Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female

[Rams Fan]

Originally Posted by wutamess

What's the discipline? I did have my wife talk to her about it because I have no idea what a 13yo girl is thinking? But I feel the phone is an enabler. That's my only discipline tool.

How do you discipline someone for doing things that are natural?

I think it would depend on how much she admits to doing. If I were you, I'd take her phone away for two weeks minimum. Does she have a laptop or computer? Do you know is she used that all to send the pictures?

[Easy 6]

Originally Posted by Rams Fan

Take the phone away from her for 2 weeks and have her talk with her mother about how far she's been and her grinding on someone at a dance.

Simple & to the point, and as pr capone says, dont overreact as it could just make things worse.

[pr_capone]

The last thing you want to do is overreact to her budding sexuality. Have a conversation with the wife, then have a conversation with the kid. Time without the phone is likely warranted but flat shutting it down will only make her not want to talk you guys about sex in the future.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by pr_capone

The last thing you want to do is overreact to her budding sexuality. Have a conversation with the wife, then have a conversation with the kid. Time without the phone is likely warranted but flat shutting it down will only make her not want to talk you guys about sex in the future.

It's funny... because I know there's little we can do, but how do you tell someone that's curious to wait? The phone is just so NOT needed. and I don't really want to know when she's having sex. I mean, it'd be nice to know but for some reason. I'd rather not know at that age.

I'd just rather prevent it from happening as much as I can. My main issue with her though will get her confidence up about trying to impress boys. Might be talking to a deaf ear at the time but I gotta get it out.

[JD10367]

Originally Posted by pr_capone

The last thing you want to do is overreact to her budding sexuality. Have a conversation with the wife, then have a conversation with the kid. Time without the phone is likely warranted but flat shutting it down will only make her not want to talk you guys about sex in the future.

This. I'm not a parent, but I'd think if the problem is "girl is too young for sex" the answer is not "take away her phone". You will have to sit down and have a discussion with her (either parent, or both, whatever you think will work better) about sex and waiting and specifically that boys are horny uncaring little bastards who only want to get girls naked. The hard part will be revealing that you invaded her privacy by looking at her phone, but unfortunately the cold truth of it is: when you're a 13-year-old girl, and you're using a phone that you didn't pay for, you don't HAVE any right to privacy. And this situation is the perfect example: kids think they know best, but they don't.

[memyselfI]

Originally Posted by JD10367

. The hard part will be revealing that you invaded her privacy by looking at her phone, but unfortunately the cold truth of it is: when you're a 13-year-old girl, and you're using a phone that you didn't pay for, you don't HAVE any right to privacy. And this situation is the perfect example: kids think they know best, but they don't.

I find this attitude so frustrating and completely ignorant. Sorry.

She has every right to expect privacy at 13. The problem is she FORFEITS that right when she decides to share personal information with STRANGERS or others who are not concerned with her privacy.

Telling her she has no privacy will GUARANTEE she will sneak around and lie. Rather, tell her she has the right to exepct privacy but it's hers to LOSE if she does not handle herself appropriately.

Worse yet, the lesson she hears and learns is if she has no expecation or right to privacy and boundaries from her parents then who does she have it from? Do you really want your daughter out in the world not understanding or valuing her personal privacy or boundaries?

[Hammock Parties]

I'd let your wife handle it. She made the bed, now she has to lie in it.

[pr_capone]

Originally Posted by ClayWhit

I'd let your wife handle it. She made the bed, now she has to lie in it.

Yes because this is exactly what marriage is all about. Rubbing the other person's face in mistakes.

By all means wut, take marriage and parenting advice from Wendler.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by pr_capone

Yes because this is exactly what marriage is all about. Rubbing the other person's face in mistakes.

By all means wut, take marriage and parenting advice from Wendler.

! Ignored it soon as I seen it.

[memyselfI]

Sorry fathers, todays 13 does not = 13 of yesteryear.

Chances are pretty good that this young woman is right in her peer group when it comes to sexual exploration. MOF, some are way more advanced. Like losing their virginity.

How to treat her sexuality and how you treat her technological intelligence are two seperate things. She needs to be informed about privacy, safety, and risk involved in participating in Skype, Facebook, etc. She needs to learn these bumps early so that by the time she is 16 or 18 she is not posting pictures of herself in a bikini or sexting.

The natural inclination here is to reign in her usage and control what she's exposed to. I think this is a mistake. You and your wife should monitor her more closely but still allow her to learn the ropes while you still are able to have some sort of control over her behavior. By 16 they know ways around firewalls, webmail, fake screennames in order to avoid parental monitoring. You should make it quite clear to her that this is going to be the case and is part of her accepting a cell phone. It will not be done in private or without her knowledge.

As far as her sexuality, you learned that information by invading her privacy. Thus YOU should have no say in this particular matter. You have vioated her trust. Your wife, OTOH, should start to talk to her about age appropriate limits and stages.

This is not about you or what you think your daughter should be doing sexually. Fact is she is a sexual being and is going to experinent with that fact. Your part in this is to teach her that boys (or girls FTM) are not always going to treat her with her best interest at heart. Thus, she needs to be very careful who she gives herself to...in all ways and always.

Last bit of advice, sign up for Facebook and help her set up her page. Set one up yourself and friend her. Set it up with all the privacy restrictions and keep the password. This will allow her to be learning about FB early vs. later when she has no idea how to handle her personal matters in a public forum.

