl being terrorist threat numero uno, and to his death. Cheers!

Drug Crimes
I would increase enforcement/prosecution
The Joey campaign has a strong belief that there would be no point to a Friday night without hookers, weed and blow. And Friday nights are cool. Joey Cool.

Gay Marriage
I would ban gay marriage
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. not cool.

Illegal Immigration
I would keep the policy roughly the same as it is now
While this is a huge problem, I will announce the huger problem. These immagrants are coming up through Cali and Texas and becoming Dallas/Texans/Oakland/49er fans. THIS IS BULLSHIT. We will capture everyone one of them and turn them into idiot KC homer fans who think Brodie Croyle is the second coming of Jesus himself. Because Jesus is cool.

The Space Program
I would decrease/eliminate funding
That's way the **** up there. **** space.

Oil Drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve
I would allow drilling
Oh **** yeah. Screw the environment. Oil is cool.

Statehood for Puerto Rico
I would release Puerto Rico from U.S. trusteeship.
They don't deserve shit.

The Bailout
I would support a larger bailout.
You just can't spend enough of peoples money, especially if they let you do it. Because exploiting the voting public is cool.

The Death Penalty
I would make it easier to execute prisoners
Kill all non-cool people.


Republican SNR

Abortion
I would keep abortion policies roughly the same

I have no opinion on abortion. Outlawing it will only create "black market" abortions, and needlessly put innocent mothers and doctors in jail. At the same time, declaring it flat-out legal seems to lean towards more credence as a medical procedure, and thus women may think the government needs to step in to help if we lean towards a single-payer health care system. I remain neutral on this issue.


Iraq and Afghanistan
I would decrease/eliminate our investment/troop commitment

War on Terrorism
I would decrease involvement.

Get rid of the Patriot Act immediately. Also, take the troops from abroad and put them in on border security

Drug Crimes
I would decrease/eliminate enforcement/prosecution

The War on Drugs is obviously not working. We need to work towards decriminalization of drug posession. In the meantime, RIGHT NOW medical marijuana needs to be decriminalized.

Gay Marriage
None of the above (Must be explained)

Marriage is a religious institution. Always has been. Churches should have the private right whether to recognize a same sex couple as a legitimate bond or not. At the state level, all unions should be the same, whether you call it "marriage" or "civil union" or "life devotion" or whatever. And I mean this should be handled on the state level, not the federal level.

Illegal Immigration
I would increase enforcement of immigration laws and borders

Tighter security, and no amnesty. I would not build a fence, because that's just stupid. I would not deport however many million illegals live in the country, either because of how it would affect the job market and the economy in general.

We need less immigration, legal or illegal. Here's a good youtube video to demonstrate:




The Space Program
I would keep resources roughly the same as they are now

The space program doesn't need any more money unless we need to send Bruce Willis to an asteroid to blow it up to save mankind


Oil Drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve
I would allow drilling

It's up to business, not the government. The state of Alaska needs to administer this issue carefully

Statehood for Puerto Rico

I would maintain Puerto Rico’s territory status

**** Puerto Rico

The Bailout
I would support a smaller bailout or no bailout.

The economy has not hit rock bottom yet. It will not grow from here. The bad debt NEEDS to be liquidated. It has to be removed, and we have to let these companies go under. Bite the bullet now, and be better off in the long run. Much like the Chiefs firing Edwards now midway through the season and setting up for the future

The Death Penalty
I would make it harder to execute prisoners, or would ban the death penalty

As president, I would not be able to knowingly sign off on a piece of paper to have another human killed. I don't think the government has that right.

Affirmative Action for Minorities and Women
I would decrease/remove affirmative action programs

Not a huge deal on my radar, but my personal stance is the government doesn't have the right to frame out who businesses can and can't hire. This is my personal stance, but as president I likely wouldn't touch these areas, and if new bills came across my desk about affirmative action, I would simply veto them to stop new programs from being created.Republican


Ultra Peanut

Abortion - I would keep the policy roughly the same as it is now

Abortion is a political football.

Iraq and Afghanistan - I would decrease/eliminate our investment/troop commitment

Draw down in Iraq and focus on the real enemy -- the one we DIDN'T create -- in Afghanistan. Gradually hand back responsibility to the Iraqi government, allowing them to focus on preventing an all-out civil war in their country, while we lock down Al Qaeda in Afghanistan and work with Pakistan diplomatically to keep them from using the border regions as safe havens. We absolutely cannot force our troops to fight an open-ended mission with no end in sight. Our goals should be to quell Al Qaeda and, most importantly, work on strengthening the infrastructure of Afghanistan so that it's strong enough to prevent Al Qaeda from flaring back up in the future.

War on Terrorism - I would decrease/eliminate our investment

The War on Terror has been an unmitigated disaster, which first started when we declared war on such a broad, globe- and history-spanning concept. It hasn't made us any safer, but by golly it sure has infringed on our civil liberties! Yeehaw! The one way to truly let the terrorists win is to trample our own Constitution in the name of fighting them.

Drug Crimes - I would decrease/eliminate enforcement/prosecution

Where to begin? Marijuana should be decriminalized, and for harder drugs, Bunny Colvin's words ring true as a bare minimum solution: Create a "paper bag" for drugs. The illegality of drugs is what makes them such a devastating presence in a community, even moreso than their effects on individuals. It's also impossible to truly rehabilitate someone if they're cut off from the outside world.

If someone suggests a War on (Idea) at this point, please, for the good of the nation: Chloroform them until they pass out.

Gay Marriage - I would recognize gay marriage

A church is well within its rights to not marry a same-sex couple. Similarly, if a church wants to marry a gay couple, no one should stand in their way. The government should deal in civil unions, which all adult couples should have the right to pursue. Anything less would be uncivilized. Seriously.

