Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female

[wutamess]

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

[Buehler445]

Originally Posted by MotherLover

Well if you do have kids particularly a girl please inform us. That way we can get all our boys out of the school system.

Will do buddy.

[FlaChief58]

I got a cell for my son when he was 13 with the understanding that it was mine to do with as I pleased as long as I payed the bill. I would ramdomly ask him for the phone and go through it to see what he was up to. The same applied to his computer (my space, facebook, etc). I would tell him to log on, then go through his messages. I never hid the fact I would be doing this, so if he tried to give me any lip about it I simply told him his options. Either you let me check up on you or there will be no phone or computer (except for homework). If chores were not done, the phone was taken for no less than 1 week.

He's out on his own now so I don't have to worry about it anymore. I would say that you should be honest with her about the situation and tell her how you will be handeling things in the future and most importantly, follow through with whatever the penalty is for not following the rules of the house.

[RedNFeisty]

Originally Posted by MotherLover

I've got a 14 year old and the rule on facebook is this. I must be a friend, you must not post anything that I can not see, if I find out that you do I make her delete the account. That being said I have caught some provocative pictures a couple of days ago and a 22 year old nigerian "friend" which I've stopped immediately. I have no illusions of total control and I'm sure she does post things that don't go through me but I've caught some and unless I want to monitor her internet activity 24/7 thats pretty much what I can hope for.

As far as the phone thing in the OP, she too has a phone. It too has been more of a hassle than anything else. I frequently check the charges as she has purchased outside ringtones in the past and blocked them and out of country text messages (the nigerian). She knows that her phone is open to inspection at any time and she also knows that sprint keeps a log of all pic messages sent. She also knows I am the only one who has access to add or delete those pictures.

My approach is to give her just enough rope to hang her self with. Hopefully she doesn't. If she puts herself into a bad position, I have enough controls to prevent it from becoming a catastrophe. This way, I feel, it can become a learning experience and not a tragedy.

Kuddos, dad!! The key to any good relationship is communications. If the child knows the rules and the repercussions to breaking the rules, it turns out a little better.

Good luck with your daughter, I would have to lock her in a cell, if it were my daughter.

Granted, my son is going to be 10 in March, but we have great communication. My son and I are pretty close and talk about everything. We already discuss sex, it is everywhere, if he knows what happens now, maybe he will be less likely to be stupid on the subject. Plus, he knows he can talk to me about sex without feeling weird or ashamed.

Before giving me crap about my son being keen on the subject of sex, he is a big Family Guy and South Park fan (thanks to Dad), jokes have to be explained, once in a while my son hears...that joke will be best explained when your older, and he accepts that answer.

[R8RFAN]

Originally Posted by RedNFeisty

Kuddos, dad!! The key to any good relationship is communications. If the child knows the rules and the repercussions to breaking the rules, it turns out a little better.

Good luck with your daughter, I would have to lock her in a cell, if it were my daughter.

Granted, my son is going to be 10 in March, but we have great communication. My son and I are pretty close and talk about everything. We already discuss sex, it is everywhere, if he knows what happens now, maybe he will be less likely to be stupid on the subject. Plus, he knows he can talk to me about sex without feeling weird or ashamed.

Before giving me crap about my son being keen on the subject of sex, he is a big Family Guy and South Park fan (thanks to Dad), jokes have to be explained, once in a while my son hears...that joke will be best explained when your older, and he accepts that answer.

will you talk to me about sex? pretty please?

[Easy 6]

Originally Posted by Rams Fan

Take the phone away from her for 2 weeks and have her talk with her mother about how far she's been and her grinding on someone at a dance.

Simple & to the point, and as pr capone says, dont overreact as it could just make things worse.

[ShortRoundChief]

Originally Posted by R8ers

will you talk to me about sex? pretty please?

Yes don't do it. You will spawn demon children who look like al davis.

[L.A. Chieffan]

i have a 12 year old daughter and she sill thinks boys are gross. parenting superwin!

[R8RFAN]

Originally Posted by L.A.Chieffan

i have a 12 year old daughter and she sill thinks boys are gross. parenting superwin!

Give it a year and see how that superwin is working for ya.

[ShortRoundChief]

Originally Posted by L.A.Chieffan

i have a 12 year old daughter and she sill thinks boys are gross. parenting superwin!

Yes at 12 my daughter thought boys were gross as well. Fast forward 2 years later and she's hormonally supercharged.


Premature win.

[L.A. Chieffan]

Originally Posted by R8ers

Give it a year and see how that superwin is working for ya.

i said she could go the social d concert the other nite and she didnt come back drunk or nothin

[L.A. Chieffan]

Originally Posted by MotherLover

Yes at 12 my daughter thought boys were gross as well. Fast forward 2 years later and she's hormonally supercharged.


Premature win.

nah you guys just aint cool dads i guess

[Mosbonian]

Originally Posted by wutamess

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

wutamess:

My input for you....buy the following book it gives you some good tips.

"52 Things Kids Need from a Dad"

While it doesn't have every answer to every problem, it does give some good insight. But the best advice anyone should give you is that you know your child better than any of us, and you probably already know the answer to your own questions.

Good luck.

[ShortRoundChief]

Originally Posted by L.A.Chieffan

i said she could go the social d concert the other nite and she didnt come back drunk or nothin

lol

[ShortRoundChief]

Originally Posted by L.A.Chieffan

nah you guys just aint cool dads i guess

My child can be my friend when she's an adult. Until then that's not my job.

[L.A. Chieffan]

Originally Posted by MotherLover

My child can be my friend when she's an adult. Until then that's not my job.

my job is to make sure she aint on the pole and my son aint on the pipe