An ode to the Professional Softball Player

[cadmonkey]

http://www.barstoolsports.com/article/Softball_Dude/252/

Softball Dude

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m the best fucking softball player you’ve ever met.

Just ask the opposing teams in the 4 leagues I’m in this summer. I flat out rake. You could populate a small country with all the pitchers I've taken deep.

I just spent three hours in the batting cage and hit the shit out of the ball. Line drives, big flies, opposite field shots. I can do it all. Some kids next to me in the cages were staring and pointing at me. I can’t blame them. They’ve probably never seen a 40 year-old man wearing Oakley Blades and batting gloves who can hit bombs like me. Especially not with shorts this tight.

This season, I’m making sure we sweep all 4 leagues.

Especially the Men’s League at St. Anthony’s. We were two outs away from winning that baby last year and now I can taste it. I’ve gotta get my hands on that 10-foot plastic trophy. It’s all I think about. Rumor has it the league winners get 2 free pitchers at Murphy’s Pub after the season. No way we lose with the trophy and 78 ounces of Busch on the line.

I just bought all new equipment for this season. You should see the acrylic baseball pants I got. Super tight. I picked up a new set of wristbands, a tube of eye black and a pair of 3-inch mud cleats, you know, just in case I need to break up a double play. I also got my hands on a $350 titanium bat for a little extra power. It cost me a week’s pay, but screw it, when I start cranking 400-foot shots it will be worth it. Plus I might need it to beat off all the trim that will be chasing me after the games.

Softball groupies love guys who can go deep.

I can’t wait for that first at bat. I’m bringing a tape deck to the game, so that I can blast The Scorpions when I walk to the plate. Nothing gets me fired up to play ball more than The Scorpions. Except maybe AC/DC, but I save that for the playoffs.

I feel sorry for the other teams. They have no idea what I’m about to unleash on them. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for them. You think that anyone felt sorry for me when that bastard coach cut me from the 8th grade baseball team? You think Babe Ruth or Dave Kingman felt sorry for the other team when they took them deep?

They should have known better than to get into a league with me.

This year I’m focused. I practiced like a son of a bitch in the winter and got the call to play third. That’s right, the hot corner. Only the best play the hot corner. I have to be sharp, so no more beer during the games. I’m going to wait until after the game to starting pounding cold ones and I’m still going to drink you under the table.

My initials might as well be M-V-P. That stands for Most Valuable Player for all you non-softball players.

The League starts Tuesday night. I took the day off of work.

Why do I take softball so seriously?

fuck you. You’re just jealous.

[Pitt Gorilla]

Originally Posted by cadmonkey

That's all it is for me. I go, have some beers, some laughs, and knock the ball around with some friends and co-workers. This one guy yells and screams if we take to long to get to our position.

If I start jogging to center field I am bound to spill some beer. fuck you, I'm walkin.

Exactly.

Originally Posted by Pitt Gorilla

I don't think it is. Wait untill you play the guy that swings at and purposefully misses "balls" just so he won't walk.

Um. Heh heh. That's me.

To me, softball is a hitting game. There are a limited number of at bats. I want to hit a line drive every time at the plate. If I'm not getting pitches, I'll give the pitcher another opportunity.

Finally, there are 10 guys standing around waiting for your ball to come to them. If you walk, you're disappointing all those people. I just don't have it in me to walk with less than 2 strikes.

[Saulbadguy]

Originally Posted by Pitt Gorilla

I don't think it is. Wait untill you play the guy that swings at and purposefully misses "balls" just so he won't walk.

Heh. A couple of games ago, I got as close to the plate as possible without touching it, and the pitcher walked me a couple times. He was pissed.

[KCTitus]

Originally Posted by Pitt Gorilla

I don't think it is. Wait untill you play the guy that swings at and purposefully misses "balls" just so he won't walk.

holy crap...I played teams that were so competitive that they would stand there and let 4 balls go by that were hitable just to load up the bases. I allways thought it was a chickenshit strategy for cheap runs...the game was about hitting the ball.

[mcan]

I actually see this argument both ways.


1. If you sign up for any SPORT that means you're there for exercise, fun, and competition. But everyone is going to put these three things in their own order, and there's nothing wrong with that. I seriously don't see anything wrong with taking it as seriously as you want to, and I believe that everybody should always play to win. If you're just there to have fun and don't care about winning, then you should just watch the game and drink with everybody afterwards. Don't ask to play and then come in and half-ass it, and then blow people off by saying, "Man we're just here to have a good time." That's just being rude to people who actually do care.

