Football Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Kansas City Chiefs - Page 4

listopencil · 08-15-2014, 10:57 AM

Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Kansas City Chiefs

Some people are fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Kansas City Chiefs.

Your 2013 record: 11-5. No franchise in football is better at rendering a successful regular season utterly pointless than the Chiefs. Remember: this team was coming off a 2-14 season in which the GM and coach witnessed one of the players commit suicide at the team facility (I believe Roger Goodell retroactively suspended Jovan Belcher for half a game after the fact). So going 11-5 without incident sounds like a fantastic leap forward, right? Well, see … Look, if you're a Chiefs fan, you should emotionally prepare yourself before we rehash all of this:

This team was up 38-10 over the Colts with just over 13 minutes to go in the third quarter. After that, a giant chasm opened up in the space-time continuum and Andrew Luck was granted Santa Claus powers. Seriously, he had FOREVER to come back. Every time five minutes ticked off the clock in that game, 10 additional minutes were added to it. And to cap it all off, everyone for the Chiefs got hurt: Jamaal Charles, Brandon Flowers, the bus driver, EVERYONE. By the time the comeback was finished, the Chiefs had nothing but Alex Smith and a bag of old onions left. Cyrus Gray could have stopped the bleeding by catching a sure touchdown, but he dropped it because that is what happens when you put the Chiefs in the playoffs. It was sad and shocking and yet somehow predictable and 100% preventable because…

Your coach: Andy Reid. OH YEAH!

The Chiefs passed the ball TWENTY-FIVE times in the second half in that game against the Colts. Whyyyyyyyyy??? Why would you do that? This team was averaging 4.7 yards per carry that game. Knile Davis was DESTROYING the Colts. And yet here is Andy Reid, who can never help himself, calling eight million passes and extending the game by 50 hours. Jesus. It's like the polar inverse of Martyball. Every year, fans scream at Andy Reid to run the ball more when his team is running well and he never listens. Why does he hate running the ball? Does it remind him of exercise? By the way, Jamaal Charles got a new contract this offseason. Which means it will be twice as infuriating when Andy Reid doesn't run him enough.

Your quarterback: Alex Smith, who wants $17 million a year from the Chiefs because he has deemed himself ELITE. Watching Alex Smith play quarterback is like playing the penny slots: not much risk, not much reward, you're obviously the broke dude just trying to get through the rest of the night without incurring serious financial harm. Football Outsiders ranked Smith as the 20^th most effective QB in football last season, behind even Sam Bradford, who is dead. Smith threw for just over 3,000 yards and was only picked off seven times last season. You know had a better season than that for Kansas City a few years back? Matt Cassel. So yes, let's pony up **** You money for the guy whose ceiling is somewhere south of Prime Matt Cassel.

I bet they extend him within the next two weeks.

What's new that sucks: Dexter McCluster is gone! OH NO! Now the Chiefs are left with just six fragile, undersized hybrid backs. Left tackle Branden Albert is gone, and now #1 pick and TMQ wet dream Eric Fisher will have to protect Smith's blind side, despite being ****ing terrible last season. The secondary that allowed Andrew Luck to come back from 28 points down despite throwing a billion interceptions is somehow worse than a year ago. There is no one at corner. And the team failed to provide Smith with any additional weapons to throw too many short passes to.

That Colts comeback wasn't even the end of last season's misery. Turns out the Chiefs now know how to concuss each other in exhibition games, so look forward to more of that. Also, they tased the one black Chiefs fan in the stands this preseason. MISSOURI.

By the way, given all the shit with Ray Rice and Greg Hardy this offseason, it's amazing that the Chiefs could sever ties with Romeo Crennel and Scott Pioli and effectively render the Jovan Belcher murder/suicide all but forgotten. That all happened less than two years ago. And it happened mid-season. And only NOW is the NFL starting to talk about domestic violence and what not. The League still really doesn't talk about mental health issues with players (Belcher, Junior Seau) at all. It's just, "Welp, that happened! Let's wait for it to happen again!" Trauma doesn't just magically erase itself.

