Gladiator 2018 - Round 1, Match 20 - Sofa King versus Iowanian

[Rain Man]

Vote for the person that you think would win this match in a battle to death or submission. As background, assume that prior to the tournament you received 10 minutes of training on every weapon. The time listed is the amount of time before the match where you learn what the weaponry and venue is. All participants are handed their weapons at t=0 unless stated otherwise.

Venue - Contestant 2 is at the top of an upward-moving escalator and Contestant 1 is at the bottom. The escalator is the only space in the venue.
Starting Distance - 54 feet

Sofa King

Main Weapon - Samurai sword
Backup Weapon - Taser (the touch kind, not the shooting kind) and steak knife

Prep Time - 22 seconds
Special Factors - None

Iowanian

Main Weapon - 2 boomerangs, one heavy and one bladed, and a handful of salt
Backup Weapon - BB gun with 50 BBs, each of which is coated with enough poison to slow a person down by 4 percentage points

Prep Time - 5 Minutes

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Sofa King

I wrestled for 14 years.

Wow, that was a hard tie to break.

[ToxSocks]

Son, i am disappoint at the lack of salesmanship from out contestants.

[Bowser]

Originally Posted by DJ's left nut

Okay, so what if Iowanian just goes kamikazee. I've been looking at the escalator as being largely taken out by the initial positioning, but let's say that SK is running up that thing and Iowa just catches him flat footed and literally dives at him from the platform. Granted, the backup taser comes into play at that point, but any of us that have played football know that if you take a form tackle at speed to the chest, your marbles are scrambled for a second or so.

So at the whistle, Iowanian looks like he's gonna accept the charge and try to hit him on the run with the boomerang but instead he just crouches down and as soon as that sword comes back the dives into his chest and blasts them both down the stairs. At that point he has the close-quarters advantage with those little edged boomerangs vs. Sofa, who's now trapped between the rails on an escalator and presumably can't even get the sword drawn unless he ends up on top of Iowa.

That's his only path to the W, IMO. Gotta zig instead of zag there and catch him napping. Maybe if sofa runs up the escalator with the sword pointed forward like a bayonet charge he could kill that strategy and then go for a stab instead of a slice. I presume a samurai sword has a pointed end so he should still be okay. In either event, if Iowanian is committed to the strategy he'd still be a shitload of mass flying with that stair to push off of, so that's a ton of force. There's nothing SK could do to prevent getting blasted, he'd just have to hope that the impaling throws Iowanian off enough that he's able to get on top of him and administer the coup de gras...

This is a metric ****ton of thought when it comes to watching a guy with a sword take on a guy with two boomerangs on an escalator, lol.

[Sofa King]

Originally Posted by Detoxing

Son, i am disappoint at the lack of salesmanship from out contestants.

I’m too far ahead. He knows not to show his face in here.

[DJ's left nut]

Originally Posted by Detoxing

Son, i am disappoint at the lack of salesmanship from out contestants.

He was down 4 when I started lobbying for him.

That's what zealous advocacy will do for ya, son...

[Buehler445]

Originally Posted by DJ's left nut

Okay, so what if Iowanian just goes kamikazee. I've been looking at the escalator as being largely taken out by the initial positioning, but let's say that SK is running up that thing and Iowa just catches him flat footed and literally dives at him from the platform. Granted, the backup taser comes into play at that point, but any of us that have played football know that if you take a form tackle at speed to the chest, your marbles are scrambled for a second or so.

So at the whistle, Iowanian looks like he's gonna accept the charge and try to hit him on the run with the boomerang but instead he just crouches down and as soon as that sword comes back the dives into his chest and blasts them both down the stairs. At that point he has the close-quarters advantage with those little edged boomerangs vs. Sofa, who's now trapped between the rails on an escalator and presumably can't even get the sword drawn unless he ends up on top of Iowa.

That's his only path to the W, IMO. Gotta zig instead of zag there and catch him napping. Maybe if sofa runs up the escalator with the sword pointed forward like a bayonet charge he could kill that strategy and then go for a stab instead of a slice. I presume a samurai sword has a pointed end so he should still be okay. In either event, if Iowanian is committed to the strategy he'd still be a shitload of mass flying with that stair to push off of, so that's a ton of force. There's nothing SK could do to prevent getting blasted, he'd just have to hope that the impaling throws Iowanian off enough that he's able to get on top of him and administer the coup de gras...

