Job interview - make your destiny here.

[Rain Man]

I'm thinking about hiring someone, and my lawyer tells me that I need to open up my search beyond merely competent, trained people. So if you'd like to be considered for an exciting career in market research, please answer the following questions in this initial interview. If you answer the questions properly, I'll give you a job.

On your mark, get set, go.

Situational Questions

1. You are at a party, and you meet a brand manager at Burger King. She mentions that she thinks the whole psychotic king ad theme is getting old, but she’s not sure. What do you say or do?
2. You are in a meeting with the president of the firm, two other senior managers, three other analysts, two interns, and a client who’s picky about their report. Suddenly, a Nazi soldier throws one of those potato masher hand grenades into the room. What do you say or do?
3. You are on a cruise ship with your boss when it hits an old Nazi sea mine and sinks. There are only two life preservers left, and you, your boss, and your boss’s prized rare medieval anvil are alone on the deck. What do you say or do?
4. You and your boss are on your way to an interview. You arrive early and visit the restroom, and while inside you see a pair of feet under a stall and a competitor’s proposal sitting on the counter with another document titled, “Our Top-Secret Plan to Beat [your company]”. What do you say or do?
5. You are on a business trip with your boss. At dinner, your boss stands up and accidentally hits a tray being carried by a waiter. The tray tips and the waiter falls. As he goes down, he clutches frantically and accidentally grabs the strapless evening gown of a beautiful woman at the next table, pulling it off of her. Screaming, she jumps up and tries to cover herself with the tablecloth, pulling all of the food off the table. One of the candles ignites the Baked Alaska, and the carpet catches on fire. Everybody runs, and within minutes the entire restaurant goes up in flames. You and your boss are separated amidst the chaos, and you have to hitchhike home because he had the airline tickets. Once you arrive back at the office, what do you say or do?
6. Your boss mentions that he’s going to have to move his anvil collection this weekend, and asks for volunteers to help. What do you say or do?

Personality Questions

7. If you were a planet, dwarf planet, moon, or asteroid, which one would you be, and why?
8. Excluding all Americans and English, which major or minor leader or general during World War II do you most resemble in personality, and why?
9. If you could change one thing about your current grocery store, what would it be and why?
10. Tarzan lived during the 1930s, as played by Johnny Weismuller. He’s got to be dead by now. How do you think he died?
11. A priest, a hooker, and Paris Hilton walk into a bar. What happens next?
12. I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What number do you think it is?

[Bob Dole]

That's really complicated.

Could you narrow it down to just 3 questions?

[Rain Man]

This test is scientifically designed to find the best candidates.

Or you can just answer three. Whatever.

[FAX]

Dang. This exam is a job unto itself.

FAX

[Bob Dole]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

This test is scientifically designed to find the best candidates.

Or you can just answer three. Whatever.

You can expect to hear from Gloria Allred tomorrow.

[Hootie]

1. You are at a party, and you meet a brand manager at Burger King. She mentions that she thinks the whole psychotic king ad theme is getting old, but she’s not sure. What do you say or do?

Can I buy you a drink?

2. You are in a meeting with the president of the firm, two other senior managers, three other analysts, two interns, and a client who’s picky about their report. Suddenly, a Nazi soldier throws one of those potato masher hand grenades into the room. What do you say or do?

I pull my pants down and recite Billy Joel lyrics.


3. You are on a cruise ship with your boss when it hits an old Nazi sea mine and sinks. There are only two life preservers left, and you, your boss, and your boss’s prized rare medieval anvil are alone on the deck. What do you say or do?

Is this a trick question?


4. You and your boss are on your way to an interview. You arrive early and visit the restroom, and while inside you see a pair of feet under a stall and a competitor’s proposal sitting on the counter with another document titled, “Our Top-Secret Plan to Beat [your company]”. What do you say or do?

I wonder why I'm in the women's restroom.


