Chiefs Deadspin: Why the Chiefs suck - Page 4

**BigRedChief** · 08-20-2013, 03:01 PM

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...efs-1172555831

Your team: Kansas City Chiefs
Your 2012 record: 2-14. I feel like that 2-14 needs a little typographical dagger symbol added to it (like so: 2-14†), with a footnote that explains that one of the team's starting linebackers killed his girlfriend and then shot himself to death in front of the team's general manager and head coach. I feel like that would both explain the 2-14 and let you know that, even among 2-14 seasons, this one was particularly difficult. Here is a reminder of the suicide from the Kansas City Star:

Crennel raised both his hands, pleading with Belcher to put the gun down. “You’re taking the easy way out!” Crennel yelled.
Belcher glanced at an approaching police officer, then knelt behind a minivan, made the sign of the cross on his chest with his left hand and fired a bullet into his head above his right ear. After the gunshot, Crennel slumped, dropped his hands and turned away from Belcher.

Jesus. Jesus Christ. Why is the world so horrible? I don't want to go on knowing people can bear witness to something like this.
By the way, Crennel and Pioli were both fired. Imagine how poorly you have to do to not get a grace period after watching someone commit suicide in front of you.

Your coach: Andy Reid. And if Andy Reid chooses a black jacket for winter home games, I will feel beyond cheated. I want that man rocking a bright red puffy coat and looking like a tomato blimp on the sidelines.
Anyway, Andy Reid is an experienced coach with an excellent reputation for building an organization from the ground up and a terrible reputation for freezing up at the exact wrong moment of an important game. It's a good thing Kansas City has never had a coach like that! I hope you fans enjoy watching Jamaal Charles (already hurt, by the way) inexplicably get fewer than 14 carries a game. Todd Haley certainly approves of that strategy.

Your quarterback: Alex Smith. Holy shit, does this franchise have a compulsion for bringing in old 49er quarterbacks: Montana, Bono, Grbac. How Jeff Garcia eluded them is beyond me. The problem with Alex Smith is that, even when he's good, no one really believes he'll stay that way. He completed 70% of his passes last season for a stud team and STILL couldn't keep his job. There will always be a point at which Alex Smith turns back into Alex Smith. BUT WHEN? Don't keep me guessing, fella!

Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: Dwayne Bowe. He could catch 15 TDs again. He could. The fact that he did once upon a time gives fantasy owners the illusion that he can do it twice. Somewhere, buried deep inside his brain, under all the Skittle wrappers, is the soul of a man who has the ability to catch 15 TDs. He even has a shiny new QB to help coax that fabulous player back out of the woodwork. But he'll never do it again, because he sucks. With Smith around, you could easily talk yourself into believing that Bowe will have a rebound year. And then Smith will develop a rapport with Donnie Avery instead and you will give MURDEREYES to Bowe any time you see him run a fade route two steps out of the back of the end zone.

Why your team sucks: It's a measure of how far the Chiefs have fallen that the combination of Reid and Smith represents a COLOSSAL upgrade for the franchise. With Andy Reid as your coach and Alex Smith as your QB, you know damn well that you're aren't ever going to win a Super Bowl. But you won't completely suck, and that's about all the Chiefs can ask for at this point. If they win 11 games, get bounced after one round due to a horrendous clock management error and no one dies, they'll have basically had their finest season of the new century.

The problem is that the Chiefs are now locked in for at least three more years of this kind of bland, ultimately pointless competence. Go ask Eagles fans how much they enjoyed "winning" with Andy Reid in charge. By the end of Reid's tenure in Philly, Eagles fans were BEGGING to go 0-16, to fall into a state of unfathomable misery just to be rid of Reid forever. That's the kind of madness that awaits you, Chiefs fans. It seems like a rosier situation now. Soon, it will torture you like a constant drip of water to the forehead. The second you see Anthony Sherman get the ball on 4th-and-1 at the goal line, with Charles sitting on the sideline, you'll know what you're in for.

Time for me to say terrible things about Kansas City, a place I've never been to. All I'll say is that you could live like a god in Kansas City on about $15,000 a year. You could buy a nice house, own a car, have pleasant neighbors, and all that. But no one ever moves there because no one wants to be stuck in Kansas City for the rest of his life. You'd never see a body of water, or a hill, and you'd lose your dog to a tornado within the first five months.

