Funny Stuff Clean jokes can be funny too! - Page 30

Frankie · 05:17 PM

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

Rooster · 01-25-2008, 08:50 AM

A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave.

While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told
the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his
cheeks.

The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer.
"Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave." The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face.

"Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!" He put the ball in the left
side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with
muffled voice asked, "Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"

The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow. That's what most guys do."

Frankie · 01-25-2008, 09:24 AM

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband. "

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription ."

Frankie · 01-29-2008, 03:47 PM

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to th e door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

Rooster · 01-29-2008, 04:02 PM

Sammy was up to his eyes in money troubles and could see no way out except winning the lottery. He went to the synagogue and prayed to win. At the next draw he waited confidently, but was disappointed.

He returned to the synagogue and prayed again, pointing out that he had lived an exemplary life, devoutly observing dietary laws, and contributing to Jewish charities. Still at the next draw he didn't win.

He returned to the synagogue close to despair, but before he could find the words a voice spoke to him out of the clouds: "OK, you want to win the lottery. But please, meet me halfway. Buy a ticket."

greg63 · 01-29-2008, 05:15 PM

greg63 · 01-29-2008, 05:21 PM

A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL,
SAID, "HELLO, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.
I'D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE."
THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID,
"WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?"
SHE SAID, "SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302.""I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION."
"3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"
"I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302."
"JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.
OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE'S HAD TWO FULL MEALS,
HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE
AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE'S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O' CLOCK."
THE WOMAN SAID," THANK GOD!
THAT'S WONDERFUL"
OH! THAT'S FANTASTIC.
THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS! "
THE NURSE SAID," FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!""NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302!
AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!"

stonedstooge · 01-29-2008, 09:31 PM

When my grandmother passed away we traveled up to the services that were held in Lidgerwood, North Dakota. We were from Missouri so were able to get up there a little before the visitation started. So people were visiting and the preacher finally got up and said a prayer and then asked if anyone would like to make a comment or tell a story relating the Lucille, my grandmother. He waited for a time, there were probably 25 people there and nobody spoke up so he said a few more things and then ended the visitation with a prayer. Now I'm no expert on funerals and have not attended as many as I should have as I have been one that shies away from funerals and visitations.
I went up to the Funeral Home Director after the minister had finished and told him I feel kind of bad that no one said anything when he opened the floor for comments. I asked him if it was common for nothing to be said and he replied:

Well we were doing a service in an adjoining town in this county and the minister did just the same thing and said "Does anyone have any comments or stories that they have about John that they would like to share with the group" and sat down. No body said anything and the minister waited for a time, a time that was starting to make people kind of uncomfortable when he finally got back up and said " Now surely someone has a fond memory or funny story, something they can relate to us about our dearly beloved John that has passed on." Having said that he again returned to his seat. Again nobody rose to speak and this time the minister waited for a good 4 to 5 minutes for someone to speak up and was clearly getting upset with the group. He finally got angry and got back up to the pulpit and said "Ladies and gentlemen we are not going anywhere until someone says something good about our dearly beloved John. Surely someone has something good or nice they can say about John. All of you people knew him and he was a part of your life so someone is going to speak!" The minister was still angry as he sat back down and waited for someone in the group to speak. Finally from the back of the room a man spoke up and said "His brudder was worse than he was." I thought I was going to die laughing. The funeral director also cracked up and was laughing along with me. Probably a joke at one of his funeral home directors meetings that was used but he had me going for a time.

Monty · 01-30-2008, 04:47 PM

PostalChief · 01-30-2008, 06:04 PM

A mom is cleaning her teenage son's room and finds a kinky S&M magazine. Later, when the dad comes home from work, she's right there at the doorstep with the magazine.
"Look at this. I found this in his room today. What are we going to do?!" The dad replies "Well, we can't spank him."

ROYC75 · 01-30-2008, 06:31 PM

Two tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing
in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between
them, and the Beech says to the Birch, "Is that
a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?" The Birch says
he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling. The Birch says, "Woodpecker,
you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of
a Beech or a son of a Birch?" The woodpecker takes
a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch. It is,
however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my
pecker in."

SPchief · 01-30-2008, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ROYC75

Two tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing
in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between
them, and the Beech says to the Birch, "Is that
a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?" The Birch says
he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling. The Birch says, "Woodpecker,
you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of
a Beech or a son of a Birch?" The woodpecker takes
a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch. It is,
however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my
pecker in."

bkkcoh · 01-31-2008, 07:45 AM

A United States Marine, who had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan, was attending some college courses between assignments. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, " Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor and socked him hard, knocking him off the platform! The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken. He looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like a fool. So, He sent me."

Rooster · 02-01-2008, 02:40 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART :
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL : nuts...............................
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES :
I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON :
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens

Extra Point · 02-02-2008, 01:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greg63

A horse walks into a bar and the bar tender says: "So, why the long face?"