5. You are on a business trip with your boss. At dinner, your boss stands up and accidentally hits a tray being carried by a waiter. The tray tips and the waiter falls. As he goes down, he clutches frantically and accidentally grabs the strapless evening gown of a beautiful woman at the next table, pulling it off of her. Screaming, she jumps up and tries to cover herself with the tablecloth, pulling all of the food off the table. One of the candles ignites the Baked Alaska, and the carpet catches on fire. Everybody runs, and within minutes the entire restaurant goes up in flames. You and your boss are separated amidst the chaos, and you have to hitchhike home because he had the airline tickets. Once you arrive back at the office, what do you say or do?

Did you pick up the check? Because I certainly didn't...


6. Your boss mentions that he’s going to have to move his anvil collection this weekend, and asks for volunteers to help. What do you say or do?

I'm deaf.

[Hammock Parties]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Situational Questions

1. You are at a party, and you meet a brand manager at Burger King. She mentions that she thinks the whole psychotic king ad theme is getting old, but she’s not sure. What do you say or do?

I tell her that I think the Burger King ads are hilarious and I enjoy watching them, but they should do something new. Have the King faceoff in a boxing match with Ronald McDonald.

2. You are in a meeting with the president of the firm, two other senior managers, three other analysts, two interns, and a client who’s picky about their report. Suddenly, a Nazi soldier throws one of those potato masher hand grenades into the room. What do you say or do?

I throw the president on top of the grenade. He's useless anyway. The company will receive a great boost in morale from his "heroic sacrifice."

3. You are on a cruise ship with your boss when it hits an old Nazi sea mine and sinks. There are only two life preservers left, and you, your boss, and your boss’s prized rare medieval anvil are alone on the deck. What do you say or do?

I don't really think much of anvils. I'm a nice guy, so he can have the other life preserver. I'm taking mine come hell or high water.

4. You and your boss are on your way to an interview. You arrive early and visit the restroom, and while inside you see a pair of feet under a stall and a competitor’s proposal sitting on the counter with another document titled, “Our Top-Secret Plan to Beat [your company]”. What do you say or do?

Grab the document, flush it, and walk discreetly out before the other stall occupant has a chance to realize what happened.

5. You are on a business trip with your boss. At dinner, your boss stands up and accidentally hits a tray being carried by a waiter. The tray tips and the waiter falls. As he goes down, he clutches frantically and accidentally grabs the strapless evening gown of a beautiful woman at the next table, pulling it off of her. Screaming, she jumps up and tries to cover herself with the tablecloth, pulling all of the food off the table. One of the candles ignites the Baked Alaska, and the carpet catches on fire. Everybody runs, and within minutes the entire restaurant goes up in flames. You and your boss are separated amidst the chaos, and you have to hitchhike home because he had the airline tickets. Once you arrive back at the office, what do you say or do?

I'd ask for a bonus.

6. Your boss mentions that he’s going to have to move his anvil collection this weekend, and asks for volunteers to help. What do you say or do?

I tell him I'll pitch in if he'll help me move my boulder collection next weekend.

7. If you were a planet, dwarf planet, moon, or asteroid, which one would you be, and why?

I'd be a moon. I'm lonely and worthless, but have an annoying habit of screwing up your tides.

8. Excluding all Americans and English, which major or minor leader or general during World War II do you most resemble in personality, and why?

That guy with the mustache. I can really inspire people around me. You should have seen me at the Raiders game.

9. If you could change one thing about your current grocery store, what would it be and why?

Complimentary blowjobs.

10. Tarzan lived during the 1930s, as played by Johnny Weismuller. He’s got to be dead by now. How do you think he died?

A nazi soldier threw a potato-masher grenade into his hut.

11. A priest, a hooker, and Paris Hilton walk into a bar. What happens next?

The priest breaks one of his vows.

12. I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What number do you think it is?

12.679038

[Hootie]

7. If you were a planet, dwarf planet, moon, or asteroid, which one would you be, and why?

Planet. No real reason.

8. Excluding all Americans and English, which major or minor leader or general during World War II do you most resemble in personality, and why?

Hitler...I love blondes.


9. If you could change one thing about your current grocery store, what would it be and why?

People greeters piss me off...


