Funny Stuff 10 holiday eating tips

Hammock Parties · 12-22-2010, 03:22 PM

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare... You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!!

Jenson71 · 12-22-2010, 03:37 PM

Every year, I always want egg nog. So I buy a quart, take a sip, remember how disgusting it is, and throw the rest out.

I think I'll buy some later tonight.

ModSocks · 12-22-2010, 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenson71

Every year, I always want egg nog. So I buy a quart, take a sip, remember how disgusting it is, and throw the rest out.

I think I'll buy some later tonight.

I did the same thing for awhile.

Then I realized that the shit sold in stores is not eggnog. It's vomit.

Try making it yourself with fresh ingredients. That's eggnog.

Chief Chief · 12-22-2010, 03:40 PM

With Tip #3 above being the exception, my Holiday Eating Tips list is quite different. But...well...my GF's surname is Holiday, so that's probably why.

salame · 12-22-2010, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenson71

Every year, I always want egg nog. So I buy a quart, take a sip, remember how disgusting it is, and throw the rest out.

I think I'll buy some later tonight.

I did this a week ago lol

Stewie · 12-22-2010, 03:54 PM

Mashed potatoes at the holidays should be made with half and half at a minimum. Whole milk in mashers is for pussies.

Hog's Gone Fishin · 12-22-2010, 04:33 PM

I always have eggnog on Christmas morning. Of course it mixed with Beefeater but hey, It's Christmas.

**Slainte** · 12-22-2010, 04:52 PM

So which cast member of "The View" wrote this when she was feeling particularly jaunty?

Dante84 · 12-22-2010, 05:33 PM

My boss got a quart of eggnog and polished it off in one day last week. So gross.

He's also not obese, so that's even more confusing.

LaChapelle · 12-22-2010, 05:45 PM

They should really make chocolate eggnog
they you can drunk **** grandmas too

stlchiefs · 12-22-2010, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaChapelle

They should really make chocolate eggnog
they you can drunk **** grandmas too

They do. I also saw pumpkin and strawberry at the grocery store too. I like eggnog, but those other flavors sound gross. Stick with the original.

Hammock Parties · 12-22-2010, 07:56 PM

Whoa, they have chocolate eggnog?

What's it like?

I don't even like regular eggnog but that sounds good.

Hoover · 12-22-2010, 08:13 PM

You just don't know how to make good glazed carrots. Bacon and pecans make them a great sweet and savory side dish.

**mlyonsd** · 12-22-2010, 08:52 PM

Quote:

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

Uhh, if you don't make holiday mashed potatoes with real butter and real cream you're a DA and should have your kitchen pass revoked.

**alnorth** · 12-22-2010, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenson71

Every year, I always want egg nog. So I buy a quart, take a sip, remember how disgusting it is, and throw the rest out.

I think I'll buy some later tonight.

Thats... that is just wrong. If you dont like it, dont buy it, you are driving up the price for people like me who actually love it. The only reason I dont drink a glass every day is because I know how horrible it is for my health, but I do go nuts at christmas.

Eggnog... mmmmm.....

12-22-2010, 03:22 PM
Hammock Parties I'll be back. Join Date: Nov 2002 Casino cash: $4560478	10 holiday eating tips 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare... You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. *If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.* 8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. *Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some* standards. 10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a great holiday season!!**
Posts: 278,348

12-22-2010, 03:37 PM	#2
Jenson71 fides quaerens intellectum Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: United States Casino cash: $8330900	Every year, I always want egg nog. So I buy a quart, take a sip, remember how disgusting it is, and throw the rest out. I think I'll buy some later tonight.
Posts: 15,986

12-22-2010, 03:40 PM	#4
Chief Chief Veteran Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Kansas City MO Casino cash: $10004900	With Tip #3 above being the exception, my Holiday Eating Tips list is quite different. But...well...my GF's surname is Holiday, so that's probably why.
Posts: 3,072

12-22-2010, 03:54 PM	#6
Stewie MVP Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: West of the Equator Casino cash: $1759901	Mashed potatoes at the holidays should be made with half and half at a minimum. Whole milk in mashers is for pussies.
Posts: 13,622

12-22-2010, 04:33 PM	#7
Hog's Gone Fishin Fish are scared of me Join Date: Nov 2001 Casino cash: $1560477	I always have eggnog on Christmas morning. Of course it mixed with Beefeater but hey, It's Christmas.
Posts: 40,370

12-22-2010, 04:52 PM	#8
Slainte Please speak your mind Join Date: Feb 2006 Casino cash: $10010402	So which cast member of "The View" wrote this when she was feeling particularly jaunty? __________________ And the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations Revelation 22:2
Posts: 3,251

12-22-2010, 05:33 PM	#9
Dante84 Tossed Salad & Scrambled Eggs Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: ATX & OPKS Casino cash: $1631996 VARSITY	My boss got a quart of eggnog and polished it off in one day last week. So gross. He's also not obese, so that's even more confusing. __________________ ..
Posts: 19,750

12-22-2010, 05:45 PM	#10
LaChapelle Banned Join Date: Mar 2009 Casino cash: $10004900	They should really make chocolate eggnog they you can drunk **** grandmas too
Posts: 8,588

12-22-2010, 07:56 PM	#12
Hammock Parties I'll be back. Join Date: Nov 2002 Casino cash: $4560478	Whoa, they have chocolate eggnog? What's it like? I don't even like regular eggnog but that sounds good. __________________ Chiefs game films
Posts: 278,348

12-22-2010, 08:13 PM	#13
Hoover Rufus Dawes Jr. Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $1508179	You just don't know how to make good glazed carrots. Bacon and pecans make them a great sweet and savory side dish.
Posts: 17,376