The 17 Ways Women Fail In Bed

[KChiefs1]

This will probably get pulled(no pun intended) but it's hilarious:


THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED:

1. MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail
and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love
sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms.
The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed,
worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the
top (where your face should be), not two thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS:
When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam
your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be
caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show
your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy
that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says
things like, "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock sucking slut" or "I want
to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any
aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful
you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP:
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your
face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment
of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause
permanent blindness in most cases but this is a risk you should be
prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy
style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to
touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a
one night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything
or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8. BEING SHY:
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If
you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play
with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and
any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed
everything.

10. CLOCK WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come
soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to
utter the question. If you're giving a hand job, you should have gone to
the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10
minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful
act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had
so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't
ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport
and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the
men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're
blessed with the equipment and know how to do it but at least put some
effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who
can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting
suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If
he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn
something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It
makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At
best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim,
go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy
models that your man would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate
and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without
savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a
block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to
side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a
happy finale to fun and games.

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and
energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if A) sex has
lasted more than five minutes and/or B) you managed to achieve an
orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it
is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's
warm after sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off
into well deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I
should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is
a name for the practice of mixing sex and business. It's called whoring.