Ask Iowanian. Pt II, the Keyboard of Doom - Page 18

**Iowanian** · 01-29-2004, 02:46 PM

If you've got a problem, yo Ahll Solve it, check out my hooks, while DJ revolves it..tss tss ts tss tst

If Dr Laura, Dr Phil or Ann Landers couldn't help you.....Serve it up.

Its the offseason, the board needs something other than politics. This thread, and the answers will go where you take it. A serious Question....I'll try to help, and or rely on others......A not serious question....You'll get what you ask for.

disclaimer: Iowanian is not a licensed Doctor, Psychologist or anything else. No responsibility shall be taken by advisors on any issue within the thread. The answer "I have no #@%&* idea " is valid and acceptable for these purposes. If the thread sucks, it shall fade into planet oblivion.

**Iowanian** · 07-15-2005, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dinny Blues

How long does it take to get to Australia in a row-boat?

P.S. Will there be like, sharks or pirates and stuff?

Dinny

Unless you're an Eskimo Whale Spearer who took a really long turn, or a member of Honduras' Navy....Why the Fug would you be trying to take a Row boat to Australia?

**alanm** · 07-15-2005, 08:31 PM

Dr. Iowanian, My GF is out of town for the weekend and one of her best friends called up and asked me if I wanted to go with her out to dinner and to a bar afterward to see a band. I think she wants to jump my bones. What should I do?
BTW I'm easy and my GF says all men are sluts. Especially me.

**Iowanian** · 07-15-2005, 08:36 PM

I have 3 questions.
1. How much do you like your girlfiend?
2. Do you really think she's off getting banged like a screen door by some handsome Ethnic dude?
3.Will this chic tell?

You could always take the Clinton Amendment and let her give you a Monica. If you dig your broad...don't....If you think someone is 10" into her lower cavity right now....Time to try your filthy Porno Moves on her.

Speaking of...Do you Know how you KNOW that you're a famous, powerful man in the world?

When someone sucks your dick and it makes THEM famous.

I took an evening stroll and called to the Sky to help me search your Answer..you see, I'm half Indian Shaman.

WolfDawg · 07-15-2005, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KCWolfman

My brother thinks he is a mule. Should I feel guilty about having him pull a plow every spring?

if you want to make some extra money, there is this farm in washington......

Mosbonian · 07-22-2005, 05:52 PM

Dr. Iowanian:

I have a couple of questions, so I will break them up to make sure I add to your already excessive consulting fees....

I was driving back from St. Louis today on I-70, stuck in a traffic jam because of the road work being done....while trying to enjoy my 3 MPH trek from the outskirts of STL to when the traffic jam finally broke in Wentzville, I came upon a rather obnoxious driver. Now, normally I would write this off to the driver being from St. Loser and just say "That figures" and drive on. But this culprit-idiot had license plates from Iowa.

First the culprit-idiot sped by me and several other cars using the shoulder as his passing lane....now normally I get pissed off enough with just seeing that, but the buttface slid right in front of me and then hit his brakes!!! Being the understanding type of person I am, I decided to use all my fingers when waving at him the first time, trying to show him a little of the Mizzou hospitality and cutting him a little slack. But once wasn't enough for the corn-fed goofball....next he proceeds to try and slide over to the next lane left, but after realizing that it wasn't going any faster he makes a sharp cut back into my lane and hits his brakes again.....this time I decided that I would show him his intelligent quotient by utilizing only one finger in waving at him. Next, in one of the more brilliant traffic movements that I have witnessed in my long life, he swerved back out to his "shoulder lane" and proceeded to rear-end an automobile that was broken down at the side of the road. Now, after ensuring all of his passengers were fine, I rolled my window down to exlpain to him that he was lucky no one was hurt He, in turn, returned the favor by giving me the 'you're number one" salute back.

So here's the question....knowing that you are all things Iowa, and can spot a pretender in a heartbeat, I wanted to see if this guy was a "true" Iowanian.....here's what i can tell you about him:

1) He was driving a Ford Taurus that had a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker on the back...

2) There was also a sticker that read "Wander Indiana" (isn't that also on the Indiana license platers)

3) He got out of the car wearing a pair of pants that should only be worn on a secluded golf course....

