A Christmas Eve pep talk for you.

[Rain Man]

Okay, I know things have been a little rough lately. We scored 50+ points and lost. Our star running back pushed a person who lacked a Y chromosome. One of our best players can't find his spirit animal. People still think the team is in Kansas. The list goes on.

But we all know the bad news. I'm here in the locker room with you today to tell you the good news. And there's more good news than bad news.

So let's review, shall we? We'll start with the short term things that are right in front of us, and then we'll move out to the horizon.

Okay, first, we have the rest of the season. The playoffs start now, and our first opponent is 3-11, playing on a short week, coming to a road game, and they're time-traveling from 20 years in the past with their coaching staff. I think we can take these guys, and if we do then guess what? We're only two home games from playing in the Super Bowl! The Super Bowl! The land of myths and legends that no mortal Chiefs fan has ever visited unless they're old. And we will have the easiest path there of any team in the league.

So two games. And who will we play? It's anyone's guess, but it'll probably be some slugs of teams. The Texans and Ravens are irrelevant expansion teams, the Patriots and Steelers are tottering Byzantine Empires that have rotted from within, the Titans have no Jeff Triplette any more, and the Chargers? We have more Super Bowl trophies than the Chargers, so what does that tell you?

And once we go into combat, what do we have? We have the NFL MVP. We have the fastest man in the NFL and the quickest man in the NFL, who are the same man. We have the best tight end, a devastating pass rush, and a veritable army of "Did Not Practice" stars who should be returning to action fresh and rested.

Rest assured, we are currently the king of the mountain, and other teams won't be able to dislodge us. Sure, Patrick Mahomes II is shackled to the flailing albatross that is Bob Sutton, but are you really going to bet against Patrick Mahomes II? He's made 69 yard throws, left-handed throws, and on-the-run sprinting throws. Sutton can't even stop a normal offense, much less stop the greatness of Patrick Mahomes II and his merry band of touchdown scorers. And over the next two weeks, this team is only going to get better with the likes of LDTMD, Watkins, Erving, Ware, Fuller, and the physical manifestation of Eric Berry.

We've got this season in the palms of our hands. We will crush it into applesauce with our fists.

And that's just the short term. Looking forward, the future is so bright that we must don visual protection. We have the best of everything at all of the key positions. We have the best quarterback, the best wide receiver, a dominating inside/outside pass rush, and of course punter if we should ever need that skill. We even have a pro bowl left tackle now, and I bet you never saw that coming. We even have Bailey and Kpassagnon to terrify the opposition as they step off the bus.

The long-term needs of the team are minor and solvable. We'll do the classic political trick of naming Bob Sutton the ambassador to some faraway foreign land without phone or internet, and then we'll pick up an inside linebacker, safety, and center in the draft. How good does it feel that our main draft needs are inside linebacker, safety, and center?

And our division rivals? Come on. Could this get any better? Denver is being run by a semi-conscious egomaniac who is not just incompetent, but also un-fireable, and their ownership is in shambles. Oakland is being run by a guy with a bowl haircut from a Lewis Carroll novel and a coach whose prime was during the Bush presidency. And San Die - um, Los Angeles - can't fill a soccer stadium, and their greatest asset is a 37 year old quarterback who is basically the Screech of the NFL.

Yes sirree, this team is positioned for success both in the short term and the long term. Our window is open, and it's one of those sliding garage door things that you see in beachfront bars. All we have to do is leap through it.

So chin up, little buckos. Listen to this song in its entirety, and let's unleash the dervish next Sunday to get this dance started.

[TwistedChief]

If Rain Man believes, I believe.

Can you just keep us abreast of your hope-o-meter so we're not obligated to keep the faith any more than necessary?

[Coogs]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Not you. Other people.

Who are your age.

Fair enough!

[crayzkirk]

Too soon! My Chiefs PTSD is still flaring up.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by TwistedChief

If Rain Man believes, I believe.

Can you just keep us abreast of your hope-o-meter so we're not obligated to keep the faith any more than necessary?

My hope will only continue to grow. We are on a one-way street to glory.

[Chiefs4TheWin]

I know I've grown too bitter and cynical when a Rainman pep talk doesn't work. The Chiefs ptsd is all too real. Save me!

[pugsnotdrugs19]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

My hope will only continue to grow. We are on a one-way street to glory.

Thank you! Thanks for that, we appreciate it. Just wanted to say thank u for this!

[Coochie liquor]

Rain Man could do wonders working the suicide hotline. Good speech kind sir. All we can do is hope we get healthy and see what happens. Healthy I dont think many teams can match us. Even with this defense if we have a healthy O line and receiving corps we can manhandle most teams! Maybe we should invite the Indians and do a treaty to get the bad juju out of there.

[carcosa]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Okay, I know things have been a little rough lately. We scored 50+ points and lost. Our star running back pushed a person who lacked a Y chromosome. One of our best players can't find his spirit animal. People still think the team is in Kansas. The list goes on.

But we all know the bad news. I'm here in the locker room with you today to tell you the good news. And there's more good news than bad news.