2. HOWEVER. Not everybody is going to be Carlos Beltran and make every play, and nobody has the right to be a dick to somebody who is honestly trying. Also there is a big difference between wanting or trying hard to win, and needing to win to have any fun. People who get depressed or upset when they lose just boggle my mind. If you love the game, then honestly TRYING to win should satisfy you.

[KCTitus]

Originally Posted by mcan

Also there is a big difference between wanting or trying hard to win, and needing to win to have any fun. People who get depressed or upset when they lose just boggle my mind. If you love the game, then honestly TRYING to win should satisfy you.

One time, while playing in the grandview league, we had a late game that went to it's time limit. It was a close game and the opposing team lost the game by one run, the result of a tag out of the tying run at home in the final half of the inning and the 3rd out coming off a popup.

As we were leaving the field, the other team had surrounded the umpire and was threatening the dude with a beat down. We had to escort the guy to his car.

This was the the 'E' league--the least 'competitive' league they had. 3 of the 6 teams in that league were like that. Just sad.

[mcan]

Originally Posted by KCTitus

One time, while playing in the grandview league, we had a late game that went to it's time limit. It was a close game and the opposing team lost the game by one run, the result of a tag out of the tying run at home in the final half of the inning and the 3rd out coming off a popup.

As we were leaving the field, the other team had surrounded the umpire and was threatening the dude with a beat down. We had to escort the guy to his car.

This was the the 'E' league--the least 'competitive' league they had. 3 of the 6 teams in that league were like that. Just sad.

That sucks. You can't help but feel just a little uncomfortable and embarrassed for people like that though... Just sad...

[Saulbadguy]

What sucks is this year there is a team in our leage who is supposed to be in league 8, but it, and league 9 filled up, so they are in league 10..the next to last league as far as skill level. They are beating everyone down.

[Dartgod]

Originally Posted by mcan

That sucks. You can't help but feel just a little uncomfortable and embarrassed for people like that though... Just sad...

What's worse are parents that behave this way at their kid's games.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by mcan

I actually see this argument both ways.


1. If you sign up for any SPORT that means you're there for exercise, fun, and competition. But everyone is going to put these three things in their own order, and there's nothing wrong with that. I seriously don't see anything wrong with taking it as seriously as you want to, and I believe that everybody should always play to win. If you're just there to have fun and don't care about winning, then you should just watch the game and drink with everybody afterwards. Don't ask to play and then come in and half-ass it, and then blow people off by saying, "Man we're just here to have a good time." That's just being rude to people who actually do care.

2. HOWEVER. Not everybody is going to be Carlos Beltran and make every play, and nobody has the right to be a dick to somebody who is honestly trying. Also there is a big difference between wanting or trying hard to win, and needing to win to have any fun. People who get depressed or upset when they lose just boggle my mind. If you love the game, then honestly TRYING to win should satisfy you.

Couldn't have said it better myself...
I hate the person that doesn't hustle with all the talent in the world.
But I love the hustler with no talent.

[tyton75]

its beer league softball... you are an old fart who can't cut it anymore, but like to drink beer with your friends... do your best, but if you ***** something up, its funny; not the end of the world

[Lzen]

Originally Posted by mcan

I actually see this argument both ways.


1. If you sign up for any SPORT that means you're there for exercise, fun, and competition. But everyone is going to put these three things in their own order, and there's nothing wrong with that. I seriously don't see anything wrong with taking it as seriously as you want to, and I believe that everybody should always play to win. If you're just there to have fun and don't care about winning, then you should just watch the game and drink with everybody afterwards. Don't ask to play and then come in and half-ass it, and then blow people off by saying, "Man we're just here to have a good time." That's just being rude to people who actually do care.

2. HOWEVER. Not everybody is going to be Carlos Beltran and make every play, and nobody has the right to be a dick to somebody who is honestly trying. Also there is a big difference between wanting or trying hard to win, and needing to win to have any fun. People who get depressed or upset when they lose just boggle my mind. If you love the game, then honestly TRYING to win should satisfy you.

Well said. I'm one of the more competitive people out there on the team. My brother and I (with whom I've played sports with all my life - mainly hoops but he's also on my softball team) have always been very competitive. Once at a family gathering for Father's Day, I got 7 stiches in the back of my head in a volleyball game. Yeah, his knee, my head.