Now, from what I have given you, is this gentleman truly from your home state?

mmaddog
*******

Mosbonian · 07-22-2005, 06:05 PM

Now, my second, and more intriguing question....

Last week, on another one of my many business jaunts here in the Midwest, I was staying at an unnamed, but well-known national Hotel chain. When I checked in, I noticed that they were having a convention that seemed to be attracting a great deal of attention. After checking into my room I decided to wander down to the Mini-Convention Center to see what the attraction was.

To my grand surprise the convention was the Midwest Amateur Adult Movie convention!!! Imagine my surprise when I got to the end of the Hall and noticed that most of the outifts that the "ahem, Ladies" were wearing were great attire for the motel room, but not necessarily the convention floor. When I reached the end of the corridor, I was met by a couple of tree trunks with legs and his fellow Sasquatch and advised that unless I had a pass that I would not be able to even mingle at the entrance to the convention room. Seeing that they both could have used my body in a javelin toss event, i decided that I would retreat and watch the crowd coming and going from the safety of my room. (Did I mention that my room overlooked the parking area where I could get a good look at all those who were coming and going?)

Now, for my question....

Seeing how I prescribe to the "Al Bundy theory" that if something this good happens in your life, disaster is sure to follow should you expect to enjoy the simple pleasure, was I smart in retreating to my room to view from a safe vantage point, or should I have risked life and limb to find my way in, just on the small chance that some future porn star would find me irresistable?

mmaddog
*******

**Iowanian** · 07-22-2005, 10:55 PM

mmdog,

I don't know what to tell you about your first question. Its quite possible it was some offbreed Ioweegian instead of a purebread Iowanian. I spent my evening at a county fair demolition derby, and I'll be the first to admit if I occasionally wondered if I had accidently stumbled into an Arkansas Family reunion. I'd have considered it a contribution to society had you run the jerkoff into a grader ditch. I assume that in your situation, I'd have at least "mutherfuggered" the clown, as I cut off his route on the shoulder. You were within your right to have stabbed him through the earhole with a tire iron as he passed. I'm guessing someone loaned their car to Slayer again.

As to your second dilema...the obvious answer to gain access, would have been for you to have to drop your trousers, wedge your tighty whities up into a he-thong and strutted into Fat-over 40-please-bang-my-wife-ville.

The real issue is, why you haven't posted the name of the convention and city, so that other posters could search via google to locate the obvious flood of new "documentaries" of the convention.

**Iowanian** · 11-17-2005, 10:47 AM

I have a large pile of boring work that needs to be avoided, and a brain in need of creative stimulation.

challenge me fools........make them worthy of the bandwidth.

Mark M · 11-17-2005, 10:51 AM

Dear Dr. Iowanian --
In my experience, women should not be allowed to drive any vehicle larger than a Honda Civic. I'm tired of going 50 mph in the left lane behind some soccer mom who can't get her Expedition to the speed limit ... and waiting for some dance recital mom to figure out how to park her Suburban without having to pull forward two inches, then back a foot, forward three inces, back 2 centimeters, etc.

Does that make me a sexist?

MM
~~

Goapics1 · 11-17-2005, 10:52 AM

My pecker has been sore lately. Do I have a sports hernia?

**Iowanian** · 11-17-2005, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mark M

Dear Dr. Iowanian --
In my experience, women should not be allowed to drive any vehicle larger than a Honda Civic. I'm tired of going 50 mph in the left lane behind some soccer mom who can't get her Expedition to the speed limit ... and waiting for some dance recital mom to figure out how to park her Suburban without having to pull forward two inches, then back a foot, forward three inces, back 2 centimeters, etc.

Does that make me a sexist?

MM
~~

Of course not Mark, If you were actually sexist, you would have suggested the broads should be in the kitchen, making thier man a pie, instead of being so generous as to allow a Honda Civic.

They should consider you a true champion for thier cause given this statement, and the fact that you watched "beaches" on purpose.

**Iowanian** · 11-17-2005, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apics1

My pecker has been sore lately. Do I have a sports hernia?

Its highly doubtful, its far more likely it is from the unlubricated reacharound you pats fans have been getting from the Sports media the past 5 years. Unless Madden is eating some fried chicken sunday, Its probable that you'll have a blister worn on your Pickle helmet.

