Poop The poop thread to end all poop threads

DenverChief · 12-31-2015, 10:26 PM

So I went and had a nice pre-NYE festivities meal with the hubby at Blackeyed Pea and had a delicious Chicken Fried Steak. Of course I ate myself to almost the bursting point because the food is delicious and the portions are ridiculous. I should mention at this point that the restaurant is about a 25 min drive from the house. About 10 minutes into the ride home, my stomach flips and I feel an intense pressure in my lower abdomen the likes haven't felt in years. I not so subtly tell my SO that he needs to step on it to get us home ASAP. I'm sure he could tell by the look on my face that it was urgent.

With each passing minute the pressure gets worse and I begin to sweat, beads running down my forehead. I decide to try and ease the pressure with a little push and hopefully only a fart - and yes I am fortunate - but the stench I release is akin to 1000 corpses rotting in a hot August sun. My SO looks at me like I had just murdered the queen and rolls down all four windows in 13 degree weather. I manage to temper the storm brewing in my stomach with little farts that continued to reek like death from my bowels.

Fast forward to pulling up to the house - belt: undone, Pants: unzipped, holding them up with one hand and "running" to the toilet - alas I sit down and fire that demon torpedo off into the toilet and breath a sigh of relief - I feel like I have just given birth to a child - huffing and panting - I finish my business.

I stand up, flush the toilet and look back at the ****er that caused me so much grief and to my disbelief the ****er is stuck to the back of the bowl. Water swirling around it. I'm a little perplexed, I flush twice more, nothing. Holding on for dear life....I don't know what to do.....Any advice? Antifreeze at the ready....

C3HIEF3S · 12-31-2015, 10:28 PM

Just use your hand.

Dayze · 12-31-2015, 10:38 PM

A beautiful description of a poop episode.

".....like I had just murdered the Queen"

DenverChief · 12-31-2015, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by C3HIEF3S

Just use your hand.

Eh, I guess I could use my left, because I eat with my right.

DenverChief · 12-31-2015, 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dayze

A beautiful description of a poop episode.

".....like I had just murdered the Queen"

*takes a bow*

I will let you know if any more hell demons cling to the bowl - hopefully if it does happen it's at someone elses house

DenverChief · 12-31-2015, 10:51 PM

wow - www.ratemypoo.com has already rated my hell turd a "10"

**Baby Lee** · 12-31-2015, 11:20 PM

The sad thing is, I'm guessing makeup/amends sex was off the table for a while.

**2112** · 12-31-2015, 11:23 PM

You need to start eating yogurt. That's some pretty dense fecal matter.

**007** · 12-31-2015, 11:41 PM

So there is no sink to wash your hands after you grab some toilet paper to move it?

DenverChief · 12-31-2015, 11:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby Lee

The sad thing is, I'm guessing makeup/amends sex was off the table for a while.

. indeed it is.

DenverChief · 12-31-2015, 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by D2112

You need to start eating yogurt. That's some pretty dense fecal matter.

Yogurt eh? I typically eat drink a probiotic on a daily.

DenverChief · 12-31-2015, 11:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guru

So there is no sink to wash your hands after you grab some toilet paper to move it?

I. Just. Can't.

listopencil · 12-31-2015, 11:55 PM

Get a bunch of these and spray it in there until the poop is covered. Maybe it will slide down into the water:

listopencil · 12-31-2015, 11:58 PM

Idea #2: Hire a trained poop monkey to grab it out of there for you. You'll have to wait. The poop monkey store is probably closed on New Year's Day.

listopencil · 12-31-2015, 11:59 PM

Idea #3: Shut the water off and remove the toilet. Dispose of the entire toilet in the dumpster behind Dunkin' Donuts. Buy a new toilet from Home Depot and install it.

