A Million Little Pieces - Page 2

**CosmicPal** · 03-08-2006, 12:18 PM

It's all over. I've finally come clean. All the years, so many years of negative abuse upon myself. It all started with cigarettes. I then took my first hit from a joint at the bus stop. From there, I was smoking weed daily, and then it grew to the point I was smoking weed whenever I could get my hands on it. At the same time, I developed a fascination with popping pills every morning before school- speed, ludes, you name it.

My senior year in high school, I found my new love- alcohol. Drink and drown nights became very popular every Thursday night. How we ever made it home is beyond me. In college- I was drinking, smoking pot, smoking cigarettes, and being introduced to acid and shrooms.

Upon leaving college, I became hooked on coke. Somehow I was able to hold down jobs, but relationships were another thing. Nary a night would go by that I wasn't under the influence of something whether it be pot, alcohol, or coke. I enjoyed being high. It was my place of happiness and peace. I was rarely, rarely an angry drunk. I was always the happy drunk.

A couple of months ago, I snorted my last line of blow. It was an easy choice 'cause I believe I have grown an allergic reaction to blow- I would end up with severe allergies for a couple of weeks upon snorting on any night. About the same time, I smoked my last joint. It just wasn't doing anything for me anymore.

The most difficul thing has always been the willingness to quit drinking and smoking cigarettes. It's been over two weeks now since I've had either. I still have a pack of cigarettes lying on top of my bookshelf. I see it every time I come home. It looks dead- like an abandoned corpse. I have no idea how many cigarettes are in the pack. I just know it's there and I don't want that shit anymore.

I have a bottle of vodka on my desk. I have a case of beer in the fridge. I know they are there, but I don't see them. This is all good. This is really a giant step for me. But, here's the thing: I feel like absolute shit. Every gawddamn organ in my body is wrenching in pain. I can't breathe. I have persistent headaches. I get dizzy spells nearly every day. It *****ing sucks! I know my body must be surprised. For as long as I can recall, I've been putting shit into my body to ***** it up and now I'm all clean and I feel worse than ever.

You don't need to pray for me and I am not sure why I am saying all of this except maybe I need to get it off my chest to somehow make sense of it all. I'm lucky. Very lucky. I haven't killed anyone. I've never been in an accident. I've only *****ed up some relationships and hurt some very good people in the past. I'm not going to AA. I'm not going to any support group. I'm simply sick and tired of living the way I had been for so long. I don't feel free, and I may never feel free. But, I do know this- I'm going to be *****ing clean for some time. And that's the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time.

Peace out.

listopencil · 03-08-2006, 01:14 PM

Hey, buddy-Chiefs Planet can be your support group. It's open 24/7 and you can keep digging this thread back up when you get tempted. Good luck.

**CosmicPal** · 03-08-2006, 01:14 PM

The other thing too- addictions require money. It's not that I've never had money, it's just that all of my money went to support my addictions.

Should I stay clean, I am going to reward myself with a couple of trips this summer- and one of them will be to Chiefs Training Camp: A few days of fishing, football, golf, and hiking. I wanted to do it last year, but like anything else- I could never save up the money 'cause it always went to drugs and alcohol.

Amnorix · 03-08-2006, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CosmicPal

I will replace my addictions with another adventure: taking up golf again, going on a long hike in the mountains with my dog, hitting the gym in preparation for next winter's ski season. My life is coming back to me, one day at a time.

You will be stunned and amazed at how your wallet will suddenly be overflowing with money.

The thing that amazes me about smokers/heavy drinkers, and we all know a few if not many of them, is how the f**k they can possibly afford it. Those are EXPENSIVE habits. If you're doing drugs in any kind of remotely serious quantity, then I really have no idea how you do it all. Especially since you more or less have to get up and go to work to afford all those bad habits.

Amnorix · 03-08-2006, 01:17 PM

Oh yeah, and keep it up. Best of luck to you. Going cold turkey on multiple fronts ain't easy, but it sounds like you've got the right attitude about it all.

**Bwana** · 03-08-2006, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CosmicPal

I will replace my addictions with another adventure: taking up golf again, going on a long hike in the mountains with my dog, hitting the gym in preparation for next winter's ski season. My life is coming back to me, one day at a time.

That's exactly what you need to do. Replace things that are bad for you, with things that are not and you enjoy doing. Like I tried to tell another poster here not long ago, life is full of choices, you can make good ones or bad ones, it's all up to you. It sounds like you are ready to make not only the right ones, but the smart ones.

Amnorix · 03-08-2006, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CosmicPal

The other thing too- addictions require money. It's not that I've never had money, it's just that all of my money went to support my addictions.

