Football The Onion's 2010 NFL Season Preview

**RealSNR** · 09-07-2010, 02:47 PM

Go to the link for all the teams. Here's the AFCW

http://www.theonion.com/articles/oni...18023/?slide=4

Denver Broncos

Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary

Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks

Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book

Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the Colts

Oakland Raiders

Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air

Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster ****ing sucks

Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games

Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?

San Diego Chargers

Strength: Unmatched at dominating the competition all season long and then dramatically losing in their first playoff game

Weakness: Nate Kaeding purposely kicks field goals wide right or left, as he hates football

Intangibles: Injuries on both sides of the ball continue to hurt the Chargers as players get stabbed with the points or slam the wide part into their faces

Biggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names?

Kansas City Chiefs

Strength: Quarterback Matt Cassel feels satisfied whether receivers catch or drop his passes; easy schedule as team plays seven games in the CFL this season

Weakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the ground

Player To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a little

Biggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch?

DJ's left nut · 09-07-2010, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNR

Go to the link for all the teams. Here's the AFCW

http://www.theonion.com/articles/oni...18023/?slide=4

Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary

Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks

Is he sure he didn't confuse teams here?

-King- · 09-07-2010, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNR

Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks

Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book

Oakland Raiders

Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air

San Diego Chargers

Biggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne "roidman" Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names?

Kansas City Chiefs

Weakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the ground

Player To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a little

Biggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch?

**RealSNR** · 09-07-2010, 02:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DJ's left nut

Is he sure he didn't confuse teams here?

That's exactly what I thought.

Technically we didn't trade for a QB this year. But still...

Deberg_1990 · 09-07-2010, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNR

Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games

Hilarious....only because its true.

Amnorix · 09-07-2010, 03:09 PM

New England Patriots

Strength: Bill Belichick has avoided stealing any wives recently, so he should be focused on the 2010 season; people are sure to tout the Patriots' experience and maturity as opposed to flat-out calling them old
Weakness: Considering the talent of this year's rookie class, it's a shame that Belichick will once more work one of them until he dies
Intangibles: Can't discount the possibility of another horrific injury to quarterback Tom Brady; oh, please, Lord, let there be another horrific injury to Tom Brady
Biggest Question: This may be the year New England finally falls out of contention, but we know full well these ****s will pull a 12-4 season out of their ass somehow

Amnorix · 09-07-2010, 03:17 PM

God, there are some real gems here. The poor Bills mgiht be the best one fo them all.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

Strength: Buffalo is well-known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings, and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls
Weakness: Once again pretty much centers around the entire roster
Player To Watch: Starting quarterback Trent Edwards. Wait, him again? God, these guys are so ****ed
Intangibles: The AFC East is, perhaps, the league's most talented division, making it the most respectable division to finish last in

boogblaster · 09-07-2010, 03:32 PM

hummmm

-King- · 09-07-2010, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amnorix

God, there are some real gems here. The poor Bills mgiht be the best one fo them all.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

Strength: Buffalo is well-known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings, and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls
Weakness: Once again pretty much centers around the entire roster
Player To Watch: Starting quarterback Trent Edwards. Wait, him again? God, these guys are so ****ed
Intangibles: The AFC East is, perhaps, the league's most talented division, making it the most respectable division to finish last in

**RealSNR** · 09-07-2010, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Weakness: The Vikings have struggled to prepare for opponents ever since Minnesota Child Protective Services seized Brad Childress' entire tape collection

**Baby Lee** · 09-07-2010, 03:44 PM

Jacksonville touk urrr weeknusses!!!

Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown and David Garrard has coaches wondering if they should even have a quarterback at all

**bevischief** · 09-07-2010, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNR

Go to the link for all the teams. Here's the AFCW

http://www.theonion.com/articles/oni...18023/?slide=4

Denver Broncos

Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary

Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks

Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book

Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the Colts

Oakland Raiders

Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air

Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster ****ing sucks

Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games

Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?

San Diego Chargers

Strength: Unmatched at dominating the competition all season long and then dramatically losing in their first playoff game

Weakness: Nate Kaeding purposely kicks field goals wide right or left, as he hates football

Intangibles: Injuries on both sides of the ball continue to hurt the Chargers as players get stabbed with the points or slam the wide part into their faces

Biggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne "roidman" Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names?

Kansas City Chiefs

Strength: Quarterback Matt Cassel feels satisfied whether receivers catch or drop his passes; easy schedule as team plays seven games in the CFL this season

Weakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the ground

Player To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a little

Biggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch?

**RealSNR** · 09-07-2010, 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby Lee

Jacksonville touk urrr weeknusses!!!

Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown and David Garrard has coaches wondering if they should even have a quarterback at all

That's my only gripe. Some of these comments apply to a bunch of teams. Hell, even the fat coach schtick was used on both Charlie Weis and Rex Ryan.

09-07-2010, 02:47 PM
RealSNR Special Teams ACE!!! Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Where the hell is SNR Casino cash: $-1534792	The Onion's 2010 NFL Season Preview Go to the link for all the teams. Here's the AFCW http://www.theonion.com/articles/oni...18023/?slide=4 Denver Broncos Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the Colts Oakland Raiders Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster **ing sucks Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container? San Diego Chargers Strength: Unmatched at dominating the competition all season long and then dramatically losing in their first playoff game Weakness: Nate Kaeding purposely kicks field goals wide right or left, as he hates football Intangibles: Injuries on both sides of the ball continue to hurt the Chargers as players get stabbed with the points or slam the wide part into their faces Biggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names? Kansas City Chiefs** Strength: Quarterback Matt Cassel feels satisfied whether receivers catch or drop his passes; easy schedule as team plays seven games in the CFL this season Weakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the ground Player To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a little Biggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch?
Posts: 93,431

09-07-2010, 03:09 PM	#6
Amnorix In BB I trust Join Date: May 2003 Location: Boston, Mass. Casino cash: $10029808	New England Patriots Strength: Bill Belichick has avoided stealing any wives recently, so he should be focused on the 2010 season; people are sure to tout the Patriots' experience and maturity as opposed to flat-out calling them old Weakness: Considering the talent of this year's rookie class, it's a shame that Belichick will once more work one of them until he dies Intangibles: Can't discount the possibility of another horrific injury to quarterback Tom Brady; oh, please, Lord, let there be another horrific injury to Tom Brady Biggest Question: This may be the year New England finally falls out of contention, but we know full well these ****s will pull a 12-4 season out of their ass somehow
Posts: 43,125

09-07-2010, 03:17 PM	#7
Amnorix In BB I trust Join Date: May 2003 Location: Boston, Mass. Casino cash: $10029808	God, there are some real gems here. The poor Bills mgiht be the best one fo them all. AFC East Buffalo Bills Strength: Buffalo is well-known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings, and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls Weakness: Once again pretty much centers around the entire roster Player To Watch: Starting quarterback Trent Edwards. Wait, him again? God, these guys are so **ed Intangibles**: The AFC East is, perhaps, the league's most talented division, making it the most respectable division to finish last in
Posts: 43,125

09-07-2010, 03:32 PM	#8
boogblaster MVP Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Verdigris Valley Campsite Casino cash: $10004900	hummmm __________________ WR or S please
Posts: 10,305

09-07-2010, 03:44 PM	#11
Baby Lee Supporter Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $8028275	Jacksonville touk urrr weeknusses!!! Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown and David Garrard has coaches wondering if they should even have a quarterback at all __________________ We need the kind of courage that can withstand the subtle corruption of the cynics - E.W.
Posts: 95,642