What has always sucked: God, Dwayne Bowe is still here. He'll never be as good as he was in 2010. At least Josh Gordon had the courtesy to be suspended and literally be absent from games. With Bowe, you go into every Chiefs game knowing he could catch three touchdowns but will choose to draw penises on the playsheet instead. I look forward to Andy Reid scheming six fourth quarter drops for him with a two-touchdown lead on a capable opponent.

All of this will be in service of a KC fanbase whose loudness is vastly overrated (the Chiefs have nine home wins in the past three years). It's the Chiefs who began the decibel-scale arms race between fans that has led to the Seahawks having the most obnoxious fanbase in the universe. So thanks for that, Kansas City. Assholes. The only way Kansas City makes anything good is by burning it. The best song about Kansas City is about the fear that someone from Kansas City is about to visit.

Worst of all, Kansas City is the city that allowed Jason Whitlock to have a career. I blame hip hop. Also, someone made this:

What is this? This is shit.

What might not suck: This is an Andy Reid team, so they will always be competitive. The front seven is great. Charles is a beast. Like, they'll tie the game 20-20 and then elect to punt from the opposing 35 with 10 seconds left. They will always manage to underachieve in a telegenic manner.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...efs-1622150776

**Easy 6** · 08-15-2014, 05:55 PM

In all seriousness... when WAS the last time we watched a Chief get that goddamn slobbering caveman angry and animated on the sidelines about something?

Its been waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long IMO, some of these guys are just too happy to be here and getting some small time Escalades... I wanna see some ANGER and some HEART from SOMEONE once in a while.

Remember the pregame shot of Poe pumping up the huddle before the Indy game?

Yeah me too and it SUCKED, I wanted to get behind it but on my ancestors graves it felt empty, swear on my soul it sounded weak and unsure... WHO is going to be our permanently pissed off, extremely vocal, so mad about shit he's slobbering on the sidelines leader?

KChiefs1 · 08-15-2014, 06:06 PM

Depressing but kinda accurate.

ThaVirus · 08-15-2014, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Easy 6

In all seriousness... when WAS the last time we watched a Chief get that goddamn slobbering caveman angry and animated on the sidelines about something?

Its been waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long IMO, some of these guys are just too happy to be here and getting some small time Escalades... I wanna see some ANGER and some HEART from SOMEONE once in a while.

Remember the pregame shot of Poe pumping up the huddle before the Indy game?

Yeah me too and it SUCKED, I wanted to get behind it but on my ancestors graves it felt empty, swear on my soul it sounded weak and unsure... WHO is going to be our permanently pissed off, extremely vocal, so mad about shit he's slobbering on the sidelines leader?

I remember Flowers getting pretty pissed off after the Houston game in 2010. Andre Johnson clearly pushed him in the back but they called Flowers for DPI instead. Texans ended up scoring and winning the game..

Flowers was on the sidelines bitching at the ref like 10 minutes later.

**Easy 6** · 08-15-2014, 09:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThaVirus

I remember Flowers getting pretty pissed off after the Houston game in 2010. Andre Johnson clearly pushed him in the back but they called Flowers for DPI instead. Texans ended up scoring and winning the game..

Flowers was on the sidelines bitching at the ref like 10 minutes later.

Flowers... bad scheme fit at this time, maybe the only real angry AND prideful attitude on this defense, he was a good Chief.

**Baby Lee** · 08-15-2014, 09:37 PM

[QUOTE=Easy 6;10821445when WAS the last time we watched a Chief get that goddamn slobbering caveman angry and animated on the sidelines about something?[/QUOTE]

When was the last time [b]I]/b] was that goddamn slobbering caveman angry?

