Ask Iowanian. Pt II, the Keyboard of Doom

[Iowanian]

If you've got a problem, yo Ahll Solve it, check out my hooks, while DJ revolves it..tss tss ts tss tst

If Dr Laura, Dr Phil or Ann Landers couldn't help you.....Serve it up.


Its the offseason, the board needs something other than politics. This thread, and the answers will go where you take it. A serious Question....I'll try to help, and or rely on others......A not serious question....You'll get what you ask for.


disclaimer: Iowanian is not a licensed Doctor, Psychologist or anything else. No responsibility shall be taken by advisors on any issue within the thread. The answer "I have no #@%&* idea " is valid and acceptable for these purposes. If the thread sucks, it shall fade into planet oblivion.

[JimNasium]

Originally Posted by JimNasium

Should I trust a man that wears a pinky ring?

WTF? Are you not answering the questions in the order they were taken?

[ChiTown]

Originally Posted by JimNasium

WTF? Are you not answering the questions in the order they were taken?

Is the ring made of foreskin?

[Iowanian]

Originally Posted by JimNasium

WTF? Are you not answering the questions in the order they were taken?

Jim, Please don't feel slighted. A question with such serious implications can often take a great deal of time to ponder, to make sure that the best advice is given for your price of admission.

"should you trust a man who wears a pinky ring".

I'd say that depends on the situation. See, while this question appears simple on the surface, its a delicate item, with complex theories not always aggreed upon by those in my perfection.

For example.
If you're sharing a tent with a guy at a Logging camp, who is wearing a pinky ring.....I'd recommend sleeping in long pants and zipping the bag up tighter. If you're seeking advice on redecorating the kitchen or the Den to suprise your wife, you may actually wish to SEEK a man in a pinky ring. This may also be the case if you are getting a haircut. If you're going with the flat top, butch, or high-n-tight....I'd recommend an old guy without a pinky ring, preferably named Floyd or Gary.......If you have the "Ryan Secrest" thing happening.....again...Seek out a guy with a pinky ring...Prefeably named Lance or Skylar.

hope that is helpful
(insert clever closing statement here)

[Iowanian]

Originally Posted by ENDelt260

What if I'm some wanting to get someone whacked?

I'd recommend you clear it with him before trying anything......and don't forget your slick liquid.

Whatever floats your boat.

[JimNasium]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

If you're sharing a tent with a guy at a Logging camp, who is wearing a pinky ring.....I'd recommend sleeping in long pants and zipping the bag up tighter. If you're seeking advice on redecorating the kitchen or the Den to suprise your wife, you may actually wish to SEEK a man in a pinky ring. This may also be the case if you are getting a haircut. If you're going with the flat top, butch, or high-n-tight....I'd recommend an old guy without a pinky ring.......If you have the "Ryan Secrest" thing happening.....again...Seek out a guy with a pinky ring...Prefeably named Lance or Skylar.

[Bwana]

Dear Dr. Iowanian:

First of all, let me tell you I am a big fan. You are far and away better than that big old tub of goo Oppra and that turd burglar Dr. Phil.

My question pertains to the dentist. If I goes in and the good Dr. dentist causes me more pain than I have ever experienced in my life, is it ok to give him the Overhead treatment and kick him in the twins?

[Iowanian]

First. Let me Thank you. Its always nice to hear from fans that I've been able to help. Its YOU, the fan that is the real star. Without such sophisticated questions, I'd have nothing to add.

Its funny you should mention that Bwana. Just yesterday I was thinking of your plight. I went to the dentist to get "2 small spots touched up" and it turned into 3 1/2hours of unpleasantness. Apparently, the Geologic department of dentistry determined a high probability of hitting oil if they were to dig long enough and deep enough into my skull. During this experience, apparently there was a nerve that wouldn't deaden....and every time the drill, auger, or spade type digging utensil scraped it, I had a feeling similar to how it might feel to crush ones own nuticles.

