Home Discord Chat
Go Back   ChiefsPlanet > Nzoner's Game Room
Reload this Page Football Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Kansas City Chiefs
Register FAQDonate Members List Calendar

Reply
Page 2 of 5 1 2 345
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-15-2014, 10:57 AM  
listopencil listopencil is offline
Immanentize The Eschaton
 
listopencil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In Partibus Infidelium
Casino cash: $-1114120
Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Kansas City Chiefs



Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Kansas City Chiefs





Some people are fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Kansas City Chiefs.

Your 2013 record: 11-5. No franchise in football is better at rendering a successful regular season utterly pointless than the Chiefs. Remember: this team was coming off a 2-14 season in which the GM and coach witnessed one of the players commit suicide at the team facility (I believe Roger Goodell retroactively suspended Jovan Belcher for half a game after the fact). So going 11-5 without incident sounds like a fantastic leap forward, right? Well, see … Look, if you're a Chiefs fan, you should emotionally prepare yourself before we rehash all of this:

This team was up 38-10 over the Colts with just over 13 minutes to go in the third quarter. After that, a giant chasm opened up in the space-time continuum and Andrew Luck was granted Santa Claus powers. Seriously, he had FOREVER to come back. Every time five minutes ticked off the clock in that game, 10 additional minutes were added to it. And to cap it all off, everyone for the Chiefs got hurt: Jamaal Charles, Brandon Flowers, the bus driver, EVERYONE. By the time the comeback was finished, the Chiefs had nothing but Alex Smith and a bag of old onions left. Cyrus Gray could have stopped the bleeding by catching a sure touchdown, but he dropped it because that is what happens when you put the Chiefs in the playoffs. It was sad and shocking and yet somehow predictable and 100% preventable because…

Your coach: Andy Reid. OH YEAH!


The Chiefs passed the ball TWENTY-FIVE times in the second half in that game against the Colts. Whyyyyyyyyy??? Why would you do that? This team was averaging 4.7 yards per carry that game. Knile Davis was DESTROYING the Colts. And yet here is Andy Reid, who can never help himself, calling eight million passes and extending the game by 50 hours. Jesus. It's like the polar inverse of Martyball. Every year, fans scream at Andy Reid to run the ball more when his team is running well and he never listens. Why does he hate running the ball? Does it remind him of exercise? By the way, Jamaal Charles got a new contract this offseason. Which means it will be twice as infuriating when Andy Reid doesn't run him enough.

Your quarterback: Alex Smith, who wants $17 million a year from the Chiefs because he has deemed himself ELITE. Watching Alex Smith play quarterback is like playing the penny slots: not much risk, not much reward, you're obviously the broke dude just trying to get through the rest of the night without incurring serious financial harm. Football Outsiders ranked Smith as the 20th most effective QB in football last season, behind even Sam Bradford, who is dead. Smith threw for just over 3,000 yards and was only picked off seven times last season. You know had a better season than that for Kansas City a few years back? Matt Cassel. So yes, let's pony up **** You money for the guy whose ceiling is somewhere south of Prime Matt Cassel.

I bet they extend him within the next two weeks.

What's new that sucks: Dexter McCluster is gone! OH NO! Now the Chiefs are left with just six fragile, undersized hybrid backs. Left tackle Branden Albert is gone, and now #1 pick and TMQ wet dream Eric Fisher will have to protect Smith's blind side, despite being ****ing terrible last season. The secondary that allowed Andrew Luck to come back from 28 points down despite throwing a billion interceptions is somehow worse than a year ago. There is no one at corner. And the team failed to provide Smith with any additional weapons to throw too many short passes to.

That Colts comeback wasn't even the end of last season's misery. Turns out the Chiefs now know how to concuss each other in exhibition games, so look forward to more of that. Also, they tased the one black Chiefs fan in the stands this preseason. MISSOURI.

By the way, given all the shit with Ray Rice and Greg Hardy this offseason, it's amazing that the Chiefs could sever ties with Romeo Crennel and Scott Pioli and effectively render the Jovan Belcher murder/suicide all but forgotten. That all happened less than two years ago. And it happened mid-season. And only NOW is the NFL starting to talk about domestic violence and what not. The League still really doesn't talk about mental health issues with players (Belcher, Junior Seau) at all. It's just, "Welp, that happened! Let's wait for it to happen again!" Trauma doesn't just magically erase itself.

