Life FAX And The Lonely Australian Girl - Page 5

FAX · 04-14-2010, 11:27 PM

At 1:00 pm, this upcoming Sunday, I am attending a gathering of the beautiful and witty Mrs. FAX's entire family. In and of itself, this is not particularly unusual. It is a close family and we get together fairly often for dinners and lunches and the occasional weekend crazy blowout featuring water skiing, martinis, and live bluegrass music. However, the reason for this weekend's event is somewhat unusual.

One of my brothers-in-law has been communicating via the internet thing with a girl from Australia. Apparently, they have texted or whatever they have done with each other and exchanged photographs. Now, this girl is flying to the United States of America in order to spend "time" with the brother-in-law and he is throwing a party for the purpose of introducing this person to his family.

I need some help. First off, I don't know a whole heck of a lot about Australia. I googled up some stuff then brushed my teeth and did an internet search. What I found is that it is a country on the other side of the Earth with kangaroos and strange indigenous persons who (in antiquity) used long spears to kill lizards and protect their cave paintings from aliens.

Second off, this party has every potential to be extremely awkward and I am taking it upon myself to do whatever is necessary (within reason, of course) to make this Australian person feel comfortable so that her relationship with my brother-in-law will flourish. Or, failing that, at least avoid the possibility that she run screaming into the streets.

Any ideas as to how to best impress a girl from Australia who has flown thousands of miles in pursuit of love? All contributions would be appreciated.

FAX THE SOMEWHAT CONCERNED

Disclaimers: Sorry if repost.

acesn8s · 04-15-2010, 06:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Otter

Well, I'll share what I know about Australian customs and quirks:

* Tipping is rare and often considered an insult
* Very quick to drop formalities such as "sir" and "mam". Men call other men "mate" as do women address other "women". Opposite sex is by first name
* Being invited to someones house means bringing a gift
* Very talkative, enjoy a good argument
* Do not mix work and play often; golf is golf, not a slightly more relaxing way to discuss business. Save it for the office.

They have opposite seasons than America so maybe you work in something clever on that angle or find out what she always liked about the once good ol' USA and provide her with a related experience.

Perhaps you could talk about how our two countries broke away from British rule and start poking fun at the Brits and the funny way they speak...oh wait.

Ask her why everthing is weird down there. Toilets drain backwards, football is played funny, they talk funny, the seasons are backwards, their beer taste funny, I would really like to know if up is down in the land down under. This could become useful info for your bro. Is he supposed to go down on her or go up on her? Take her to Outback steakhouse and ask her if that is really how they cook their food.

FAX · 04-15-2010, 06:52 AM

Top of the morn, ye mateys!

I can't thank you guys enough for all the advice ... well, actually I think I already have thanked you enough. But, the Fosters clue is absolutely invaluable allowing me to avoid an horrific pho paw (who knew that phos had paws? I always thought they had little hands like raccoons.) and a chill in bi-lateral relations.

The serial killer genes thing has me a little concerned, though. Still, America probably has more evil killer bastards and bastettes per capita than any other country so I should be used to that at this point. I think the main thing right now is to come up with some kind of traditional Welcome To America Dance that the family can do. Like some sort of Jewish circle dance or something where you smash a cup with your feet and try to kick the person across from you in the knee with your boot. Every family needs a traditional Welcome To America Dance and it's high time this family had one, anyhow. Meanwhile, thanks again for all the advice. G'day.

FAX

**Bwana** · 04-15-2010, 06:58 AM

Mr Fax: From what I have seen on Discovery, they have more nasty ass poisonous snakes and with killer spiders that can wipe you off the face of the earth, than any place on planet. Toss in the fact that there are a larger number of great white sharks and numerous other varieties of ocean vermin that can and will eat you and Australia is a shaky place. Hell, lets not even go into the number of croc's. It would seem Mr. Fax, that one is not safe on the land, or at sea over there. I would start out the conversation by simply congratulating her for being alive.

