Ask Iowanian. Pt II, the Keyboard of Doom

[Iowanian]

If you've got a problem, yo Ahll Solve it, check out my hooks, while DJ revolves it..tss tss ts tss tst

If Dr Laura, Dr Phil or Ann Landers couldn't help you.....Serve it up.


Its the offseason, the board needs something other than politics. This thread, and the answers will go where you take it. A serious Question....I'll try to help, and or rely on others......A not serious question....You'll get what you ask for.


disclaimer: Iowanian is not a licensed Doctor, Psychologist or anything else. No responsibility shall be taken by advisors on any issue within the thread. The answer "I have no #@%&* idea " is valid and acceptable for these purposes. If the thread sucks, it shall fade into planet oblivion.

[Iowanian]

Originally Posted by Phobia

I am currently experiencing an intense pressure in my rectal area. I feel as though I am ready to explode. But, I'm out of toilet paper. What should I do?

Without more information as to your current situation, this is a difficult problem to solve. I'll do my best to cover both common problems in Houston.

1. You may begin to feel relief from the problem, by having the man behind you remove the firm object from the area. While I don't know from personal experience, it would make sense that this might cause your discomfort.


2. The more common cause is obvious. I have some sollutions to alleviate your pain. In Iowania, if one is foolish enough to go to the field without the standard issue ESK(emergency shit kit) in the truck or preferably tractor...One can often find himself in a similar situation as yours.

There are many possibilities to solve your dilema. First, I'd scan the area/truck/tractor/construction site for napkins that may have been left from previous lunches. The next would be to locate other paper products...Paper grocery bags could be effective, the backing of fiberglass insulation is also a possibility. In a real pickle, Iowanian has been known to cut or tear the bottom half of the front of his teeshirt off and use that.

I'd say your sollution, as painful as it may be, is to tear off the required about of the WHAM! concert tee that you're so fond of. this time of year, in your line of work, you should be sporting a standard Plad Flannel shirt to cover you anyway.

The other option is to use the ARAB Method.....and just shake and eat with your right hand for the rest of the day.

[Iowanian]

Originally Posted by Talisman

Doc,

I have an extra $50 lying around from that kidney I sold and was wondering what video game I should purchase. You seem to have some knowledge in this area. Are there any must-have games out right now that you would recommend I pick up?

Jonesing for Games

Iowanian is not a video gaming expert, but Has recently purchased a couple of games for PSII. I found Madden04 to be satisfying, but it seems to have worn off its usefullness at this time. I've also purchased MOH, Allied assault, and MOH Rising Sun. While Both had great graffics, I conquered rising sun pretty quickly. Most recently, I purchased NCAA football 04 and am working on my 3rd season.

If I were you, I'd save some of that money and give Iowanian $35 for Rising Sun.

[Iowanian]

Originally Posted by Mark M

Dear Dr. Iowanian ...

The Mrs. and I are expecting our first child in August. I know I am the father (DNA test) and a sonogram convinced us that we're having a boy (either that, or the kid is holding a baseball bat).

The problem is that we can't agree on a name. I like Joshua, she likes Ayden. What should we name him?

Sincerely,

Nameless in North KC

Ayden is a trendy name because of that chic show on HBO that shows just enough T&A for a man to allow it viewed in his home. While many may not aggree, I personally believe that a boy should be given a strong name. I'm not a big fan of the "fad names" and prefer more traditional names. I'm also a believer in spelling the name the way it should be instead of getting all Clever. The kid has to spell that when he's 5. There will be 3 other Aydens in his class, spelled 3 different ways.

Given the Choice of those 2, I think my choice is obvious.


At least its not Schkylar.



disclaimer: Should Mrs M so choose to go with Ayden, prooving she indeed wears the pants in the household, iowanian will deny any posts relating to the issue and inform Markand MrsM that Ayden is an excellent selection....to their face.

[Bob Dole]

Originally Posted by ENDelt260

Dear Dr. I,

A really annoying female keeps calling me. I'm not sure how many times she called last night, but judging from the length of the messages, and the timestamps on them, I think she was calling, bitching at my voicemail for a few minutes, hanging up, then immediately calling back to leave the next bitchy message.

My question is, how can I make this reeruned bitch forget my phone number? To go even further, is it possible to make her forget she's ever met me? This is really quite irritating. Plus, it's difficult to get laid at the bar when the whole night some girl is standing next to you bitching at you.

Bob Dole can't help it...the openings you offer are staggering...

"...make this reeruned bitch forget my phone number?"

Evidently she's not as reeruned as your usual "conquests."

"...make her forget she's ever met me?"

Why not use the same method you've used on every other living person?

"Plus, it's difficult to get laid at the bar when..."

Keep telling yourself that's the reason, Stuart Smalley.

[Iowanian]

Originally Posted by ENDelt260

Dear Dr. I,

A really annoying female keeps calling me. I'm not sure how many times she called last night, but judging from the length of the messages, and the timestamps on them, I think she was calling, bitching at my voicemail for a few minutes, hanging up, then immediately calling back to leave the next bitchy message.

