ChiefsPlanet Spotlight: KurtCobain

[TLO]

How is transitioning to life outside of prison? I've always assumed it would be incredibly difficult if you spent any amount of time inside. Is this an accurate assumption?

[ptlyon]

Originally Posted by TLO

How is transitioning to life outside of prison? I've always assumed it would be incredibly difficult if you spent any amount of time inside. Is this an accurate assumption?

It was pretty difficult for Brooks

[Buehler445]

Originally Posted by TLO

How is transitioning to life outside of prison? I've always assumed it would be incredibly difficult if you spent any amount of time inside. Is this an accurate assumption?

Are you on parole? We hired this **** that was on parole and he told me that something reeruned like 89% (IIRC - whatever - stupid high number) of parolees go back to prison for violating it.

[KurtCobain]

Originally Posted by TLO

How is transitioning to life outside of prison? I've always assumed it would be incredibly difficult if you spent any amount of time inside. Is this an accurate assumption?

This question I am going to answer very seriously, because it covers an important aspect of my life right now.

I think it three important variables should be taken into consideration. A) How much time did you do? B) Do you want something better for yourself? C) How stable is your support system?

The first time I went to prison I did less than a year. I got out with a girlfriend that I have had for a long time and two young kids, one being born while I was gone. My mom was still locked up and my closest friends that I still considered family we're all users and some of them were active criminals. My girlfriend's mom let me move in and was very supportive. I did treatment and I wanted to make a better life for myself knowing I was only 20 years old and had my whole life ahead of me. But I quickly found out I wasn't ready to give up the lifestyle that I enjoyed so much. I spent three years Teeter tottering back and forth in between being a good person and loving father and being an abuser to the people that I loved.

I quit doing drugs all together I started drinking because I never had a drinking problem, I had a drug problem. Then the drinking got out of hand my new wife wanted a divorce and I quickly spiraled out of control and found myself back in prison.

Time in: 10 months Time Out: 3 1/2 years

My second incarceration I spent most of my time talking to a girl I had recently met before getting locked up. She validated the notion that I was still worth something to someone. I also spent time building a relationship with my mother who was a couple years into sobriety. It is well documented on here in the dating megathread what I went through upon my release with this chick. I thought I wanted to be a productive member of society but never took the time to really grasp what that meant. My entire mental state of being was founded on trying to make this girl I "Could not live without" stay with me. I moved in with her even after finding out she had a new boyfriend three weeks prior to my release. I was in a bar the night of getting out drunk. I ran from the cops the next night, but left my prison fleece jacket in the car with my name on it, so even though I got away, they called my PO. I was wanted almost immediately. I was high on Meth almost daily within two months. I had built a foundation built on broken promises and plenty of lies to my loved ones. I had good support, especially from (suprisingly at the time) my mom, but noone knew the extent of how bad I was trying to self sabotage my life. I also had a detailed mental health plan based on past successes, and I quit taking my meds a month(the whole supply DOC gave me) after getting out because I couldn't be bothered to go see a shrink on the streets. I was self medicating anyways.

Time In : 2 years Time Out : Almost four months.

In August 2015 I was sitting in the Jackson County jail a shell of who I wanted to be as a kid. I was broken.I was full of self pity and doubt. My friends and family would not come visit me, except for my mom. She said since I never gave up on her during her darkest times, now she wouldn't give up on me. Something in a visit she said that I'll never forget was about the Royals Championship. She said it was beautiful that nobody in KC did anything crazy after the win like setting fires or flipping cars. I said if I was out there I would have flipped a car, and right away she said "And that type of thinking is why you're in here." Such a by the way comment might have saved my life.

If you have loved ones getting out of prison wanting to adjust and become better versions of themselves if you have to know they can't do it for you. They can't do it for a girlfriend or their kids. They have to do it because they want it. They'll tell you they want it when they really don't. They'll tell themselves they want it when they really don't. It's making me tear up a little thinking about it. Being okay with hurting people who care about you and making victims out of strangers for selfish reasons is a mindset that is hard to break. So many dudes that have good hearts deep down will never make it out. They'll spend their lives in prison or die in the streets. It's ****ed up.

I have no advice for how you get to the point of reallly wanting it. You'll notice certain thought patterns changing and criminal habits breaking up a bitt.. Guilt for wrongdoings will be stronger, annd you will want to feel it, not hide it with drugs. Noone will believe you, you will most likely be past the point of anybody taking your word seriously. You will be okay with proving yourself to the people people every single moment of every day as you're being watched. And although you'll be scared, you'll feel good as the days go on.

My mom offered forme to come live in kansas with her and my grandma. She thought she could "fix" me. But I want to earn this. So I decided to come to the Healing House, a transitional living place. It's not cheap and it's not easy but I have a bubble to come back to and I get more and more freedom as I prove I deserve it. I work hard. I do alot of meetings. I tallk to a therapist everyy week. I was easily overwhelmed by riding the bus and going to walmart and being around women when I first got out, but it's getting better. I went to a parent teacher meeting yesterday. I loved it.

Time In : 4 years. Tiime Out : 2 months and one day at a time.

[luv]

Originally Posted by KurtCobain

...

I have no advice for how you get to the point of reallly wanting it. You'll notice certain thought patterns changing and criminal habits breaking up a bitt.. Guilt for wrongdoings will be stronger, annd you will want to feel it, not hide it with drugs. Noone will believe you, you will most likely be past the point of anybody taking your word seriously. You will be okay with proving yourself to the people people every single moment of every day as you're being watched. And although you'll be scared, you'll feel good as the days go on.

