|
10-26-2021, 01:56 PM | #91 |
Supporter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Who knows?
Casino cash: $2555884
|
I have no answers, thanks for posting in case some others get in this situation.
I do remember this from Educational Psychology class which I've used on students and my own kids countless times: You reinforce the actions that you acknowledge. Some kids just want attention whether it's bad or good. So far he has gotten attention because he's being a douche. Take the initiative and compliment him on something. Don't be patronizing, pick something and be honest. You'd be amazed at what barriers will start breaking down. |
Posts: 83,628
|
1 0 |
10-26-2021, 01:59 PM | #92 |
Supporter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Who knows?
Casino cash: $2555884
|
I would listen to Tox. Reading his input on stuff like this over the years has changed my outlook in many areas.
Dude has been through some shit, and has great insight. |
Posts: 83,628
|
10-26-2021, 02:06 PM | #93 | |
Needs more middle fingers
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: San Diego
Casino cash: $4014563
|
Quote:
He's gonna be a problem no matter what you do. And i'd bet he's gonna be a problem well into his 30's. Make the decision that's best for you and your ol' lady's piece of mind, but understand that it's not over and will never be over.
__________________
Life is like a dick. Sometimes it gets hard for no reason, but it can't stay hard forever. |
|
Posts: 64,595
|
9 0 |
10-26-2021, 02:09 PM | #94 |
NFL's #1 Ermines Fan
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: My house
Casino cash: $2948491
VARSITY
|
Oh, good. I'm glad you were there to guide him as a cautionary tale.
__________________
I'm putting random letters here as a celebration of free speech: xigrakgrah misorojeq rkemeseit. |
Posts: 141,719
|
2 0 |
10-26-2021, 02:10 PM | #95 | |
Bono & Grbac wasn't enough
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Sioux City, IA
Casino cash: $12733829
|
Quote:
Damn.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Advertise here: $19.99 a month |
|
Posts: 34,024
|
10-26-2021, 02:14 PM | #96 |
Kind of a mod
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Donkey Land
Casino cash: $1656899
|
I'm not a parent and have no interest in playing one on TV. However, my view is that you probably shouldn't go straight to changing the locks on the doors but instead lay down the law on the criteria for being allowed to stay. Make the rules strict and concrete. Then, when he eventually breaks those rules, you can at least fall back on that as the reasons for doing it.
If you do it without warning, it will be seen as arbitrary. If there are rules and he breaks them, that's on him (though I fully understand he won't see it that way). |
Posts: 51,983
|
3 0 |
10-26-2021, 02:16 PM | #97 | |
Sauntering Vaguely Downwards
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbia, Mo
Casino cash: $2639099
|
Quote:
And even at that, it took about 10-12 years of trial/error and stops and starts. By her early 30s she'd finally rounded into form with a steady job and a couple of kids (has lived with her boyfriend for a decade or so; took her back and adopted her son after she cheated on him with...{sigh}...a drummer...as a waitress...jesus, be more of a cliche). Someone mentioned previously that there's no an easy answer and that whatever path you (edit: now speaking to Mecca after remembering after I posted that I quoted Detox) choose, it's probably going to be a loooooooong road. Even if you try to cut him out altogether, you probably can't. And once it gets this far gone, it's just a real hard ship to turn. Unfortunately your runway there is always shorter than you realize. I can be a little hard on my kids on occasion and have insisted on the 'respect your elders' thing since they were 2 but that's because my step-sister was a bitchy little twat by the time she was 5. Her being a disaster was a foregone conclusion before she got to elementary school. And you hear stories all the time about good kids who just meet the wrong person and within 6 months all hell breaks loose. Those can be easier to deal with than the long, slow slides. But they can also go to hell a bit more catastrophically. At the very least, it doesn't seem like your step-son presents a danger to himself or others. My kids are too young for any great insights here other than my boy is a temperamental shit and I learned with him that I have to talk to him. Direct action or obvious irritation just has him going over top of me. When he gets loud, I get quiet. If he gets more spun up, I get more monotone and measured in my delivery. If he gets more rambly, I get more succinct. And eventually we try to circle around into a conversation of some sort. He's nothing like the 2 girls and requires a far different approach to get through to him. It's possible that some of the suggestions made above will be useful - measured, deliberate, cool-headed responses and attempts to re-direct energy towards solutions. The problem you face is that if your wife is at her wits end, you may struggle to get any momentum with her (and if she's not going to re-engage, you're drawing dead anyway, IMO).
