need advice with family issue

[patteeu]

Originally Posted by tooge

Well, I don't trust him, and I'm not the one that caused all of this, so why should I have to "choose" to go and be uncomfortable just to be at thanksgiving for my mom. The guy knows how I feel, and if I were him, I'd stay away for a day or two and give the rest of us some time. Of course, I don't beat women either.

You would be there right? Are you worried that he might overpower you and light into your mom or your kids while you're licking your wounds? This just has the ring of rationalization to me. Your mom didn't take your advice and it irks you. If you're too uncomfortable, then by all means stay home. But let's be clear that you're putting your feelings ahead of your mom's if you make that choice.

If this guy is really a serious, imminent threat to your mom or anyone who shows up at Thanksgiving, then maybe you and your siblings should be holding an intervention instead of worrying about where to have Thanksgiving.

[tooge]

Originally Posted by patteeu

You would be there right? Are you worried that he might overpower you and light into your mom or your kids while you're licking your wounds? This just has the ring of rationalization to me. Your mom didn't take your advice and it irks you. If you're too uncomfortable, then by all means stay home. But let's be clear that you're putting your feelings ahead of your mom's if you make that choice.

If this guy is really a serious, imminent threat to your mom or anyone who shows up at Thanksgiving, then maybe you and your siblings should be holding an intervention instead of worrying about where to have Thanksgiving.

Nah, I'm not worried about danger to my family or anything like that. I'm hoping the guy gets help. I'm just not over it yet, and I don't think a person changes in 4 weeks. Not worried about being overpowered either. I wish my mother could see it from my side.

[Amnorix]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.

Originally Posted by patteeu

I like this approach best of the ones posted so far. As long as your mother wants him there, I don't know why you (tooge, not Rain Man) think it's a good thing to put her in a position of having to choose between the two of you.

I'm with these two.

[T-post Tom]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.

This is the answer.

[ModSocks]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.

This.

You're a man. Don't worry about the confrontation if there is one, you'll respond properly anyway im sure.

[HemiEd]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.

This, you need to support her while you can.

[Rasputin]

This is tough situation for you sorry you have to deal with that asshole. That is all he is. Sure he can be kind one minute but the next you just never know. I know people can change but it doesn't sound like he will even if he puts on a good show for the family. When he is alone with your mom that is when he will revert back to abuse. I can just tell that's what is going on.

Got to protect your mom somehow.

[seclark]

Originally Posted by KC Tattoo

Got to protect your mom somehow.

he can't protect her if she's allowing this guy back into her house. it's on her.
sec

[okoye35chiefs]

last thing you want to do is have your kids see you do something silly by going.

Stick to what you think is right...

[Dartgod]

Originally Posted by tooge

I applaud her, tell her I'm there for her...

Are you?

I don't know what your relationship with your mom is like, but if you are really "there for her" then you should be there.

[Nzoner]

Originally Posted by Dartgod

Are you?

I don't know what your relationship with your mom is like, but if you are really "there for her" then you should be there.

I agree with this,however find out what his favorite dessert is and have your mrs make a special antifreeze treat just for him.

[htismaqe]

Originally Posted by Dartgod

Are you?

I don't know what your relationship with your mom is like, but if you are really "there for her" then you should be there.

And enable her?

I don't agree.

[tooge]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

And enable her?

I don't agree.

Thats really where I'm coming from. I have a good relationship with my mom. Unfortunatley, we are almost too much alike and can be hard headed toward each other. I feel if I give in here, then I've set precedent. Not to mention, she's been with the guy for a year and a half, and said he's been abusive for the past year. She just told me 4 weeks ago. I've got ZERO trust for this guy. Unfortunately, the part of my mother that I felt secure about died along with my dad.

[Chiefshrink]

Originally Posted by htismaqe

And enable her?

I don't agree.

This

You mom is a classic co-dependent who is dating an alcoholic who really thinks he doesn't have a problem and is just going through the motions right now because the heat is on. Your mom has cleaned up a lot of this guy's messes already I'm guessing and now she expects you to go along as well. But your boundary setting has exposed her selfish insecurity of having a man at all cost So much so that she verbally abuses her own kids when they disagree with her(e.g. YOU) Co-dependency from the family and friends of the addict involved can be sooooooooo sick at times.

Stay the course if you want your Mom to truly see her behavior for what it is and eventually get better. It will get ugly and will take time, but you will have to let her lie in her own messy bed she has created in order for her to realize for herself that she actually needs to change and not others . There are no guarantees and she may not get better. It will be tempting at times to give in and take care of her by not sticking to your boundaries because it is very difficult as a son not to step in and take care of MOM.

But you see, the co-dependent hates healthy boundaries and literally takes on the same 'personality of manipulation' just like the addict but without physically taking drugs/alcohol. The co-dependent is addicted to feeling responsible for everyone's actions and especially their emotional well being. She is trying to get you to feel responsible for her feelings while she already feels responsible for her alcoholic BF's feelings. And the endless cycle of co-dependent dysfunction just keeps metastasizing from one family generation to the next family generation.

Did your father or grandfather have drinking problems ?? Because this stuff is sooooo generational.

[memyselfI]

Originally Posted by Chiefshrink

This

You mom is a classic co-dependent who is dating an alcoholic who really thinks he doesn't have a problem and is just going through the motions right now because the heat is on. Your mom has cleaned up a lot of this guy's messes already I'm guessing and now she expects you to go along as well. But your boundary setting has exposed her selfish insecurity of having a man at all cost So much so that she verbally abuses her own kids when they disagree with her(e.g. YOU) Co-dependency from the family and friends of the addict involved can be sooooooooo sick at times.

Stay the course if you want your Mom to truly see her behavior for what it is and eventually get better. It will get ugly and will take time, but you will have to let her lie in her own messy bed she has created in order for her to realize for herself that she actually needs to change and not others . There are no guarantees and she may not get better. It will be tempting at times to give in and take care of her by not sticking to your boundaries because it is very difficult as a son not to step in and take care of MOM.

But you see, the co-dependent hates healthy boundaries and literally takes on the same 'personality of manipulation' just like the addict but without physically taking drugs/alcohol. The co-dependent is addicted to feeling responsible for everyone's actions and especially their emotional well being. She is trying to get you to feel responsible for her feelings while she already feels responsible for her alcoholic BF's feelings. And the endless cycle of co-dependent dysfunction just keeps metastasizing from one family generation to the next family generation.

Did your father or grandfather have drinking problems ?? Because this stuff is sooooo generational.

Another outstanding post.

The guilt, shame, and manipulation tactic she used to try to conjole Tooge into attending the Thanksgiving dinner is classic codependent.

Her late husband may have 'treated her like a queen' but these behaviors don't just manifest overnight. Not to mention, that if she had healthy boundaries she would see red flags in the relationship and would have left way before it escalated into abusive. People who stay in these relationships have been conditioned by some sort of previous experience to them. There is a certain 'comfort level' which doesn't exist with people who have not be predisposed to stay in an abusive relationship. Maybe her own parents had this type of relationship.

Healthy people, even if incredibly lonely, don't stay in abusive relationships, period.