16 Serious Questions Raised by "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" - Page 3

siberian khatru · 12-22-2006, 10:20 AM

http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/

1.) WHY IS SANTA SUCH A COMPLETE BASTARD?

I'm going to say he has a chemical disorder, probably Bipolar. The elves sing him a very nice song and he's a total jerk about it, leaving the desperately co-dependent Mrs. Clause to patch things up. He has some sort of eating disorder that causes his weight to fluctuate wildly. He tells Dasher he should be ashamed for presenting Rudolph to the community simply because the child has some sort of nose disorder. He only changes his mind about Rudolph once he figures out a way to exploit him. Plus, this guy is absolutely ITCHING to cancel Christmas. Hey Santa. It's not your call. Christmas is the day Jesus was born. God will let you know if Christmas is cancelled. Until then, get in the damn sleigh.

2.) WHAT'S UP WITH CLARICE?

A generation of men my age is all screwed up because Rankin/Bass decided to make Clarice disturbingly attractive. She's a little forward, a little coy, and those eyelashes! I swear to God, we should all organize a class action suit to pay for our therapy.

3.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE ELVES?

Why are they such fascists? Like the head elf isn't way different than all the others? And what about the tall elf?

Is he an engineer? Is he from MIT? Why is he tall? And how come the head elf and the tall elf don't get any shit but Hermy does?

4.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE REINDEER?

Okay, Rudolph's glowing, squealing nose is weird as shit, but why do the other reindeer find it terrifying? What about a glowing, squealing nose makes other reindeers pupils shrink and their bodies convulse? And why does it mean the poor bastard can't 'play in any reindeer games'? He's the best at flying after Provocative; Jailbait Clarice...

...comes onto him. Is this like back when Negroes weren't allowed to play football?

5.) IS IT HERMY OR HERBIE?

My word to God, he gets called both over the course of less than an hour.

6.) IS HERMY GAY?

Yes. Forty years ago you couldn't talk about homosexuality among puppets on TV, so they used the word 'dentist' instead of 'f-a-g.'

7.) IS YUKON CORNELIUS GAY?

Yukon Cornelius, like 7% of the population is asexual.

8.) WHAT'S THE DEALIO ON THAT FRIGGIN' TALKING SNOWMAN?

Forty years ago, Burl Ives, who lent his voice and a lot more of his image than you'd think to the Talking Snowman was a big star. Now nobody remembers hits like "The Big Rock Candy Mountain" (a song that is actually about Hobos dying of malnutrition, exposure and alcoholism) or "The Ugly Bug Ball" (which is actually about unattractive bugs gathering to dance) or his Oscar winning turn as "Big Daddy" in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof". All anyone remembers about Burl Ives is that he is the talking snowman and they don't even know he was really Burl Ives. I imagine this makes the ghost of Burl Ives just about as mad as ****.

9.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH TIME AT THE NORTH POLE?

Okay, follow me here. Rudolph runs away from home right after Reindeer practice. He has adventures with Herbie and Yukon Cornelius and visits the Island of Misfit Toys. Then he leaves them behind and is off on his own long enough to enter puberty and grow antlers. Meanwhile, his Dad went to look for him right after he ran away, followed almost immediately by his mom and that Little Tart Clarice. The near adult Rudolph returns home to be informed by Santa that everyone's gone looking for him. We know it's been less than a year because Santa says he can't fly the team without Rudolph's dad, but it sure as hell has been a while. Rudolph goes directly to the Abominable snowman's cave JUST IN TIME TO STOP HIM FROM EATING THE ODDLY PROVOCATIVE...

...CLARICE! How are we supposed to view this sequence of events? Where Mom, dad and Clarice looking for Rudolph for almost a year before the Abominable caught them? It's just a coincidence Rudolph stumbles upon them moments after that? I think this stretches credulity. I'm forced to assume that somewhere in the vicinity of the Island of Misfit Toys there's an object of immense mass, perhaps a Fallen White Dwarf Star, and that proximity to this mass causes relativity in time so that Rudolph has aged nearly a year while only having left the Pole for about a day.

10.) DO CLARICE'S PARENTS JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT?

