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Old 04-17-2022, 10:50 AM  
Mephistopheles Janx Mephistopheles Janx is offline
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Gained membership into the club last Saturday at 8:10AM.

Throwing a party today. Bunch of people coming to the farm today. Spreading ashes. It is kinda ****ed up because we came out here to get away from people, yet today what I need is people around me, but I'm also *REALLY* looking forward to them all going away.

We weren't Christian. In neither of our estimation (hers and mine) is she in "a better place", "teaching kids in heaven", or "fulfilling God's plan". Not to take anything away from you all who believe. That isn't even remotely my intent. Just thinking about the platitudes I've heard so far and how unhelpful the majority of them are. Her place was here, with me, with our dogs, with our animals. I had 30-40 years left with her. She is not where she belongs.

----

Best thing I ever did was give her a gigantic leatherbound journal for our first anniversary. I now have the past 15 years of her innermost thoughts, her drawings, her struggles, and her victories all at my fingertips.

Biggest takeaway so far is that I just need to tread water for the next 6 months. No big decisions, no moving, no ending the lives of all my pets and then squaring myself away.

It has been a week and it has gotten "easier" to bear which is just code words for "just being in your house isn't gonna make you lose your shit"... it means that you get used to being in the house UNTIL you see something that brings up a specific memory or someone says something that touches on one of your inside secrets or struggles as a couple. Then you lose it all over again. Then, and only then, does your brain get the chance to prepare itself for the next time it sees or hears that specific reference.

---

Life is short, it is beautiful... but it is also ****ing horseshit. The only actual and truly wonderful part of mine is gone.

https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries...msHuTgYiRw8e-Y

/don't worry about condolences for me or the like... take that energy and put it towards that person you married. Get up from your desk, find them, and squeeze the **** out of them instead.
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Old 04-17-2022, 11:22 AM   #16
ptlyon ptlyon is online now
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Old 04-17-2022, 11:26 AM   #17
EPodolak EPodolak is offline
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I'll take your suggestion too, many thanks for your post today Janx.
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Old 04-17-2022, 11:34 AM   #18
tredadda tredadda is offline
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That’s rough knowing you have to go through this. No words can really replace her, and while you might not believe, I will still pray for you as the days pass by.
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Old 04-17-2022, 11:57 AM   #20
chinaski chinaski is offline
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Condolences Sir.

She certainly sounded like a wonderful person. Carrying on will be hard, but honor her legacy.

Much love Bro.
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Old 04-17-2022, 11:58 AM   #21
Halfcan Halfcan is offline
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Best wishes to you and your family.
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Old 04-17-2022, 11:59 AM   #22
stumppy stumppy is offline
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Sorry man, wish there was something I could do to help.
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Old 04-17-2022, 12:26 PM   #23
Lzen Lzen is offline
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Sry to hear that. I know you said you don't want condolences and I will respect that. But even though you're not Christian, I'll pray for you anyway. My wife is my best friend and I don't know how I'd deal with that. I can't even imagine what you're going through.

Mind if I ask what happened? She wasn't that old. If that's too personal and you don't want to answer, that's okay and I understand.
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Old 04-17-2022, 12:27 PM   #24
Graystoke Graystoke is offline
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Condolences .
Took your advice and gave her a good hug.
Life is short and I will be praying for you.
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Old 04-17-2022, 12:50 PM   #25
Chris Meck Chris Meck is offline
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Oh man.

I'm sorry.

I know how you feel. Club member since 2013.

It's rough. Hang in there, and go at your own pace. Everybody else can **** off. You take care of YOU, the rest can wait.
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Old 04-17-2022, 12:59 PM   #26
Imon Yourside Imon Yourside is offline
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Love you Janx, hang in there.
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Old 04-17-2022, 01:20 PM   #27
JPH83 JPH83 is offline
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I took your advice, and I appreciate the reminder and thank you for it. I'm sorry to hear this and my thoughts are with you.
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Old 04-17-2022, 01:23 PM   #28
stevieray stevieray is offline
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I'm sorry, brother.

That great amount of deep pain you feel is equal to that great amount of deep love you gave. It VALIDATES it beyond measure.

It's terribly humbling to me to think some never get to experience that. Just like not getting to experience a full life.

You are and were a blessed man.

May you find the strength to lean on the Lord. He knows exactly how you feel.

You might reach out to Endzoner if you need someone to talk to.

Hang in there, man.
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Old 04-17-2022, 01:23 PM   #29
lewdog lewdog is offline
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So sorry to see this, especially given her age.

Good reminder to all of us who have great spouses.

Thank you.
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Old 04-17-2022, 01:30 PM   #30
Dartgod Dartgod is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stevieray View Post


I'm sorry, brother.

That great amount of deep pain you feel is equal to that great amount of deep love you gave. It VALIDATES it beyond measure.

It's terribly humbling to me to think some never get to experience that. Just like not getting to experience a full life.

You are and were a blessed man.

May you find the strength to lean on the Lord. He knows exactly how you feel.

You might reach out to Endzoner if you need someone to talk to.

Hang in there, man.
I have nothing to add to what Stevie said.

Sorry for your loss.
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