Widower's Club

[Mephistopheles Janx]

Gained membership into the club last Saturday at 8:10AM.

Throwing a party today. Bunch of people coming to the farm today. Spreading ashes. It is kinda ****ed up because we came out here to get away from people, yet today what I need is people around me, but I'm also *REALLY* looking forward to them all going away.

We weren't Christian. In neither of our estimation (hers and mine) is she in "a better place", "teaching kids in heaven", or "fulfilling God's plan". Not to take anything away from you all who believe. That isn't even remotely my intent. Just thinking about the platitudes I've heard so far and how unhelpful the majority of them are. Her place was here, with me, with our dogs, with our animals. I had 30-40 years left with her. She is not where she belongs.

----

Best thing I ever did was give her a gigantic leatherbound journal for our first anniversary. I now have the past 15 years of her innermost thoughts, her drawings, her struggles, and her victories all at my fingertips.

Biggest takeaway so far is that I just need to tread water for the next 6 months. No big decisions, no moving, no ending the lives of all my pets and then squaring myself away.

It has been a week and it has gotten "easier" to bear which is just code words for "just being in your house isn't gonna make you lose your shit"... it means that you get used to being in the house UNTIL you see something that brings up a specific memory or someone says something that touches on one of your inside secrets or struggles as a couple. Then you lose it all over again. Then, and only then, does your brain get the chance to prepare itself for the next time it sees or hears that specific reference.

---

Life is short, it is beautiful... but it is also ****ing horseshit. The only actual and truly wonderful part of mine is gone.

https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries...msHuTgYiRw8e-Y

/don't worry about condolences for me or the like... take that energy and put it towards that person you married. Get up from your desk, find them, and squeeze the **** out of them instead.

[Mephistopheles Janx]

I don't want to put this on the social media my family and friends are on because it would likely scare them but I need to scream into the ether and I don't want to put it on paper lest something happen and they find it and think I actually did it.

Its been over a month now. I hate existing. I constantly think about ending it. The perpetual exhaustion both emotionally and physically is unreal. I get hungry but everything tastes like cardboard when I do eat. There is no joy in anything I do... not even a slight rush of endorphins/seratonin from a 5 knuckle shuffle. (TMI probably but meh). Everything feels like I'm in a cartoon. Nothing is real, nothing matters.

The only thing keeping me from doing the deed is the fact that I have two puppies that need me here and a promise I made my brother two decades ago. Man though... that is BARELY enough to keep me here.

I wish I could push a button and fast forward through the rest of this existence. Just get to the end and be done with it but without breaking the promise to my brother and long enough to see the dogs through their lives.

There is no real numbing going on. Smoke some weed now and then and despite my having 3 full bottles of liquor... I've not drank anything. Taking my depression meds like I should and I have a visit with a head shrink next week.

Been around for 41 years and only 18 of them have been worth the bullshit of the other 23. **** me. Begged God that he do me a solid just once in my miserable existence that he has gleefully shat all over and pleaded for a heart attack so I could be gone yet keep my promise. Clearly, no joy there. (you religious folk here... I mean no offense to you all with the gleefully shitting on me bit).

I hate waking up. I hate being alive. I hate myself. I hate how utterly alone it feels on the farm without her here. ****... I wish I hadn't promised anything to anyone.

I don't want to be here anymore.

[Katipan]

Then you hold on out of love for her for now.
Even if it's a daily goal.

No amount of weed or alcohol will ever touch it.

Time to find a purpose that keeps her spirit here with us. ❤️

[Kman34]

After reading the first sentence I’m glad you do have family and friends.. Maybe turn to them and let them know you are struggling.. I hope going to the shrink will maybe help to talk to someone trained to help you.. I sincerely hope you can find some peace and love in your life. This time next year you will feel different.. I know it!

[Chiefnj2]

800-273-8255

Suicide prevention hotline. Please call it and talk to an expert.

[ChiTown]

Originally Posted by Mephistopheles Janx

I don't want to put this on the social media my family and friends are on because it would likely scare them but I need to scream into the ether and I don't want to put it on paper lest something happen and they find it and think I actually did it.