Rudolph runs away and his folks go after him. Clarice disappears and her parents… don't appear in the special. Is she an orphan? Is that why she's always on the make, looking for the love she never got? Or maybe she's got that smokin' hot thing going on chicks get when Daddy can't be bothered.

Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about here. You want her as much as I do and you don't give a damn that she's a reindeer.

11.) WHY IS KING MOON RACER SO DAMN COOL?

Aside from the fact that a Lion with wings is pretty cool to begin with, no one knows. I mean what does he do? He's king of an Island of Misfit Toys and all he wants is for Santa to take them off his paws. Then what would he be king of? A lot of Permafrost, that's what. But he's still cool as hell and anyone who says he isn't can meet me out back for a serious beating.

12.) IS THE BUMBLE reerunED OR WHAT?

Ten minutes before Herbie yanks his teeth out, This hulking brute snapped a damn stalactite of the roof of his cave and beat Rudolph unconscious with it. Now he's harmless cause he doesn't have teeth? HELLO! You still have huge friggin' claws! You're still a friggin' GIANT! Get another stalactite and beat Yukon Cornelius to prospector paste instead of letting him push you off a damn cliff!

13.) WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE DOLL ON THE ‘ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS'?

She looks fine, right? She isn't. She wouldn't be on the ‘Island if Misfit Toys' if she was. Check it out. Rudy tells King Moon Racer that if he ever gets back to the North Pole he'll give Santa the 411 on the Misfits. Christmas Eve, when the doll thinks Santa isn't going to show, she goes on a crying jag and accuses Rudolph of having promised to help them. Okay, A.) He never made any damn promise B.) Rudolph doesn't run Christmas, Santa does and he's a complete, manic depressive bipolar bastard. I'll tell you why the doll is a misfit. She's a lying little bitch.

14.) WHY DOESN'T CHARLIE IN THE BOX CHANGE HIS NAME?

You can do that, you know. Have your name changed.

15.) WHY DOESN'T THE JELLY SQUIRTING WATER PISTOL EMPTY OUT THE JELLY AND PUT IN WATER?

I mean, it's not brain surgery. Stop looking for Santa to solve your problems. He's a bastard.

16.) WHY DOES RUDOLPH AGREE TO LEAD SANTA'S SLEIGH?

I mean, when someone treats you that way, all they deserve is a swift hoof in the nuts. I'm serious. Guide your own damn sleigh. Then when you crash in the Andes you can eat your Reindeer to survive. Nobody likes a skinny Santa.

**mikeyis4dcats.** · 11-26-2013, 09:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raiderhader

I do not know why Rudolph is on tonight BEFORE Thanksgiving but, anyway, it made me think of this. So....

Bump

same reason the Simpson's halloween episode is always after halloween.

**BigRedChief** · 11-26-2013, 09:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by siberian khatru

That's a hell of a bump

Maybe the Academy should have a bump of the year contest?

Psyko Tek · 11-26-2013, 10:13 PM

TO ****ING EARLY

jebus can we p[lease wait until after thanksgiving

cosmo20002 · 11-26-2013, 10:32 PM

What did Santa do before Rudolph? What, this was the first foggy Christmas Eve in history?

**ShortRoundChief** · 11-26-2013, 10:40 PM

I have it. Ruldolph was the mutant offspring of an Afghanistan gang rape.

It is a sickening tale of how the first inserted a battery in the reindeer vagina and then went to town.

**cdcox** · 11-26-2013, 10:43 PM

I saw that this thread was from 2006, and that I'd posted in it and I was curious what I had posted. As soon as I saw question 2, I knew that this was going to be my post.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdcox

While I can see the attraction to Clarise, she is nothing compared to the young Mrs. Claus on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." That was one hot puppet.

**BigRedChief** · 11-26-2013, 10:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J Diddy

I have it. Ruldolph was the mutant offspring of an Afghanistan gang rape.

It is a sickening tale of how the first inserted a battery in the reindeer vagina and then went to town.

I thought Reindeer's and goats were related? Incest too Rudolf?

Graystoke · 11-27-2013, 08:46 AM

Yeah...this show is one of my favorites:

Additional thoughts:

Yukon Cornelius' stalwart sled dogs include a cocker spaniel, a poodle, a Saint Bernard, a collie, and a dachshund. A Dachsund? Really?

