Hypothetical: Serving as a Prison Proxy

[Rain Man]

In the Civil War, a rich person who was drafted into the Army could pay someone else to serve for him as a "substitute". One would think that this was a popular program among wealthy people.

In a hypothetical situation, assume that a scandal occurs in Congress of epic proportions. It appears that 52 Senators are about to go to prison for selling their votes to fund a new program to build a hypersonic stagecoach.

In a late-night voting session, the Senate and House approve a bill that allows people to pay someone else to serve time for them in prison. The final Senate vote was 52 to 48 to approve it.

You are approached by a wealthy business owner from your state by the name of Hiram Higginbotham. Mr. Higginbotham is willing to pay you to serve a one-year prison term that he got due to inciting a brawl in a wine and cheese bar.

You don't know the exact prison you'd be going to, but you can generally assume that it is a state prison with the following attributes:

1. You'll share a cell with one random prisoner.

2. 10 percent of prisoners are violent criminals, 10 percent are gang members, and 80 percent are nonviolent.

3. You'll be in your cell for 14 hours a day, working for 6, in a big group room for another 2, then 1 hour for meals and 1 hour outside.

4. You will have "wake up" and "lights out" at specified times.

5. Your work will likely involve cleaning stuff, working in the prison laundry, working in the prison cafeteria, or work of a similar nature. You'll earn roughly 28 cents an hour that will go into your prison commissary account.

6. You can be visited by your immediate family (spouse, kids, parents, etc.) and by an attorney or other advocate.

7. The cost of your room and board is, of course, provided by the state.

You will be allowed to tell anyone you wish - inside or outside prison - that you are there as a "substitute" and it will not appear on your criminal record. Assume that society views serving as a "substitute" to be a relatively low-class activity, but recognizes that it's not like being a felon or anything.


What's the lowest amount that you would take to serve Mr. Higginbotham's sentence?

[ptlyon]

Don't forget getting cornholed on a regular basis

[Coochie liquor]

I think it would have to be a year and a day. Otherwise you just go to county. So are we talking prison or jail? I'd be willing to serve at either for 700k. But id come in about 1.5 mil and settle closer to 600k-800k

[Coochie liquor]

Originally Posted by ptlyon

Don't forget getting cornholed on a regular basis

That's just an added bonus. Half this site would prob have more sex in prison than they do on the outside. Although it may be forced in prison...

[Mr. Laz]

one weird dude

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Coochie liquor

I think it would have to be a year and a day. Otherwise you just go to county. So are we talking prison or jail? I'd be willing to serve at either for 700k. But id come in about 1.5 mil and settle closer to 600k-800k

State prison, and okay, a year and a day. I'll defer to your expertise.

[Otter]

Tax free?

[Predarat]

It would have to be enough for me to basically buy a nice decent house paid in full, and not have to worry about bills and such ever again. I could basically retire, but carry a non stressful job that I can leave for trips and such whenever the hell I want.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Otter

Tax free?

Yeah, just to keep it easy.


I said I wouldn't do it for any amount of money, but the more I think about it, I might do it for $2 million. I'd sacrifice one year for an early retirement and hope that I don't get a bad roomie or have gang problems. But even at $2 million I'd be on the fence.

[Otter]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Yeah, just to keep it easy.


I said I wouldn't it for any amount of money, but the more I think about it, I might do it for $2 million. I'd sacrifice one year for an early retirement and hope that I don't get a bad roomie or have gang problems. But even at $2 million I'd be on the fence.

I have no experience with the prison system (once I was caught driving with an expired inspection however) but I've watched a couple "Locked up Abroad" episodes that were absolutely frighting. Some of those South American, Russian and Eastern European prisons will give you nightmares let alone the middle east and Asian ones.

Even with the threat of being raped, beat up, robbed, having "I Love Bubba" unwillingly tattooed in large print across your back and never being able to take off your shirt again if I was guaranteed to make out the other side alive I'd be willing to negotiate. But I can't risk dying in prison even if the odds are on my side.

No dice senator!

[The Franchise]

It would have to be for more than $2 million.

Any chance I can maneuver my way into solitary for the year?

[alnorth]

It would probably take $3MM for me.

I am assuming that regardless of how tolerant society might be as you describe, I assume I would still lose my job for being away a year and I might not get a similar job because the potential future employer would see my decision-making as being very weird and questionable. I therefore assume I would muddle along with lower-paying jobs for 25 years while my "substitute pay" grows in an investment account until I retire.

If the 1 year sentence was risk-free, I'd probably accept $1.5MM which would probably grow to about $5-6MM before I retire. Since this scenario also comes with all the well-known risks of prison, I doubled it.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Pestilence

It would have to be for more than $2 million.

Any chance I can maneuver my way into solitary for the year?

You might be able to if you're unruly, but that might increase your sentence. Your call.

[The Franchise]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

You might be able to if you're unruly, but that might increase your sentence. Your call.

I wonder if I could pull off possibly bribing my cell mate or one of the guards.

[Graystoke]

Conjugal Visits?