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Old 08-15-2014, 10:57 AM  
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Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Kansas City Chiefs



Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Kansas City Chiefs





Some people are fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Kansas City Chiefs.

Your 2013 record: 11-5. No franchise in football is better at rendering a successful regular season utterly pointless than the Chiefs. Remember: this team was coming off a 2-14 season in which the GM and coach witnessed one of the players commit suicide at the team facility (I believe Roger Goodell retroactively suspended Jovan Belcher for half a game after the fact). So going 11-5 without incident sounds like a fantastic leap forward, right? Well, see … Look, if you're a Chiefs fan, you should emotionally prepare yourself before we rehash all of this:

This team was up 38-10 over the Colts with just over 13 minutes to go in the third quarter. After that, a giant chasm opened up in the space-time continuum and Andrew Luck was granted Santa Claus powers. Seriously, he had FOREVER to come back. Every time five minutes ticked off the clock in that game, 10 additional minutes were added to it. And to cap it all off, everyone for the Chiefs got hurt: Jamaal Charles, Brandon Flowers, the bus driver, EVERYONE. By the time the comeback was finished, the Chiefs had nothing but Alex Smith and a bag of old onions left. Cyrus Gray could have stopped the bleeding by catching a sure touchdown, but he dropped it because that is what happens when you put the Chiefs in the playoffs. It was sad and shocking and yet somehow predictable and 100% preventable because…

Your coach: Andy Reid. OH YEAH!


The Chiefs passed the ball TWENTY-FIVE times in the second half in that game against the Colts. Whyyyyyyyyy??? Why would you do that? This team was averaging 4.7 yards per carry that game. Knile Davis was DESTROYING the Colts. And yet here is Andy Reid, who can never help himself, calling eight million passes and extending the game by 50 hours. Jesus. It's like the polar inverse of Martyball. Every year, fans scream at Andy Reid to run the ball more when his team is running well and he never listens. Why does he hate running the ball? Does it remind him of exercise? By the way, Jamaal Charles got a new contract this offseason. Which means it will be twice as infuriating when Andy Reid doesn't run him enough.

Your quarterback: Alex Smith, who wants $17 million a year from the Chiefs because he has deemed himself ELITE. Watching Alex Smith play quarterback is like playing the penny slots: not much risk, not much reward, you're obviously the broke dude just trying to get through the rest of the night without incurring serious financial harm. Football Outsiders ranked Smith as the 20th most effective QB in football last season, behind even Sam Bradford, who is dead. Smith threw for just over 3,000 yards and was only picked off seven times last season. You know had a better season than that for Kansas City a few years back? Matt Cassel. So yes, let's pony up **** You money for the guy whose ceiling is somewhere south of Prime Matt Cassel.

I bet they extend him within the next two weeks.

What's new that sucks: Dexter McCluster is gone! OH NO! Now the Chiefs are left with just six fragile, undersized hybrid backs. Left tackle Branden Albert is gone, and now #1 pick and TMQ wet dream Eric Fisher will have to protect Smith's blind side, despite being ****ing terrible last season. The secondary that allowed Andrew Luck to come back from 28 points down despite throwing a billion interceptions is somehow worse than a year ago. There is no one at corner. And the team failed to provide Smith with any additional weapons to throw too many short passes to.

That Colts comeback wasn't even the end of last season's misery. Turns out the Chiefs now know how to concuss each other in exhibition games, so look forward to more of that. Also, they tased the one black Chiefs fan in the stands this preseason. MISSOURI.

By the way, given all the shit with Ray Rice and Greg Hardy this offseason, it's amazing that the Chiefs could sever ties with Romeo Crennel and Scott Pioli and effectively render the Jovan Belcher murder/suicide all but forgotten. That all happened less than two years ago. And it happened mid-season. And only NOW is the NFL starting to talk about domestic violence and what not. The League still really doesn't talk about mental health issues with players (Belcher, Junior Seau) at all. It's just, "Welp, that happened! Let's wait for it to happen again!" Trauma doesn't just magically erase itself.

What has always sucked: God, Dwayne Bowe is still here. He'll never be as good as he was in 2010. At least Josh Gordon had the courtesy to be suspended and literally be absent from games. With Bowe, you go into every Chiefs game knowing he could catch three touchdowns but will choose to draw penises on the playsheet instead. I look forward to Andy Reid scheming six fourth quarter drops for him with a two-touchdown lead on a capable opponent.

