|
02-03-2007, 04:08 PM | #2 |
Guest
Casino cash: $
|
You missed a couple words - other than that it was interesting.
|
Posts: n/a
|
02-03-2007, 04:09 PM | #3 |
MVP
Join Date: Sep 2003
Casino cash: $10004900
|
I don't feel like I ever got the point.
It kind of acts like it's going a few different places, but never seems to take me there. It has potential, though. |
Posts: 28,527
|
02-03-2007, 04:10 PM | #4 |
I'll be back.
Join Date: Nov 2002
Casino cash: $3230478
|
Who did you write this for?
__________________
Chiefs game films |
Posts: 285,772
|
02-03-2007, 04:14 PM | #5 | |
Someone pass the antifreeze
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Miami (North Cuba)
Casino cash: $127819
|
Quote:
|
|
Posts: 15,800
|
02-03-2007, 04:16 PM | #6 |
Woman should only make babies
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Apartment "G UNIT!"
Casino cash: $1826136
|
without reading it i think it is shitty
__________________
|
Posts: 54,560
|
02-03-2007, 04:19 PM | #7 | |
MVP
Join Date: Sep 2003
Casino cash: $10004900
|
Quote:
|
|
Posts: 28,527
|
02-03-2007, 04:21 PM | #8 |
Supporter
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: In a shotgun shack
Casino cash: $9955202
|
Agree with Simplex. You're starting off with an interesting character and place but you need to decide where to go with it. I was still looking for a story to get started when it ended.
You write well and pick good subject matter, you should stick with it. |
Posts: 14,932
|
02-03-2007, 04:39 PM | #9 |
fides quaerens intellectum
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: United States
Casino cash: $8330900
|
Thank you for the comments so far. I'm going to have to think of a better way to end it, tie it all together. I don't want to advertise the place. My initial thought is to provide a long paragraph of what Ishtar had said about psychics stuff.
Personally, I think they're all a bunch of crap, and my feelings haven't changed after going through a session. But I don't think I made a strong enough argument of that in the article, so maybe that would just come out of nowhere... This is for the college newspaper, btw. I'm usually just a reporter, just give the straight facts with some quotes and decent commentary, but I wanted to try something more creative this time around. |
Posts: 15,986
|
02-03-2007, 04:41 PM | #10 | |
MVP
Join Date: Sep 2003
Casino cash: $10004900
|
Quote:
|
|
Posts: 28,527
|
02-03-2007, 04:46 PM | #11 | |
fides quaerens intellectum
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: United States
Casino cash: $8330900
|
Quote:
|
|
Posts: 15,986
|
02-03-2007, 04:48 PM | #12 | |
MVP
Join Date: Sep 2003
Casino cash: $10004900
|
Quote:
1. Gullible people 2. Some personal spontaneous evolution moment |
|
Posts: 28,527
|
02-03-2007, 05:07 PM | #13 | |
'Stachecicle
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Tolerance Box
Casino cash: $3715087
|
Quote:
FYP
__________________
"I don't really think there is a need to raise or debate this point." -jAZ |
|
Posts: 7,132
|
02-03-2007, 05:25 PM | #14 | |
fides quaerens intellectum
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: United States
Casino cash: $8330900
|
Quote:
I made some edits. They are in bold. |
|
Posts: 15,986
|
02-03-2007, 05:57 PM | #15 |
MVP
Join Date: Sep 2003
Casino cash: $10004900
|
Better with the edits. You wrap up and solidify where you were driving to.
|
Posts: 28,527
|
|
|