Rebuilding Trust in Friends

[crayzkirk]

I'm having difficulty rebuilding trust in an old 'friend'. We grew up together and there were lots of good times. We shared an apartment and he never paid for any bills. I let him move in with me again because, as he stated, he would be around and could pay me back. I found him stealing from me and never got a cent from him. I kicked him out and moved his stuff into the front yard.

So, about 25 years after this, I hear from him and he wants to see me. I'm a little skeptical however I agree. He says that he wants to make amends and wants to know how much he owes me; I tell him whatever he thinks is fair. I don't hear from him for another 5 or so years. We have gotten together a couple of times, talking about the old days, etc. and I enjoyed it.

I asked about getting some CBD for my tremors and he said that his son could get me a deal; could save me $80. My response was that I wasn't going to get into any sort of financial transactions with him. He gets indignant and says he's tired of the bullshit and should just cut me a check.

Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me. Burn me thrice?

We're both 62; life is short. I've never had a 'friend' treat me this way. There's part of me that wants to figure out how to fix things and there's another part that says run way.

How do you rebuild trust once it's damaged?

[JakeF]

Originally Posted by crayzkirk

This was my thought process. However, I don't borrow/steal from friends so my thought process is definitely different than his. My though process was that he can get this for me as a sign of good faith and instead, he is indignant when I say I'm not going to get into any financial transactions with him.

People do change; we were in our 20s at the time. My dad had just been diagnosed with lung cancer (he died less than 4 months later). A lot has changed and I have made other friends. None of whom ever did any of this kind of thing. So... keep him at arms length, let him rebuild some of the lost trust and just accept that this is what he is.

People do change as they grow up, especially if they were really young at the beginning. Your friend might have changed too but when it comes to money it doesn't sound like any significant change has happened.

Sorry, man.

[Bearcat]

Originally Posted by JakeF

People do change as they grow up, especially if they were really young at the beginning.

I have found that most people are really young at the beginning.

[Pablo]

Originally Posted by Bearcat

I have found that most people are really young at the beginning.

You don't know that. You haven't cut them all open and counted their rings.

[Bearcat]

Originally Posted by Pablo

You don't know that. You haven't cut them all open and counted their rings.

Well, not all of them.

-D6xIyf2XUCsM">via GIPHY

[Chiefshrink]

My guess is that you are not the only "door mat" for just this previous friend. You struggle not being a "door mat" for many people ?

[Chiefshrink]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

I pretty much made my decision at "I found him stealing from me".

Give him an accurate and full number of what he owes you, and don't talk about anything else. Tell him you'll look forward to chatting with him once you're paid back in full. You'll never hear from him again.

Originally Posted by JakeF

It's pretty clear that he is still screwing around. If he really wanted to make amends he would have just purchased you the CBD as partial repayment of the money he owes. He didn't, so he really isn't trying to do shit. At best, he is still sketchy and untrustworthy. He might even think he can rip you off again.

sorry, it sucks.

People are such assholes.

I'm all for people changing over time and forgiving BUT when the hard evidence is not there that this guy is changed for the good when being asked again, listen to RainMan and JakeF.

IF this guy was truly humble, repentant and genuine he would have approached you out of the clear blue with the $$ he owed you and then some and like Jake said he would have bought you the CBD oil and then been profusely apologetic IF he were truly a changed man. Just the fact you have posted this wanting feedback this is your gut telling you, "NO" don't trust this guy if he wants to borrow $$, BUT whether he pays you back or not you still must forgive him because Jesus forgave you.

[Titty Meat]

Kick him to the curb

[crayzkirk]

Well, this deserves an update...

He brought his jet ski up to the lake and we spent time talking about the old days, riding the ski, fixing the ski, making dinner and having a pretty good time. He brought up the topic of the money and said that he wanted to get the elephant out of the room. He said that in his estimate, that he owed me $1200 in 1980s money which was $3500 today. I said that I thought that was pretty generous however as I had said before, whatever he thought was fair. He's going to pay me in two installments of $1750.