**Bwana** · 04-15-2010, 07:01 AM

Oh, one other thing. Most of them can't stand Paul Hogan. They kind of think of him the way most of us think about Rosie O'Donnell around here.

NewChief · 04-15-2010, 07:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bwana

Oh, one other thing. Most of them can't stand Paul Hogan. They kind of think of him the way most of us think about Rosie O'Donnell around here.

In that vein... most of them also dislike Steve Irwin and consider him a "wanker." At least they did when he was alive.

**Bwana** · 04-15-2010, 07:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewPhin

In that vein... most of them also dislike Steve Irwin and consider him a "wanker." At least they did when he was alive.

A wanker indeed.

tooge · 04-15-2010, 07:06 AM

show her how well endowed you are and tell her it runs in the family.

booger · 04-15-2010, 07:10 AM

I suppose when it comes to food i would try to include some stuff you like that she hasn't tried. If it was me i would try to have some fresh caught walleye, northern pike(if you can fillet the Y bones out), yellow perch. Those are all a pearl white fillet and the most tasty IMO. When i think of a changeup for red meat i always like to try some Elk or Bison. I'm pretty simple with the veggies with peas carrots broc and coliflower. But a good changeup is asparagus. There's always the story behind that is one of the things midwesterners do is drink beer and drive the country side and pick wild asparagus.

I think of the taste test line up when it comes to beer might be an idea. The high ball glasses lined up starting with the light shade of clydesdale piss all the way to the dark shade of old motor oil. Instead maybe line up a bunch of samples of your favorite brews that are available in your area. Also have a bucket handy and tell her she doesn't have to guzzle it all down. It is not considered dis respectful to spit in the bucket after she has tasted it. Tell her it is a long tradition of whoever gets the most out of line and is the biggest jackass gets to drink the bucket in front of everyone at the gathering. When you decide to let her in on the joke and put the bucket back in the shed is up to you.

How about some AC/DC bluesgrass covers?

It seems all most all women love horses if you have any around. I don't know much i would attempt to talk of except the Darren Bennett aussie rugby players who came to the US and NFL to be punters. The Pats just signed one yesterday i believe. There's always the croc hunter Steve Irwin and the animal planet. That is probably as lame as Paul Hogan and Fosters though.

Like fritz said makes the most sense to me just comparring different things about her lifestile and you and yours. All pretty basic stuff and maybe some won't work or be a good idea butt maybe one of these will give you an idea you hadn't thought of. Good luck, sounds like it will be a good time.

booger · 04-15-2010, 07:14 AM

the blokes on some of the online poker sites sure don't like hogan. I'd say more than half of what i have seen anyway do like the croc hunter though. Said when he died his dad doesn't want nothing to do with his son's wife and grandkids.

Also instead of blurting out shit or gdammit just say crikey a bunch. Cheeky is naughty. If she gets frisky and rowdy just call her a Cheeky Sheila. They like that.

**mlyonsd** · 04-15-2010, 07:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fire Me Boy!

Mr. FAX, not to fan the flames of your concern, but I just wanted to remind you that Australia was once a prison colony. I sincerely hope she's not a serial killer. And going along with the probability that she herself is not a serial killer, you must consider that she comes from serial killer genes, and perhaps her serial killer grandfather and serial killer grandmother met in Australia. That's a whole lot of serial killer genes. And I don't know a lot about serial killer genes, but what if they're dormant until something wakes them up? So this beautiful, lonely Australian girl is normal one second, getting ready for work in the morning and there's no milk for her cereal, and she kills her husband (your brother-in-law), their 2.3 children, the family dog, the cat next door, and then goes looking for the nice guy at that party the first time she came to America?

Just my two cents, bud.

This is what I'd be concerned with.

Get everyone in one room, off all of you, steal your wallets, then drink the Fosters while laughing hysterically at your corpses. Yup. Maybe we should start a prayers for Fax sticky.

**Bwana** · 04-15-2010, 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mlyonsd

This is what I'd be concerned with.