And did you notice that Yukon Cornelius has a Revolver? Whats the problem?
Why is he so feared of the Abominable?

Hermy-Herrbie whatever. Is the only elf without pointed ears. He's also the only male elf with hair on top of his head. This guy has way more issues then just wanting to be a Dentist.

At the end when Santa is dropping the Misfits toys out of his Sleigh, the helper elf drops the blue train, and he no longer has the caboose with square wheels!
What???
Also, the bird who couldn't fly is shown leaving the sleigh without an umbrella?
Could we imply that Santa was able to use his magic to fix these Misfit Toys?

BlackHelicopters · 11-27-2013, 09:11 AM

Who rides a a sleigh anymore. Get an SUV.

tooge · 11-27-2013, 09:18 AM

Greeeaaaat, so now, Dentist is code for bundle of sticks. Why all the dentist hate. Oh, and I'd nail Clarise if I was Afghani for sure! she's hot.

tooge · 11-27-2013, 09:23 AM

The entire premise of the show is passe anyhow.
1. Obamacare is going to fix all the misfit toys.
2. Herbie won't be able to get into dental school because he's not female, black, or arab.
3. Global warming has ruined any chance of cruising around for weeks at a time on a small floating piece of ice.
4. Yukon Cornelius changed is last name to Hoffman and is prospecting gold in South America somewhere.

KINGPIN CHIEFS FAN · 11-27-2013, 10:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

We had 3 channels. None were funny or good. All we had was Rudolf visiting our vacant hellscape of TV viewing once a year. We are still traumatized. Cut us a break.

Don't forget the Wizard of Oz that was shown once a year. You talk about a violence filled hour that scared the crap out of young kids. Nothing but murder and mayhem and extreme prejudice towards witches. I don't have any problem with hot witches, Elizabeth Montgomery was welcome in my fantasies many times as a young buck.

Valiant · 11-27-2013, 10:36 AM

Damn christians. Christ was not born in December. Quit trying to take over my pagan holiday.

**gblowfish** · 11-27-2013, 10:49 AM

**gblowfish** · 11-27-2013, 11:02 AM

OK, this one is extra disturbing.... NSFW....not safe for ANYONE....