I've kind of had a breakthru, or breakdown, depending on your opinion. I've been working so much at my job, giving up vacation time, working 12-14 hour days and it has made me realize that most of the problems I have in my life are because of MY CHOICES.

Let go of the past, live in the now, enjoy friends, rebuild broken relationships when possible. It's the people in our lives that matter, not stuff.

Of course, if he doesn't come thru...

I think I'm bipolar... sometimes the smallest, most insignificant thing bothers me and other times... I'm just Superman and everything bounces off.

[crayzkirk]

Originally Posted by Chiefshrink

My guess is that you are not the only "door mat" for just this previous friend. You struggle not being a "door mat" for many people ?

I did for a long time; I valued myself for what I could do for people. With a lot of people, this didn't end well for me. I'm pretty good at spotting people like that and steer clear.

Again, this was because of my own insecurity and wanting people to like me. Lessons learned. I hope...

[bricks]

Originally Posted by crayzkirk

I'm having difficulty rebuilding trust in an old 'friend'. We grew up together and there were lots of good times. We shared an apartment and he never paid for any bills. I let him move in with me again because, as he stated, he would be around and could pay me back. I found him stealing from me and never got a cent from him. I kicked him out and moved his stuff into the front yard.

So, about 25 years after this, I hear from him and he wants to see me. I'm a little skeptical however I agree. He says that he wants to make amends and wants to know how much he owes me; I tell him whatever he thinks is fair. I don't hear from him for another 5 or so years. We have gotten together a couple of times, talking about the old days, etc. and I enjoyed it.

I asked about getting some CBD for my tremors and he said that his son could get me a deal; could save me $80. My response was that I wasn't going to get into any sort of financial transactions with him. He gets indignant and says he's tired of the bullshit and should just cut me a check.

Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me. Burn me thrice?

We're both 62; life is short. I've never had a 'friend' treat me this way. There's part of me that wants to figure out how to fix things and there's another part that says run way.

How do you rebuild trust once it's damaged?

Did he apologize to you?

If not, he's a cynical bastard that lacks empathy. Ask yourself if he really feels bad for what he did and if he is true to what he says?

It's good on your part to be skeptical. I would do the exact same thing because maybe he could want you back as a means of manipulating you and to try to prey off you for personal gain/profit and thus exploit you by taking advantage of you.

Be careful. And don't give in so easy. See where his heart is, does he really mean what he says?

Rebuild trust? Im not so sure. Thats a tough thing to come by because once trust is broken faith is pretty much lost. You see, you don't really believe in him. Thats the problem. And the thing is, he is either trying to get you to believe in him or to try like I said earlier manipulate you. If he is going to gain your trust, you have to open back up to him and give him another chance obviously and he has to prove to you through his intentions that he is a new changed man of integrity and is interested in being your friend and in building relationship. Or else, he will be dead in the water again. Pretty much.


The other thing I could tell you is you have the right approach by being skeptical and yeah I think you stick with that and reevaluate your situations with him and pay close attention. Pay attention to body language, the things he says, does, etc...The cues he gives off you know?

That will tell you the way he thinks, feels and how he will act towards you. I think you need to anticipate here in advance and like others say, go with your gut prior to making a decision.

I would say, since the dude cheated you he is pretty much dead in the water and is in a hole with you and knows it. But yeah, see his approach to the whole thing. Does he mean it to reconcile with you? It has to be sincere. Is he willing to empathize? offer an apology?

If you don't sense these things, then don't bother in my opinion. Keep your head up, be aware, anticipate and go with your gut and you should be fine. I hope you make the right decision and best of luck to you.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by crayzkirk

Well, this deserves an update...

He brought his jet ski up to the lake and we spent time talking about the old days, riding the ski, fixing the ski, making dinner and having a pretty good time. He brought up the topic of the money and said that he wanted to get the elephant out of the room. He said that in his estimate, that he owed me $1200 in 1980s money which was $3500 today. I said that I thought that was pretty generous however as I had said before, whatever he thought was fair. He's going to pay me in two installments of $1750.