The Chiefs have become a predictable sitcom, poised for great success, with an Achilles heel you can see from orbit. Year after year, watch them get stabbed in the Achilles [ah-CHILL-esss, per WoF] and sigh resignedly.

TEX · 08-16-2014, 04:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThaVirus

I remember Flowers getting pretty pissed off after the Houston game in 2010. Andre Johnson clearly pushed him in the back but they called Flowers for DPI instead. Texans ended up scoring and winning the game..

Flowers was on the sidelines bitching at the ref like 10 minutes later.

I was at that game. He had a right to bitch. Chiefs led the whole way and got burned by that call at the end. KC fell to 3-2 but ended up with a better record than Houston that year. Should have won that game...

**Bowser** · 08-16-2014, 07:33 AM

These are always awesome. And deadly accurate, I'm afraid.

**Bowser** · 08-16-2014, 07:47 AM

Oh shit, the comments are ****ing hilarious (and spot on)

**Bufkin** · 08-16-2014, 08:12 AM

Andy Reid not running the ball because it reminds of exercise killed me.

**Dave Lane** · 08-16-2014, 08:25 AM

It's nice to see Marcellus aka Williedog got his video plugged in the story.

**Dave Lane** · 08-16-2014, 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eric Fisher

Andy Reid not running the ball because it reminds of exercise killed me.

Very good but I liked the Sam Bradford is dead better.

lcarus · 08-16-2014, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigChiefTablet

Another gem:

"The last time I went to a Chiefs game a single 50ish man in a 25 year old rusted out pickup parked next to us. I watched him for the next 30 minutes down a fifth of Jack and polish of 2 joints without getting out of the drivers seat. He proceeded to stumble out of his car and just kept yelling CHIEEEFFFFS as he stumbled toward the stadium. No one even batted an eye and just yelled it right back to him."

A dude getting drunk, high, and getting pumped before a game. Sounds like a good time.

**Dave Lane** · 08-16-2014, 08:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bowser

Oh shit, the comments are ****ing hilarious (and spot on)

I'm gonna list a few favorites.

At no point in the playoff game against the Colts and their mongoloid ogre of a QB did I or anyone I know feel like the Chiefs would win. They were up 35 in the 3rd quarter and I texted my friend "We're going to blow this."

Last week I watched the Todd Blackledge segments of the Elway to Marino 30 for 30, just to emotionally prepare for this season.

I grew up in Nebraska where there's no pro team, so I could have picked any team to root for. I picked the Chiefs. They made the AFC Championship that year (yay!). It was the last year they won a playoff game. I was 7 at the time and am now 28 ****ing years old. I sent a text to two other idiot Chiefs fans when the Colts cut the lead to 38-17 last year saying 'I guarantee we piss this away', they agreed, and the next roughly hour and a half summed up our 21 years of fandom nicely.

KC traded draft picks for Herm Edwards.

I remember watching that last playoff game against the Oilers with my step-brother when I was in seventh grade. Shit, a few years ago I spent a drunken night scouring the internet to buy some bootleg DVD of the game burned from a warped VHS tape. I've spent countless drunken nights watching this grainy ****ing DVD too. It's like a divorced guy rewatching his wedding video over and over again to the point that he's lost touch with present day because he's stuck in a past that wasn't even all that great to begin with. I mean, the Beatles still hadn't released "Let it Be" the last time the Chiefs were even in the Super Bowl.

**wazu** · 08-16-2014, 08:44 AM

Devastatingly accurate.

Marcellus · 08-16-2014, 11:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dave Lane

It's nice to see Marcellus aka Williedog got his video plugged in the story.

Your crush on me is truly flattering. I swear I am blushing right now.

As soon as you finish reading Football for Dummies we should exchange numbers and have a conversation. Talk to you in about 6 months I am guessing.