Should I stay clean, I am going to reward myself with a couple of trips this summer- and one of them will be to Chiefs Training Camp: A few days of fishing, football, golf, and hiking. I wanted to do it last year, but like anything else- I could never save up the money 'cause it always went to drugs and alcohol.

Gah! Beat me by 2 minutes on the money thing!!

mike_b_284 · 03-08-2006, 01:20 PM

NA, even if you don't think you need it. I think it is worth checking out.

Simply Red · 03-08-2006, 01:20 PM

Mr. C.P.,

Funny I should read this. I am facing the same dilema. Only mine is just with Alcohol. My body organs hurt as well. Laz is exactly right. This is your body healing itself. I am about half way through a great book titled, "How to quit drinking without AA." It has helped me and taught me a lot regarding the healing process. You see, when you drink everyday for a few years it impacts EVERY cell in your body. The body produces new cells everyday. The fact that a lot of cells in your body are not full or healthy, enables your body and organs to absorb nutritious vitamins fully. So hang in there. P.M. me before you crack open that bottle of Vodka.

-Simply

Determined.

03-08-2006, 01:24 PM

Clear your damn PMs, CP.

**CosmicPal** · 03-08-2006, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simply Red

Mr. C.P.,

Funny I should read this. I am facing the same dilema. Only mine is just with Alcohol. My body organs hurt as well. Laz is exactly right. This is your body healing itself. I am about half way through a great book titled, "How to quit drinking without AA." It has helped me and taught me a lot regarding the healing process. You see, when you drink everyday for a few years it impacts EVERY cell in your body. The body produces new cells everyday. The fact that a lot of cells in your body are not full or healthy, enables your body and organs to absorb nutritious vitamins fully. So hang in there. P.M. me before you crack open that bottle of Vodka.

-Simply

Determined.

Thanks. I'm truly overwhelmed by the support. I'm really looking forward to leaving one life behind me and launching into a new life ahead of me.

munkey · 03-08-2006, 01:29 PM

Funny thing about AA is they preach you need support to stay drug free BUT to quit you must go it alone. It's not easy but if you start working out on a regular basis and eat right you will feel better in about 3 months....It really takes about that long.

It was my uncles advice that got me thinking about ....What does it really do for you? Nothing.

I haven't really looked at into it yet but I'm sure I've saved a chit load of money since quiting....problem is now that money is being funneled to my gym membership and supplements....

**Rain Man** · 03-08-2006, 01:30 PM

Good luck. My only addition other than Chiefsplanet is for sweets, so I'm kind of lucky, I guess. Pot-bellied, but lucky.

Hog's Gone Fishin · 03-08-2006, 01:35 PM

Just curious, How many cats have you lost ?

**CosmicPal** · 03-08-2006, 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hog Farmer

Just curious, How many cats have you lost ?

Women?

**Bwana** · 03-08-2006, 01:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hog Farmer

Just curious, How many cats have you lost ?

Now that was a good one.

03-08-2006, 12:18 PM
CosmicPal Learn it. Know it. Live it. Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: St. Petersburg, FL Casino cash: $10004900	A Million Little Pieces It's all over. I've finally come clean. All the years, so many years of negative abuse upon myself. It all started with cigarettes. I then took my first hit from a joint at the bus stop. From there, I was smoking weed daily, and then it grew to the point I was smoking weed whenever I could get my hands on it. At the same time, I developed a fascination with popping pills every morning before school- speed, ludes, you name it. My senior year in high school, I found my new love- alcohol. Drink and drown nights became very popular every Thursday night. How we ever made it home is beyond me. In college- I was drinking, smoking pot, smoking cigarettes, and being introduced to acid and shrooms. Upon leaving college, I became hooked on coke. Somehow I was able to hold down jobs, but relationships were another thing. Nary a night would go by that I wasn't under the influence of something whether it be pot, alcohol, or coke. I enjoyed being high. It was my place of happiness and peace. I was rarely, rarely an angry drunk. I was always the happy drunk. A couple of months ago, I snorted my last line of blow. It was an easy choice 'cause I believe I have grown an allergic reaction to blow- I would end up with severe allergies for a couple of weeks upon snorting on any night. About the same time, I smoked my last joint. It just wasn't doing anything for me anymore. The most difficul thing has always been the willingness to quit drinking and smoking cigarettes. It's been over two weeks now since I've had either. I still have a pack of cigarettes lying on top of my bookshelf. I see it every time I come home. It looks dead- like an abandoned corpse. I have no idea how many cigarettes are in the pack. I just know it's there and I don't want that shit anymore. I have a bottle of vodka on my desk. I have a case of beer in the fridge. I know they are there, but I don't see them. This is all good. This is really a giant step for me. But, here's the thing: I feel like absolute shit. Every gawddamn organ in my body is wrenching in pain. I can't breathe. I have persistent headaches. I get dizzy spells nearly every day. It ***ing sucks! I know my body must be surprised. For as long as I can recall, I've been putting shit into my body to * it up and now I'm all clean and I feel worse than ever. You don't need to pray for me and I am not sure why I am saying all of this except maybe I need to get it off my chest to somehow make sense of it all. I'm lucky. Very lucky. I haven't killed anyone. I've never been in an accident. I've only *ed up some relationships and hurt some very good people in the past. I'm not going to AA. I'm not going to any support group. I'm simply sick and tired of living the way I had been for so long. I don't feel free, and I may never feel free. But, I do know this- I'm going to be ***ing clean for some time. And that's the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time. Peace out.
Posts: 10,840