[JD10367]

Originally Posted by memyselfI

Sorry fathers, todays 13 does not = 13 of yesteryear.

Chances are pretty good that this young woman is right in her peer group when it comes to sexual exploration. MOF, some are way more advanced. Like losing their virginity.

Frankly, "yesteryear" wasn't much better. Unless you grew up in the 1950s, I'm pretty sure the age of sexual experimentation has always been a lot lower than parents like to think. When they were kids, they probably did it between 10 and 15, but when they become parents they become naturally defensive of their children and suddenly their brain tells them it was really 18-20 that they did that stuff at.

The natural inclination here is to reign in her usage and control what she's exposed to. I think this is a mistake. You and your wife should monitor her more closely but still allow her to learn the ropes while you still are able to have some sort of control over her behavior. By 16 they know ways around firewalls, webmail, a fake names in order to avoid parental monitoring. You should make it quite clear to her that this is going to be the case and is part of her accepting a cell phone. It will not be done in private or without her knowledge.

I think parents have a natural tendency to make hard-line boundaries and take stuff away, and forget that it has the exact opposite effect. I know, when I was a kid, the one way to get me to do something was to make it taboo or illegal. Say "don't do..." and a kid will spend every waking moment trying to do it.

When I was around nine, my dad was smoking. I tugged on his jacket and pointed at the cig. He said, "What, you want to try this?" I nodded eagerly. He handed it to me. I took a drag and choked, and spent the next half-hour coughing. He laughed his ass off. I never wanted to smoke cigarettes again. Around the same age, he would buy me little nips of blackberry brandy to try. While other kids were grousing about their parents not letting them drink, I was bragging that my dad bought me nips of blackberry brandy. Obviously I was only sipping on them occasionally, but the simple fact that it was not "off limits" to me made me not want to do it more. He also said, "If you want to get shitfaced, I'll go out and buy you all the beer you want, and you can get shitfaced right here in the house. If you try to go out and do it, I'll beat the crap out of you." And, of course, because that was more of a hard-ass line, I crossed it repeatedly, especially between 17 and 21 (drinking illegally at heavy metal concerts, driving while buzzed, etc.,.). But as soon as I hit 21, my drinking fell off to almost nothing. So I guess my dad did something right. (But I know, in today's world, you could never buy your kid nips of blackberry brandy. They'd take your kids away and throw you in jail.)

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by JD10367

When I was around nine, my dad was smoking. I tugged on his jacket and pointed at the cig. He said, "What, you want to try this?" I nodded eagerly. He handed it to me. I took a drag and choked, and spent the next half-hour coughing. He laughed his ass off. I never wanted to smoke cigarettes again. Around the same age, he would buy me little nips of blackberry brandy to try. While other kids were grousing about their parents not letting them drink, I was bragging that my dad bought me nips of blackberry brandy. Obviously I was only sipping on them occasionally, but the simple fact that it was not "off limits" to me made me not want to do it more. He also said, "If you want to get shitfaced, I'll go out and buy you all the beer you want, and you can get shitfaced right here in the house. If you try to go out and do it, I'll beat the crap out of you." And, of course, because that was more of a hard-ass line, I crossed it repeatedly, especially between 17 and 21 (drinking illegally at heavy metal concerts, driving while buzzed, etc.,.). But as soon as I hit 21, my drinking fell off to almost nothing. So I guess my dad did something right. (But I know, in today's world, you could never buy your kid nips of blackberry brandy. They'd take your kids away and throw you in jail.)

This makes a world of sense but you know how scary that approach could be. You coulda turned alcoholic, etc. Don't believe in trying that approach. Just trying to go about the way we were raised and the way my mother raise my sis. She often heeds of mistakes around what age she made.

One of them was giving her freedom around the 12-14 range. Sister took it and ran with it.

[Fairplay]

Originally Posted by JD10367

When I was around nine, my dad was smoking. I tugged on his jacket and pointed at the cig. He said, "What, you want to try this?" I nodded eagerly. He handed it to me. I took a drag and choked, and spent the next half-hour coughing. He laughed his ass off. I never wanted to smoke cigarettes again. Around the same age, he would buy me little nips of blackberry brandy to try. While other kids were grousing about their parents not letting them drink, I was bragging that my dad bought me nips of blackberry brandy. Obviously I was only sipping on them occasionally, but the simple fact that it was not "off limits" to me made me not want to do it more. He also said, "If you want to get shitfaced, I'll go out and buy you all the beer you want, and you can get shitfaced right here in the house. If you try to go out and do it, I'll beat the crap out of you." And, of course, because that was more of a hard-ass line, I crossed it repeatedly, especially between 17 and 21 (drinking illegally at heavy metal concerts, driving while buzzed, etc.,.). But as soon as I hit 21, my drinking fell off to almost nothing. So I guess my dad did something right. (But I know, in today's world, you could never buy your kid nips of blackberry brandy. They'd take your kids away and throw you in jail.)

Father and son talks always bring a tear to my eye.

[Sassy Squatch]

You need to have a conversation with Chris Hanson. Seriously. If she acts like this at 13 ****ing years old, you might have a problem. Of course, it could also be her "exaggerating" things in a way to make herself appear more attractive.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Superturtle

You need to have a conversation with Chris Hanson. Seriously. If she acts like this at 13 ****ing years old, you might have a problem. Of course, it could also be her "exaggerating" things in a way to make herself appear more attractive.

13 is about par for the course.
I got my first tongue around 13-15 range (in front of the church).
What planet you on?