I really think his best shot is to defend against the sword strike and counter.

[Buehler445]

Plus I think Iowanian could put a B.B. on his eye. Vote goes to iowanian.

[Sofa King]

Originally Posted by Detoxing

Son, i am disappoint at the lack of salesmanship from out contestants.

Me too. I was hoping he’d be here to battle me.

[Iowanian]

Originally Posted by Sofa King

I wrestled for 14 years.

Sorry I could t respond earlier, I was at boomerang class with chuck Norris

Simple simon..I wrestled 14 years too.....in the big leagues....Iowa. I wrestled terry ficking brands in freestyle when I was a sophomore. You wrestled fat reservation squaws....



I know at first glance you all think I'm a dead man....but know if I go I'll have one of sofas ears in my head as it bounces down the escalator(which reminds me of the story where I knocked a stack of plastic totes full of conference supplies down an escalator in front of 200 people).....


My weapons aren't ideal....you don't have to throw a boomerang.....I'm seeing two curved tomahawks. You've seen the Ghost in The Patriot?

Well....that's not my plan......I'm using more of a braveheart method vs charging Calvary. I don't have long poles to stab this donkey faced snow Mexican....so I'm charging and when he goes to swing high, I'm doing an up-down.......as I hit the ground while he swings over the top the escalator moves me past.....as he tries to turn I'm popping back up and swinging for the brain in the back of his head.


If he's too ninja like the guy with the Judy chops and chew cans on Jerry springer, I hope the goo from my body being splattered infects him with my mojo and gives him my lions roar in the next round.


If I win, I'm taking his credit card and doing some shopping before it gets shut off.

[Buehler445]

Donkey Faced Snow Mexican.

[Iowanian]

Oh yeah....I got a bob gun when I was six years old and spent my entire childhood shooting sparrows in barns and rabbits and grasshoppers.....I'll shoot your eye out, Ralphy.

[Pasta Little Brioni]

Sofa beating high ground Iowanian

[Kyle DeLexus]

Originally Posted by Sofa King

Wow, I win this one easy. The boomerangs are shit, not enough time for the BB gun and the salt is utterly worthless. I’m cutting his damn feet off on my way up and letting him tumble to death . I can be up those stairs in a heartbeat with my long athletic legs. Easy victory. My only regret is that Iowanian has to die. Also, I may rub his own salt in his ankle wounds and taser him before he dies. So I guess I don’t regret it at all.

You had my vote until this. I think you start taunting a footless Iowanian and as you are bending down to hit him with the taser, he sticks that bladed boomerang in your jugular for the kill shot. If you had just finished him off it was an easy win, but you had to rub salt in the wound.

[Sofa King]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

Sorry I could t respond earlier, I was at boomerang class with chuck Norris

Simple simon..I wrestled 14 years too.....in the big leagues....Iowa. I wrestled terry ficking brands in freestyle when I was a sophomore. You wrestled fat reservation squaws....



I know at first glance you all think I'm a dead man....but know if I go I'll have one of sofas ears in my head as it bounces down the escalator(which reminds me of the story where I knocked a stack of plastic totes full of conference supplies down an escalator in front of 200 people).....


My weapons aren't ideal....you don't have to throw a boomerang.....I'm seeing two curved tomahawks. You've seen the Ghost in The Patriot?

Well....that's not my plan......I'm using more of a braveheart method vs charging Calvary. I don't have long poles to stab this donkey faced snow Mexican....so I'm charging and when he goes to swing high, I'm doing an up-down.......as I hit the ground while he swings over the top the escalator moves me past.....as he tries to turn I'm popping back up and swinging for the brain in the back of his head.


If he's too ninja like the guy with the Judy chops and chew cans on Jerry springer, I hope the goo from my body being splattered infects him with my mojo and gives him my lions roar in the next round.


If I win, I'm taking his credit card and doing some shopping before it gets shut off.

I already told you I’m taking your chicken legs out. You didn’t listen. And you don’t win, bitch.

[Iowanian]

I've never been on an up-down escalator that didn't have a waste high railing......


You must be huffing gas, anoexic rob ford.

You'll bounce That Jake and the neverland pirate sword off the railing right before I split your skull like Doyle Hargreaves ....mmmmhhmmmm