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Old 01-29-2004, 02:46 PM  
Iowanian Iowanian is offline
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Ask Iowanian. Pt II, the Keyboard of Doom
If you've got a problem, yo Ahll Solve it, check out my hooks, while DJ revolves it..tss tss ts tss tst

If Dr Laura, Dr Phil or Ann Landers couldn't help you.....Serve it up.


Its the offseason, the board needs something other than politics. This thread, and the answers will go where you take it. A serious Question....I'll try to help, and or rely on others......A not serious question....You'll get what you ask for.


disclaimer: Iowanian is not a licensed Doctor, Psychologist or anything else. No responsibility shall be taken by advisors on any issue within the thread. The answer "I have no #@%&* idea " is valid and acceptable for these purposes. If the thread sucks, it shall fade into planet oblivion.
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Old 11-03-2008, 05:06 PM   #361
triple triple is offline
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what does he do? he is 34 and can't pay a phone bill?
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Old 11-03-2008, 05:31 PM   #362
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what does he do? he is 34 and can't pay a phone bill?
Right now, he's collecting unemployment. He might have an IT job at a hospital in Osage Beach. Yeah. I'll believe it when I see it.
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Old 11-03-2008, 05:58 PM   #363
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I have a question for you, Mr. Dr. Doom. Why aren't you answering these questions?

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Old 11-03-2008, 06:01 PM   #364
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Dear Dr. Doom:

Serious question here.

We have a neighbor across the street who has recently acquired a small dog who is, apparently, kept out-of-doors and yaps continually, incessantly, relentlessly and without let up both day and night. Did I mention it never stops? I'm certain that someone has already contacted the home owners' association, but the asshole dog continues to bark in its high-pitched, shrill, and extremely aggrevating manner so it's safe to assume that the association is doing nothing about it.

To make matters worse, the dog is in their back yard which is enclosed by a very high, wooden fence that would be difficult, if not impossible, to breach without a ladder. Also, the fence prevents me from getting a good shot at the little bastard. What should I do?

FAX
The fence impedes your ability to shoot, but not to lob. Try lobbing.
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Old 11-03-2008, 06:07 PM   #365
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The fence impedes your ability to shoot, but not to lob. Try lobbing.
I like lobbing. Lobbing's good. What am I lobbing, though, Mr. Bootlegged?

I suppose I could lob a poisoned bone or something in there. But, to be honest, I'm not inclined to do that. Murdering dogs is sort of against what remains of my moral code. Unless it's some kind of rabid, deadly, attack dog that's trying to kill me or somebody else I like. Or one of those devil dogs like in The Omen. I'd probably be okay with murdering one of those. This, however, appears to be some kind of little dog - just a loud, shrill, obnoxious one with tons of stamina.

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Old 11-03-2008, 06:08 PM   #366
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I like lobbing. Lobbing's good. What am I lobbing, though, Mr. Bootlegged?

I suppose I could lob a poisoned bone or something in there. But, to be honest, I'm not inclined to do that. Murdering dogs is sort of against what remains of my moral code. Unless it's some kind of rabid, deadly, attack dog that's trying to kill me or somebody else I like. Or one of those devil dogs like in The Omen. I'd probably be okay with murdering one of those. This, however, appears to be some kind of little dog - just a loud, shrill, obnoxious one with tons of stamina.

FAX
The Something About Mary technique has been proven effective in these situations.
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Old 11-03-2008, 06:10 PM   #367
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The Something About Mary technique has been proven effective in these situations.
Ah! The "Something About Mary" technique! Why didn't I think of that? Of course! The "Something About Mary" technique is bound to work!!

.... uh ... if you don't mind, Mr. Bootlegged ... what exactly is The "Something About Mary" technique?

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Old 11-03-2008, 06:13 PM   #368
Iowanian Iowanian is offline
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I've been doing man-stuff. I am now parenting. Your concerns will be adressed with effort after food, bath and books, one of which may include "9 little monkeys" and the 34,000th reading this year of "night before Christmas".
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Old 11-03-2008, 06:16 PM   #369
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Ah! The "Something About Mary" technique! Why didn't I think of that? Of course! The "Something About Mary" technique is bound to work!!

.... uh ... if you don't mind, Mr. Bootlegged ... what exactly is The "Something About Mary" technique?

FAX
Loading tranquilizers into dog treats and lobbing them in the direction of the K9.
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Old 11-03-2008, 06:17 PM   #370
Bootlegged Bootlegged is offline
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Old 11-03-2008, 06:20 PM   #371
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I've been doing man-stuff. I am now parenting. Your concerns will be adressed with effort after food, bath and books, one of which may include "9 little monkeys" and the 34,000th reading this year of "night before Christmas".
9 Little Monkeys? Please, Mr. Iowanian. Have pity on the children.

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Old 11-03-2008, 06:20 PM   #372
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By "Locals" are you refering to the yokels, or the financially secure arseholes who migrated their with their penile-compensating boats to live on the lake?

Dislike for Iowans likely stems from our high literacy rates and full sets of teeth. I doubt many of them would like the income at local businesses, demand for services and goods, realestate prices, tax rates and lack of infrastructure being paid for by fuel, hotel, sales, Local Option sales taxes, as well as financial contribution to the communities during our visits.

Next time this topic arises, tell them that this Iowanian considers the Ozarks a flyover territory on the way to a real lake, that resides on the Arkansas-Mo boarder. Invite them to fornicate their relative of choice in the location that makes their orthadontist cringe.
would that lake be table rock?
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Old 11-03-2008, 06:22 PM   #373
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LOOROOL

Not bad. Might work. I have some 350 mg Soma and some lortabs. Those would make one hell of a doggie cocktail.

FAX
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Old 11-03-2008, 06:38 PM   #374
triple triple is offline
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Right now, he's collecting unemployment. He might have an IT job at a hospital in Osage Beach. Yeah. I'll believe it when I see it.
well... good luck
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Old 11-03-2008, 10:28 PM   #375
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Dear Keyboard of Doom-

Just suspended the ex's phone line and went down to a smaller plan on my cell phone. Took less than an hour for at&t to call to let me know that he had tried to access my account. He's called me several times from another phone, but I'm at work. I will not answer and get into it with him here. He left a voicemail, so I'll listen to that after work. Any good tidbits on what I should say when he calls tonight?
This dude is an EX. You have no reason to support him either financially or emotionally. Its time to be a cold hearted bitch.

If you talk to him, tell him to pound his pickle with a rubber mallet until its hidden in his pelvis, invite him to perform a marrital act with his mother and tell him to never call you again. Don't take ANY further crap from this shitbrick.

If this doesn't work, invite him to join the planet, find this thread and discuss this with me further.
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