10. Tarzan lived during the 1930s, as played by Johnny Weismuller. He’s got to be dead by now. How do you think he died?

Diabetes.


11. A priest, a hooker, and Paris Hilton walk into a bar. What happens next?

Nicole Richie ducks?


12. I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What number do you think it is?

24

[Rain Man]

These are great answers so far. I think I've got some viable candidates.

[banyon]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

I'm thinking about hiring someone, and my lawyer tells me that I need to open up my search beyond merely competent, trained people. So if you'd like to be considered for an exciting career in market research, please answer the following questions in this initial interview. If you answer the questions properly, I'll give you a job.

On your mark, get set, go.

Situational Questions

1. You are at a party, and you meet a brand manager at Burger King. She mentions that she thinks the whole psychotic king ad theme is getting old, but she’s not sure. What do you say or do?

I think the only right thing to do is nail her and then when she wakes up have that BK mask on to see what happens.

2. You are in a meeting with the president of the firm, two other senior managers, three other analysts, two interns, and a client who’s picky about their report. Suddenly, a Nazi soldier throws one of those potato masher hand grenades into the room. What do you say or do?

Throw one of the interns on it immediately. Thier only worth is as processed meat anyway.

3. You are on a cruise ship with your boss when it hits an old Nazi sea mine and sinks. There are only two life preservers left, and you, your boss, and your boss’s prized rare medieval anvil are alone on the deck. What do you say or do?

Tough one. I say tie the two preservers together, wait until boss sinks and then use both preservers for extra flotation buoyancy on the cushy ride home. Guarantees promotion since there will need to be a new boss and I'll get bumped up.

4. You and your boss are on your way to an interview. You arrive early and visit the restroom, and while inside you see a pair of feet under a stall and a competitor’s proposal sitting on the counter with another document titled, “Our Top-Secret Plan to Beat [your company]”. What do you say or do?

Run over to stall. Tie Competitor's shoelaces together. Wait until he tries to get out and falls on the floor at which point you show him you have their plans and say "Nahnee nahnee boo-boo" moon him, and be on your way.

5. You are on a business trip with your boss. At dinner, your boss stands up and accidentally hits a tray being carried by a waiter. The tray tips and the waiter falls. As he goes down, he clutches frantically and accidentally grabs the strapless evening gown of a beautiful woman at the next table, pulling it off of her. Screaming, she jumps up and tries to cover herself with the tablecloth, pulling all of the food off the table. One of the candles ignites the Baked Alaska, and the carpet catches on fire. Everybody runs, and within minutes the entire restaurant goes up in flames. You and your boss are separated amidst the chaos, and you have to hitchhike home because he had the airline tickets. Once you arrive back at the office, what do you say or do?

Wait, what's the chick without the gown doing at the end? That has to be priority 1. Hopefully I got her digits. other than that, covering the Bosses' a** is okay so long as it doesn't conflict with priority #1.

6. Your boss mentions that he’s going to have to move his anvil collection this weekend, and asks for volunteers to help. What do you say or do?

Volunteer to organize volunteer group.

Personality Questions

7. If you were a planet, dwarf planet, moon, or asteroid, which one would you be, and why?


Asteroid, they get to see all of the cool stuff in the galaxy before their eventual collision with another object.

8. Excluding all Americans and English, which major or minor leader or general during World War II do you most resemble in personality, and why?


Rommel- The Desert Fox. Wily, and chafing from sand irritation.

9. If you could change one thing about your current grocery store, what would it be and why?

I would make the Merc less expensive because, well it is too expensive.

10. Tarzan lived during the 1930s, as played by Johnny Weismuller. He’s got to be dead by now. How do you think he died?

At age seventy, having a flashback and grabbing a dangling power line trying to swing across a busy intersection while doing the Tarzan yell.

11. A priest, a hooker, and Paris Hilton walk into a bar. What happens next?

There are only 2 people in the bar? Not very crowded. I guess she could confess to the priest.

12. I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What number do you think it is?

27. Must always stay focused on LJ.

[Infidel Goat]

The answer to question 9 is that my grocery store would sell beer on Sunday mornings.