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Viral

12-22-2006, 10:20 AM
siberian khatru 21st Century Schizoid Fan Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: The Gates of Delirium Casino cash: $-1235050	16 Serious Questions Raised by "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/ 1.) WHY IS SANTA SUCH A COMPLETE BASTARD? I'm going to say he has a chemical disorder, probably Bipolar. The elves sing him a very nice song and he's a total jerk about it, leaving the desperately co-dependent Mrs. Clause to patch things up. He has some sort of eating disorder that causes his weight to fluctuate wildly. He tells Dasher he should be ashamed for presenting Rudolph to the community simply because the child has some sort of nose disorder. He only changes his mind about Rudolph once he figures out a way to exploit him. Plus, this guy is absolutely ITCHING to cancel Christmas. Hey Santa. It's not your call. Christmas is the day Jesus was born. God will let you know if Christmas is cancelled. Until then, get in the damn sleigh. 2.) WHAT'S UP WITH CLARICE? A generation of men my age is all screwed up because Rankin/Bass decided to make Clarice disturbingly attractive. She's a little forward, a little coy, and those eyelashes! I swear to God, we should all organize a class action suit to pay for our therapy. 3.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE ELVES? Why are they such fascists? Like the head elf isn't way different than all the others? And what about the tall elf? Is he an engineer? Is he from MIT? Why is he tall? And how come the head elf and the tall elf don't get any shit but Hermy does? 4.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE REINDEER? Okay, Rudolph's glowing, squealing nose is weird as shit, but why do the other reindeer find it terrifying? What about a glowing, squealing nose makes other reindeers pupils shrink and their bodies convulse? And why does it mean the poor bastard can't 'play in any reindeer games'? He's the best at flying after Provocative; Jailbait Clarice... ...comes onto him. Is this like back when Negroes weren't allowed to play football? 5.) IS IT HERMY OR HERBIE? My word to God, he gets called both over the course of less than an hour. 6.) IS HERMY GAY? Yes. Forty years ago you couldn't talk about homosexuality among puppets on TV, so they used the word 'dentist' instead of 'f-a-g.' 7.) IS YUKON CORNELIUS GAY? Yukon Cornelius, like 7% of the population is asexual. 8.) WHAT'S THE DEALIO ON THAT FRIGGIN' TALKING SNOWMAN? Forty years ago, Burl Ives, who lent his voice and a lot more of his image than you'd think to the Talking Snowman was a big star. Now nobody remembers hits like "The Big Rock Candy Mountain" (a song that is actually about Hobos dying of malnutrition, exposure and alcoholism) or "The Ugly Bug Ball" (which is actually about unattractive bugs gathering to dance) or his Oscar winning turn as "Big Daddy" in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof". All anyone remembers about Burl Ives is that he is the talking snowman and they don't even know he was really Burl Ives. I imagine this makes the ghost of Burl Ives just about as mad as ****. 9.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH TIME AT THE NORTH POLE? Okay, follow me here. Rudolph runs away from home right after Reindeer practice. He has adventures with Herbie and Yukon Cornelius and visits the Island of Misfit Toys. Then he leaves them behind and is off on his own long enough to enter puberty and grow antlers. Meanwhile, his Dad went to look for him right after he ran away, followed almost immediately by his mom and that Little Tart Clarice. The near adult Rudolph returns home to be informed by Santa that everyone's gone looking for him. We know it's been less than a year because Santa says he can't fly the team without Rudolph's dad, but it sure as hell has been a while. Rudolph goes directly to the Abominable snowman's cave JUST IN TIME TO STOP HIM FROM EATING THE ODDLY PROVOCATIVE... ...CLARICE! How are we supposed to view this sequence of events? Where Mom, dad and Clarice looking for Rudolph for almost a year before the Abominable caught them? It's just a coincidence Rudolph stumbles upon them moments after that? I think this stretches credulity. I'm forced to assume that somewhere in the vicinity of the Island of Misfit Toys there's an object of immense mass, perhaps a Fallen White Dwarf Star, and that proximity to this mass causes relativity in time so that Rudolph has aged nearly a year while only having left the Pole for about a day. 10.) DO CLARICE'S PARENTS JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT? Rudolph runs away and his folks go after him. Clarice disappears and her parents… don't appear in the special. Is she an orphan? Is that why she's always on the make, looking for the love she never got? Or maybe she's got that smokin' hot thing going on chicks get when Daddy can't be bothered. Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about here. You want her as much as I do and you don't give a damn that she's a reindeer. 11.) WHY IS KING MOON RACER SO DAMN COOL? Aside from the fact that a Lion with wings is pretty cool to begin with, no one knows. I mean what does he do? He's king of an Island of Misfit Toys and all he wants is for Santa to take them off his paws. Then what would he be king of? A lot of Permafrost, that's what. But he's still cool as hell and anyone who says he isn't can meet me out back for a serious beating. 12.) IS THE BUMBLE reerunED OR WHAT? Ten minutes before Herbie yanks his teeth out, This hulking brute snapped a damn stalactite of the roof of his cave and beat Rudolph unconscious with it. Now he's harmless cause he doesn't have teeth? HELLO! You still have huge friggin' claws! You're still a friggin' GIANT! Get another stalactite and beat Yukon Cornelius to prospector paste instead of letting him push you off a damn cliff! 13.) WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE DOLL ON THE ‘ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS'? She looks fine, right? She isn't. She wouldn't be on the ‘Island if Misfit Toys' if she was. Check it out. Rudy tells King Moon Racer that if he ever gets back to the North Pole he'll give Santa the 411 on the Misfits. Christmas Eve, when the doll thinks Santa isn't going to show, she goes on a crying jag and accuses Rudolph of having promised to help them. Okay, A.) He never made any damn promise B.) Rudolph doesn't run Christmas, Santa does and he's a complete, manic depressive bipolar bastard. I'll tell you why the doll is a misfit. She's a lying little bitch. 14.) WHY DOESN'T CHARLIE IN THE BOX CHANGE HIS NAME? You can do that, you know. Have your name changed. 15.) WHY DOESN'T THE JELLY SQUIRTING WATER PISTOL EMPTY OUT THE JELLY AND PUT IN WATER? I mean, it's not brain surgery. Stop looking for Santa to solve your problems. He's a bastard. 16.) WHY DOES RUDOLPH AGREE TO LEAD SANTA'S SLEIGH? I mean, when someone treats you that way, all they deserve is a swift hoof in the nuts. I'm serious. Guide your own damn sleigh. Then when you crash in the Andes you can eat your Reindeer to survive. Nobody likes a skinny Santa.
Posts: 71,888