What has always sucked: God, Dwayne Bowe is still here. He'll never be as good as he was in 2010. At least Josh Gordon had the courtesy to be suspended and literally be absent from games. With Bowe, you go into every Chiefs game knowing he could catch three touchdowns but will choose to draw penises on the playsheet instead. I look forward to Andy Reid scheming six fourth quarter drops for him with a two-touchdown lead on a capable opponent.

All of this will be in service of a KC fanbase whose loudness is vastly overrated (the Chiefs have nine home wins in the past three years). It's the Chiefs who began the decibel-scale arms race between fans that has led to the Seahawks having the most obnoxious fanbase in the universe. So thanks for that, Kansas City. Assholes. The only way Kansas City makes anything good is by burning it. The best song about Kansas City is about the fear that someone from Kansas City is about to visit.



Worst of all, Kansas City is the city that allowed Jason Whitlock to have a career. I blame hip hop. Also, someone made this:



What is this? This is shit.

What might not suck: This is an Andy Reid team, so they will always be competitive. The front seven is great. Charles is a beast. Like, they'll tie the game 20-20 and then elect to punt from the opposing 35 with 10 seconds left. They will always manage to underachieve in a telegenic manner.



http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...efs-1622150776
Posts: 56,885
listopencil is obviously part of the inner Circle.listopencil is obviously part of the inner Circle.listopencil is obviously part of the inner Circle.listopencil is obviously part of the inner Circle.listopencil is obviously part of the inner Circle.listopencil is obviously part of the inner Circle.listopencil is obviously part of the inner Circle.listopencil is obviously part of the inner Circle.listopencil is obviously part of the inner Circle.listopencil is obviously part of the inner Circle.listopencil is obviously part of the inner Circle.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 12:13 PM   #16
eDave eDave is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Jan 2013
Casino cash: $9998560
Awww. I missed that Big Andy gif.

OH YEAH!
Posts: 53,803
eDave is obviously part of the inner Circle.eDave is obviously part of the inner Circle.eDave is obviously part of the inner Circle.eDave is obviously part of the inner Circle.eDave is obviously part of the inner Circle.eDave is obviously part of the inner Circle.eDave is obviously part of the inner Circle.eDave is obviously part of the inner Circle.eDave is obviously part of the inner Circle.eDave is obviously part of the inner Circle.eDave is obviously part of the inner Circle.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 12:14 PM   #17
TLO TLO is offline
Life is changing..
 
TLO's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: NW Missouri
Casino cash: $-2660000
CHUEFS
Posts: 43,136
TLO is obviously part of the inner Circle.TLO is obviously part of the inner Circle.TLO is obviously part of the inner Circle.TLO is obviously part of the inner Circle.TLO is obviously part of the inner Circle.TLO is obviously part of the inner Circle.TLO is obviously part of the inner Circle.TLO is obviously part of the inner Circle.TLO is obviously part of the inner Circle.TLO is obviously part of the inner Circle.TLO is obviously part of the inner Circle.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 12:16 PM   #18
Halfcan Halfcan is offline
In Search of a Life
 
Halfcan's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Casino cash: $7327995
dumb
Posts: 43,200
Halfcan is obviously part of the inner Circle.Halfcan is obviously part of the inner Circle.Halfcan is obviously part of the inner Circle.Halfcan is obviously part of the inner Circle.Halfcan is obviously part of the inner Circle.Halfcan is obviously part of the inner Circle.Halfcan is obviously part of the inner Circle.Halfcan is obviously part of the inner Circle.Halfcan is obviously part of the inner Circle.Halfcan is obviously part of the inner Circle.Halfcan is obviously part of the inner Circle.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 12:17 PM   #19
rico rico is offline
ON CP YOU’RE SOMEBODY’S BITCH!
 
rico's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Da SEI
Casino cash: $2164809
__________________
tl;dr

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rausch View Post
Look, I dress like a 50 year old lesbian.

http://facebook.com/thepindoctors
Posts: 13,304
rico is obviously part of the inner Circle.rico is obviously part of the inner Circle.rico is obviously part of the inner Circle.rico is obviously part of the inner Circle.rico is obviously part of the inner Circle.rico is obviously part of the inner Circle.rico is obviously part of the inner Circle.rico is obviously part of the inner Circle.rico is obviously part of the inner Circle.rico is obviously part of the inner Circle.rico is obviously part of the inner Circle.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 12:22 PM   #20
scho63 scho63 is offline
Politically Incorrect
 
scho63's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Casino cash: $-1010000
Best Chiefs analysis I've seen done in 25 years!!!