All of this will be in service of a KC fanbase whose loudness is vastly overrated (the Chiefs have nine home wins in the past three years). It's the Chiefs who began the decibel-scale arms race between fans that has led to the Seahawks having the most obnoxious fanbase in the universe. So thanks for that, Kansas City. Assholes. The only way Kansas City makes anything good is by burning it. The best song about Kansas City is about the fear that someone from Kansas City is about to visit.



Worst of all, Kansas City is the city that allowed Jason Whitlock to have a career. I blame hip hop. Also, someone made this:



What is this? This is shit.

What might not suck: This is an Andy Reid team, so they will always be competitive. The front seven is great. Charles is a beast. Like, they'll tie the game 20-20 and then elect to punt from the opposing 35 with 10 seconds left. They will always manage to underachieve in a telegenic manner.



http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...efs-1622150776
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Old 08-15-2014, 02:09 PM   #31
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So funny. Look forward to reading every team get roasted every year.
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Old 08-15-2014, 02:39 PM   #32
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This letter from the chargers fan is hilarious.

Quote:
Justin Halpern:
First, let me say that I'm still basking in the post Norv Turner glow. Getting rid of him was basically like getting a negative AIDS test. The problem with that is, you forget that it's probably not a great sign that you had to go get an AIDS test in the first place.
Our team is almost the exact same as it was last year. We made almost no upgrades. In fact, we signed Brandon Flowers, who the Chiefs released because he's size of one of Alex Smith's hands and almost every receiver in the AFC west is built like that dude from Game Of Thrones that smushed that one guy's head. And in order to GET Brandon Flowers, we released a corner who, admittedly wasn't great, but was young and 6'2". And guess who signed him? The Chiefs. Which means we were outsmarted by the Chiefs, which is a lot like losing a poker game to a dog dressed in human clothing. Our stadium is the worst in the league. It looks like it was built in Nicaragua in the 60s in hopes of getting the world cup. It's just cement with some grass in the middle.
We play the NFC West this year, so that's at least three losses and probably four. Meanwhile, once again our season is tied to Philip Rivers, meaning as a Charger fan you have to root for him to succeed even though in ANY other situation in life, if you met him, you'd wish for his failure and untimely demise because he is the biggest shit head on the planet. He recently had his seventh kid, presumably representing each of the wins we'll have this season.
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Old 08-15-2014, 02:57 PM   #33
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Listopencil,

43-8

Sincerely, MFerJones!


PS it was a ****ing funny article though lol.
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Old 08-15-2014, 02:59 PM   #34
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:04 PM   #35
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This is 100% correct. Sad when you actually read it lol
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:06 PM   #36
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I am sitting at my desk literally LOLing right now just watching this gif. This may be teh best thing ever.





http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...lts-1617529298
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:06 PM   #37
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Depressingly brilliant.
Lol. This . he deserves 5% off of red parking passes
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:47 PM   #38
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All totally true.
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Old 08-15-2014, 04:52 PM   #39
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Old 08-15-2014, 04:55 PM   #40
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Old 08-15-2014, 05:37 PM   #41
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Old 08-15-2014, 05:38 PM   #42
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Fair enough on the second half play calls.

"Every time five minutes were ticked off the clock, 10 additional minutes were added to it".



Kool Aid got cocky, he'll learn from it.
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Old 08-15-2014, 05:41 PM   #43
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Fair enough on the second half play calls.

"Every time five minutes were ticked off the clock, 10 additional minutes were added to it".



Kool Aid got cocky, he'll learn from it.
He never learned from it in his 13 years in Philly.
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Old 08-15-2014, 05:41 PM   #44
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I am sitting at my desk literally LOLing right now just watching this gif. This may be teh best thing ever.





http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...lts-1617529298
That slobbering, angry mfer attitude is exactly whats been missing here for so long and we've all known it for years... offense, defense... I dont CARE but give me some slobbery, barely understood yells from a leader on EITHER SIDE of the ball.

Someone, please... get personally upset about our plight.
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Old 08-15-2014, 05:42 PM   #45
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He never learned from it in his 13 years in Philly.
Beat me to it.
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