Clean jokes can be funny too!

[Frankie]

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

[Dave Lane]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[StcChief]

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk
helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign
'broomstick one.' And they say the Army has no sense of humor!

[Rooster]

Things that you should never say to a woman during an argument:

10- Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

9- Aww, you are so cute when you get all ticked off.

8- You're just upset because your a** is beginning to spread.

7- Wait a minute -- I get it. What time of the month is it?

6- You're sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

5- Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.

4- Whoa, time out. Football is on.

3- Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!

2- Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

1- Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

[Frankie]

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish; but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, ....


"I did. They're in your fishing box....."

[C-Mac]

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up
a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie;

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[Fairplay]

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the women in the back seat. They make love, but the women wants to make love again so the guy complies. She wants more and they do it once again.
She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."

While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've made love to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

So the man says sure and goes to make love to the women when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks "What are you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

[Oregon chief]

Hey Timmy, how many able bodied people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One.

Wow what a terrific audience.

[noa]

Originally Posted by Oregon chief

Hey Timmy, how many able bodied people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One.

Wow what a terrific audience.

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?

[Fairplay]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room; they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

[chiefbowe82]

[Simplex3]

Lane Kiffin had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 3rd-story window 200 yards away, KA-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away, KA-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghani is hailed as the Great Hero of football, and when Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

At that point, the old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I'll never forgive you for making us move to Oakland."

[Bob Dole]

Bob Dole isn't going to read all this crap. If it's a repost, deal with it...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Nebraska. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

[Bob Dole]

Bob Dole was checking news sites today and read an article on the dangers of drinking. Some of the information scared the shit out of Bob Dole, so that's it...

No more reading.

[sedated]

How do you stop a clown from smiling?

Hit him in the face with an axe

[Rooster]

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an older gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man, as he was golfing alone. Unable to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. he didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, he heard the old man say, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk, and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lain.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."