Your stupid rooting guide for stupid Week 15

[Rain Man]

Okay, we have to assume that the best team in football is now quite possibly going to end up playing as the 5th seed, so that changes everything in how we think about the stupid playoffs. Our plan now is to win a stupid playoff game on the road before we step aside for the Patriots/Chargers AFC Championship game. Here's your stupid rooting guide, as if it makes a stupid difference because of our stupid defensive scheme.

If we're the #5 seed, then we want a weak #4 and a weak #6. That would then position us to play the stupid Chargers in their little soccer stadium, and they won't win a fair fight against us. Then we can go on the road and play the stupid Patriots.

If we somehow beat the Seahawks and Raiders, I don't think that most of this changes. In that case, we want the weakest team to be the #4 seed since they'll likely win, and I think a weak #6 is tolerable even if we'd like an upset. But who am I kidding? The Chargers will be given the #1 seed.

Most important stupid game:

Chiefs over Chargers. Stupid. Defensive pass interference on the 1 yard line with 8 seconds left. Yeah. Got it.

Critical stupid games:

Jets over stupid Texans. Drive Houston down toward the #4 spot so we can perhaps play them on the road instead of having home field advantage like we deserve.

Stupid Titans over Giants. We want the tiny chance that the Titans can knock the Texans out of the playoffs completely, just in case we beat the Seahawks. And stupid Eli Manning didn't go to the team that drafted him, even though that team was the stupid Chargers.

Ravens over Buccaneers. You may disagree, but I'd much rather play the Ravens on the road than the stupid Steelers, and one of them will likely be the #4 seed. I want the Ravens to win the division at this point and get the stupid top quarterbacks and rapists out of the playoffs. (My preference is the Bengals, but that's a long shot.)

Stupid Steelers over stupid Patriots. If you think we can't beat the stupid Seahawks, then maybe reverse this stupid pick. Stupid teams. (I'm changing this pick, by the way, as I recover from my Chiefs-related depression.)

Stupid games that don't matter much:


Seahawks over 49ers. Might as well have them win so they're not desperate when the play the Chiefs next week.

Bengals over stupid Raiders. The Raiders are stupid, and ideally the Bengals will sneak in and get the #4 seed.

Cowboys over Colts. Screw the stupid Colts. I don't want them in the playoffs. We want the weakest #6 seed in there so we can win our stupid wild card game and then go to the stupid soccer stadium to play against stupid Phillip Rivers.

Miami over Minnesota. We want the weakest #6 seed with the worst quarterback, and that's not the Colts.

Browns over stupid Broncos. Not that it matter much, but screw the stupid Broncos. And the Browns would be a weak #6 seed.


Stupid games that almost don't matter at all:


Bears over stupid Packers. I dislike Aaron Rodgers and those insurance commercials.

Eagles over stupid Rams. The Rams are stupid and I want them to go down in the seeding.

Panthers over Saints. Knock the Saints down in the stupid seedings.


Stupid games that don't matter at all:

Redskins over Jaguars. Win one for the gipper.

Bills over Lions. Give the Bills a lower draft spot as punishment for not drafting Mahomes.

Cardinals over Falcons. I don't care. Stupid game. Don't even bother playing it.