Its been over a month now. I hate existing. I constantly think about ending it. The perpetual exhaustion both emotionally and physically is unreal. I get hungry but everything tastes like cardboard when I do eat. There is no joy in anything I do... not even a slight rush of endorphins/seratonin from a 5 knuckle shuffle. (TMI probably but meh). Everything feels like I'm in a cartoon. Nothing is real, nothing matters.

The only thing keeping me from doing the deed is the fact that I have two puppies that need me here and a promise I made my brother two decades ago. Man though... that is BARELY enough to keep me here.

I wish I could push a button and fast forward through the rest of this existence. Just get to the end and be done with it but without breaking the promise to my brother and long enough to see the dogs through their lives.

There is no real numbing going on. Smoke some weed now and then and despite my having 3 full bottles of liquor... I've not drank anything. Taking my depression meds like I should and I have a visit with a head shrink next week.

Been around for 41 years and only 18 of them have been worth the bullshit of the other 23. **** me. Begged God that he do me a solid just once in my miserable existence that he has gleefully shat all over and pleaded for a heart attack so I could be gone yet keep my promise. Clearly, no joy there. (you religious folk here... I mean no offense to you all with the gleefully shitting on me bit).

I hate waking up. I hate being alive. I hate myself. I hate how utterly alone it feels on the farm without her here. ****... I wish I hadn't promised anything to anyone.

I don't want to be here anymore.

Brother, you had an amazing run with the love of your life. It was ripped from you far, far too soon. It's a pain and agony that no one should have to go through, but so many of us do at some point in our lives.

I don't want this to come across as some flippant response to a Man that is suffering true grief, but you are still here for a reason. I don't believe it's because of those 2 pups. IMO, I think we live for those (who were closest to us) that can no longer travel with us in their earthly existence. I think we "owe it" to them to continue to live our best lives until it is naturally taken from us. I believe that they continue to see what we do and how we live, and that ultimately enhances their spirit within us and brings out the joy in how we feel about them.

Life is good, and it will be good for you again.

[Dartgod]

I can't offer a solution for your pain, but I'd suggest you reach out to Nzoner via PM. He's recently gone through this exact thing and I'm sure he'd be willing to talk, offer support and help you through this.

I'm praying for you.

[Rasputin]

Originally Posted by Mephistopheles Janx

Thank you for the well wishes. We had a great party for Cathy today. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, dehydrated, and wide awake yet still yawning my face off.

Everyone has gone to bed now. I'm the only one left awake. I'm gonna cuddle the dogs and watch some TV while I go to sleep in her office chair and listening to my chicks peeping madly (chicks are in the house and in a kennel in our computer room).

This is all ridiculous and surreal. I got a memorial tattoo for her on my forearm. Can't help but see it all the time. She will be with me forever. I will accomplish everything we set out to do on this farm or I will die trying.

Didn't get to spread the ashes because weather was shitty and I didn't want my wife to clump in our yard. lol

Gonna wait for a nice windy day. Gonna sit outside with the dogs and wait for a hawk to fly overhead... then let her go fly with it.

I'm glad you did it your way and had a special party with friends and loved ones to lean on. Best of wishes in your life and a healing heart.

[DaFace]

One of my favorite fantasy book series is the Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson. It's mostly just typical fantasy stuff, but I've found that Brandon has an amazing way of framing mental health issues and bringing to life characters that are more than just basic caricatures.

I have no idea if you're a fantasy reader, but if so, I'd recommend it. But the reason I'm bringing it up is that the third book focuses on one character trying to find the answer to a question that had been posed to him:

"What is the most important step a man can take?"

It's not a direct parallel to your situation, but the answer is (spoiler)..."the next one." All you can do is keep going and pushing through it. One day, it'll get 1% better. And some other day, it'll get another 1% better. You'll never "get over it" - that's not how life works. But just keep taking the next step, and it'll get better. Slowly, but surely.

Hang in there, man. Talk to your shrink. Don't do anything stupid. We're all thinking of you.

[Bearcat]

Originally Posted by ChiTown

IMO, I think we live for those (who were closest to us) that can no longer travel with us in their earthly existence. I think we "owe it" to them to continue to live our best lives until it is naturally taken from us.

Well said, reminded of this image.

[Rain Man]

Hang in there, Janx. You're in a dark spot in the road now, but it'll fade and the bright memories will remain.

[Chris Meck]

Originally Posted by Mephistopheles Janx

I don't want to put this on the social media my family and friends are on because it would likely scare them but I need to scream into the ether and I don't want to put it on paper lest something happen and they find it and think I actually did it.