__________________
"The only difference between sex for free and sex for money is that sex for free costs you a WHOLE LOT more!" ~Redd Foxx~


2018 2019 2020 20212022 2023 2024 2025 Adopt a Chief - Clark Hunt and Brett Veach
"The men who drafted Patrick Mahomes"

Posts: 55,149
scho63 is obviously part of the inner Circle.scho63 is obviously part of the inner Circle.scho63 is obviously part of the inner Circle.scho63 is obviously part of the inner Circle.scho63 is obviously part of the inner Circle.scho63 is obviously part of the inner Circle.scho63 is obviously part of the inner Circle.scho63 is obviously part of the inner Circle.scho63 is obviously part of the inner Circle.scho63 is obviously part of the inner Circle.scho63 is obviously part of the inner Circle.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 12:22 PM   #21
ChiliConCarnage ChiliConCarnage is online now
TACO SALAD
 
ChiliConCarnage's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: yes
Casino cash: $-2171532
Both funny and depressingly accurate
Posts: 7,093
ChiliConCarnage threw an interception on a screen pass.ChiliConCarnage threw an interception on a screen pass.ChiliConCarnage threw an interception on a screen pass.ChiliConCarnage threw an interception on a screen pass.ChiliConCarnage threw an interception on a screen pass.ChiliConCarnage threw an interception on a screen pass.ChiliConCarnage threw an interception on a screen pass.ChiliConCarnage threw an interception on a screen pass.ChiliConCarnage threw an interception on a screen pass.ChiliConCarnage threw an interception on a screen pass.ChiliConCarnage threw an interception on a screen pass.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 12:27 PM   #22
TimBone TimBone is offline
Mostly Ignored
 
TimBone's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2013
Casino cash: $8419985
Depressingly brilliant.
Posts: 18,097
TimBone is obviously part of the inner Circle.TimBone is obviously part of the inner Circle.TimBone is obviously part of the inner Circle.TimBone is obviously part of the inner Circle.TimBone is obviously part of the inner Circle.TimBone is obviously part of the inner Circle.TimBone is obviously part of the inner Circle.TimBone is obviously part of the inner Circle.TimBone is obviously part of the inner Circle.TimBone is obviously part of the inner Circle.TimBone is obviously part of the inner Circle.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 12:27 PM   #23
ping2000 ping2000 is offline
Changes pants while driving
 

Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Washington D.C.
Casino cash: $2050495
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChiliConCarnage View Post
Both funny and depressingly accurate

Ding! Want to be mad at the guy, but facts be facts.
Posts: 17,860
ping2000 is obviously part of the inner Circle.ping2000 is obviously part of the inner Circle.ping2000 is obviously part of the inner Circle.ping2000 is obviously part of the inner Circle.ping2000 is obviously part of the inner Circle.ping2000 is obviously part of the inner Circle.ping2000 is obviously part of the inner Circle.ping2000 is obviously part of the inner Circle.ping2000 is obviously part of the inner Circle.ping2000 is obviously part of the inner Circle.ping2000 is obviously part of the inner Circle.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 12:28 PM   #24
Mav Mav is offline
XBOX GT MAVS ACE
 
Mav's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Casino cash: $10019303
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bacon Cheeseburger View Post
I already knew why they sucked but thanks anyway.
of course you did.

After all, you give the best fellatio on the planet.

back on your knees cum guzzler.
__________________
Resident Browns fan

I’m not here to argue about Alex Smith. Fastest Ignore user on CP
Posts: 18,683
Mav is obviously part of the inner Circle.Mav is obviously part of the inner Circle.Mav is obviously part of the inner Circle.Mav is obviously part of the inner Circle.Mav is obviously part of the inner Circle.Mav is obviously part of the inner Circle.Mav is obviously part of the inner Circle.Mav is obviously part of the inner Circle.Mav is obviously part of the inner Circle.Mav is obviously part of the inner Circle.Mav is obviously part of the inner Circle.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 12:29 PM   #25
MahiMike MahiMike is offline
He's Mahomie!
 
MahiMike's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Jax, FL
Casino cash: $10023443
This thread is awesome. I never heard that song by those trannies.

