An ode to the Professional Softball Player

[cadmonkey]

http://www.barstoolsports.com/article/Softball_Dude/252/

Softball Dude

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m the best fucking softball player you’ve ever met.

Just ask the opposing teams in the 4 leagues I’m in this summer. I flat out rake. You could populate a small country with all the pitchers I've taken deep.

I just spent three hours in the batting cage and hit the shit out of the ball. Line drives, big flies, opposite field shots. I can do it all. Some kids next to me in the cages were staring and pointing at me. I can’t blame them. They’ve probably never seen a 40 year-old man wearing Oakley Blades and batting gloves who can hit bombs like me. Especially not with shorts this tight.

This season, I’m making sure we sweep all 4 leagues.

Especially the Men’s League at St. Anthony’s. We were two outs away from winning that baby last year and now I can taste it. I’ve gotta get my hands on that 10-foot plastic trophy. It’s all I think about. Rumor has it the league winners get 2 free pitchers at Murphy’s Pub after the season. No way we lose with the trophy and 78 ounces of Busch on the line.

I just bought all new equipment for this season. You should see the acrylic baseball pants I got. Super tight. I picked up a new set of wristbands, a tube of eye black and a pair of 3-inch mud cleats, you know, just in case I need to break up a double play. I also got my hands on a $350 titanium bat for a little extra power. It cost me a week’s pay, but screw it, when I start cranking 400-foot shots it will be worth it. Plus I might need it to beat off all the trim that will be chasing me after the games.

Softball groupies love guys who can go deep.

I can’t wait for that first at bat. I’m bringing a tape deck to the game, so that I can blast The Scorpions when I walk to the plate. Nothing gets me fired up to play ball more than The Scorpions. Except maybe AC/DC, but I save that for the playoffs.

I feel sorry for the other teams. They have no idea what I’m about to unleash on them. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for them. You think that anyone felt sorry for me when that bastard coach cut me from the 8th grade baseball team? You think Babe Ruth or Dave Kingman felt sorry for the other team when they took them deep?

They should have known better than to get into a league with me.

This year I’m focused. I practiced like a son of a bitch in the winter and got the call to play third. That’s right, the hot corner. Only the best play the hot corner. I have to be sharp, so no more beer during the games. I’m going to wait until after the game to starting pounding cold ones and I’m still going to drink you under the table.

My initials might as well be M-V-P. That stands for Most Valuable Player for all you non-softball players.

The League starts Tuesday night. I took the day off of work.

Why do I take softball so seriously?

fuck you. You’re just jealous.

Originally Posted by apics1

What position is next after 1st base? Coach/retirement?

Usually catcher, but it appears as though he skipped over that position in favor of the pine. Pining for Scanlon.

[Goapics1]

Originally Posted by Phobia

Scanlon.

Ah, yes forgot for a moment that Roy is on the Scanlon for president campaign.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Phobia

I dunno. My shoulder will soon relegate me to the infield and the game will lose some luster for me. I really like chasing balls in the outfield.

From what I hear... that's not the only place you like chasing them.

[WilliamTheIrish]

Originally Posted by Phobia

It's not. I'm not actually defending the guys who ARE like this, but the stereotype of all softball players acting like this is goofy. I can't believe softball players get this rep, but golfers get a pass. You want to talk about taking shit too damn seriously, look at your average weekend amateur shooting in the mid-90's. He's carrying $1500 in his bag and wearing $400 of golf attire on his back. How do I know this?

Mirror.

Uh-oh....What have I become?

My shirt cost 10 bucks.

[DeepSouth]

Originally Posted by WilliamTheIrish

Uh-oh....What have I become?

My shirt cost 10 bucks.

Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Just paid $100 for a pool cue.

[brorth]

You know, I've had to quit playing Rugby because of my work schedule and have been thinking real hard about finding a softball league, just because the lack of physical activity is killing me...softball is really the only "sport" that I could play around my work. My only fear is running into precisely the kind of player mentioned here. I have this tendency to head butt people in the face when they come running up like I have seen these kinds of softball players do. I haven't ever really played baseball or softball, but I'm thinking about finding something North of the River. If anyone knows of a decent league, with relatively few pricks, I'd love to know about it. Beer drinking league is a must though, after more than 15 years of Rugby, it's like gatorade and oranges for me after the game. Anyways, if you know of a fun league, let me know, will ya?

