Life Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female - Page 12

wutamess · 08:45 PM

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

**rockymtnchief** · 02-13-2011, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

One more important thingy.... I did a browser history check on her laptop last week and saw that she'd been visiting a porn website. Told her to stay off of those sites.

Damn, good luck.

I have a 12 year old daughter and I'm scared as hell with all the porn and sexting going on out there.

On her schools advice, we jumped my daughter from 5th grade to junior high. From dolls and hopscotch to a bunch of horny boys. So far she's handled it good (horses are more important), but I know what's lurking around the corner. Good luck to you.

**Lzen** · 02-13-2011, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dante84

Damn, that would be tough to kick a grandkid to the curb like that. But I understand what you are saying.

It sounds harsh until you hear the other side of it. My dumb ass sister is too accepting of his behavior. She had a kid when she was a teen so I think that is part of it.

When her middle daughter was 16, she got pregnant. Instead of making a big deal out of it, she was almost too excited about it. She chose to raise the child while my niece was able to run and play and not be forced to be a mother. I think that is sending the absolute wrong message. Keep in mind that my neither my niece or my sister are married.

Then her oldest (son) is on his second kid (out of wedlock). He has no job and no way to support these kids. Sure, he's not a teen anymore (24), but he is not exactly ready to settle down and raise kids either.

Most recently, my sister's youngest kid got pregnant when she was 17 and still in high school (couple years ago). When I found out my sister made some smart ass comment about my son (who was 16 at the time) was next. I said **** you, I'm not accepting of that behavior like she is. Yeah, I know it is possible and I can't control everything they do all the time. You have to hope you raised them right and they make the right decisions. But they know I will kill them if they make me a grandparent while still in my 30s or 40s.

Fairplay · 02-13-2011, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by R8ers

better yet get a software for safe family surfing....
Fairplay, she could just click that safe surfin stuff off

Yes, but can't you just up a password on the laptop so she can't change it?

R8RFAN · 02-13-2011, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fairplay

Yes, but can't you just up a password on the laptop so she can't change it?

The problem is most teenagers are better with a pc than the parents

Gracie Dean · 02-13-2011, 10:27 AM

Please be sure to monitor her FB and other social network sites. I don't know how many of my students put pictures on there and show off their new found "glory" and it then gets spread around school and other schools then we have a huge mess.

I don't know why girls think that taking pictures of themselves in lowcut shirts woudn't get spread around.

Years later when they apply for career jobs, what they do now could come back to bite them.

**cabletech94** · 02-13-2011, 10:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by noswad

Please be sure to monitor her FB and other social network sites. I don't know how many of my students put pictures on there and show off their new found "glory" and it then gets spread around school and other schools then we have a huge mess.

I don't know why girls think that taking pictures of themselves in lowcut shirts woudn't get spread around.

Years later when they apply for career jobs, what they do now could come back to bite them.

pics or it didn't happen!!!

Chiefnj2 · 02-13-2011, 11:19 AM

When you gave her the phone the first rules should have been:

1. Disable the web etc., which you did.
2. Tell her that she has no right to privacy on the phone. You paid for the phone and monthly bills, you get to review the history and texts whenever you want.
3. She isn't allowed to erase any messages or history without your consent.
4. When you find the things you did, you have to talk to her about it. Not only about the content of the exact message you are concerned about, but the fact that the texts can be copied/saved/sent to whoever.

Make sure that she understands when she tells one boy "her cup size, etc.," that there is a great likelihood that he is reading it with his friends and is passing it along. Don't say anything to anyone unless you don't mind the entire school knowing.

"In my mind I'm thinking be on her like flies to shit and when she's 18 let her loose."
She's still you little girl when she turns 18 and will still need help and guidance. Your job isn't done because she hits some magical number.

**ShortRoundChief** · 02-13-2011, 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by noswad

Please be sure to monitor her FB and other social network sites. I don't know how many of my students put pictures on there and show off their new found "glory" and it then gets spread around school and other schools then we have a huge mess.