08-15-2014, 10:57 AM
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $-1074120	Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Kansas City Chiefs Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Kansas City Chiefs Some people are fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Your team: Kansas City Chiefs. Your 2013 record: 11-5. No franchise in football is better at rendering a successful regular season utterly pointless than the Chiefs. Remember: this team was coming off a 2-14 season in which the GM and coach witnessed one of the players commit suicide at the team facility (I believe Roger Goodell retroactively suspended Jovan Belcher for half a game after the fact). So going 11-5 without incident sounds like a fantastic leap forward, right? Well, see … Look, if you're a Chiefs fan, you should emotionally prepare yourself before we rehash all of this: This team was up 38-10 over the Colts with just over 13 minutes to go in the third quarter. After that, a giant chasm opened up in the space-time continuum and Andrew Luck was granted Santa Claus powers. Seriously, he had FOREVER to come back. Every time five minutes ticked off the clock in that game, 10 additional minutes were added to it. And to cap it all off, everyone for the Chiefs got hurt: Jamaal Charles, Brandon Flowers, the bus driver, EVERYONE. By the time the comeback was finished, the Chiefs had nothing but Alex Smith and a bag of old onions left. Cyrus Gray could have stopped the bleeding by catching a sure touchdown, but he dropped it because that is what happens when you put the Chiefs in the playoffs. It was sad and shocking and yet somehow predictable and 100% preventable because… Your coach: Andy Reid. OH YEAH! The Chiefs passed the ball TWENTY-FIVE times in the second half in that game against the Colts. Whyyyyyyyyy??? Why would you do that? This team was averaging 4.7 yards per carry that game. Knile Davis was DESTROYING the Colts. And yet here is Andy Reid, who can never help himself, calling eight million passes and extending the game by 50 hours. Jesus. It's like the polar inverse of Martyball. Every year, fans scream at Andy Reid to run the ball more when his team is running well and he never listens. Why does he hate running the ball? Does it remind him of exercise? By the way, Jamaal Charles got a new contract this offseason. Which means it will be twice as infuriating when Andy Reid doesn't run him enough. Your quarterback: Alex Smith, who wants $17 million a year from the Chiefs because he has deemed himself ELITE. Watching Alex Smith play quarterback is like playing the penny slots: not much risk, not much reward, you're obviously the broke dude just trying to get through the rest of the night without incurring serious financial harm. Football Outsiders ranked Smith as the 20^th most effective QB in football last season, behind even Sam Bradford, who is dead. Smith threw for just over 3,000 yards and was only picked off seven times last season. You know had a better season than that for Kansas City a few years back? Matt Cassel. So yes, let's pony up ** You money for the guy whose ceiling is somewhere south of Prime Matt Cassel. I bet they extend him within the next two weeks. What's new that sucks: Dexter McCluster is gone! OH NO! Now the Chiefs are left with just six fragile, undersized hybrid backs. Left tackle Branden Albert is gone, and now #1 pick and TMQ wet dream Eric Fisher will have to protect Smith's blind side, despite being ing terrible last season. The secondary that allowed Andrew Luck to come back from 28 points down despite throwing a billion interceptions is somehow worse than a year ago. There is no one at corner. And the team failed to provide Smith with any additional weapons to throw too many short passes to. That Colts comeback wasn't even the end of last season's misery. Turns out the Chiefs now know how to concuss each other in exhibition games, so look forward to more of that. Also, they tased the one black Chiefs fan in the stands this preseason. MISSOURI. By the way, given all the shit with Ray Rice and Greg Hardy this offseason, it's amazing that the Chiefs could sever ties with Romeo Crennel and Scott Pioli and effectively render the Jovan Belcher murder/suicide all but forgotten. That all happened less than two years ago. And it happened mid-season. And only NOW is the NFL starting to talk about domestic violence and what not. The League still really doesn't talk about mental health issues with players (Belcher, Junior Seau) at all. It's just, "Welp, that happened! Let's wait for it to happen again!" Trauma doesn't just magically erase itself. What has always sucked: God, Dwayne Bowe is still here. He'll never be as good as he was in 2010. At least Josh Gordon had the courtesy to be suspended and literally be absent from games. With Bowe, you go into every Chiefs game knowing he could catch three touchdowns but will choose to draw penises on the playsheet instead. I look forward to Andy Reid scheming six fourth quarter drops for him with a two-touchdown lead on a capable opponent. All of this will be in service of a KC fanbase whose loudness is vastly overrated (the Chiefs have nine home wins in the past three years). It's the Chiefs who began the decibel-scale arms race between fans that has led to the Seahawks having the most obnoxious fanbase in the universe. So thanks for that, Kansas City. Assholes. The only way Kansas City makes anything good is by burning it. The best song about Kansas City is about the fear that someone from Kansas City is about to visit. Worst of all, Kansas City is the city that allowed Jason Whitlock to have a career. I blame hip hop. Also, someone made this: What is this? This is shit. What might not suck:** This is an Andy Reid team, so they will always be competitive. The front seven is great. Charles is a beast. Like, they'll tie the game 20-20 and then elect to punt from the opposing 35 with 10 seconds left. They will always manage to underachieve in a telegenic manner. http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...efs-1622150776
Posts: 56,883