Get everyone in one room, off all of you, steal your wallets, then drink the Fosters while laughing hysterically at your corpses. Yup. Maybe we should start a prayers for Fax sticky.

Dayze · 04-15-2010, 07:28 AM

tell her not to freak out that our toilet water flows in the opposite direction.

shitgoose · 04-15-2010, 07:32 AM

FAX- Do you know if this is her first trip to the States?

booger · 04-15-2010, 07:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dayze

tell her not to freak out that our toilet water flows in the opposite direction.

and that the dog drinks the water from there once in a while so don't be shocked if she sees that. However, the brother in law also waters from the toilet on occasion after drinking too much and if that happens tell her you will handle it Fax.

Fairplay · 04-15-2010, 07:33 AM

If i recall the English dumped off a lot of their prisoners on Australia just to get rid of them.

Maybe i dreamed that or perhaps it was a fantasy of mine, or i thought that whilst i played RISK.

04-14-2010, 11:27 PM
FAX testing ... 1, 2, 3 Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Tennessee Casino cash: $6753759	FAX And The Lonely Australian Girl At 1:00 pm, this upcoming Sunday, I am attending a gathering of the beautiful and witty Mrs. FAX's entire family. In and of itself, this is not particularly unusual. It is a close family and we get together fairly often for dinners and lunches and the occasional weekend crazy blowout featuring water skiing, martinis, and live bluegrass music. However, the reason for this weekend's event is somewhat unusual. One of my brothers-in-law has been communicating via the internet thing with a girl from Australia. Apparently, they have texted or whatever they have done with each other and exchanged photographs. Now, this girl is flying to the United States of America in order to spend "time" with the brother-in-law and he is throwing a party for the purpose of introducing this person to his family. I need some help. First off, I don't know a whole heck of a lot about Australia. I googled up some stuff then brushed my teeth and did an internet search. What I found is that it is a country on the other side of the Earth with kangaroos and strange indigenous persons who (in antiquity) used long spears to kill lizards and protect their cave paintings from aliens. Second off, this party has every potential to be extremely awkward and I am taking it upon myself to do whatever is necessary (within reason, of course) to make this Australian person feel comfortable so that her relationship with my brother-in-law will flourish. Or, failing that, at least avoid the possibility that she run screaming into the streets. Any ideas as to how to best impress a girl from Australia who has flown thousands of miles in pursuit of love? All contributions would be appreciated. FAX THE SOMEWHAT CONCERNED Disclaimers: Sorry if repost.
Posts: 44,492

04-15-2010, 06:52 AM	#62
FAX testing ... 1, 2, 3 Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Tennessee Casino cash: $6753759	Top of the morn, ye mateys! I can't thank you guys enough for all the advice ... well, actually I think I already have thanked you enough. But, the Fosters clue is absolutely invaluable allowing me to avoid an horrific pho paw (who knew that phos had paws? I always thought they had little hands like raccoons.) and a chill in bi-lateral relations. The serial killer genes thing has me a little concerned, though. Still, America probably has more evil killer bastards and bastettes per capita than any other country so I should be used to that at this point. I think the main thing right now is to come up with some kind of traditional Welcome To America Dance that the family can do. Like some sort of Jewish circle dance or something where you smash a cup with your feet and try to kick the person across from you in the knee with your boot. Every family needs a traditional Welcome To America Dance and it's high time this family had one, anyhow. Meanwhile, thanks again for all the advice. G'day. FAX
Posts: 44,492

04-15-2010, 06:58 AM	#63
Bwana It's Five O'Clock Somewhere Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Billings, Montana Casino cash: $2138113647	Mr Fax: From what I have seen on Discovery, they have more nasty ass poisonous snakes and with killer spiders that can wipe you off the face of the earth, than any place on planet. Toss in the fact that there are a larger number of great white sharks and numerous other varieties of ocean vermin that can and will eat you and Australia is a shaky place. Hell, lets not even go into the number of croc's. It would seem Mr. Fax, that one is not safe on the land, or at sea over there. I would start out the conversation by simply congratulating her for being alive. __________________ Adventure is dangerous....but monotony can kill you.
Posts: 70,000

