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11-19-2012, 06:53 PM | #136 | |
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Late this afternoon, momowanian stopped by my office. I had been reading this thread when she stopped in, and as she got back into the car with my dad, who treats her well I pondered this situation. I can say with pretty good confidence that once my mother told me that she had been shoved and was crying....I would have reacted in a manner some would consider poorly or barbaric. Your situation pisses me off for you...what an asshole. he deserves whatever life gives him. |
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11-19-2012, 07:30 PM | #137 | |
CHANGEd your mind yet????
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Meet the new boss same as the old boss. BigChiefDave:"Anyone who thought we would only be in Iraq for a few years is either stoned or just stoopid." "It is unknowable how long that conflict will last. It could last 6 days, 6 wks. I doubt 6 mths." Rummy 2/7/03 |
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11-19-2012, 07:52 PM | #138 |
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I think you are doing the right thing by not going as well. Just because you don't go to a Thanksgiving dinner doesn't mean that you are abandoning your mother. You can still have a relationship with her but within the boundaries you set that don't allow the abusive BF to be a part of it. Explain to her that you don't feel comfortable with him and do not want to have your family around him. Make sure to let her know it in no way reflects your family's view on her. You wish to have her in your family's life just as much as she always has been. You and her simply have a different view on the BF and that is ok. She won't change your mind and you won't change hers as you are both adults.
If she gives you an ultimatum(which it seems is highly unlikely) that you either accept the BF or get out of her life, tell her you are sorry she is making such a harsh decision but you can not condone his behavior or subject your family to the possibility of being around it. Let her know you love her and your door is always open if she needs you. If that does happen, remember that you are not the one who closed the door on the relationship. You provided options and she refused them. I wish you well my friend! I've got plenty of "family history" we'll call it that I can relate to your thoughts. Enjoy your Thanksgiving!
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11-19-2012, 07:54 PM | #139 |
Consuming CP souls
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Tell him your nickname is "Dr. Giggles"
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11-19-2012, 08:38 PM | #140 |
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This
You mom is a classic co-dependent who is dating an alcoholic who really thinks he doesn't have a problem and is just going through the motions right now because the heat is on. Your mom has cleaned up a lot of this guy's messes already I'm guessing and now she expects you to go along as well. But your boundary setting has exposed her selfish insecurity of having a man at all cost So much so that she verbally abuses her own kids when they disagree with her(e.g. YOU) Co-dependency from the family and friends of the addict involved can be sooooooooo sick at times. Stay the course if you want your Mom to truly see her behavior for what it is and eventually get better. It will get ugly and will take time, but you will have to let her lie in her own messy bed she has created in order for her to realize for herself that she actually needs to change and not others . There are no guarantees and she may not get better. It will be tempting at times to give in and take care of her by not sticking to your boundaries because it is very difficult as a son not to step in and take care of MOM. But you see, the co-dependent hates healthy boundaries and literally takes on the same 'personality of manipulation' just like the addict but without physically taking drugs/alcohol. The co-dependent is addicted to feeling responsible for everyone's actions and especially their emotional well being. She is trying to get you to feel responsible for her feelings while she already feels responsible for her alcoholic BF's feelings. And the endless cycle of co-dependent dysfunction just keeps metastasizing from one family generation to the next family generation. Did your father or grandfather have drinking problems ?? Because this stuff is sooooo generational. |
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11-19-2012, 08:43 PM | #141 | |
Apr 13,1949 – Dec 15, 2011
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11-19-2012, 09:08 PM | #142 | |
CHANGEd your mind yet????
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The guilt, shame, and manipulation tactic she used to try to conjole Tooge into attending the Thanksgiving dinner is classic codependent. Her late husband may have 'treated her like a queen' but these behaviors don't just manifest overnight. Not to mention, that if she had healthy boundaries she would see red flags in the relationship and would have left way before it escalated into abusive. People who stay in these relationships have been conditioned by some sort of previous experience to them. There is a certain 'comfort level' which doesn't exist with people who have not be predisposed to stay in an abusive relationship. Maybe her own parents had this type of relationship. Healthy people, even if incredibly lonely, don't stay in abusive relationships, period.
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Meet the new boss same as the old boss. BigChiefDave:"Anyone who thought we would only be in Iraq for a few years is either stoned or just stoopid." "It is unknowable how long that conflict will last. It could last 6 days, 6 wks. I doubt 6 mths." Rummy 2/7/03 |
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11-19-2012, 09:15 PM | #143 | |
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11-19-2012, 09:18 PM | #144 |
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sorry for your loss.
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11-19-2012, 09:20 PM | #145 | |
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You have kids, dude. No jail.
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11-19-2012, 10:28 PM | #146 | |
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It might be a good idea to get your brother up to speed on what's going on. He lives closer and is in a better potion to keep an eye onn things. He needs to hear, from you, why you aren't going to be at Thanksgiving dinner. Most importantly, she is his mother too and has a right to know.
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11-19-2012, 10:32 PM | #147 |
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they don't call it tough love for nothing.
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11-20-2012, 01:23 AM | #148 | |
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Excellent post! |
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11-20-2012, 07:16 AM | #149 | |
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I needed the time because I walked away from the computer and went outside to build some fence. Don't get too many 60-degree days in November around here. Let me ask you a serious question: what in the world is your point? His mother TOLD HIM she was being abused. What AT ALL does MY definition of abuse have to do with anything? Perhaps if you explain your motivation for wanting to know, it would help the situation. As it is, I - and about a dozen other people - see your question as typical DC-style "turn it on the victim" deflection. |
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11-20-2012, 07:24 AM | #150 | ||
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You only have 2 options:
A) Avoid a bad situation. This is family. You decide when it's worth being around or not. B) Realize you can't change or fix this. The only good you can inject in the situation is behaving the way you believe is right/moral/justified and let the chips fall where they may. You going to jail changes nothing and only hurts your life and family and future. You'll be in a cage and he'll be there with your mother...
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