My question is, how can I make this reeruned bitch forget my phone number? To go even further, is it possible to make her forget she's ever met me? This is really quite irritating. Plus, it's difficult to get laid at the bar when the whole night some girl is standing next to you bitching at you.

This is a common problem. I believe its caused by kissing them too good when you allow them to come around the first time. Its is double edged sword.

You should start by having your cell phone company block her number from your phone. You CAN make her forget she's ever met you, but it will take some sacrifice on your part. It involves you going home with her again(its important that it is her house)...and is followed by a well placed donkeypunch. Others may disapprove of that method, but it would be effective.

The other tactic I'd recommend is to kill her with kindness....Not the sincere kindness....the annoyingly, antagonistic kindness. In your best Eddie Haskell, in front of others(next time she approaches you in public) inform her that while you enjoyed your time with her initially, it just isn't going to work, and that you hope she finds someone that deserves her.

This should be followed up with a well placed rumor with a loudmouth. It should involve things like her poor personal hygiene, a curable STD, incorrect dosage of her mental health medication. If she continues....Its important that you bed her sister,best friend, or arch rival.

[Talisman]

Originally Posted by ENDelt260

My question is, how can I make this reeruned bitch forget my phone number? To go even further, is it possible to make her forget she's ever met me?

You could use one of these:



Just don't forget to put your sunglasses on first.

[Bob Dole]

Originally Posted by ENDelt260

The least you could do is offer some advice along with your insults, asshole.

Not Bob Dole's job.

That would be why it's called "Ask Iowanian" instead of "Ask Bob Dole."

[siberian khatru]

Originally Posted by ENDelt260

Dear Dr. I,

A really annoying female keeps calling me. I'm not sure how many times she called last night, but judging from the length of the messages, and the timestamps on them, I think she was calling, bitching at my voicemail for a few minutes, hanging up, then immediately calling back to leave the next bitchy message.

My question is, how can I make this reeruned bitch forget my phone number? To go even further, is it possible to make her forget she's ever met me? This is really quite irritating. Plus, it's difficult to get laid at the bar when the whole night some girl is standing next to you bitching at you.

Another dissatisfied customer.

If you don't shape up, the Consumer Products Safety Commission is going to recall that defective dick of yours.

[siberian khatru]

Originally Posted by ENDelt260

I don't know why, but "defective dick" made me laugh out loud.

It's the allliteration -- a cheap tool used by us scribes. (Michael Michigan can tell you more about it.)

[Bob Dole]

Originally Posted by ENDelt260

I especially appreciate that Dr. Iowanian's solution involved a donkey punch. That's the hallmark of good advice.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/downl...nkey+punch.wav

[Iowanian]

Originally Posted by siberian khatru

Another dissatisfied customer.

If you don't shape up, the Consumer Products Safety Commission is going to recall that defective dick of yours.

This knowledge must come due to years of experience with your personal "affliction" discussed above? Get your recall notice last week?

[Baby Lee]

Originally Posted by ENDelt260

When I saw that link, I thought, "Urban Dictionary? I gotta check that out." And I found this gem. http://www.urbandictionary.com/downl.../milkshake.wav

Warm it up!

[SoCalRaider]

Originally Posted by Talisman

Originally Posted by Talisman
Dr I,

Sally is now twice Susan's age. In five years, Susan will be two years younger than Sally is now. Five years ago, Susan was seven years younger than Sally was. How old are they now?

Mathematically Challenged

Originally Posted by Iowanian

Susan is 14 and Sally is 7.

Sally is 14, Susan is 7 (just read the first sentence)

...Can't believe the great Dr. got worked by a second grade arithmetic problem...

[ExtremeChief]

Dr. Iowanian,

I have a "friend" who lives in Houston. Being that far away was comforting since I knew he couldn't just drive up to my house on a whim. I have recently learned, however, that he is moving to KC which is only a 2 hour drive from my house. I kind of like living here, is moving my only option???

[Logical]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

As a wise man once said(and was suggested by Endelt). "spare the rod and spoil the broad"(hey! now there is a Iowani-copywrighted slogan to end posts with?.!"

You simply inform them that there are no Legos in Football. That isn't Jabba the Hutt on the Big Screen.....Its Ted Washington. If Taliswife hasn't invited them yet, you firmly say no, and offer to ease her discomfort with a naked halftime show. If she already has gone against the Kings wishes....Simply tell them the party was cancelled due to a new strain of that flu that is so prevelent in DesMoines. Nodouchabaggawatchafootball inmyhouseisitis Can be very very contagious.

If you allow this, the germ will fester. Next week, they'll be over to watch the American Idol marathon, and Taliwife will be replacing your Lifesize KC Helmet on the Mantle with some type of dried flowers.

Stop this now, or you'll soon find yourself painting their friggin house on the next episode of Trading Spaces.


Spare the Rod and Spoil the Broad

So Iowanian, now that you have no more plans for the Super Bowl, I have been asked to tell you a certain poster outside Dallas would like you to go his Super Bowl party. He only asks that you not bring Brideowanian.

Will you be going?