[ROYC75]

Originally Posted by apics1

What position is next after 1st base? Coach/retirement?

I stopped playing at 37...... 10 years ago.........

Retirement wages was poor too !

[BigRedChief]

I played fast pitch softball until about age 25. Its was about drinking beer and having a good time to me. Those dudes just got too serious. Reliving failed dreams or something. Pathetic.

[cadmonkey]

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

I played fast pitch softball until about age 25. Its was about drinking beer and having a good time to me. Those dudes just got too serious. Reliving failed dreams or something. Pathetic.

That's all it is for me. I go, have some beers, some laughs, and knock the ball around with some friends and co-workers. This one guy yells and screams if we take to long to get to our position.

If I start jogging to center field I am bound to spill some beer. fuck you, I'm walkin.

[Lzen]

Originally Posted by Phobia

Holy shit, Roy's talking about me. I'm a complete egomaniac, but I'm not like the guy in the thread header.

I cussed our 3rd baseman a couple of weeks ago because he was standing around with his thumb up his ass (twice in one inning) while I was throwing tagging up baserunners out at his bag. Both of my throws hit his bag while he was standing 15 feet from it.

Hey dumbass, don't throw it if he's not standing there.

[Dartgod]

Originally Posted by Phobia

look at your average weekend amateur shooting in the mid-90's. He's carrying $1500 in his bag and wearing $400 of golf attire on his back. How do I know this?

Mirror.

You need to golf with me more often. You'll soon find out that you can suck for a whole lot less $$$.

Originally Posted by Dartgod

You need to golf with me more often. You'll soon find out that you can suck for a whole lot less $$$.

That $1500 in my bag was spent many years ago. I haven't bought a new club in 4 years. Which, is pretty damn good for me.

[Valiant]

Originally Posted by tyton75

This cracks me UP.. I play occasionally in a Softball league with a friend of mine who is quickly becoming "that" guy...

never played baseball, but has the whole outfit.. the baseball pants, shoes, his own softball bats, baseball bag.. the whole 9... and he is in 3 leagues..

I just don't get it.. its fun hanging out with friends and doing something.. but thats about it

um, most softball players own their own shoes, bats, bag.. Now the uniform is different.. Usually depends if your team is sponsered or you just want to pony up money for a shirt..

Softball is a blast and I play third, it might be the hotspot in baseball but it is average in softball imo...Oh I hit six homers last session, my career best before was 0 out of the park homers... Not sure where the power has came from..

But I quit my brothers team because he was becoming this player.. He didnt have all the equipment or uniforms, but man his bitching about everyone else was professional level quality... Guy bitched for two innings if you messed up a grounder or had a pop up... And he was a worse hitter then me.. He is pissed now, because I am the one with the nice bat, and know where to get the nice softballs at...

[Valiant]

Originally Posted by brorth

You know, I've had to quit playing Rugby because of my work schedule and have been thinking real hard about finding a softball league, just because the lack of physical activity is killing me...softball is really the only "sport" that I could play around my work. My only fear is running into precisely the kind of player mentioned here. I have this tendency to head butt people in the face when they come running up like I have seen these kinds of softball players do. I haven't ever really played baseball or softball, but I'm thinking about finding something North of the River. If anyone knows of a decent league, with relatively few pricks, I'd love to know about it. Beer drinking league is a must though, after more than 15 years of Rugby, it's like gatorade and oranges for me after the game. Anyways, if you know of a fun league, let me know, will ya?

Outdoor volleyball is a good league.. And it is coed...They have two dollar pitchers of bud light and miller..

[Pitt Gorilla]

Originally Posted by Phobia

Bah. It's an exaggeration. I've played ball for 15 years. There's a select few who are this bad. Most of the rec softball players are out there to have a little competition and work up a sweat.

I don't think it is. Wait untill you play the guy that swings at and purposefully misses "balls" just so he won't walk.