Why your team doesn't suck: Have you met the Raiders and Chargers? Second place in the AFC West has never been more assured. You people should send Matt Flynn a cooler of Omaha Steaks.

The 11 worst Chiefs ever:
1) Brodie Croyle. BUT HIS WIFE WAS SUCH A HOT SLAMPIECE BRO I'D CRUSH THAT HIGH FIVE!
2) Belcher. Objectively speaking.
3) Ryan Sims. They managed to grab Sims while the Vikes were sleeping on the draft clock. Oh, I bet they felt like geniuses when they managed to draft him. WE GOT OUR GUY!
4) Sylvester Morris. FACT: The name of KC's mayor is Sly James. Sounds trustworthy!
5) Victor Riley
6) Dwayne T. Robinson. "Could be a ****ing bartender for all we know!"
7) Snoop Minnis. I can't tell you how disappointing it is for a football player named Snoop to not be good.
8) Tony Casillas
9) Matt Blundin
10) Herm Edwards
11) Todd Blackledge. This team does not excel at the quarterback selection process.

**007** · 08-20-2013, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Start Croyle

Really lame and below the belt for him to drag a a great team player like Croyle into his nonsense, unfunny humor piece. He had a positive attitude and his career was sabotaged by a bad coach!

Ace Gunner · 08-20-2013, 04:07 PM

"If they win 11 games, get bounced after one round due to a horrendous clock management error and no one dies, they'll have basically had their finest season of the new century"

oh holy hell

KCUnited · 08-20-2013, 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...efs-1172555831

Why your team doesn't suck:

Terrorhead

Pablo · 08-20-2013, 04:13 PM

Sigh. It would be funnier if it wasn't so goddamn spot-on.

Pablo · 08-20-2013, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Prison Bitch

No hills in KC? Yep, he's never been here.

He says as much in the piece.

WhawhaWhat · 08-20-2013, 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Prison Bitch

No hills in KC? Yep, he's never been here.

His knowledge of the KC landscape is Kansas. WTG Kansas.

Pablo · 08-20-2013, 04:22 PM

Yeah, forget all the valid points the guy makes about our sad franchise.

HE CALLED US FLATLANDERS!!!!!

PunkinDrublic · 08-20-2013, 04:26 PM

He went easy on the chiefs

OrtonsPiercedTaint · 08-20-2013, 05:01 PM

Anybody who has watched the Chiefs in the last 3 years. Can name 50 players worse than Victor Riley.

**Easy 6** · 08-20-2013, 05:06 PM

Lordy, when did Clay start writing for these guys?

GoChargers · 08-20-2013, 06:13 PM

They do this for every team, every year. The Chargers one is hilarious and sadly spot-on for the most part.

'Hamas' Jenkins · 08-20-2013, 06:53 PM

Why your team sucks: It's a measure of how far the Chiefs have fallen that the combination of Reid and Smith represents a COLOSSAL upgrade for the franchise. With Andy Reid as your coach and Alex Smith as your QB, you know damn well that you're aren't ever going to win a Super Bowl. But you won't completely suck, and that's about all the Chiefs can ask for at this point. If they win 11 games, get bounced after one round due to a horrendous clock management error and no one dies, they'll have basically had their finest season of the new century.

**Easy 6** · 08-20-2013, 07:21 PM

If we go 11-5, then there is nothing funny about the truefan gif... because its deserved.

2-14 to 11-5? yeah, that's worth growing a beergut and mullet over and celebrating, by any measure... no one was expecting Super Bowl this year, were they?

-King- · 08-20-2013, 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pablo

Yeah, forget all the valid points the guy makes about our sad franchise.

HE CALLED US FLATLANDERS!!!!!

You realize they're doing this with EVERY team right?