I am seriously considering suing the state to change the blue laws; they are a clear violation of the separation of church and state. Honestly, I think I could win the case without a lawyer.

And if I would do that, everyone should just mail me cash.

[Bob Dole]

Does the successful applicant have to move to Denver? Because it's going to take a lot of money for Bob Dole to move to Denver.

[stumppy]

My 3 answers:

2. Yes
7. Secret Squid
11. My dogs name is Boner

[KCGridironBeast]

1. You are at a party, and you meet a brand manager at Burger King. She mentions that she thinks the whole psychotic king ad theme is getting old, but she’s not sure. What do you say or do?

I hysterically, yet calmly, say, "Are you out of your mind, woman? The commercials with the King interjected in the middle of a real NFL play are the best non-Man Law commercials on TV!"

2. You are in a meeting with the president of the firm, two other senior managers, three other analysts, two interns, and a client who’s picky about their report. Suddenly, a Nazi soldier throws one of those potato masher hand grenades into the room. What do you say or do?

Grab the Nazi soldier and use him as defense against shrapnel.

3. You are on a cruise ship with your boss when it hits an old Nazi sea mine and sinks. There are only two life preservers left, and you, your boss, and your boss’s prized rare medieval anvil are alone on the deck. What do you say or do?

Put the anvil in my boss' hands and shove him overboard. Use both life preservers for myself so I may float to safety more comfortably and in style.

4. You and your boss are on your way to an interview. You arrive early and visit the restroom, and while inside you see a pair of feet under a stall and a competitor’s proposal sitting on the counter with another document titled, “Our Top-Secret Plan to Beat [your company]”. What do you say or do?

Use the proposal to wipe in the event that there is no toilet paper.

5. You are on a business trip with your boss. At dinner, your boss stands up and accidentally hits a tray being carried by a waiter. The tray tips and the waiter falls. As he goes down, he clutches frantically and accidentally grabs the strapless evening gown of a beautiful woman at the next table, pulling it off of her. Screaming, she jumps up and tries to cover herself with the tablecloth, pulling all of the food off the table. One of the candles ignites the Baked Alaska, and the carpet catches on fire. Everybody runs, and within minutes the entire restaurant goes up in flames. You and your boss are separated amidst the chaos, and you have to hitchhike home because he had the airline tickets. Once you arrive back at the office, what do you say or do?

Get the phone number of the beautiful woman. Try to make her my wife, Borat-style.

6. Your boss mentions that he’s going to have to move his anvil collection this weekend, and asks for volunteers to help. What do you say or do?

Go to his house and bench press the anvil collection. Then leave.

Personality Questions

7. If you were a planet, dwarf planet, moon, or asteroid, which one would you be, and why?

An asteroid, so Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and company would land on me and try to drill 800 feet and blow me up, which would be hella cool. Only they wouldn't succeed, because I'm a more badass asteroid than that other one and I would find a way to make them all die (Ben Affleck would die twice, just for kicks)

8. Excluding all Americans and English, which major or minor leader or general during World War II do you most resemble in personality, and why?

Benito Amilcare Andrea Mussolini. Because if my parents had given me a female's middle name like "Andrea", I would probably be as crazy as he was.

9. If you could change one thing about your current grocery store, what would it be and why?

Taco John would bag my groceries. Oh wait, he already does. I guess I would replace shopping carts with Go-Carts. Chaos and hilarity would ensue.

10. Tarzan lived during the 1930s, as played by Johnny Weismuller. He’s got to be dead by now. How do you think he died?

He got bronchitis, lost his voice, couldn't do his famous yell and used one of those rope vines that he used to swing on to hang himself.

11. A priest, a hooker, and Paris Hilton walk into a bar. What happens next?
The priest runs the camera while Paris Hilton and the hooker get it on.

12. I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What number do you think it is?

27. Because Larry Johnson said so.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Bob Dole

Does the successful applicant have to move to Denver? Because it's going to take a lot of money for Bob Dole to move to Denver.

This is not a job requirement. However, the successful applicant will have to work in Denver, and commuting times should be considered.