**Bowser** · 11-17-2005, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apics1

My pecker has been sore lately. Do I have a sports hernia?

Come on. You know you just have to cut back on the soap in the shower.

Goapics1 · 11-17-2005, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iowanian

you pats fans

WTF?

**RealSNR** · 11-17-2005, 04:10 PM

Dear Doctorwanian:

What should the Chiefs do with Priest?

SNR

01-29-2004, 02:46 PM
Iowanian Supporter Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Utopia Casino cash: $1638454	Ask Iowanian. Pt II, the Keyboard of Doom If you've got a problem, yo Ahll Solve it, check out my hooks, while DJ revolves it..tss tss ts tss tst If Dr Laura, Dr Phil or Ann Landers couldn't help you.....Serve it up. Its the offseason, the board needs something other than politics. This thread, and the answers will go where you take it. A serious Question....I'll try to help, and or rely on others......A not serious question....You'll get what you ask for. disclaimer: Iowanian is not a licensed Doctor, Psychologist or anything else. No responsibility shall be taken by advisors on any issue within the thread. The answer "I have no #@%&* idea " is valid and acceptable for these purposes. If the thread sucks, it shall fade into planet oblivion.
Posts: 62,945

07-15-2005, 08:31 PM	#257
alanm Feeling Victorian Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Nebraska/Wyoming/Colorado Casino cash: $-113564	Dr. Iowanian, My GF is out of town for the weekend and one of her best friends called up and asked me if I wanted to go with her out to dinner and to a bar afterward to see a band. I think she wants to jump my bones. What should I do? BTW I'm easy and my GF says all men are sluts. Especially me. __________________ It bears repeating, ** Herm, Pioli, Haley, and Crennel for ing up my franchise for a goddamn decade. Buehler 445**
Posts: 33,983

07-15-2005, 08:36 PM	#258
Iowanian Supporter Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Utopia Casino cash: $1638454	I have 3 questions. 1. How much do you like your girlfiend? 2. Do you really think she's off getting banged like a screen door by some handsome Ethnic dude? 3.Will this chic tell? You could always take the Clinton Amendment and let her give you a Monica. If you dig your broad...don't....If you think someone is 10" into her lower cavity right now....Time to try your filthy Porno Moves on her. Speaking of...Do you Know how you KNOW that you're a famous, powerful man in the world? When someone sucks your dick and it makes THEM famous. I took an evening stroll and called to the Sky to help me search your Answer..you see, I'm half Indian Shaman. Attached Thumbnails Last edited by Iowanian; 07-15-2005 at 08:56 PM..
Posts: 62,945

07-22-2005, 05:52 PM	#260
Mosbonian On Hiatus Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $-1400300	Dr. Iowanian: I have a couple of questions, so I will break them up to make sure I add to your already excessive consulting fees.... I was driving back from St. Louis today on I-70, stuck in a traffic jam because of the road work being done....while trying to enjoy my 3 MPH trek from the outskirts of STL to when the traffic jam finally broke in Wentzville, I came upon a rather obnoxious driver. Now, normally I would write this off to the driver being from St. Loser and just say "That figures" and drive on. But this culprit-idiot had license plates from Iowa. First the culprit-idiot sped by me and several other cars using the shoulder as his passing lane....now normally I get pissed off enough with just seeing that, but the buttface slid right in front of me and then hit his brakes!!! Being the understanding type of person I am, I decided to use all my fingers when waving at him the first time, trying to show him a little of the Mizzou hospitality and cutting him a little slack. But once wasn't enough for the corn-fed goofball....next he proceeds to try and slide over to the next lane left, but after realizing that it wasn't going any faster he makes a sharp cut back into my lane and hits his brakes again.....this time I decided that I would show him his intelligent quotient by utilizing only one finger in waving at him. Next, in one of the more brilliant traffic movements that I have witnessed in my long life, he swerved back out to his "shoulder lane" and proceeded to rear-end an automobile that was broken down at the side of the road. Now, after ensuring all of his passengers were fine, I rolled my window down to exlpain to him that he was lucky no one was hurt He, in turn, returned the favor by giving me the 'you're number one" salute back. So here's the question....knowing that you are all things Iowa, and can spot a pretender in a heartbeat, I wanted to see if this guy was a "true" Iowanian.....here's what i can tell you about him: 1) He was driving a Ford Taurus that had a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker on the back... 2) There was also a sticker that read "Wander Indiana" (isn't that also on the Indiana license platers) 3) He got out of the car wearing a pair of pants that should only be worn on a secluded golf course.... Now, from what I have given you, is this gentleman truly from your home state? mmaddog *******
Posts: 12,434

