An ode to the Professional Softball Player - Page 2

cadmonkey · 06-30-2005, 06:57 AM

http://www.barstoolsports.com/article/Softball_Dude/252/

Softball Dude

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m the best fucking softball player you’ve ever met.

Just ask the opposing teams in the 4 leagues I’m in this summer. I flat out rake. You could populate a small country with all the pitchers I've taken deep.

I just spent three hours in the batting cage and hit the shit out of the ball. Line drives, big flies, opposite field shots. I can do it all. Some kids next to me in the cages were staring and pointing at me. I can’t blame them. They’ve probably never seen a 40 year-old man wearing Oakley Blades and batting gloves who can hit bombs like me. Especially not with shorts this tight.

This season, I’m making sure we sweep all 4 leagues.

Especially the Men’s League at St. Anthony’s. We were two outs away from winning that baby last year and now I can taste it. I’ve gotta get my hands on that 10-foot plastic trophy. It’s all I think about. Rumor has it the league winners get 2 free pitchers at Murphy’s Pub after the season. No way we lose with the trophy and 78 ounces of Busch on the line.

I just bought all new equipment for this season. You should see the acrylic baseball pants I got. Super tight. I picked up a new set of wristbands, a tube of eye black and a pair of 3-inch mud cleats, you know, just in case I need to break up a double play. I also got my hands on a $350 titanium bat for a little extra power. It cost me a week’s pay, but screw it, when I start cranking 400-foot shots it will be worth it. Plus I might need it to beat off all the trim that will be chasing me after the games.

Softball groupies love guys who can go deep.

I can’t wait for that first at bat. I’m bringing a tape deck to the game, so that I can blast The Scorpions when I walk to the plate. Nothing gets me fired up to play ball more than The Scorpions. Except maybe AC/DC, but I save that for the playoffs.

I feel sorry for the other teams. They have no idea what I’m about to unleash on them. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for them. You think that anyone felt sorry for me when that bastard coach cut me from the 8th grade baseball team? You think Babe Ruth or Dave Kingman felt sorry for the other team when they took them deep?

They should have known better than to get into a league with me.

This year I’m focused. I practiced like a son of a bitch in the winter and got the call to play third. That’s right, the hot corner. Only the best play the hot corner. I have to be sharp, so no more beer during the games. I’m going to wait until after the game to starting pounding cold ones and I’m still going to drink you under the table.

My initials might as well be M-V-P. That stands for Most Valuable Player for all you non-softball players.

The League starts Tuesday night. I took the day off of work.

Why do I take softball so seriously?

fuck you. You’re just jealous.

**Skip Towne** · 06-30-2005, 09:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phobia

Because slow pitch softball is vastly popular and readily available. How many large ballparks are available that could handle rec players driving a baseball 400 feet?

I play softball and I take it kinda seriously because it's fun for me. I realize it's not for everybody. I'm nowhere near this guy's level of ignorance, though. Once I spent $100 on a used $350 bat. One other time my wife bought me a $250 bat for about $180. But, I don't wear batting gloves, sliding shorts, and all the other softball specialty gear. I do wear coach shorts that are probably fairly tight. Heh heh.

Thanks for the warning.

06-30-2005, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apics1

This you Phil?

It's not. I'm not actually defending the guys who ARE like this, but the stereotype of all softball players acting like this is goofy. I can't believe softball players get this rep, but golfers get a pass. You want to talk about taking shit too damn seriously, look at your average weekend amateur shooting in the mid-90's. He's carrying $1500 in his bag and wearing $400 of golf attire on his back. How do I know this?

Mirror.

Goapics1 · 06-30-2005, 09:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phobia

He's carrying $1500 in his bag and wearing $400 of golf attire on his back. How do I know this?

Mirror.

Me too.

ROYC75 · 06-30-2005, 09:42 AM

You can find this type of competitive player in almost any sport,( Baseball,Softball, Golf,Scocer, volleyball, etc. ) He's the guy with an ego bigger than the rest of the team.

I played ball ( baseball, softball, both slow and fast pitch ) for years, I was good but never went around cocky or talk openenly about it.

But Phil is right, if you want to see egomaniacs at it's finest, try on a public link with a good 19th hole.............

06-30-2005, 09:50 AM

Holy shit, Roy's talking about me. I'm a complete egomaniac, but I'm not like the guy in the thread header.

I cussed our 3rd baseman a couple of weeks ago because he was standing around with his thumb up his ass (twice in one inning) while I was throwing tagging up baserunners out at his bag. Both of my throws hit his bag while he was standing 15 feet from it.

wutamess · 06-30-2005, 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phobia

I do wear coach shorts that are probably fairly tight. Heh heh.

Fairly? HUGE UNDERSTATEMENT!!!
I thought you were gonna get a yeast infection.

Brock · 06-30-2005, 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phobia

Holy shit, Roy's talking about me. I'm a complete egomaniac, but I'm not like the guy in the thread header.

I cussed our 3rd baseman a couple of weeks ago because he was standing around with his thumb up his ass (twice in one inning) while I was throwing tagging up baserunners out at his bag. Both of my throws hit his bag while he was standing 15 feet from it.

Damn, you'll never win a ring with players like that.

Goapics1 · 06-30-2005, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

Fairly? HUGE UNDERSTATEMENT!!!
I thought you were gonna get a yeast infection.

I'm sure he has a huge wedgy as well.

06-30-2005, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

Fairly? HUGE UNDERSTATEMENT!!!
I thought you were gonna get a yeast infection.

