Dear Mr. Hunt (The Longest Letter)

[CosmicPal]

Dear Mr. Hunt:

Hi...my name is Cosmicpal. Although, I currently reside in Denver, I still call Kansas City my home. You see, I grew up in some of the finest suburbs in the country and loved the city, the people, and the sports there in Kansas City. There was really nothing to do there except watch sports. No mountains. No oceans. Well, there is Oceans of Fun, but c’mon- it really isn’t all that fun. Oh wait, don’t you own it? Forgive me for it’s one of the finest water parks in the nation. Wait, it’s one of the finest unnatural water parks in the world.

I want to thank you for bringing the team to Kansas City back in the days where hippies tried to change the world, and leaders were getting shot, and singers were dying of overdoses. It was a crazy time back then, eh? But, the Chiefs were a pretty awesome sight during that tumultuous time. I was just a little kid back then, but I do faintly remember Lenny the cool dropping bombs on unsuspecting defenses, and how guys like Bobby Bell, Buck Buchanan, and Willie Lanier would shut down offenses with absolute ease. It was great.

My dad was a huge fan, and he turned me onto the Chiefs.

But, ever since those guys got old and retired, and Stram went off to New Orleans- the Chiefs have been, well- not very good. Oh, they look great on paper. But, something always goes wrong: missed field goals, dropped passes, poor coaching, unenthusiastic playing, or lucky plays against our napping defenses at the end of the game. I’ve been to Arrowhead so many times I feel like it’s my second home. Shoot, I’m probably one of the very few, if not the only fan, who nearly sat in every single section. It’s a nice stadium Lamar. It’s a really nice stadium.

Things were looking bad, until the day you got rid of Jack Steadman and called Carl Peterson to come run the team. It didn’t stop there, he ended up getting Marty Shottenheimer, and I swear parades were moving through downtown Kansas City with confetti in the air. And then they did the best thing of all- they drafted that Derrick Thomas kid. Man, he was sweet! I was so glad you guys drafted him on draft day- I really, really believed this would be the start of a very beautiful thing. And they were indeed very good, but we could never get over the hump.

And then things turned for the worse- Shottenheimer didn’t win the important games, Derrick- gawd bless his very soul, well....that’s too hard to talk about now. I thought Gunther was an okay choice, but things were really looking up when Vermiel came to town. Then I really thought we would finally win another championship.

Well, Lamar- it hasn’t happened.

Here’s what I think you ought to do. Hire me. Yep. I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably thinking, what the hell would some hippie dude in Colorado know about running a football team. Probably not much. But, I know I wouldn’t even consider trading Larry Johnson for Keenan McCardell. Hell, I probably wouldn’t even have drafted Larry Johnson in the first place. I would have talked to my star running back in the offseason, and ask him- “Can you play?” You know Priest. He wouldn’t lie to me or you or anyone. He’s a bright guy who is very dedicated to his family, himself, and his team. If he said, “Yes, of course.” Well, Lamar, I would have drafted the best available defensive need, not the best overall available- but the best available defensive player.

Am I blaming Carl Peterson? Well, yes. But, I’m also blaming YOU! It’s your money. You need to care about your money. Just because you have a lot of it, doesn’t make it right to just blow it away on a pretty stadium and a football team. Geez, Lamar- you’re a well-respected man in the National Football League. But, I will tell you this- Chiefs fans, like myself, are getting a little more than edgy. They want the heads of Carl Peterson and Al Saunders. That’s not a very sound business when your customers are wishing your own employees would just roll over and die.
Lamar, give me say- one month. One good solid month when this season is over, and I’ll turn this ship around in the right direction. These guys are looking for a lighthouse when all they need to do is to follow the stars. One month and a case of beer, that’s all I ask for. I can prove my worth. First thing I’ll do- is get rid of Vermeil. I’ll hire this guy we call Rain Man. He’ll be a great coach. Probably doesn’t know sh*t about coaching, but he has the charisma to do it. Any guy that drives an apricot BMW ought to be a head coach. Then I’ll hire Bob Dole to run the offense. No, not the old fart from Kansas who worked in DC forever- this is another Bob Dole. And then, I’ll hire Phobia, and EndDelt, and Baby Lee, and Coogs, and 2bikemike, Braincase, Mark M, and a few others.

I know, I know...I know you’re probably wondering who the hell are these guys? Well, they are some of the most passionate people in football. They know their stuff. Trust me. I’ve got well over a hundred more chaps I can call on to make this team work. Trust me- me and my buds- we can make this thing happen, Lamar. We can- ‘cause WE BELIEVE we can make it happen.

Carl is only collecting a paycheck from you Lamar. I hate to break it to you, but he is. It’s time to give your team over to the ones who care the most- THE FANS! And there are no better fans in this world-then the legion of Chiefs fans.

Trust me Lamar. As soon as I polish off this cocktail, I’ll give you a call.

Sincerely,

CosmicPal