And just the other day, my wife was saying something during the game about how if we're down by 10 runs, we lost. I said you can't think like that or you've already lost. Hell, we were down by double digits in our game 2 days prior and came back to almost win it at the end (lost 16-14) so I know we're capable. Needless to say, the wife didn't like that too well and she got pissy with me. I wasn't really being a jackass, just trying to keep a winning attitude. And we ended up winning our next game of the double header that day.

I play the game to have fun but that doesn't mean have a laid back attitude. But I'll never end up being one of those freaks that live or die by wins and losses. My attitude is if we lose, we lose but, just look at how we played and try to improve upon it the next game.

[Mosbonian]

Originally Posted by mcan

I actually see this argument both ways.


1. If you sign up for any SPORT that means you're there for exercise, fun, and competition. But everyone is going to put these three things in their own order, and there's nothing wrong with that. I seriously don't see anything wrong with taking it as seriously as you want to, and I believe that everybody should always play to win. If you're just there to have fun and don't care about winning, then you should just watch the game and drink with everybody afterwards. Don't ask to play and then come in and half-ass it, and then blow people off by saying, "Man we're just here to have a good time." That's just being rude to people who actually do care.

2. HOWEVER. Not everybody is going to be Carlos Beltran and make every play, and nobody has the right to be a dick to somebody who is honestly trying. Also there is a big difference between wanting or trying hard to win, and needing to win to have any fun. People who get depressed or upset when they lose just boggle my mind. If you love the game, then honestly TRYING to win should satisfy you.

Couldn't have said it better!!

I've been playing ball since I was 6 and bugged my dad to play on the 9 to 12 y/o league he coached. No one was more competetive than I was in my earlier years. BUT, I never once took softball so seriously that I lived my life around it, screamed at my friends when they screwed up and dressed liked I just walked out of MC Sports.

As I have imparted to everyone here on an thread a month or two ago, I am playing my "goodbye year" this summer, because it's time to turn this game over to the younger guys, and spend more time coaching my kids. But I will tell you this year has been an eye opener for me in terms of seeing myself when I was younger.

The company is sponsoring a team made up of mostly guys who work there, or the husband of a wife who works at the company. We ended up having to get into a league that was a step above our competition level due to getting our team in late. But, what was supposed to be a "C" league has 3 teams who are more like "A" teams who couldn't get into any other league because no one wanted to play them. And now I know why.....it is 3 whole teams made up of the very type of person that this thread describes. Two of those teams get pissed if they don't destroy every team they play, except each other,within 3 innings. And if they are ahead by 15 runs after a couple of innings, they spend their last at bat making a game out of trying to ding the pitcher.

All 3 of these teams have played together for several years, even switching players amongst each other, but completely destroying any competition. What makes two of these teams less desirable to play is that they love being obnoxious during the game...and even more obnoxious afterwards.

Hey...I don't mind losing to a much better team, and expect it considering we are mostly a bunch of guys who enjoy playing ball for fun. But it's just a game, and making target practice out of the pitcher and taunting your opponent takes all the fun out of it.

I bet Pitt Gorilla, if he plays softball here, could probably name the teams I am talking about...no one really likes them anymore.

mmaddog
*******

[Valiant]

Originally Posted by KCTitus

One time, while playing in the grandview league, we had a late game that went to it's time limit. It was a close game and the opposing team lost the game by one run, the result of a tag out of the tying run at home in the final half of the inning and the 3rd out coming off a popup.

As we were leaving the field, the other team had surrounded the umpire and was threatening the dude with a beat down. We had to escort the guy to his car.

This was the the 'E' league--the least 'competitive' league they had. 3 of the 6 teams in that league were like that. Just sad.

Some refs need the shit kicked out them... I had a ref calling strikes on me that were dropping four 4-6 feet behind me... I called him out, and he wouldnt do shit.. The other ref was trying to difuse the situation, but all he was doing was backing up his partner... Both coaches fromt he teams agreed that the guy was calling bullshit calls because of the team I was subbing on.. He bought me beers at the bar, afterwards..

[Valiant]

Originally Posted by Saulbadguy

What sucks is this year there is a team in our leage who is supposed to be in league 8, but it, and league 9 filled up, so they are in league 10..the next to last league as far as skill level. They are beating everyone down.

I have never heard leagues with that many divisions.. Everyone I have been apart of is A thru E on level...