So let's review, shall we? We'll start with the short term things that are right in front of us, and then we'll move out to the horizon.

Okay, first, we have the rest of the season. The playoffs start now, and our first opponent is 3-11, playing on a short week, coming to a road game, and they're time-traveling from 20 years in the past with their coaching staff. I think we can take these guys, and if we do then guess what? We're only two home games from playing in the Super Bowl! The Super Bowl! The land of myths and legends that no mortal Chiefs fan has ever visited unless they're old. And we will have the easiest path there of any team in the league.

So two games. And who will we play? It's anyone's guess, but it'll probably be some slugs of teams. The Texans and Ravens are irrelevant expansion teams, the Patriots and Steelers are tottering Byzantine Empires that have rotted from within, the Titans have no Jeff Triplette any more, and the Chargers? We have more Super Bowl trophies than the Chargers, so what does that tell you?

And once we go into combat, what do we have? We have the NFL MVP. We have the fastest man in the NFL and the quickest man in the NFL, who are the same man. We have the best tight end, a devastating pass rush, and a veritable army of "Did Not Practice" stars who should be returning to action fresh and rested.

Rest assured, we are currently the king of the mountain, and other teams won't be able to dislodge us. Sure, Patrick Mahomes II is shackled to the flailing albatross that is Bob Sutton, but are you really going to bet against Patrick Mahomes II? He's made 69 yard throws, left-handed throws, and on-the-run sprinting throws. Sutton can't even stop a normal offense, much less stop the greatness of Patrick Mahomes II and his merry band of touchdown scorers. And over the next two weeks, this team is only going to get better with the likes of LDTMD, Watkins, Erving, Ware, Fuller, and the physical manifestation of Eric Berry.

We've got this season in the palms of our hands. We will crush it into applesauce with our fists.

And that's just the short term. Looking forward, the future is so bright that we must don visual protection. We have the best of everything at all of the key positions. We have the best quarterback, the best wide receiver, a dominating inside/outside pass rush, and of course punter if we should ever need that skill. We even have a pro bowl left tackle now, and I bet you never saw that coming. We even have Bailey and Kpassagnon to terrify the opposition as they step off the bus.

The long-term needs of the team are minor and solvable. We'll do the classic political trick of naming Bob Sutton the ambassador to some faraway foreign land without phone or internet, and then we'll pick up an inside linebacker, safety, and center in the draft. How good does it feel that our main draft needs are inside linebacker, safety, and center?

And our division rivals? Come on. Could this get any better? Denver is being run by a semi-conscious egomaniac who is not just incompetent, but also un-fireable, and their ownership is in shambles. Oakland is being run by a guy with a bowl haircut from a Lewis Carroll novel and a coach whose prime was during the Bush presidency. And San Die - um, Los Angeles - can't fill a soccer stadium, and their greatest asset is a 37 year old quarterback who is basically the Screech of the NFL.

Yes sirree, this team is positioned for success both in the short term and the long term. Our window is open, and it's one of those sliding garage door things that you see in beachfront bars. All we have to do is leap through it.

So chin up, little buckos. Listen to this song in its entirety, and let's unleash the dervish next Sunday to get this dance started.

Yes!

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Chiefs4TheWin

I know I've grown too bitter and cynical when a Rainman pep talk doesn't work. The Chiefs ptsd is all too real. Save me!

Here's a prescription. Watch this twice and then call me in the morning if you don't feel better.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Coochie liquor

Rain Man could do wonders working the suicide hotline. Good speech kind sir. All we can do is hope we get healthy and see what happens. Healthy I dont think many teams can match us. Even with this defense if we have a healthy O line and receiving corps we can manhandle most teams! Maybe we should invite the Indians and do a treaty to get the bad juju out of there.

This is why I'm proposing the Ermines name change. If we go all-out with the Ermines, we'll have a dynasty for the next two decades. And the all-white uniforms will look really good.

[stevieray]

I just read this to my wife in an animated voice in which I hope coincided with the spirit it was written in...

I'm also on my second eggnogg and brandy...Thanks for the Christmas cheer and adding to an already wonderful day.


Let's do this!

[BigRedChief]

Damn right. It’s not every year, as a matter of fact it a rare year we get within 2 wins of a Super Bowl. And they are played at Arrowhead. Just enjoy the experience knowing it’s not going to be the last one in our lifetimes.

[Marcellus]

Originally Posted by Donger

I almost don't want to see the Chiefs in the SB this year. It feels vaguely familiar and premature, like when my parents let handed me the keys to '73 Chevy Chevelle with bald tires when I was 14.

For the love of God do not compare the Chiefs to a 73' Chevelle.

You could have said any year from 64' to 72' and you ****ed it up.

[Marcellus]

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

Damn right. It’s not every year, as a matter of fact it a rare year we get within 2 wins of a Super Bowl. And they are played at Arrowhead. Just enjoy the experience knowing it’s not going to be the last one in our lifetimes.

One convincing dominating win against the Raiders and it will be all sunshine and blowjobs here again.

[NJChiefsFan]

Hilarious and inspiring. I don't know whether to go fight or hug some carolers.