Illegal Immigration - I would increase enforcement of immigration laws and borders

Illegal immigration is a major concern, but far too often politicians use illegal immigrants as scapegoats without actually worrying about fixing it. Enforce the laws, sure, but the fact is that our current immigration system is next to impossible for the well-off to navigate. Is it any wonder that destitute people are circumventing that? Fences are nice, but they provide far less security than a system with less bureaucratic obstacles and legal options for those who wish to be a part of our work force. Guest worker programs are feasible and essential, and would greatly help address the issue without crippling our economy (further) in the process.

The Space Program - I would increase funding

Private space exploration is exciting, but still in its infancy. NASA can bridge the gap and also provide us with resulting technological development on things like cell phones. Space is a key to humanity's future, and also, need I remind everyone? It's REALLY ****ING COOL.

Oil Drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve - I would allow only very limited drilling

Anwar Phillips went undrafted in 2006. Shame.

Statehood for Puerto Rico - I would maintain Puerto Rico’s territory status

Puerto Rico is in a state of limbo, and Puerto Ricans themselves are greatly divided on the issue. It's an incredibly touchy topic, but the fact of the matter is that no clear solution currently presents itself. This means that the only choice we have is for Puerto Rico to maintain its Commonwealth status until it makes enough progress in one direction or the other to really choose. Either extreme would be far too drastic at this point. Savio Vega represent. R.I.P. Brody.

The Bailout - I would support a smaller bailout or no bailout.

The solution is not simply to get angry at these irresponsible businesses, but to ensure that it doesn't happen again. In an ideal world, this bailout would be much smaller. In an ideal world, however, the circumstances that allowed this situation to boil over would not have been in place in the first place. Without the rampant deregulation which has characterized this past decade, institutions would not have been allowed to pass around mortgage-backed securities and the like as if they were candy and it was Little Freddie's fifth birthday party. Sadly, the floating brown thing in the pool at this birthday party was NOT a Twix, and the current plan does NOT adequately address the need for further oversight.

The Death Penalty - I would make it harder to execute prisoners, or would ban the death penalty

Even the slightest risk of killing an innocent person is far too great for anyone to be gung-ho about the death penalty. Blood should not be on our hands if at all possible, and this is a case where it's possible to avoid that.

Unless Carlos Mencia or the person who popularized the Papyrus font happened to be up for the chair. In that case, fry 'em.

Affirmative Action for Minorities and Women - I would keep the policy roughly the same as it is now

Oh look, it's everyone's favorite bogeyman.

Democrat Cronus

Abortion
I would keep the policy roughly the same. The government spends far too much on the issue. Instead we should be funding IR&D for Stem Cell Research.

Iraq and Afghanistan
I would decrease our investment & troop commitment. Immediate phased withdrawal and a longer term but similar withdrawal from Afghanistan.

War on Terrorism
I would decrease our investment. Quit trying to scare the American people with false alerts (crying wolf is so childish). The funding would be shifted to more port inspections, better Border control, and securing our energy and communications infrastructure.

Drug Crimes
I would decrease/eliminate enforcement/prosecution. I would make virtually all drug use legal and tax it.

Gay Marriage
I would recognize gay marriage.

Illegal Immigration
I would increase enforcement of immigration laws and borders. Troops along our borders instead of Foreign countries (repealing the law against it). No fences, the concept just won't work. Most importantly we will impose heavy employer sanctions on hiring illegals, it's about supply and demand.

The Space Program
I would keep resources roughly the same as they are now but eliminate NASA as a separate agency, NASA would come under our Department of Transportation.

Oil Drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve
I would not allow drilling in ANWR, I would leave coast drilling up to the states where the platforms would be near.

Statehood for Puerto Rico
I would sponsor Puerto Rico for statehood. If they did not want Statehood I would release them from being a territory.

The Bailout
I would support a smaller bailout or no bailout. Any bailout would be dependent on immediate payback in the form of transaction taxes and taxes on the interest being acrued by the agencies being bailed out. CEOs and other higher level management would work for the minimum wage until the bailout loans were paid back in full. All golden parachutes would be canceled

The Death Penalty
I would make it easier to execute prisoners, or I would ban the death penalty. The policy now is not equitable to either the government or the guilty.

Affirmative Action for Minorities & Women
I would expand affirmative action programs to better cover all peoples suffering from discrimination, but ensure this doesn't result in reverse discrimination for qualified candidates. This will not be easy but my administration is committed to equity

Democrat Direckshun

Direckshun's staff is still preparing his position papers.

[Direckshun]

I'm suspending my campaign to respond to the economic crisis.

[RealSNR]

Originally Posted by Direckshun

I'm suspending my campaign to respond to the economic crisis.

^
|

More of the same

[Ultra Peanut]

votin Direckshun

[luv]

I've yet to read about anyone who views the Pro-Life vs Pro-Choice issue the way I do. Cronus used equity instead of equality in the Affirmative Action section. I highly agree. People should not be discriminated against, but they should not be allowed to not be held accountable or get extra compensation for doing less just for the sake of equality.

[MIAdragon]

Originally Posted by luv

I've yet to read about anyone who views the Pro-Life vs Pro-Choice issue the way I do. Cronus used equity instead of equality in the Affirmative Action section. I highly agree. People should not be discriminated against, but they should not be allowed to not be held accountable or get extra compensation for doing less just for the sake of equality.

Yes but do you support eating the fetus?

[luv]

Originally Posted by MIAdragon

Yes but do you support eating the fetus?

Dude! Were you at the bash? Rausch and sedated were talking about butting aborted fetuses on Arby's roast beef sandwiches.