I've kind of had a breakthru, or breakdown, depending on your opinion. I've been working so much at my job, giving up vacation time, working 12-14 hour days and it has made me realize that most of the problems I have in my life are because of MY CHOICES.

Let go of the past, live in the now, enjoy friends, rebuild broken relationships when possible. It's the people in our lives that matter, not stuff.

Of course, if he doesn't come thru...

I think I'm bipolar... sometimes the smallest, most insignificant thing bothers me and other times... I'm just Superman and everything bounces off.

Any money you get back is great, and if that's sufficient to fix the relationship, even better. I assume that you just viewed the money is gone, so it's a bonus to get anything at this point.

Similarly, I have a problematic relative who "borrowed" a large sum of money from me when I was in my 20s. I was young and naive, and he called me with a legit emergency (that he created for himself due to stupidity). I felt like I had no choice but to give him the money, and he swore he would pay me back within a month. Well, you can guess where that promise went. It's a close family member so I just ate the loss to avoid all sorts of family drama. I see him regularly, and in the next twenty years he made only one acknowledgement of the money he owed me, which was only because he made a very boastful statement about money and saw that I was glaring daggers at him. He still didn't pay me back, though.

Twenty years later a different relative paid me back about 80 percent of what he borrowed because that person felt bad that he ripped me off. (It's 80 percent because the original person lied about what I gave him - whatever, he's an idiot.) The funny thing is that no one in my family has any sense of finance because they were like, "Whew, well, we've finally paid you back and can put that behind us." I was grateful to get the check, but at the same time I'm thinking about how much it cost me in investment returns to make a large negative-interest loan to a deadbeat family member for 20 years. It pushed my retirement date back by probably a year. But I really think they don't understand what a "loan" and "interest" really is, and it's not going to be productive to try to explain it.

[Bearcat]

I'm probably just a skeptical asshole, but if the guy can afford two payments of $1750 at some point in the future, did he give you any at all now?


That's one thing about takers, everything is in the future.

[eDave]

Originally Posted by Bearcat

I'm probably just a skeptical asshole, but if the guy can afford two payments of $1750 at some point in the future, did he give you any at all now?


That's one thing about takers, everything is in the future.

Same thoughts over here. He is either good for it or really ****ed himself with Cray Cray. It's probably on Cray Cray to remind him. I'm owed $7,500 from someone who cannot pay right now, which is cool, but she makes sure she gives me something when she can.

[rydogg58]

Originally Posted by Bearcat

I have found that most people are really young at the beginning.

Benjamin Button wasn't.

[crayzkirk]

Originally Posted by eDave

Same thoughts over here. He is either good for it or really ****ed himself with Cray Cray. It's probably on Cray Cray to remind him. I'm owed $7,500 from someone who cannot pay right now, which is cool, but she makes sure she gives me something when she can.

I understand this and have lived this for most of my life. I'm 62, not in the greatest of health and realizing that it's not worth the energy.

eDave... Family is something totally different, in my book. Family is someone you just give to because you can. I have a younger sister that I really love however I don't trust her. I don't like that about myself yet... She was given the same opportunities as my older sister and myself yet she decided to turn it all into an entitlement. I would do anything for her except give her money. (except I would if she needed it to live)

And I gave a lot more to my older sister. helped with weddings for her kids, computers for graduation gifts. I never did that with my younger sister because she stole from our family. I guess that it isn't really her fault that she didn't like school yet you can't throw it in the faces of the people who did go to college and get a career. The money that would have been used to pay for her college was spent on what she wanted. I still love her however my older sister will distribute my funds...

yeah, he really seems sincere... I'm a much better judge of character now... And it doesn't hurt me to be open to trusting. I really have nothing to lose except for my skepticism... Be Superman, not Lex Luthor...

Rereading a lot of my posts gives me the impression that I'm really petty and hold grudges. That's not really who I want to be. Isn't life about making choices and finding out who you want to be and be with?

i think that I'm on the manic phase of my bipolar disorder...