08-15-2014, 05:55 PM	#46
Easy 6 pie is never free Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: the drivers seat Casino cash: $-192225	In all seriousness... when WAS the last time we watched a Chief get that goddamn slobbering caveman angry and animated on the sidelines about something? Its been waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long IMO, some of these guys are just too happy to be here and getting some small time Escalades... I wanna see some ANGER and some HEART from SOMEONE once in a while. Remember the pregame shot of Poe pumping up the huddle before the Indy game? Yeah me too and it SUCKED, I wanted to get behind it but on my ancestors graves it felt empty, swear on my soul it sounded weak and unsure... WHO is going to be our permanently pissed off, extremely vocal, so mad about shit he's slobbering on the sidelines leader?
Posts: 98,508

08-15-2014, 06:06 PM	#47
KChiefs1 I’m a Mahomo! Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Mid-Missouri Casino cash: $6771021	Depressing but kinda accurate. __________________
Posts: 54,038

08-15-2014, 09:37 PM	#50
Baby Lee Supporter Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $8028275	[QUOTE=Easy 6;10821445when WAS the last time we watched a Chief get that goddamn slobbering caveman angry and animated on the sidelines about something?[/QUOTE] When was the last time [b]I]/b] was that goddamn slobbering caveman angry? The Chiefs have become a predictable sitcom, poised for great success, with an Achilles heel you can see from orbit. Year after year, watch them get stabbed in the Achilles [ah-CHILL-esss, per WoF] and sigh resignedly. __________________ We need the kind of courage that can withstand the subtle corruption of the cynics - E.W.
Posts: 95,642

08-16-2014, 07:33 AM	#52
Bowser sorta mod-ish Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: KC North Casino cash: $-218384	These are always awesome. And deadly accurate, I'm afraid.
Posts: 106,889

08-16-2014, 07:47 AM	#53
Bowser sorta mod-ish Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: KC North Casino cash: $-218384	Oh shit, the comments are ****ing hilarious (and spot on)
Posts: 106,889

08-16-2014, 08:25 AM	#55
Dave Lane Space Cadet and Aczabel Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Kanab, UT, USA Casino cash: $9333275 VARSITY	It's nice to see Marcellus aka Williedog got his video plugged in the story. __________________ Thanks, Trump for the civics lesson. We are learning so much about RICO, espionage, sedition, impeachment, the 25th Amendment, order of succession, nepotism, separation of powers, 1st Amendment, obstruction of justice, the emoluments clause, conflicts of interest, collusion, sanctions, oligarchs, money laundering and so much more.
Posts: 40,584

08-16-2014, 08:44 AM	#59
wazu ... Join Date: May 2002 Location: Kansas City, MO Casino cash: $-1707705 VARSITY	Devastatingly accurate.
Posts: 30,875