Who’s had a colonoscopy?

[FloridaMan88]

The best thing Peter King has ever written.

Link: https://www.si.com/.amp/nfl/2018/05/...-kickoff-rules

I was scheduled for a colonoscopy on Thursday at 1 p.m. in West Paterson, N.J. If you've had one, or if you’ve had any intestinal procedure, you know that the day before such an internal snaking you’ve got to be, well, cleaned out. One problem for me: On Wednesday, I was covering the Vince Young pro day workout at the University of Texas in Austin. I was supposed to begin colonoscopy prep at 1 p.m. Wednesday—when the pro day was in progress. My flight was due to leave Austin three hours later, and I was scheduled to get home by 8. In other words, I was not going to have the home-bathroom advantage for a good portion of the internal preparation.

Pretty tricky. I’ve had two prior colonoscopies (you should have these things fairly regularly after turning 40, and I’m 48) and know that once you begin your prep work, it's about a six-hour process. So I figure, OK, I'll start on the plane, then finish at home.

I took the first of the preparatory medication (and believe me, that's putting it very nicely) just before the three-plus-hour flight took off from Austin. I was in fine shape until maybe 40 minutes from landing in Newark, when the captain came over the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve been told by the tower in Newark that we’re going to have to slow things up a bit because of traffic into the New York area. They’re putting us into a holding pattern, and we’re going to head over to Pennsylvania to circle …”

My worst nightmare, coming true. It would get worse 10 minutes later, as we were banking bumpily somewhere over southeastern Pennsylvania. The flight attendant came on and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, because of the bumpy ride, we’re going to be turning on the fasten seat belt sign for the remainder of the flight ...”

AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

Deep breaths. Long, deep breaths. Bumping around for 45 minutes. An eternity. Hold on. Just hold on. You raised two kids not to be ax murderers, you can survive this. I may have to get up and brawl with this flight attendant in a minute because of the seat belt sign.

Out of the holding pattern. Seven or eight minutes later, like the God of Aviation knew what was happening inside me at that moment, the captain came on and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re on our final approach into the Newark area.
Day of my wedding. Births of my children. Red Sox win the World Series. Landing in Newark.

Once off the plane, I was as dignified as was humanly possible. I brisk-walked to the men’s room, found a stall, and … well, the rest is colonoscopy history.

[seclark]

Originally Posted by ptlyon

53 still have yet to have one. I have a friend that is a GI nurse, tells me what Dr to see. Every year at my annual regular Dr checkup, you know the one you have to have before they'll reup your meds, they ask. No I haven't I say, your office was supposed to set up the appointment. I never received a call.

Not sure who is ****ing up here, my my PCP or the GI office, but just stupid.

I’m serious…have you had one check your prostrate with their finger up your ass?
Keep out of this billay
sec

[ptlyon]

Originally Posted by seclark

I’m serious…have you had one check your prostrate with their finger up your ass?
Keep out of this billay
sec

Nope. A boy can dream...

[seclark]

Originally Posted by ptlyon

Nope. A boy can dream...

Okay, that’s cool because it’s a terrible thing to experience.
Especially if you have a ruptured appendix that’s gone septic.
But there’s reasons to do it just like squeezing your nuts, looking for tumors and shit.
Take the ****in tests and live longer my friend.
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[ptlyon]

Originally Posted by seclark

Okay, that’s cool because it’s a terrible thing to experience.
Especially if you have a ruptured appendix that’s gone septic.
But there’s reasons to do it just like squeezing your nuts, looking for tumors and shit.
Take the ****in tests and live longer my friend.
sec

It's not like I'm against it. I'm just not doing the leg work for the shit they're being paid to do. F em.

[scho63]

"Who’s had a colonoscopy?"

With or without a doctor. I need some clarification...........

[Otter]

I think DC is becoming more of a joy to visit than the lounge.

[Mecca]

How about a colostomy, who's had one of those?

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Mecca

How about a colostomy, who's had one of those?

I'm always very careful when I check in for my colonoscopy that I don't accidentally say I'm there for a colostomy.

[Passepartout]

Had my first last September 7th! Had to fast about. Will have to do it in five years.

[dlphg9]

What kind of sensations did you feel? Did you do anything that made it more pleasurable to your doc?

[Easy 6]

I went with ColoGuard instead, it achieves the same thing with a lot less hassle... just poop in a cup and send it off to the lab, 99% accuracy

[BigRedChief]

Originally Posted by Chief Ten Beers

I went with ColoGuard instead, it achieves the same thing with a lot less hassle... just poop in a cup and send it off to the lab, 99% accuracy

Dude, thats not even close to the truth.

You cant shortcut this. By the time you see blood or experience any pain, its too late, you could already be dead. It's just a question of how long you have left.

[Woogieman]

It was nothing...the prep was no big deal (pill and a bottle of gatorade?). The procedure itself was nothing. You count to 10 (but only make it to 5), and you wake up what feels like 2 minutes later, and you have proof that you have no polyps or irregularities. Do NOT be fooled into thinking COlo-guard is an acceptable substitute.

[DCTwister]

Alright I am 52 and had mine last week. The prep was exciting, fountains of shit for 24 hours followed by liquid diet for day and a half before. All in all not fun, but not that bad.

I am pretty healthy but they found and removed 3 polyps. They were all benign, but they were the type that if were left alone, frequently develop into cancer after another 5 years or so. I am good to go, and thankful for modern science.

So this is a public service announcement, go get your colonoscopy as soon as recommended. Colon cancer is highly preventable if you get the anal probing.