I don't know why girls think that taking pictures of themselves in lowcut shirts woudn't get spread around.

Years later when they apply for career jobs, what they do now could come back to bite them.

I've got a 14 year old and the rule on facebook is this. I must be a friend, you must not post anything that I can not see, if I find out that you do I make her delete the account. That being said I have caught some provocative pictures a couple of days ago and a 22 year old nigerian "friend" which I've stopped immediately. I have no illusions of total control and I'm sure she does post things that don't go through me but I've caught some and unless I want to monitor her internet activity 24/7 thats pretty much what I can hope for.

As far as the phone thing in the OP, she too has a phone. It too has been more of a hassle than anything else. I frequently check the charges as she has purchased outside ringtones in the past and blocked them and out of country text messages (the nigerian). She knows that her phone is open to inspection at any time and she also knows that sprint keeps a log of all pic messages sent. She also knows I am the only one who has access to add or delete those pictures.

My approach is to give her just enough rope to hang her self with. Hopefully she doesn't. If she puts herself into a bad position, I have enough controls to prevent it from becoming a catastrophe. This way, I feel, it can become a learning experience and not a tragedy.

Gracie Dean · 02-13-2011, 11:30 AM

we took our kids phone away at night and gave it to her in the mornings. She would talk to her friends all night and then be so tired at school.

LocoChiefsFan · 02-13-2011, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenson71

I wouldn't grill her about her grinding and french kissing. That's normal behavior for many at that age. Plus, she could be lying to impress him. If you brought it up, she'd likely feel awkward and really pissed off at you.

Disclaimer: not a parent.

You shut your mouth!! My baby girl is gonna be 13 in Aug, and by god, this better not be normal behavior.lol!
edit: Just had a talk about this thread with my daughter and she asked what "grinding" was. When we explained it to her, she said, "GROSS!!"

I know we cant shelter them forever, but damn I'm not looking forward to this crap. I think it depends on the girl maturity level also. Mine is all about sports and could care less about boys THANK GOD!! Good luck Wutamess!!

suzzer99 · 02-13-2011, 11:36 AM

Facebook is an incredible tool to stay in and keep track of our kid's social lives that our parents never had. Generally kids don't want to actively hide most of that stuff, they just aren't very forthcoming with it.

For my parents trying to get anything out of me abut my friends and social life was like pulling teeth. But if they could see it on FB (the g-rated version obviously) I probably wouldn't have minded so much. I just never wanted to sit down with them and talk about it.

Also kids don't realize how much we can figure out from just the g-rated versions of stuff. They don't realize we pulled the exact same shit. Use this to your advantage, but never let on. And don't bug them too much about what they post on facebook, or they'll shut down.

**Buehler445** · 02-13-2011, 11:36 AM

Look at Hootie contributing.

Anyway, I cannot have kids. Particularly girls. I would go to jail for mass genocide for killing all boys in the school system.

Best of luck Rog.

suzzer99 · 02-13-2011, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LocoChiefsFan

You shut your mouth!! My baby girl is gonna be 13 in Aug, and by god, this better not be normal behavior.lol!
edit: Just had a talk about this thread with my daughter and she asked what "grinding" was. When we explained it to her, she said, "GROSS!!"

I know we cant shelter them forever, but damn I'm not looking forward to this crap. I think it depends on the girl maturity level also. Mine is all about sports and could care less about boys THANK GOD!! Good luck Wutamess!!

This describes mine pretty well too thank God.

**ShortRoundChief** · 02-13-2011, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LocoChiefsFan

You shut your mouth!! My baby girl is gonna be 13 in Aug, and by god, this better not be normal behavior.lol!
edit: Just had a talk about this thread with my daughter and she asked what "grinding" was. When we explained it to her, she said, "GROSS!!"

I know we cant shelter them forever, but damn I'm not looking forward to this crap. I think it depends on the girl maturity level also. Mine is all about sports and could care less about boys THANK GOD!! Good luck Wutamess!!

Lol@ Jenson

All you need to know is "not a parent"

I too would come unhinged.