07-22-2005, 06:05 PM	#261
Mosbonian On Hiatus Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $-1400300	Now, my second, and more intriguing question.... Last week, on another one of my many business jaunts here in the Midwest, I was staying at an unnamed, but well-known national Hotel chain. When I checked in, I noticed that they were having a convention that seemed to be attracting a great deal of attention. After checking into my room I decided to wander down to the Mini-Convention Center to see what the attraction was. To my grand surprise the convention was the Midwest Amateur Adult Movie convention!!! Imagine my surprise when I got to the end of the Hall and noticed that most of the outifts that the "ahem, Ladies" were wearing were great attire for the motel room, but not necessarily the convention floor. When I reached the end of the corridor, I was met by a couple of tree trunks with legs and his fellow Sasquatch and advised that unless I had a pass that I would not be able to even mingle at the entrance to the convention room. Seeing that they both could have used my body in a javelin toss event, i decided that I would retreat and watch the crowd coming and going from the safety of my room. (Did I mention that my room overlooked the parking area where I could get a good look at all those who were coming and going?) Now, for my question.... Seeing how I prescribe to the "Al Bundy theory" that if something this good happens in your life, disaster is sure to follow should you expect to enjoy the simple pleasure, was I smart in retreating to my room to view from a safe vantage point, or should I have risked life and limb to find my way in, just on the small chance that some future porn star would find me irresistable? mmaddog *******
Posts: 12,434

07-22-2005, 10:55 PM	#262
Iowanian Supporter Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Utopia Casino cash: $1638454	mmdog, I don't know what to tell you about your first question. Its quite possible it was some offbreed Ioweegian instead of a purebread Iowanian. I spent my evening at a county fair demolition derby, and I'll be the first to admit if I occasionally wondered if I had accidently stumbled into an Arkansas Family reunion. I'd have considered it a contribution to society had you run the jerkoff into a grader ditch. I assume that in your situation, I'd have at least "mutherfuggered" the clown, as I cut off his route on the shoulder. You were within your right to have stabbed him through the earhole with a tire iron as he passed. I'm guessing someone loaned their car to Slayer again. As to your second dilema...the obvious answer to gain access, would have been for you to have to drop your trousers, wedge your tighty whities up into a he-thong and strutted into Fat-over 40-please-bang-my-wife-ville. The real issue is, why you haven't posted the name of the convention and city, so that other posters could search via google to locate the obvious flood of new "documentaries" of the convention.
Posts: 62,945

11-17-2005, 10:47 AM	#263
Iowanian Supporter Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Utopia Casino cash: $1638454	I have a large pile of boring work that needs to be avoided, and a brain in need of creative stimulation. challenge me fools........make them worthy of the bandwidth.
Posts: 62,945

11-17-2005, 10:51 AM	#264
Mark M What time is it? Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: You tell me ... Casino cash: $9884900	Dear Dr. Iowanian -- In my experience, women should not be allowed to drive any vehicle larger than a Honda Civic. I'm tired of going 50 mph in the left lane behind some soccer mom who can't get her Expedition to the speed limit ... and waiting for some dance recital mom to figure out how to park her Suburban without having to pull forward two inches, then back a foot, forward three inces, back 2 centimeters, etc. Does that make me a sexist? MM ~~ __________________ ChiefsPlanet -- n. The place where brilliant minds assemble to willfully pool ignorance with questionable logic in order to reach absurd conclusions.
Posts: 4,687

11-17-2005, 10:52 AM	#265
Goapics1 Ghetto Superstar Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Midwest Casino cash: $10004900	My pecker has been sore lately. Do I have a sports hernia?
Posts: 4,756