Gladiator 2018 - Round 1, Match 20 - Sofa King versus Iowanian

[Rain Man]

Vote for the person that you think would win this match in a battle to death or submission. As background, assume that prior to the tournament you received 10 minutes of training on every weapon. The time listed is the amount of time before the match where you learn what the weaponry and venue is. All participants are handed their weapons at t=0 unless stated otherwise.

Venue - Contestant 2 is at the top of an upward-moving escalator and Contestant 1 is at the bottom. The escalator is the only space in the venue.
Starting Distance - 54 feet

Sofa King

Main Weapon - Samurai sword
Backup Weapon - Taser (the touch kind, not the shooting kind) and steak knife

Prep Time - 22 seconds
Special Factors - None

Iowanian

Main Weapon - 2 boomerangs, one heavy and one bladed, and a handful of salt
Backup Weapon - BB gun with 50 BBs, each of which is coated with enough poison to slow a person down by 4 percentage points

Prep Time - 5 Minutes

[Sofa King]

Originally Posted by Pestilence

He'll shoot him with his BB gun! Then he'll throw salt in his eyes! Then he'll chop off his head with a boomerang!

Does Iowanian have 8 arms to do all this shit? They're moving closer to each other....he doesn't have time for all of that switching around. Sofa just has to charge with a sword. Boom....over.

Common sense!

[Iowanian]

Fake news.

I was going to feel a little bad about opening you up like a tauntaun but now...might save the salt for the wound.

[ptlyon]

I'm seeing a trend that there is not much action in these battles

[ThaVirus]

Originally Posted by ptlyon

I'm seeing a trend that there is not much action in these battles

You ever seen a fist fight? The vast majority of people can't fight for shit.

Now we're giving average Joes lethal weapons and saying fight to the death lol honestly, half of these combatants would be more of a danger to themselves than their opponent

[ThaVirus]

A ****ing samurai sword? Sounds good. Except he's being shot at while attempting to run upstairs.

Realistically, run this simulation ten times, Sofa kills himself at least twice by slipping and becoming a kebab.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by ThaVirus

A ****ing samurai sword? Sounds good. Except he's being shot at while attempting to run upstairs.

Realistically, run this simulation ten times, Sofa kills himself at least twice by slipping and becoming a kebab.

Depending on his confidence, he could be riding up in an orderly fashion with his non-weapon hand holding the rail.

[Iowanian]

In this exercise I can't help but visualize rainman as the guy on the hunger games with the skunk stripe hair.

[Pasta Little Brioni]

He also has the Keyboard of Doom at his disposal

[burt]

One simply doesn't vanquish Iowanian. Sacrilege!!!

[ModSocks]

Is it a Hattori Hanzo sword?

Because that matters here. Iowa has put forth a strong argument here. I didn't even consider that he can use the boomerangs like a tomahawk. And a Last of the Mohicans clip? That's a pretty strong visual reference.

And Iowa is apparently trained by Chuck Norris. I'm going to need more info, Sofa, before i cast my vote

[Sofa King]

Originally Posted by Detoxing

Is it a Hattori Hanzo sword?

Because that matters here. Iowa has put forth a strong argument here. I didn't even consider that he can use the boomerangs like a tomahawk. And a Last of the Mohicans clip? That's a pretty strong visual reference.

And Iowa is apparently trained by Chuck Norris. I'm going to need more info, Sofa, before i cast my vote

Simply put, a samurai sword will cut through two shitty boomerangs like butter, and my range is much superior.

[burt]

Originally Posted by Sofa King

Simply put, a samurai sword will cut through two shitty boomerangs like butter, and my range is much superior.

One simply doesn't vanquish Iowanian. Sacrilege!!!

[Valiant]

Iowa should win, his secondary is too powerful with the slow and fifty shots. Say he lands 3 or 4 in the first exchange up the escalator. That slows him down by 12-16%. He can go off the escalator or back down. Being 10 percent slower alone is enough to evade blade attack. If attacked with taser then he would not have to run. Use the gun as a spear or use the bladed boomerang to slash the taser hand.

If he evades once he can add on some more shots to him, each time able to deal more as sofa is slower. Should get him to 35-40% slower. With that should be lethal. If he evades once more for fun the guy is a statue and game over.

[Simply Red]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

Sorry I could t respond earlier, I was at boomerang class with chuck Norris

Simple simon..I wrestled 14 years too.....in the big leagues....Iowa. I wrestled terry ficking brands in freestyle when I was a sophomore. You wrestled fat reservation squaws....



I know at first glance you all think I'm a dead man....but know if I go I'll have one of sofas ears in my head as it bounces down the escalator(which reminds me of the story where I knocked a stack of plastic totes full of conference supplies down an escalator in front of 200 people).....


My weapons aren't ideal....you don't have to throw a boomerang.....I'm seeing two curved tomahawks. You've seen the Ghost in The Patriot?

Well....that's not my plan......I'm using more of a braveheart method vs charging Calvary. I don't have long poles to stab this donkey faced snow Mexican....so I'm charging and when he goes to swing high, I'm doing an up-down.......as I hit the ground while he swings over the top the escalator moves me past.....as he tries to turn I'm popping back up and swinging for the brain in the back of his head.


If he's too ninja like the guy with the Judy chops and chew cans on Jerry springer, I hope the goo from my body being splattered infects him with my mojo and gives him my lions roar in the next round.


If I win, I'm taking his credit card and doing some shopping before it gets shut off.

You've done a great job promoting yourself - I think I should have done better in that regard, then I'd most likely still be alive and kickin'

[Rain Man]

Sofa King kills Iowanian. But then Iowanian gets back up. So Sofa King kills him again. Repeat three more times. Eventually the referee calls it a TKO. Sofa King moves on to the second round.