**ShortRoundChief** · 02-13-2011, 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buehler445

Look at Hootie contributing.

Anyway, I cannot have kids. Particularly girls. I would go to jail for mass genocide for killing all boys in the school system.

Best of luck Rog.

Well if you do have kids particularly a girl please inform us. That way we can get all our boys out of the school system.

02-12-2011, 11:11 PM
wutamess MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lee's Summit Casino cash: $4711637	Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore. So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so. Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand. I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about". When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything. So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc. Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet. My question is... WTF do I do? My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one. I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment. Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start.. Post (THE TALK) Update: This morning... So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go. So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this... Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger). Her: OK Me: Are you ready for sex? Her: No Me: What's stopping you and why not? Her: Becuase it'll hurt Me: That's it? Her: And because of AIDS and diseases Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for? Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff. Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed? Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it. Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY? Her: No! I've never kissed anyone. Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before? Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone. Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me. Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it. Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama? Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales. Her: What's morales? Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers. Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms? Her: yes! Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation? Her: Yes! Me: So do you have any questions? Her: No. Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you? Her: No boys. Me: So why'd you do it? Her: because I thought Skype didn't count Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys? Her: Quiet. I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything? I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic. I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK! Last edited by wutamess; 02-13-2011 at 08:45 PM..
Posts: 8,290

02-13-2011, 10:27 AM	#170
Gracie Dean MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $10004900	Please be sure to monitor her FB and other social network sites. I don't know how many of my students put pictures on there and show off their new found "glory" and it then gets spread around school and other schools then we have a huge mess. I don't know why girls think that taking pictures of themselves in lowcut shirts woudn't get spread around. Years later when they apply for career jobs, what they do now could come back to bite them.
Posts: 12,955

02-13-2011, 11:19 AM	#172
Chiefnj2 In Search of a Life Join Date: Mar 2007 Casino cash: $6654388	When you gave her the phone the first rules should have been: 1. Disable the web etc., which you did. 2. Tell her that she has no right to privacy on the phone. You paid for the phone and monthly bills, you get to review the history and texts whenever you want. 3. She isn't allowed to erase any messages or history without your consent. 4. When you find the things you did, you have to talk to her about it. Not only about the content of the exact message you are concerned about, but the fact that the texts can be copied/saved/sent to whoever. Make sure that she understands when she tells one boy "her cup size, etc.," that there is a great likelihood that he is reading it with his friends and is passing it along. Don't say anything to anyone unless you don't mind the entire school knowing. "In my mind I'm thinking be on her like flies to shit and when she's 18 let her loose." She's still you little girl when she turns 18 and will still need help and guidance. Your job isn't done because she hits some magical number. __________________ Mismanaging the clock.
Posts: 22,541

02-13-2011, 11:30 AM	#174
Gracie Dean MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $10004900	we took our kids phone away at night and gave it to her in the mornings. She would talk to her friends all night and then be so tired at school.
Posts: 12,955

02-13-2011, 11:36 AM	#176
suzzer99 In Search of a Life Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: L.A. Casino cash: $-835716	Facebook is an incredible tool to stay in and keep track of our kid's social lives that our parents never had. Generally kids don't want to actively hide most of that stuff, they just aren't very forthcoming with it. For my parents trying to get anything out of me abut my friends and social life was like pulling teeth. But if they could see it on FB (the g-rated version obviously) I probably wouldn't have minded so much. I just never wanted to sit down with them and talk about it. Also kids don't realize how much we can figure out from just the g-rated versions of stuff. They don't realize we pulled the exact same shit. Use this to your advantage, but never let on. And don't bug them too much about what they post on facebook, or they'll shut down.
Posts: 28,367

02-13-2011, 11:36 AM	#177
Buehler445 Supporter Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Scott City KS Casino cash: $-1635266	Look at Hootie contributing. Anyway, I cannot have kids. Particularly girls. I would go to jail for mass genocide for killing all boys in the school system. Best of luck Rog.
Posts: 60,032

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