Psyko Tek · 08-20-2013, 07:31 PM

got no problem with that article, thinking will be an upgrade from crennel, and herm
but I do think Crazy odd could have done something

08-20-2013, 03:01 PM
BigRedChief Has a particular set of skills Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: On the water Casino cash: $2739627 VARSITY	Deadspin: Why the Chiefs suck http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...efs-1172555831 Your team: Kansas City Chiefs Your 2012 record: 2-14. I feel like that 2-14 needs a little typographical dagger symbol added to it (like so: 2-14†), with a footnote that explains that one of the team's starting linebackers killed his girlfriend and then shot himself to death in front of the team's general manager and head coach. I feel like that would both explain the 2-14 and let you know that, even among 2-14 seasons, this one was particularly difficult. Here is a reminder of the suicide from the Kansas City Star: Crennel raised both his hands, pleading with Belcher to put the gun down. “You’re taking the easy way out!” Crennel yelled. Belcher glanced at an approaching police officer, then knelt behind a minivan, made the sign of the cross on his chest with his left hand and fired a bullet into his head above his right ear. After the gunshot, Crennel slumped, dropped his hands and turned away from Belcher. Jesus. Jesus Christ. Why is the world so horrible? I don't want to go on knowing people can bear witness to something like this. By the way, Crennel and Pioli were both fired. Imagine how poorly you have to do to not get a grace period after watching someone commit suicide in front of you. Your coach: Andy Reid. And if Andy Reid chooses a black jacket for winter home games, I will feel beyond cheated. I want that man rocking a bright red puffy coat and looking like a tomato blimp on the sidelines. Anyway, Andy Reid is an experienced coach with an excellent reputation for building an organization from the ground up and a terrible reputation for freezing up at the exact wrong moment of an important game. It's a good thing Kansas City has never had a coach like that! I hope you fans enjoy watching Jamaal Charles (already hurt, by the way) inexplicably get fewer than 14 carries a game. Todd Haley certainly approves of that strategy. Your quarterback: Alex Smith. Holy shit, does this franchise have a compulsion for bringing in old 49er quarterbacks: Montana, Bono, Grbac. How Jeff Garcia eluded them is beyond me. The problem with Alex Smith is that, even when he's good, no one really believes he'll stay that way. He completed 70% of his passes last season for a stud team and STILL couldn't keep his job. There will always be a point at which Alex Smith turns back into Alex Smith. BUT WHEN? Don't keep me guessing, fella! Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: Dwayne Bowe. He could catch 15 TDs again. He could. The fact that he did once upon a time gives fantasy owners the illusion that he can do it twice. Somewhere, buried deep inside his brain, under all the Skittle wrappers, is the soul of a man who has the ability to catch 15 TDs. He even has a shiny new QB to help coax that fabulous player back out of the woodwork. But he'll never do it again, because he sucks. With Smith around, you could easily talk yourself into believing that Bowe will have a rebound year. And then Smith will develop a rapport with Donnie Avery instead and you will give MURDEREYES to Bowe any time you see him run a fade route two steps out of the back of the end zone. Why your team sucks: It's a measure of how far the Chiefs have fallen that the combination of Reid and Smith represents a COLOSSAL upgrade for the franchise. With Andy Reid as your coach and Alex Smith as your QB, you know damn well that you're aren't ever going to win a Super Bowl. But you won't completely suck, and that's about all the Chiefs can ask for at this point. If they win 11 games, get bounced after one round due to a horrendous clock management error and no one dies, they'll have basically had their finest season of the new century. The problem is that the Chiefs are now locked in for at least three more years of this kind of bland, ultimately pointless competence. Go ask Eagles fans how much they enjoyed "winning" with Andy Reid in charge. By the end of Reid's tenure in Philly, Eagles fans were BEGGING to go 0-16, to fall into a state of unfathomable misery just to be rid of Reid forever. That's the kind of madness that awaits you, Chiefs fans. It seems like a rosier situation now. Soon, it will torture you like a constant drip of water to the forehead. The second you see Anthony Sherman get the ball on 4th-and-1 at the goal line, with Charles sitting on the sideline, you'll know what you're in for. Time for me to say terrible things about Kansas City, a place I've never been to. All I'll say is that you could live like a god in Kansas City on about $15,000 a year. You could buy a nice house, own a car, have pleasant neighbors, and all that. But no one ever moves there because no one wants to be stuck in Kansas City for the rest of his life. You'd never see a body of water, or a hill, and you'd lose your dog to a tornado within the first five months. Why your team doesn't suck: Have you met the Raiders and Chargers? Second place in the AFC West has never been more assured. You people should send Matt Flynn a cooler of Omaha Steaks. The 11 worst Chiefs ever: 1) Brodie Croyle. BUT HIS WIFE WAS SUCH A HOT SLAMPIECE BRO I'D CRUSH THAT HIGH FIVE! 2) Belcher. Objectively speaking. 3) Ryan Sims. They managed to grab Sims while the Vikes were sleeping on the draft clock. Oh, I bet they felt like geniuses when they managed to draft him. WE GOT OUR GUY! 4) Sylvester Morris. FACT: The name of KC's mayor is Sly James. Sounds trustworthy! 5) Victor Riley 6) Dwayne T. Robinson. "Could be a ****ing bartender for all we know!" 7) Snoop Minnis. I can't tell you how disappointing it is for a football player named Snoop to not be good. 8) Tony Casillas 9) Matt Blundin 10) Herm Edwards 11) Todd Blackledge. This team does not excel at the quarterback selection process.
Posts: 79,277

