Your rooting guide for Week 13.

[Rain Man]

Tell me if you disagree, because some of these are developed with four-dimensional logic. Games are ranked in importance from top to bottom.


Chiefs over Raiders - Greatness starts here.

Vikings over Patriots - Ideally, we want the Patriots and Steelers to end up in the #2 and #3 seed so they have to play each other and confuse the refs about which team to favor, but I'm going conservative here. I want more breathing room to keep the #1 seed.

Steelers over Chargers - I feel very dirty here, but we want the Steelers in the #2 or #3 spot, and I want more breathing room over the Chargers. This would more or less fiinish off the division race in any reasonable scenarios.

Bengals over Broncos - Because we really want the Bengals in the playoffs, and we enjoy Broncos misery. Plus, the Broncos could win out after this game.

Titans over Jets - Because f*** the Colts, and Mike Vrabel puts a tight end pass blocking on JJ Watt. Get the Titans above the Colts in the playoff push.

Jaguars over Colts - Because f*** the Colts.

Browns over Texans - Trying to get weaker teams into the bottom playoff spot, and we don't want the Texans hogging that #2 seed.

Dolphins over Bills - Trying to get weaker teams into the bottom playoff spot.

Lions over Rams - Nine straight penalties in the first quarter. Lose, you ref-coddled sushi eaters. Lower seed for you.

Cowboys over Saints - Position the Saints for a lower seed to increase their chances of getting knocked off in the playoffs.

Redskins over Eagles - Keep the weaker team in the playoff chase, I guess, even though this conflicts with my Seahawks logic below. Plus, I don't want the Eagles getting on a hot streak.

Ravens over Falcons - This is a close one. Normal logic would state that we want AFC playoff contenders to lose, but I think the Ravens are one of the weaker playoff contenders. I'd rather see them block out the Colts. Because f*** the Colts.

Seahawks over 49ers - This is a tough one. We don't want stronger teams in the playoffs, and a Seahawks win threatens the weak Redskins. But the Seahawks have a better chance of knocking off the Saints or Rams. So I'm going Seahawks.

Bears over Giants - Because we're trying to knock the Saints and Rams out of the bye week, and because Eli Manning didn't go to the team that drafted him.

Cardinals over Packers - Because none of us really like Aaron Rodgers any more, and Josh Rosen always looks so sad.

Buccaneers over Panthers - Who doesn't enjoy seeing Fitzmagic?

If these things happen, here's the seeding coming out of Week 13.