03-08-2006, 01:14 PM	#16
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $-1014120	Hey, buddy-Chiefs Planet can be your support group. It's open 24/7 and you can keep digging this thread back up when you get tempted. Good luck. __________________ *While you live, shine. Have no grief at all. Life exists only for a short while and time demands its toll.*
Posts: 56,870

03-08-2006, 01:14 PM	#17
CosmicPal Learn it. Know it. Live it. Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: St. Petersburg, FL Casino cash: $10004900	The other thing too- addictions require money. It's not that I've never had money, it's just that all of my money went to support my addictions. Should I stay clean, I am going to reward myself with a couple of trips this summer- and one of them will be to Chiefs Training Camp: A few days of fishing, football, golf, and hiking. I wanted to do it last year, but like anything else- I could never save up the money 'cause it always went to drugs and alcohol. __________________ - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - Four blessings upon my fellow planeteers: Older whiskey, younger women, faster horses, and more money.
Posts: 10,840

03-08-2006, 01:17 PM	#19
Amnorix In BB I trust Join Date: May 2003 Location: Boston, Mass. Casino cash: $10029808	Oh yeah, and keep it up. Best of luck to you. Going cold turkey on multiple fronts ain't easy, but it sounds like you've got the right attitude about it all. __________________ "I love signature blocks on the Internet. I get to put whatever the hell I want in quotes, pick a pretend author, and bang, it's like he really said it." George Washington
Posts: 43,125

03-08-2006, 01:20 PM	#22
mike_b_284 Veteran Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Houston, TX Casino cash: $10004900	NA, even if you don't think you need it. I think it is worth checking out.
Posts: 1,173

03-08-2006, 01:20 PM	#23
Simply Red You Sweetie! Join Date: Sep 2005 Casino cash: $2021206219 VARSITY	Mr. C.P., Funny I should read this. I am facing the same dilema. Only mine is just with Alcohol. My body organs hurt as well. Laz is exactly right. This is your body healing itself. I am about half way through a great book titled, "How to quit drinking without AA." It has helped me and taught me a lot regarding the healing process. You see, when you drink everyday for a few years it impacts EVERY cell in your body. The body produces new cells everyday. The fact that a lot of cells in your body are not full or healthy, enables your body and organs to absorb nutritious vitamins fully. So hang in there. P.M. me before you crack open that bottle of Vodka. -Simply Determined.
Posts: 71,691

03-08-2006, 01:24 PM	#24
Phobia Guest Casino cash: $	Clear your damn PMs, CP.
Posts: n/a

03-08-2006, 01:29 PM	#26
munkey Veteran Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Bend Oregon Casino cash: $10007596	First step... Funny thing about AA is they preach you need support to stay drug free BUT to quit you must go it alone. It's not easy but if you start working out on a regular basis and eat right you will feel better in about 3 months....It really takes about that long. It was my uncles advice that got me thinking about ....What does it really do for you? Nothing. I haven't really looked at into it yet but I'm sure I've saved a chit load of money since quiting....problem is now that money is being funneled to my gym membership and supplements.... __________________ "In the time of chimpanzees I was a munkey"
Posts: 3,140

03-08-2006, 01:30 PM	#27
Rain Man Seize life. Be an ermine. Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: My house Casino cash: $-632449 VARSITY	Good luck. My only addition other than Chiefsplanet is for sweets, so I'm kind of lucky, I guess. Pot-bellied, but lucky. __________________ Active fan of the greatest team in NFL history.
Posts: 145,431

03-08-2006, 01:35 PM	#28
Hog's Gone Fishin Fish are scared of me Join Date: Nov 2001 Casino cash: $-1519523	Just curious, How many cats have you lost ?
Posts: 40,647