My mom offered forme to come live in kansas with her and my grandma. She thought she could "fix" me. But I want to earn this. So I decided to come to the Healing House, a transitional living place. It's not cheap and it's not easy but I have a bubble to come back to and I get more and more freedom as I prove I deserve it. I work hard. I do alot of meetings. I tallk to a therapist everyy week. I was easily overwhelmed by riding the bus and going to walmart and being around women when I first got out, but it's getting better. I went to a parent teacher meeting yesterday. I loved it.

Time In : 4 years. Tiime Out : 2 months and one day at a time.

Two thoughts while reading this stand out in my mind even after reading on in the thread.

1. Although people are watching you, and you have to answer to a number of people right now, just remember that the only person you have to prove anything to is yourself. Only you can work through your self-doubt. As long as you're positive about yourself and moving on the path you want to be on, **** what everyone else thinks.

2. It's awesome that you're working hard and building yourself up by setting goals and accomplishing them. Just be sure to know that it's okay to ask for help when you need it. Everyone has something that they're trying to overcome, and addiction is no small hill.

[KurtCobain]

Originally Posted by luv

Two thoughts while reading this stand out in my mind even after reading on in the thread.

1. Although people are watching you, and you have to answer to a number of people right now, just remember that the only person you have to prove anything to is yourself. Only you can work through your self-doubt. As long as you're positive about yourself and moving on the path you want to be on, **** what everyone else thinks.

That's a big part of it for sure. At this point I'm just letting people get to know the work in progress me, and if they're not on board down the road, **** em.

[lewdog]

Originally Posted by KurtCobain

This question I am going to answer very seriously, because it covers an important aspect of my life right now.

I think it three important variables should be taken into consideration. A) How much time did you do? B) Do you want something better for yourself? C) How stable is your support system?

The first time I went to prison I did less than a year. I got out with a girlfriend that I have had for a long time and two young kids, one being born while I was gone. My mom was still locked up and my closest friends that I still considered family we're all users and some of them were active criminals. My girlfriend's mom let me move in and was very supportive. I did treatment and I wanted to make a better life for myself knowing I was only 20 years old and had my whole life ahead of me. But I quickly found out I wasn't ready to give up the lifestyle that I enjoyed so much. I spent three years Teeter tottering back and forth in between being a good person and loving father and being an abuser to the people that I loved.

I quit doing drugs all together I started drinking because I never had a drinking problem, I had a drug problem. Then the drinking got out of hand my new wife wanted a divorce and I quickly spiraled out of control and found myself back in prison.

Time in: 10 months Time Out: 3 1/2 years

My second incarceration I spent most of my time talking to a girl I had recently met before getting locked up. She validated the notion that I was still worth something to someone. I also spent time building a relationship with my mother who was a couple years into sobriety. It is well documented on here in the dating megathread what I went through upon my release with this chick. I thought I wanted to be a productive member of society but never took the time to really grasp what that meant. My entire mental state of being was founded on trying to make this girl I "Could not live without" stay with me. I moved in with her even after finding out she had a new boyfriend three weeks prior to my release. I was in a bar the night of getting out drunk. I ran from the cops the next night, but left my prison fleece jacket in the car with my name on it, so even though I got away, they called my PO. I was wanted almost immediately. I was high on Meth almost daily within two months. I had built a foundation built on broken promises and plenty of lies to my loved ones. I had good support, especially from (suprisingly at the time) my mom, but noone knew the extent of how bad I was trying to self sabotage my life. I also had a detailed mental health plan based on past successes, and I quit taking my meds a month(the whole supply DOC gave me) after getting out because I couldn't be bothered to go see a shrink on the streets. I was self medicating anyways.

Time In : 2 years Time Out : Almost four months.

In August 2015 I was sitting in the Jackson County jail a shell of who I wanted to be as a kid. I was broken.I was full of self pity and doubt. My friends and family would not come visit me, except for my mom. She said since I never gave up on her during her darkest times, now she wouldn't give up on me. Something in a visit she said that I'll never forget was about the Royals Championship. She said it was beautiful that nobody in KC did anything crazy after the win like setting fires or flipping cars. I said if I was out there I would have flipped a car, and right away she said "And that type of thinking is why you're in here." Such a by the way comment might have saved my life.

If you have loved ones getting out of prison wanting to adjust and become better versions of themselves if you have to know they can't do it for you. They can't do it for a girlfriend or their kids. They have to do it because they want it. They'll tell you they want it when they really don't. They'll tell themselves they want it when they really don't. It's making me tear up a little thinking about it. Being okay with hurting people who care about you and making victims out of strangers for selfish reasons is a mindset that is hard to break. So many dudes that have good hearts deep down will never make it out. They'll spend their lives in prison or die in the streets. It's ****ed up.

I have no advice for how you get to the point of reallly wanting it. You'll notice certain thought patterns changing and criminal habits breaking up a bitt.. Guilt for wrongdoings will be stronger, annd you will want to feel it, not hide it with drugs. Noone will believe you, you will most likely be past the point of anybody taking your word seriously. You will be okay with proving yourself to the people people every single moment of every day as you're being watched. And although you'll be scared, you'll feel good as the days go on.

My mom offered forme to come live in kansas with her and my grandma. She thought she could "fix" me. But I want to earn this. So I decided to come to the Healing House, a transitional living place. It's not cheap and it's not easy but I have a bubble to come back to and I get more and more freedom as I prove I deserve it. I work hard. I do alot of meetings. I tallk to a therapist everyy week. I was easily overwhelmed by riding the bus and going to walmart and being around women when I first got out, but it's getting better. I went to a parent teacher meeting yesterday. I loved it.

Time In : 4 years. Tiime Out : 2 months and one day at a time.

Here's what this post also tells me.....

Keep doing the therapy. Maybe forever. Making yourself accountable to a stranger can also make your more accountable to yourself.

Good stuff. Keep earning it every day.