Personal advice sought, v. II.

[Direckshun]

I started a personal advice thread that you guys, god bless ya'll, were kind enough to sincerely offer some words of advice.

The thread featured a friend of mine, well a couple friends of mine who are married to one another. The dude, whom I met them through, is cheating on the girl. My friends had for a while slowly started learning about this, and I picked up the news through the grapevine as well.

I talked to a lot of people, ChiefsPlanet included, about what to do. Do I confront my friend the cheater, calling him out privately and telling him to get his act together, or allow the situation to work itself out as if I saw/heard nothing.

Your advice, overwhelmingly, was to "stay out of it."

Well let me approach the issue from the other side.

As I said, I am friends with both of these individuals, including the chick who for all I know is living under the impression that her husband is loyal.

Here's the question: if I do not have an obligation to step in and tell him to cut his shit out, do I NOT have an obligation to alert her to the situation?

I mean it. **** my male friend -- if my woman was cheating on me and my friends ****ing knew about it, wouldn't it be the all-time dick move not to tell me? For them to continue hanging out with me, allowing me to persist believing in something that isn't happening?

Wouldn't you want your friends to tell you if they knew? Or would you prefer them to stay out of it -- even if they knew.

Thanks in advance for the round of advice.

Matter of fact, if your advice is to "stay out of it," I want you to answer this question:

Would you prefer your friends NOT to tell you if they knew your significant other was cheating on you?

[bishop_74]

Is she in danger of contracting a disease from this douche? Is she REALLY your friend? That should answer your question.

[bogey]

I would pull him aside and let him know that people are suspecting something is up and are talking. I would let him know that if he's not careful someone is going to spill the beans. Then I would back out. Something similar happened to me. My first wife cheated on me. I saw all the signs and chose to not believe it. When I confronted my friends, there advise was to pay attention to the signs. When I confronted her, she admitted the truth.

[CoMoChief]

From looking at the other side of it......yes you would want someone to tell you.

But the position that YOU ARE IN NOW, its best to stay out of it. Act like you don't know anything about it.

[TrebMaxx]

I would stay out of it. I base my suggestion on experience. My best friend from school days and beyond was cheating on his wife who also happened to be friends with the Mrs. and I. I tried to talk sense to him, tried to convince him that he had a family (2 kids) he was responsible for, blah, blah. Said some things about who he was stepping out with that I regret now, but I felt strongly I was trying to save their marriage. I was naive. Basically, it ruined our friendship. Things aren't just the same and it has been years since we have gotten together.

[wild1]

Originally Posted by CoMoChief

From looking at the other side of it......yes you would want someone to tell you.

But the position that YOU ARE IN NOW, its best to stay out of it. Act like you don't know anything about it.

dishonesty is always the best policy.

[Jilly]

I still want my question answered.....that way I can make an informed decision.

[DeezNutz]

Originally Posted by Jilly

I still want my question answered.....that way I can make an informed decision.

Even if it were true, you're not going to get that response.

[Jilly]

Originally Posted by DeezNutz

Even if it were true, you're not going to get that response.

yeah, that's prob true, but whatever is motivating him makes a big difference...imo

[DeezNutz]

Originally Posted by Jilly

yeah, that's prob true, but whatever is motivating him makes a big difference...imo

What do you suspicion is the primary motivation?

[luv]

Originally Posted by Jilly

I still want my question answered.....that way I can make an informed decision.

D just got engaged not too long ago. If he's trying to hook up with the wife, then he'd be a major hypocrite.

[Jilly]

Originally Posted by DeezNutz

What do you suspicion is the primary motivation?

Well, apparently he is engaged....so apparently that rules that out...apparently.

Soooo.....heretofore, my answer would then be.... talk to your f-in friend, dude and ask him why he's cheating.

[Coogs]

If you have to confront him about it, do it suttely. Have a guys day out. Golfing or something. Something where there are good looking gals and beer around. A setting that will allow some good old "man talk" like "check that gal out. Damn... she's fine. I'd like to jump her... how about you?" Let it lead into some other gals from you two guys past. And when you get to the particular gal in question, say "Oh man... how about ______? I would love to jump her."

You will probably know from his response weather to pursue the matter, or move on to another gal. And have another gal in mind in case you need to advance the conversation quickly.

And who knows, maybe even a week or two later, he may confide in you about the situation. But be patient... and let him bring the situation to the forefront after you have led him there. Play stupid if he goes there... whenever that may be.

And if he never goes there... follow the other peoples advise and do not confront him/or her with the news.

[Jilly]

Originally Posted by Coogs

If you have to confront him about it, do it suttely. Have a guys day out. Golfing or something. Something where there are good looking gals and beer around. A setting that will allow some good old "man talk" like "check that gal out. Damn... she's fine. I'd like to jump her... how about you?" Let it lead into some other gals from you two guys past. And when you get to the particular gal in question, say "Oh man... how about ______? I would love to jump her."

You will probably know from his response weather to pursue the matter, or move on to another gal. And have another gal in mind in case you need to advance the conversation quickly.

And who knows, maybe even a week or two later, he may confide in you about the situation. But be patient... and let him bring the situation to the forefront after you have led him there. Play stupid if he goes there... whenever that may be.

And if he never goes there... follow the other peoples advise and do not confront him/or her with the news.

Why can't he ask just straight out? "dude, why the hell are you ****ing another chick?"

[DeezNutz]

Originally Posted by Coogs

If you have to confront him about it, do it suttely. Have a guys day out. Golfing or something. Something where there are good looking gals and beer around. A setting that will allow some good old "man talk" like "check that gal out. Damn... she's fine. I'd like to jump her... how about you?" Let it lead into some other gals from you two guys past. And when you get to the particular gal in question, say "Oh man... how about ______? I would love to jump her."

Why do you want to rob all these women? That just doesn't seem right...

[Fat Elvis]

Originally Posted by eazyb81

The point is that you need to understand that different people will take this type of news in different ways, and some will react negatively if they are insecure and lack self esteem. Give careful consideration to whether giving your friend this info is worth potentially losing a friendship.

Any friendship that doesn't have honesty as the foundation really isn't much of a friendship in my book. Some folks like having a large quantity of friends; myself, I prefer quality.