__________________
"If there's a god, he's laughing at us.....and our football team..." "When you look at something through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." |
|
Posts: 60,822
|
1 0 |
10-26-2021, 02:27 PM | #98 |
Forever Royal
Join Date: Mar 2012
Casino cash: $1601300
|
If he doesn’t believe or see his responsibility or role in how things are going for him, then doing something drastic like kicking him out will only reinforce what he already believes, that you just don’t support him, care about him, love him, etc.
I think you also have to ask is he actually unhappy with things. Is he distressed about no job or school or anything? Does he care about those things as motivators at all? Some people are just more comfortable with chaos and seek it out and create it. It allows for ambiguity, avoidance of personal internal issues, and so much more. I’m guessing you aren’t sure how to motivate him, and it’s entirely likely he doesn’t even know. It’s hard to even express how many factors could be at play here. |
Posts: 24,159
|
1 0 |
10-26-2021, 02:28 PM | #99 | |
GDT white noise poster
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Chonson County
Casino cash: $4208230
|
Quote:
you mentioned your wife talked to her therapist? have you considered sitting down with the therapist with your wife and discussion a plan? not even a plan to kick the kid out, just a plan to like set boundaries and things you are willing to help with and things you are not and how to enforce those boundaries? it's pretty clear you and your wife love the kid but it's important that you maintain yourself and not get lost in your kid's problem if that makes sense. I'm not saying cut all ties and tell him to **** off, but this situation doesn't sound healthy and it doesn't sound like there's an easy fix. sorry for all the unsolicited advice |
|
Posts: 5,333
|
10-26-2021, 02:31 PM | #100 | |
When pigs fly
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Kansas
Casino cash: $8984785
|
Quote:
I see a lot of similarities, and sadly when you have external forces feeding the beast (her parents actually try to cover for the girl), it just snowballs downhill. The girl is now 30. Had her own kid around age 19, and still doesn't really have a job or anything to her name. My inlaws have some rental properties, so they let the mooch live in that rent free. She's as lazy as it gets, down to poor personal hygiene. She's wrecked about every car that was given to her, and takes advantage of every situation she can. She will literally put in three units of effort for a grift, when she could instead put in two units of effort for something honest. But thats just who she is, and it sounds a lot like your problem. I have no fix-it story, because that safety net has always been in place for her and she knows it, and enough time has gone by that I think she's a lost cause honestly. Someday when my in-laws either have nothing left to give, or they pass on, and her free ride is completely over, I have no idea what she's going to do. She has zero chance of standing on her own two feet. All I can say is, if your relationship is strong with your wife, support her and stand your ground with him if she does boot him. And if she doesn't, make sure you have a good safe to lock up your valuables and start to cut the cord where you can. |
|
Posts: 3,322
|
10-26-2021, 02:32 PM | #101 |
Rufus Dawes Jr.
Join Date: Aug 2000
Casino cash: $1308179
|
Mecca - sorry to hear about your troubles, but I appreciate this thread.
My son is 7, good kid, but this is my greatest fear in life. |
Posts: 17,390
|
1 0 |
10-26-2021, 02:39 PM | #102 |
The man you could post like.
Join Date: Oct 2010
Casino cash: $2089655
|
Just make sure if he delivers pizza for a living you provide him a knee brace.
|
Posts: 38,104
|
4 0 |
10-26-2021, 02:43 PM | #103 |
Veteran
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Colorado
Casino cash: $3060400
|
Disclaimer, don't have kids, never had kids but my 2 cents is this. He's 19. That's a legal adult. You need to dot i's and cross t's. Doing a formal eviction process is probably necessary in today's society as well as posting non-responsibility to avoid his debts rolling back onto you. Heard a lawyer talking on the radio the other day about how his goal is to find any reason to tie his insurance to your insurance when dealing with claims to grow the "pool of money". You better MAKE SURE momma is 120% on this because I have seen occasions similar that when it finally comes to a head, blood is thicker than a wedding band.
__________________
An armed member of society is a citizen, an unarmed member is a subject. |
Posts: 3,816
|
10-26-2021, 02:45 PM | #104 |
Ultrabanned
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: KCMO
Casino cash: $1649356
|
You have to power **** your wife in front of him. Tell him to straighten his shit up or he’s next!
Rape is a powerful motivator. |
Posts: 40,660
|
10-26-2021, 02:48 PM | #105 |
Supporter
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Utopia
Casino cash: $4628454
|
Maybe just tell his mom to start taking a dump with the door open.
Some problems solve themselves. |
Posts: 61,559
|
|
|