04-15-2010, 07:01 AM	#64
Bwana It's Five O'Clock Somewhere Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Billings, Montana Casino cash: $2138113647	Oh, one other thing. Most of them can't stand Paul Hogan. They kind of think of him the way most of us think about Rosie O'Donnell around here. __________________ Adventure is dangerous....but monotony can kill you.
Posts: 70,000

04-15-2010, 07:06 AM	#67
tooge MVP Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Liberty, MO Casino cash: $2614112	show her how well endowed you are and tell her it runs in the family.
Posts: 16,047

04-15-2010, 07:10 AM	#68
booger Don't Tug on Superman's Cape Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: clear out in the sticks Casino cash: $-1450	I suppose when it comes to food i would try to include some stuff you like that she hasn't tried. If it was me i would try to have some fresh caught walleye, northern pike(if you can fillet the Y bones out), yellow perch. Those are all a pearl white fillet and the most tasty IMO. When i think of a changeup for red meat i always like to try some Elk or Bison. I'm pretty simple with the veggies with peas carrots broc and coliflower. But a good changeup is asparagus. There's always the story behind that is one of the things midwesterners do is drink beer and drive the country side and pick wild asparagus. I think of the taste test line up when it comes to beer might be an idea. The high ball glasses lined up starting with the light shade of clydesdale piss all the way to the dark shade of old motor oil. Instead maybe line up a bunch of samples of your favorite brews that are available in your area. Also have a bucket handy and tell her she doesn't have to guzzle it all down. It is not considered dis respectful to spit in the bucket after she has tasted it. Tell her it is a long tradition of whoever gets the most out of line and is the biggest jackass gets to drink the bucket in front of everyone at the gathering. When you decide to let her in on the joke and put the bucket back in the shed is up to you. How about some AC/DC bluesgrass covers? It seems all most all women love horses if you have any around. I don't know much i would attempt to talk of except the Darren Bennett aussie rugby players who came to the US and NFL to be punters. The Pats just signed one yesterday i believe. There's always the croc hunter Steve Irwin and the animal planet. That is probably as lame as Paul Hogan and Fosters though. Like fritz said makes the most sense to me just comparring different things about her lifestile and you and yours. All pretty basic stuff and maybe some won't work or be a good idea butt maybe one of these will give you an idea you hadn't thought of. Good luck, sounds like it will be a good time. __________________ 2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
Posts: 12,634

04-15-2010, 07:14 AM	#69
booger Don't Tug on Superman's Cape Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: clear out in the sticks Casino cash: $-1450	the blokes on some of the online poker sites sure don't like hogan. I'd say more than half of what i have seen anyway do like the croc hunter though. Said when he died his dad doesn't want nothing to do with his son's wife and grandkids. Also instead of blurting out shit or gdammit just say crikey a bunch. Cheeky is naughty. If she gets frisky and rowdy just call her a Cheeky Sheila. They like that. __________________ 2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
Posts: 12,634

04-15-2010, 07:28 AM	#72
Dayze Resident Glue Sniffer Join Date: Nov 2003 Casino cash: $3849358	tell her not to freak out that our toilet water flows in the opposite direction. __________________ Life is 99% inspiration, 1% Perspiration, and 1% Attention to Detial. RIP & Godspeed: Saccoppo Lonewolf Ed Fire Me Boy
Posts: 37,397

04-15-2010, 07:32 AM	#73
shitgoose Veteran Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Wichita Casino cash: $4142833	FAX- Do you know if this is her first trip to the States? __________________
Posts: 1,640

04-15-2010, 07:33 AM	#75
Fairplay A certain set of skills Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: texas Casino cash: $10026683 VARSITY	If i recall the English dumped off a lot of their prisoners on Australia just to get rid of them. Maybe i dreamed that or perhaps it was a fantasy of mine, or i thought that whilst i played RISK.
Posts: 25,265