11-26-2013, 10:13 PM	#33
Psyko Tek special teams Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Mesa AZ Casino cash: $10015665	TO ****ING EARLY jebus can we p[lease wait until after thanksgiving __________________ Psyko Tek The keyboard has been drinking,
Posts: 12,018

11-26-2013, 10:40 PM	#35
ShortRoundChief Embrace the love Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Joplin Casino cash: $4137192	I have it. Ruldolph was the mutant offspring of an Afghanistan gang rape. It is a sickening tale of how the first inserted a battery in the reindeer vagina and then went to town.
Posts: 33,929

11-27-2013, 08:46 AM	#38
Graystoke MVP Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Driftless Region Casino cash: $-2490000	Yeah...this show is one of my favorites: Additional thoughts: Yukon Cornelius' stalwart sled dogs include a cocker spaniel, a poodle, a Saint Bernard, a collie, and a dachshund. A Dachsund? Really? And did you notice that Yukon Cornelius has a Revolver? Whats the problem? Why is he so feared of the Abominable? Hermy-Herrbie whatever. Is the only elf without pointed ears. He's also the only male elf with hair on top of his head. This guy has way more issues then just wanting to be a Dentist. At the end when Santa is dropping the Misfits toys out of his Sleigh, the helper elf drops the blue train, and he no longer has the caboose with square wheels! What??? Also, the bird who couldn't fly is shown leaving the sleigh without an umbrella? Could we imply that Santa was able to use his magic to fix these Misfit Toys?
Posts: 9,609

11-27-2013, 09:11 AM	#39
BlackHelicopters Spiraling down the Drain Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Dante's Ninth Circle Casino cash: $-779412	Who rides a a sleigh anymore. Get an SUV. __________________ "We're both part of the same hypocrisy, Senator, but never think it applies to my family." "Fredo. You are my brother, and I love you. But never take sides against the Family again. Ever." 2019 Adopt a Chief - Travis Kelce #87
Posts: 33,301

11-27-2013, 09:18 AM	#40
tooge MVP Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Liberty, MO Casino cash: $734112	Greeeaaaat, so now, Dentist is code for bundle of sticks. Why all the dentist hate. Oh, and I'd nail Clarise if I was Afghani for sure! she's hot.
Posts: 17,152

11-27-2013, 09:23 AM	#41
tooge MVP Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Liberty, MO Casino cash: $734112	The entire premise of the show is passe anyhow. 1. Obamacare is going to fix all the misfit toys. 2. Herbie won't be able to get into dental school because he's not female, black, or arab. 3. Global warming has ruined any chance of cruising around for weeks at a time on a small floating piece of ice. 4. Yukon Cornelius changed is last name to Hoffman and is prospecting gold in South America somewhere.
Posts: 17,152

11-27-2013, 10:36 AM	#43
Valiant Valiant 'The Thread Killer' Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Kansas City Casino cash: $4552380	Damn christians. Christ was not born in December. Quit trying to take over my pagan holiday.
Posts: 18,552	0 1

11-27-2013, 10:49 AM	#44
gblowfish Be Kind To Your Pets Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Glorious Independence, MO Casino cash: $16896178 VARSITY
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11-27-2013, 11:02 AM	#45
gblowfish Be Kind To Your Pets Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Glorious Independence, MO Casino cash: $16896178 VARSITY	OK, this one is extra disturbing.... NSFW....not safe for ANYONE.... 000000;width:520px;"> FFFFFF;padding:4px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:12px;"> Viral
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