Dude - wow. Don't even start. I'll have to break out the photo I took of the goofy 3rd baseman wearing shorts and baseball socks pulled up to his knees.

06-30-2005, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brock

Damn, you'll never win a ring with players like that.

It's the championship Tee I'm after, dude. That's worth something.

wutamess · 06-30-2005, 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phobia

Dude - wow. Don't even start. I'll have to break out the photo I took of the goofy 3rd baseman wearing shorts and baseball socks pulled up to his knees.

Note to CP: Not the 3rd baseman he was referring to in previous posts.

Besides... those are my goodluck/sliding socks. (even thought I rarely slide.)

ROYC75 · 06-30-2005, 09:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phobia

Dude - wow. Don't even start. I'll have to break out the photo I took of the goofy 3rd baseman wearing shorts and baseball socks pulled up to his knees.

OK, Stop that, I wasn't playing and I haven't played 3rd base for at least 15 years.

I slowed down when 35 hit and the back and left knee started to bother me, when you slowing down ?

06-30-2005, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ROYC75

OK, Stop that, I wasn't playing and I haven't played 3rd base for at least 15 years.

I slowed down when 35 hit and the back and left knee started to bother me, when you slowing down ?

I dunno. My shoulder will soon relegate me to the infield and the game will lose some luster for me. I really like chasing balls in the outfield.

ROYC75 · 06-30-2005, 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phobia

I dunno. My shoulder will soon relegate me to the infield and the game will lose some luster for me. I really like chasing balls in the outfield.

That's the way it was for me, centerfield, then 3rd base and finally 1st base.....

I have the desire to still play, but the limbs have done gave in......

Goapics1 · 06-30-2005, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ROYC75

That's the way it was for me, centerfield, then 3rd base and finally 1st base.....

I have the desire to still play, but the limbs have done gave in......

What position is next after 1st base? Coach/retirement?

06-30-2005, 06:57 AM
cadmonkey Please no Vick!!!!!! Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Boston, Ma Casino cash: $10004900	An ode to the Professional Softball Player http://www.barstoolsports.com/article/Softball_Dude/252/ Softball Dude Allow me to introduce myself. I’m the best fucking softball player you’ve ever met. Just ask the opposing teams in the 4 leagues I’m in this summer. I flat out rake. You could populate a small country with all the pitchers I've taken deep. I just spent three hours in the batting cage and hit the shit out of the ball. Line drives, big flies, opposite field shots. I can do it all. Some kids next to me in the cages were staring and pointing at me. I can’t blame them. They’ve probably never seen a 40 year-old man wearing Oakley Blades and batting gloves who can hit bombs like me. Especially not with shorts this tight. This season, I’m making sure we sweep all 4 leagues. Especially the Men’s League at St. Anthony’s. We were two outs away from winning that baby last year and now I can taste it. I’ve gotta get my hands on that 10-foot plastic trophy. It’s all I think about. Rumor has it the league winners get 2 free pitchers at Murphy’s Pub after the season. No way we lose with the trophy and 78 ounces of Busch on the line. I just bought all new equipment for this season. You should see the acrylic baseball pants I got. Super tight. I picked up a new set of wristbands, a tube of eye black and a pair of 3-inch mud cleats, you know, just in case I need to break up a double play. I also got my hands on a $350 titanium bat for a little extra power. It cost me a week’s pay, but screw it, when I start cranking 400-foot shots it will be worth it. Plus I might need it to beat off all the trim that will be chasing me after the games. Softball groupies love guys who can go deep. I can’t wait for that first at bat. I’m bringing a tape deck to the game, so that I can blast The Scorpions when I walk to the plate. Nothing gets me fired up to play ball more than The Scorpions. Except maybe AC/DC, but I save that for the playoffs. I feel sorry for the other teams. They have no idea what I’m about to unleash on them. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for them. You think that anyone felt sorry for me when that bastard coach cut me from the 8th grade baseball team? You think Babe Ruth or Dave Kingman felt sorry for the other team when they took them deep? They should have known better than to get into a league with me. This year I’m focused. I practiced like a son of a bitch in the winter and got the call to play third. That’s right, the hot corner. Only the best play the hot corner. I have to be sharp, so no more beer during the games. I’m going to wait until after the game to starting pounding cold ones and I’m still going to drink you under the table. My initials might as well be M-V-P. That stands for Most Valuable Player for all you non-softball players. The League starts Tuesday night. I took the day off of work. Why do I take softball so seriously? fuck you. You’re just jealous.
Posts: 13,115

06-30-2005, 09:42 AM	#19
ROYC75 Time For Your Wake Up Call !!! Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Barn Yard Casino cash: $5179400	You can find this type of competitive player in almost any sport,( Baseball,Softball, Golf,Scocer, volleyball, etc. ) He's the guy with an ego bigger than the rest of the team. I played ball ( baseball, softball, both slow and fast pitch ) for years, I was good but never went around cocky or talk openenly about it. But Phil is right, if you want to see egomaniacs at it's finest, try on a public link with a good 19th hole............. __________________ Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it. John Lennon
Posts: 37,035

06-30-2005, 09:50 AM	#20
Phobia Guest Casino cash: $	Holy shit, Roy's talking about me. I'm a complete egomaniac, but I'm not like the guy in the thread header. I cussed our 3rd baseman a couple of weeks ago because he was standing around with his thumb up his ass (twice in one inning) while I was throwing tagging up baserunners out at his bag. Both of my throws hit his bag while he was standing 15 feet from it.
Posts: n/a