Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female

[wutamess]

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

[MOhillbilly]

Shame is a powerfull weapon. Extra duty, grounding, setting the punishment and making it stick.

[Fairplay]

Watching all those episodes of Ward and June Cleaver handling issues with their kids paid off down the road.

[mcan]

I haven't read the responses, but overall I like the fact that you were straight up with your daughter about a lot of serious issues. But you HAVE to be careful. Some of what you said can seriously **** a girls LONG TERM sex life up. These are her formative years. And shaming her into thinking that sex is dangerous and wrong and all boys are monsters might relieve you from the stress of the short term. Might even "save her" from some potentially bad decisions and consequences. But you also run the risk of stunting her personal develpment and giving her some serious issues, which she might resent you for later, if she gets over them.

[tooge]

whew. sorry, no advice for you. I'm just glad 2012 gets here before my daughter turns 13. If the world doesn't end, then I'm hoping someone much better at dealing with teenage girls comes along and teaches me how to do it. Good luck

[suzzer99]

Just show an interest in her life, build her self-esteem as much as you possibly can, keep her involved in sports and/or other positive activities that she likes, and pray she doesn't fall in with the wrong boyfriend or crowd. But if you do the first 3 things right, the chances of the 4th will be much lowered.

[mcan]

Just don't lie to kids about sex and you'll be fine. Your job as a parent (imo) is to PREPARE a kid for adulthood. Let them know what YOUR idea of a healthy sex life is, and what age you atarted and what age you wished you'd have started and why. Tell them about how excited or embarrassed you were. Tell them all the bad and good advice you got and what you learned and how. Unfortunately, your sons and daughters have to start someday, as painful as it might be. You just want to make sure they start off on the right foot so they're future love life will be healthy and fun and safe. Tell them how common stds are and why (make sure YOU know the real information though). Tell them about pregnancy and the very REAL risk of getting into a bad spot if they aren't careful. Talk to them about alcohol!

Overall the idea should be, "becoming an adult is a lot of fun if you pace yourself. If you hurry the process you might look back and regret it. Not because 'adult' things are BAD, they're actually really great, but because they come with responsibilities and consequences that a 13 or 14 year old isn't ready for."

[el borracho]

Try to drive home two points, IMO:

1. Guys lie to get what they want
2. Most girls wish they had waited

Disclaimer: I have no children

[Rausch]

Originally Posted by el borracho

Try to drive home two points, IMO:

1. ALL Guys lie to get what they want
2. Most girls wish they had waited

Disclaimer: I have no children

FYP

I do have kids.

And soon to be 4 grandkids.

Still the best advice...

[suzzer99]

Originally Posted by el borracho

Try to drive home two points, IMO:

1. Guys lie to get what they want
2. Most girls wish they had waited

Disclaimer: I have no children

Oh yeah. I ingrained "men are pigs" at a young age until she would just repeat it by rote every time she told me about something stupid a boy had done. "Right, and what did I tell you?" "I know... men are pigs."

The first time I really drove home the point was when she was in like 8th grade. She and her friend served a bunch of littler kids ice cream at an elementary school talent show. She was totally annoyed by the boys who would build some concoction with all the toppings, take one bite and decide they didn't like it, then throw it away and come back for more.

I told her yep, you are seeing boys in their base element right there. And they will do the same thing to you if you let them.