And willie dogg was pretty funny.
__________________
99.9%
Posts: 17,387
MahiMike is obviously part of the inner Circle.MahiMike is obviously part of the inner Circle.MahiMike is obviously part of the inner Circle.MahiMike is obviously part of the inner Circle.MahiMike is obviously part of the inner Circle.MahiMike is obviously part of the inner Circle.MahiMike is obviously part of the inner Circle.MahiMike is obviously part of the inner Circle.MahiMike is obviously part of the inner Circle.MahiMike is obviously part of the inner Circle.MahiMike is obviously part of the inner Circle.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 12:44 PM   #26
Baby Lee Baby Lee is offline
Supporter
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Casino cash: $8028275
Quote:
Originally Posted by MahiMike View Post
And willie dogg was pretty funny.
- Billy Bob Teeth, the dudes who made those actually went to dental school first.

http://billybobproducts.com/?sl=EN
__________________
We need the kind of courage that can withstand the subtle corruption of the cynics - E.W.
Posts: 95,642
Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 12:56 PM   #27
Nickel D Nickel D is offline
Veteran
 
Nickel D's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Casino cash: $11006781
Andy Reid in GIF = Kool-Aid Man
Posts: 1,321
Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.Nickel D would the whole thing.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 01:05 PM   #28
duncan_idaho duncan_idaho is offline
M-I-Z-Z-O-U
 
duncan_idaho's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Kansas City
Casino cash: $-2199692
Really well done. And very - as noted - depressingly accurate.
__________________
"You gotta love livin', cause dying is a pain in the ass."
---- Sinatra
Posts: 22,461
duncan_idaho is obviously part of the inner Circle.duncan_idaho is obviously part of the inner Circle.duncan_idaho is obviously part of the inner Circle.duncan_idaho is obviously part of the inner Circle.duncan_idaho is obviously part of the inner Circle.duncan_idaho is obviously part of the inner Circle.duncan_idaho is obviously part of the inner Circle.duncan_idaho is obviously part of the inner Circle.duncan_idaho is obviously part of the inner Circle.duncan_idaho is obviously part of the inner Circle.duncan_idaho is obviously part of the inner Circle.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 01:53 PM   #29
Dallas Chief Dallas Chief is offline
Veteran
 
Dallas Chief's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Jupiter, FL.
Casino cash: $-1244727
Thanks! The Seahawks bit made me chuckle!
Posts: 3,856
Dallas Chief threw an interception on a screen pass.Dallas Chief threw an interception on a screen pass.Dallas Chief threw an interception on a screen pass.Dallas Chief threw an interception on a screen pass.Dallas Chief threw an interception on a screen pass.Dallas Chief threw an interception on a screen pass.Dallas Chief threw an interception on a screen pass.Dallas Chief threw an interception on a screen pass.Dallas Chief threw an interception on a screen pass.Dallas Chief threw an interception on a screen pass.Dallas Chief threw an interception on a screen pass.
     Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2014, 01:56 PM   #30
PunkinDrublic PunkinDrublic is offline
Stay down bitch!
 
PunkinDrublic's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Plano, TX
Casino cash: $4300670
Always look forward to reading these, but cringe when it's the Chiefs turn to get roasted.
__________________
Disappointing my parents since 1976
Posts: 9,558
PunkinDrublic has enough rep power to blowy ou to bits.PunkinDrublic has enough rep power to blowy ou to bits.PunkinDrublic has enough rep power to blowy ou to bits.PunkinDrublic has enough rep power to blowy ou to bits.PunkinDrublic has enough rep power to blowy ou to bits.PunkinDrublic has enough rep power to blowy ou to bits.PunkinDrublic has enough rep power to blowy ou to bits.PunkinDrublic has enough rep power to blowy ou to bits.PunkinDrublic has enough rep power to blowy ou to bits.PunkinDrublic has enough rep power to blowy ou to bits.PunkinDrublic has enough rep power to blowy ou to bits.
     Reply With Quote
Reply
Page 2 of 5 1 2 345

« Previous Thread | > Nzoner's Game Room < | Next Thread »

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump




All times are GMT -6. The time now is 06:50 AM.

Contact Us - ChiefsPlanet - Archive - Top

This is a test for a client's site.
Fort Worth Texas Process Servers
Covering Arlington, Fort Worth, Grand Prairie and surrounding communities.
Tarrant County, Texas and Johnson County, Texas.
Advertise with us!
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.