Every time the horrid look of displeasure crossed my face, the dentist asked if I was "feeling that"....It was my determination, that since its difficult to communicate orally when someone has 2 hands, a mirror and a black-n-decker sawszall in ones mouth, that the proper way to effectively communicate with said dentist was to grab his pill bag with a pair of fencing pliers.....relaxing the grip when things are fine, and squeezing as the pain level would dictate.

Altough, I'd never claim to be able to fully understand your pain, I do have empathy and feel that this is the best sollution for all of us.

[Bwana]

Thank you doc, I will toss on my steel toe boots next time I go in.

[ExtremeChief]

Dr. Iowanian,

Ann Landers couldn't help me, and I'm not about to ask that fatsumbitch Dr. Phil. How do I get the blood off my shirt that inevitably comes after stabbing someone 16 times. The shirt is navy blue, if that helps.

[Iowanian]

Extreme.
Burn the shirt and get a new one. You can surely use money from the wallet of the person whose fluid is on the existing apparel.


Sheesh.

[ExtremeChief]

Thanks,

but I couldn't take money from their wallet... that would be stealing.

[Talisman]

Dr. Iowanian,

My wife wants to invite a couple she knows from work to our Super Bowl party. The problem is that I don't like them. The guy collects Star Wars Lego sets, she's into Dungeons & Dragons crap and neither one of them even care about football. How can I keep them from coming over and ruining the party for everyone else?

Desperate in Des Moines

[tk13]

DEAR PLEASANT PROFESSOR OF PIG POOP: I hope you can help me. My teenage daughter was recently invited to a nude slumber party. She assured me there would be no boys present.

I called the mother of the girl and talked to her about this party. While the mother admitted the idea was strange, she said she would be present during the party to supervise. She also said her husband and teenage son would be away for the weekend, so there would be no males present in the house. She assured me that nude slumber parties are all the rage these days.

I have never heard of such a thing and cannot imagine why a bunch of 15- and 16-year-old girls would want to spend 12 hours together naked.

- Frustrated Father In Pedophiliaville

[Iowanian]

Originally Posted by Talisman

Dr. Iowanian,

My wife wants to invite a couple she knows from work to our Super Bowl party. The problem is that I don't like them. The guy collects Star Wars Lego sets, she's into Dungeons & Dragons crap and neither one of them even care about football. How can I keep them from coming over and ruining the party for everyone else?

Desperate in Des Moines

As a wise man once said(and was suggested by Endelt). "spare the rod and spoil the broad"(hey! now there is a Iowani-copywrighted slogan to end posts with?.!"

You simply inform them that there are no Legos in Football. That isn't Jabba the Hutt on the Big Screen.....Its Ted Washington. If Taliswife hasn't invited them yet, you firmly say no, and offer to ease her discomfort with a naked halftime show. If she already has gone against the Kings wishes....Simply tell them the party was cancelled due to a new strain of that flu that is so prevelent in DesMoines. Nodouchabaggawatchafootball inmyhouseisitis Can be very very contagious.

If you allow this, the germ will fester. Next week, they'll be over to watch the American Idol marathon, and Taliwife will be replacing your Lifesize KC Helmet on the Mantle with some type of dried flowers.

Stop this now, or you'll soon find yourself painting their friggin house on the next episode of Trading Spaces.


Spare the Rod and Spoil the Broad

[Iowanian]

Originally Posted by tk13

DEAR PLEASANT PROFESSOR OF PIG POOP: I hope you can help me. My teenage daughter was recently invited to a nude slumber party. She assured me there would be no boys present.

I called the mother of the girl and talked to her about this party. While the mother admitted the idea was strange, she said she would be present during the party to supervise. She also said her husband and teenage son would be away for the weekend, so there would be no males present in the house. She assured me that nude slumber parties are all the rage these days.

I have never heard of such a thing and cannot imagine why a bunch of 15- and 16-year-old girls would want to spend 12 hours together naked.

- Frustrated Father In Pedophiliaville

Its imperitive that you keep your daughter home. Ever considered Perochial school?

I think the best thing to do is make the most opportunity. You can teach your teenage daughter about avoiding troublesome situations, and at the same time, send your teenage son over to Investigate. He'll think you're the coolest dad alive, and test that "talk" you have.