Its been over a month now. I hate existing. I constantly think about ending it. The perpetual exhaustion both emotionally and physically is unreal. I get hungry but everything tastes like cardboard when I do eat. There is no joy in anything I do... not even a slight rush of endorphins/seratonin from a 5 knuckle shuffle. (TMI probably but meh). Everything feels like I'm in a cartoon. Nothing is real, nothing matters.

The only thing keeping me from doing the deed is the fact that I have two puppies that need me here and a promise I made my brother two decades ago. Man though... that is BARELY enough to keep me here.

I wish I could push a button and fast forward through the rest of this existence. Just get to the end and be done with it but without breaking the promise to my brother and long enough to see the dogs through their lives.

There is no real numbing going on. Smoke some weed now and then and despite my having 3 full bottles of liquor... I've not drank anything. Taking my depression meds like I should and I have a visit with a head shrink next week.

Been around for 41 years and only 18 of them have been worth the bullshit of the other 23. **** me. Begged God that he do me a solid just once in my miserable existence that he has gleefully shat all over and pleaded for a heart attack so I could be gone yet keep my promise. Clearly, no joy there. (you religious folk here... I mean no offense to you all with the gleefully shitting on me bit).

I hate waking up. I hate being alive. I hate myself. I hate how utterly alone it feels on the farm without her here. ****... I wish I hadn't promised anything to anyone.

I don't want to be here anymore.

I know you're probably not ready to process this in this way yet-

but when my Abby was taken from me...a thought occurred to me that made sense and I'm not sure if it was that it helped me, or just that I was ready to put things into this context, but:

We get to choose WHO, but not how long.
And even knowing how it ends, I would do it all over again, in a heartbeat.

It's a goddamn awful thing, but you can get through it.

[TwistedChief]

I listened to a podcast episode this morning. A guy who similarly was deep in the darkness for reasons similar to yours.

“People who are grieving a serious loss, and you’re staring into the abyss, they understand intimately the loss that we are all going to face, what we all will see.”

Perhaps something in his experience - where he stared into the abyss and overcame it - might offer some comfort.

https://art19.com/shows/this-is-actu...9-92ce0719e670

[threebag]

She’s counting on you to finish what you both started. Don’t give up on you and don’t give up on her. The farm is the tie that binds, finish the journey/dream. Good luck and keep your legs chopping.

[GloryDayz]

Originally Posted by Mephistopheles Janx

I don't want to put this on the social media my family and friends are on because it would likely scare them but I need to scream into the ether and I don't want to put it on paper lest something happen and they find it and think I actually did it.

Its been over a month now. I hate existing. I constantly think about ending it. The perpetual exhaustion both emotionally and physically is unreal. I get hungry but everything tastes like cardboard when I do eat. There is no joy in anything I do... not even a slight rush of endorphins/seratonin from a 5 knuckle shuffle. (TMI probably but meh). Everything feels like I'm in a cartoon. Nothing is real, nothing matters.

The only thing keeping me from doing the deed is the fact that I have two puppies that need me here and a promise I made my brother two decades ago. Man though... that is BARELY enough to keep me here.

I wish I could push a button and fast forward through the rest of this existence. Just get to the end and be done with it but without breaking the promise to my brother and long enough to see the dogs through their lives.

There is no real numbing going on. Smoke some weed now and then and despite my having 3 full bottles of liquor... I've not drank anything. Taking my depression meds like I should and I have a visit with a head shrink next week.

Been around for 41 years and only 18 of them have been worth the bullshit of the other 23. **** me. Begged God that he do me a solid just once in my miserable existence that he has gleefully shat all over and pleaded for a heart attack so I could be gone yet keep my promise. Clearly, no joy there. (you religious folk here... I mean no offense to you all with the gleefully shitting on me bit).

I hate waking up. I hate being alive. I hate myself. I hate how utterly alone it feels on the farm without her here. ****... I wish I hadn't promised anything to anyone.

I don't want to be here anymore.

Hang in there brother, things will get better. It might be slow, it is a process, but they will get better. And your CP family will always have your back in your time of need.

[Eureka]

If the shoe was on the other foot and you were up in heaven and she was down here.

What would you say to her (if she was in your position) if you could say something?