"Toyota sales are down for some odd reason, barkeep."

bkkcoh · 02-07-2008, 07:31 AM

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I' d like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Clean jokes can be funny too! Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them. Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. Last edited by Frankie; 07-10-2011 at 05:17 PM..
Posts: 26,959

01-25-2008, 08:50 AM	#436
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave." The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face. "Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!" He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with muffled voice asked, "Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?" The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow. That's what most guys do." __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

01-25-2008, 09:24 AM	#437
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband. " The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription ."
Posts: 26,959

01-29-2008, 03:47 PM	#438
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to th e door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
Posts: 26,959

01-29-2008, 04:02 PM	#439
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	Sammy was up to his eyes in money troubles and could see no way out except winning the lottery. He went to the synagogue and prayed to win. At the next draw he waited confidently, but was disappointed. He returned to the synagogue and prayed again, pointing out that he had lived an exemplary life, devoutly observing dietary laws, and contributing to Jewish charities. Still at the next draw he didn't win. He returned to the synagogue close to despair, but before he could find the words a voice spoke to him out of the clouds: "OK, you want to win the lottery. But please, meet me halfway. Buy a ticket." __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

01-29-2008, 05:15 PM	#440
greg63 Homer go crazy!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: SE Kansas Casino cash: $9124990	__________________
Posts: 17,622

01-29-2008, 05:21 PM	#441
greg63 Homer go crazy!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: SE Kansas Casino cash: $9124990	A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL, SAID, "HELLO, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS. I'D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE." THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID, "WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?" SHE SAID, "SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302.""I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION." "3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?" "I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302." "JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS. OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE'S HAD TWO FULL MEALS, HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE'S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O' CLOCK." THE WOMAN SAID," THANK GOD! THAT'S WONDERFUL" OH! THAT'S FANTASTIC. THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS! " THE NURSE SAID," FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!""NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302! AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!" __________________
Posts: 17,622

01-29-2008, 09:31 PM	#442
stonedstooge Arf! Arf! Arf! Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: North Casino cash: $5714173	True Joke When my grandmother passed away we traveled up to the services that were held in Lidgerwood, North Dakota. We were from Missouri so were able to get up there a little before the visitation started. So people were visiting and the preacher finally got up and said a prayer and then asked if anyone would like to make a comment or tell a story relating the Lucille, my grandmother. He waited for a time, there were probably 25 people there and nobody spoke up so he said a few more things and then ended the visitation with a prayer. Now I'm no expert on funerals and have not attended as many as I should have as I have been one that shies away from funerals and visitations. I went up to the Funeral Home Director after the minister had finished and told him I feel kind of bad that no one said anything when he opened the floor for comments. I asked him if it was common for nothing to be said and he replied: Well we were doing a service in an adjoining town in this county and the minister did just the same thing and said "Does anyone have any comments or stories that they have about John that they would like to share with the group" and sat down. No body said anything and the minister waited for a time, a time that was starting to make people kind of uncomfortable when he finally got back up and said " Now surely someone has a fond memory or funny story, something they can relate to us about our dearly beloved John that has passed on." Having said that he again returned to his seat. Again nobody rose to speak and this time the minister waited for a good 4 to 5 minutes for someone to speak up and was clearly getting upset with the group. He finally got angry and got back up to the pulpit and said "Ladies and gentlemen we are not going anywhere until someone says something good about our dearly beloved John. Surely someone has something good or nice they can say about John. All of you people knew him and he was a part of your life so someone is going to speak!" The minister was still angry as he sat back down and waited for someone in the group to speak. Finally from the back of the room a man spoke up and said "His brudder was worse than he was." I thought I was going to die laughing. The funeral director also cracked up and was laughing along with me. Probably a joke at one of his funeral home directors meetings that was used but he had me going for a time. __________________ 2013 ADOPT A CHIEF Eric Kush "Often is a word I seldom use"--JP
Posts: 25,285

01-30-2008, 04:47 PM	#443
Monty Award Winning Tailgater Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $1981570
Posts: 3,917

01-30-2008, 06:04 PM	#444
PostalChief Always Rings Twice Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Omaha Casino cash: $10004900	A mom is cleaning her teenage son's room and finds a kinky S&M magazine. Later, when the dad comes home from work, she's right there at the doorstep with the magazine. "Look at this. I found this in his room today. What are we going to do?!" The dad replies "Well, we can't spank him." __________________ Old School...zero option.
Posts: 361

01-30-2008, 06:31 PM	#445
ROYC75 Time For Your Wake Up Call !!! Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Barn Yard Casino cash: $5319400	The tale of 2 trees ......... Two tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the Beech says to the Birch, "Is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?" The Birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The Birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch. It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in." __________________ Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it. John Lennon
Posts: 37,026

01-31-2008, 07:45 AM	#447
bkkcoh MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lewis Center, Ohio USA Casino cash: $9805595	A United States Marine, who had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan, was attending some college courses between assignments. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, " Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor and socked him hard, knocking him off the platform! The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken. He looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like a fool. So, He sent me." __________________ Brian K. Aspire to Inspire before you Expire
Posts: 5,506

02-01-2008, 02:40 PM	#448
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	Why did the chicken cross the road? DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL : nuts............................... Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE: I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one? DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun? AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

02-07-2008, 07:31 AM	#450
bkkcoh MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lewis Center, Ohio USA Casino cash: $9805595	WOMEN'S ENGLISH 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I' d like to have sex with you 11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay __________________ Brian K. Aspire to Inspire before you Expire
Posts: 5,506