12-31-2015, 10:26 PM
DenverChief MVP Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Rocky Ford Casino cash: $5599867	The poop thread to end all poop threads So I went and had a nice pre-NYE festivities meal with the hubby at Blackeyed Pea and had a delicious Chicken Fried Steak. Of course I ate myself to almost the bursting point because the food is delicious and the portions are ridiculous. I should mention at this point that the restaurant is about a 25 min drive from the house. About 10 minutes into the ride home, my stomach flips and I feel an intense pressure in my lower abdomen the likes haven't felt in years. I not so subtly tell my SO that he needs to step on it to get us home ASAP. I'm sure he could tell by the look on my face that it was urgent. With each passing minute the pressure gets worse and I begin to sweat, beads running down my forehead. I decide to try and ease the pressure with a little push and hopefully only a fart - and yes I am fortunate - but the stench I release is akin to 1000 corpses rotting in a hot August sun. My SO looks at me like I had just murdered the queen and rolls down all four windows in 13 degree weather. I manage to temper the storm brewing in my stomach with little farts that continued to reek like death from my bowels. Fast forward to pulling up to the house - belt: undone, Pants: unzipped, holding them up with one hand and "running" to the toilet - alas I sit down and fire that demon torpedo off into the toilet and breath a sigh of relief - I feel like I have just given birth to a child - huffing and panting - I finish my business. I stand up, flush the toilet and look back at the **er that caused me so much grief and to my disbelief the **er is stuck to the back of the bowl. Water swirling around it. I'm a little perplexed, I flush twice more, nothing. Holding on for dear life....I don't know what to do.....Any advice? Antifreeze at the ready....
Posts: 16,201

12-31-2015, 10:38 PM	#3
Dayze Resident Glue Sniffer Join Date: Nov 2003 Casino cash: $4869358	A beautiful description of a poop episode. ".....like I had just murdered the Queen" __________________ Life is 99% inspiration, 1% Perspiration, and 1% Attention to Detial. RIP & Godspeed: Saccoppo Lonewolf Ed Fire Me Boy
Posts: 37,377

12-31-2015, 10:51 PM	#6
DenverChief MVP Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Rocky Ford Casino cash: $5599867	wow - www.ratemypoo.com has already rated my hell turd a "10"
Posts: 16,201

12-31-2015, 11:20 PM	#7
Baby Lee Supporter Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $6838598	The sad thing is, I'm guessing makeup/amends sex was off the table for a while. __________________ We need the kind of courage that can withstand the subtle corruption of the cynics - E.W.
Posts: 95,642

12-31-2015, 11:41 PM	#9
007 Shaken. Not stirred. Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: London Casino cash: $13920126 VARSITY	So there is no sink to wash your hands after you grab some toilet paper to move it? __________________ My dear girl, there are some things that just aren’t done. Such as, drinking Dom Perignon ’53 above the temperature of 38 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s just as bad as listening to the Beatles without earmuffs.
Posts: 65,558

12-31-2015, 10:28 PM	#2
C3HIEF3S Let's Get Weird Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Austin Casino cash: $9990098	Just use your hand.
Posts: 15,229

12-31-2015, 11:55 PM	#13
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $1865880	Get a bunch of these and spray it in there until the poop is covered. Maybe it will slide down into the water: __________________ Good friends we have had, oh, good friends we've lost...along the way. In this great future, you can't forget your past. So dry your tears, I say.
Posts: 55,995

12-31-2015, 11:58 PM	#14
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $1865880	Idea #2: Hire a trained poop monkey to grab it out of there for you. You'll have to wait. The poop monkey store is probably closed on New Year's Day. __________________ Good friends we have had, oh, good friends we've lost...along the way. In this great future, you can't forget your past. So dry your tears, I say.
Posts: 55,995

12-31-2015, 11:59 PM	#15
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $1865880	Idea #3: Shut the water off and remove the toilet. Dispose of the entire toilet in the dumpster behind Dunkin' Donuts. Buy a new toilet from Home Depot and install it. __________________ Good friends we have had, oh, good friends we've lost...along the way. In this great future, you can't forget your past. So dry your tears, I say.
Posts: 55,995