08-20-2013, 04:07 PM	#47
Ace Gunner First Overall Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: kcmo Casino cash: $10007271	"If they win 11 games, get bounced after one round due to a horrendous clock management error and no one dies, they'll have basically had their finest season of the new century" oh holy hell __________________ The Greatest
Posts: 10,580

08-20-2013, 04:13 PM	#49
Pablo Ultrabanned Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: KCMO Casino cash: $1619356	Sigh. It would be funnier if it wasn't so goddamn spot-on.
Posts: 40,718

08-20-2013, 04:22 PM	#52
Pablo Ultrabanned Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: KCMO Casino cash: $1619356	Yeah, forget all the valid points the guy makes about our sad franchise. HE CALLED US FLATLANDERS!!!!!
Posts: 40,718

08-20-2013, 04:26 PM	#53
PunkinDrublic Stay down bitch! Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Plano, TX Casino cash: $6240670	He went easy on the chiefs __________________ Disappointing my parents since 1976
Posts: 9,197

08-20-2013, 05:01 PM	#54
OrtonsPiercedTaint MVP Join Date: Dec 2012 Casino cash: $10004980	Anybody who has watched the Chiefs in the last 3 years. Can name 50 players worse than Victor Riley.
Posts: 5,994

08-20-2013, 05:06 PM	#55
Easy 6 pie is never free Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: the drivers seat Casino cash: $3327775	Lordy, when did Clay start writing for these guys?
Posts: 92,121

08-20-2013, 06:13 PM	#56
GoChargers Dean Spanos is a Traitor Join Date: Oct 2012 Casino cash: $10013554	They do this for every team, every year. The Chargers one is hilarious and sadly spot-on for the most part. __________________ Disclaimer: my username refers to the SAN DIEGO Chargers only. I will never cheer for the LA Chargers as long as the Spanos family owns the team.
Posts: 3,620

08-20-2013, 06:53 PM	#57
'Hamas' Jenkins Now you've pissed me off! Join Date: Jan 2006 Casino cash: $7939572	Why your team sucks: It's a measure of how far the Chiefs have fallen that the combination of Reid and Smith represents a COLOSSAL upgrade for the franchise. With Andy Reid as your coach and Alex Smith as your QB, you know damn well that you're aren't ever going to win a Super Bowl. But you won't completely suck, and that's about all the Chiefs can ask for at this point. If they win 11 games, get bounced after one round due to a horrendous clock management error and no one dies, they'll have basically had their finest season of the new century. __________________ "When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read 'all men are created equal, except negroes, and foreigners, and Catholics.' When it comes to this I should prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretense of loving liberty – to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure, and without the base alloy of hypocrisy.”--Abraham Lincoln
Posts: 74,855

08-20-2013, 07:21 PM	#58
Easy 6 pie is never free Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: the drivers seat Casino cash: $3327775	If we go 11-5, then there is nothing funny about the truefan gif... because its deserved. 2-14 to 11-5? yeah, that's worth growing a beergut and mullet over and celebrating, by any measure... no one was expecting Super Bowl this year, were they?
Posts: 92,121

08-20-2013, 07:31 PM	#60
Psyko Tek special teams Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Mesa AZ Casino cash: $10015665	got no problem with that article, thinking will be an upgrade from crennel, and herm but I do think Crazy odd could have done something __________________ Psyko Tek The keyboard has been drinking,
Posts: 12,018