Hypothetical: An Intruder In Your Home

[Rain Man]

Here's the scenario.

After a long day at work, you come home to your tastefully appointed two-story suburban home. As you pull into the garage, you notice that your neighbors are home on both sides, and silently say thanks for your large yard since one of them is hard of hearing and has a Matlock rerun turned up at full volume, and the other is having another one of those weird parties where everyone shows up in leather and big stuffed animal costumes. But they're far enough away that you won't notice anything once you're inside.

Your significant other and any kids are out of town at a luge convention, so you have the house to yourself. You eat ribs and baked beans over the sink, play angry birds until your phone dies, and leave it in the living room to charge.

You watch a couple of old episodes of M*A*S*H (including one where Alan Alda talks about how senseless war is), and then decide to go upstairs to bed. You wander up, forgetting your phone, and brush your teeth.

You're just about to take off your shoes, and you hear a noise. A crash of broken glass. Then some scrabbling noises and there are footsteps downstairs. It's obvious that someone has broken in.

Ping!

You hear the distinctive sound of an aluminum baseball bat, followed by the sound of broken glass. Then again. And again. You hear drawers opening and closing. You hear a male voice muttering, "No one keeps cash in their house any more," and then hear the distinctive multi-dish crash of your china cabinet being pulled over.

You look around the room, and have the following weapons at your disposal.

- An 8-inch authentic bowie knife that you got during your vacation at the Alamo last year.

- A 28-inch wood baseball bat that you used to drive in the tying run in 8th grade Little League.

- A non-working but realistic-looking replica shotgun that you got on Home Shopping Network's "Tribute to Elmer Fudd" night.

You only have time to grab one weapon since they're all in display mounts on the wall.

You have no gun because your significant other is convinced that if you had a son he would look like Trayvon, and offered you a night that you could not refuse if you would take it to the police station and trade it in for tickets to the upcoming luge convention.

You hear footsteps coming up the stairs. The way the stairs are situated, you can hide behind a corner and get the element of surprise at close range just as the intruder reaches the top of the stairs, or you can stand in the middle of the room and have a 12-foot distance before the person comes into view. If you run toward the stairs, he'll be six steps from the top by the time you arrive.

Once the intruder comes up the stairs, you and he will be in the same room since your house has an open loft-style second floor. There's a closet in the room, and the only furniture is a futon and a couple of spartan Japanese stacking chests.

There is also a window that is open. A jump out the window will lead to a 12-foot fall onto a patio that will almost certainly break a leg but will not be fatal.

Thump. Thump. Thump. The footsteps are coming up the stairs.

What do you do? Assume that you are not a superhero or a ninja, and that you are merely yourself.

Poll coming.

[Skyy God]

Tl:dr on the scenario. I did go over to the ex's 2 hours ago with a 6 iron, however.

[Hammock Parties]

I'd just throw the futon down the stairs. Gonna be hard to survive that.

[TLO]

Write in vote for "Test Rain Man for adderal/ other amphetamines " .

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by T-post Tom

Was Hawkeye bunking with Frank Burns or Charles Emerson Winchester III?

One of each. The one where Winchester had the record player and the one where Burns temporarily ran the camp.

[CrazyPhuD]

We also need a "strip naked throw alka-seltzer tablets in your mouth and charge him yelling 'Bath Salts'" at the top of your lungs option.

[Mav]

Originally Posted by CrazyPhuD

We also need a "strip naked throw alka-seltzer tablets in your mouth and charge him yelling 'Bath Salts'" at the top of your lungs option.

For the WIN.

[ClevelandBronco]

Too late. He killed me while I was reading all that.

[T-post Tom]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

One of each. The one where Winchester had the record player and the one where Burns temporarily ran the camp.

Well that simplifies things. The following list would be quickly done, employing my sub 4.4 40 yd dash speed.

1. Unplug bedroom lamp. Cut the cord off with the bowie knife; making sure that a good inch of wire was exposed at the non-plug end .

2. Cut a hole in the bottom of one of the Japanese stacking boxes. (Sorry this is so obvious.)

3. Snake exposed end of cord thru hole in Japanese stacking box. Place box next to bathroom sink (with lid on).

4. Using the organic toothpaste, write "cash" on lid of altered Japanese stacking box.

5. Plug cord into the GFI circuit near the bathroom sink.

6. Carefully create big puddle of water on the floor in front of sink w/o touching the electrified Japanese stacking box.

7. Leave electric toothbrush on and place the working toothbrush on the back of the toilet tank. This will be loud enough to garner the intruder's attention.

8. Go back to bedroom.

9. Construct a proper mace from the bat and knife. (Duct tape in nightstand. Left over from "date night" with the SO.)

10. Hide behind bedroom door with newly fashioned medieval weapon.

11. Be quiet.

12. Wait for intruder to investigate noise in bathroom.

13. Wait for intruder to see the "cash" box in bathroom and unwittingly move into the puddle of water to investigate the found treasure.

14. Wait for intruder to greedily open "cash" box and get the shock of his life.

15. Bum rush "shocked" intruder and disembowel him with mace.

16. Return to living room to watch M*A*S*H episode where Harry Morgan plays the crazy General Steele.

[Kaepernick]

You forgot an option:

Shoot with spare gun hidden away from ball-and-chain.


Another option:

Divorce wife, keep gun.

[KCrockaholic]

I've always had a fantasy about beating the ****ing shit out of someone with a baseball bat. This would be my chance.

[T-post Tom]

[BlackHelicopters]

Who cleans up the broken glass?

[Sandy Vagina]

Originally Posted by Just Passin' By

Baseball bat + top of stairs = dead intruder

This for sure.

I'd be stealthy about it, just in case. If it were just me, maybe I entertain the thought of intimidation first. Not going to put my family at risk for fun, so I would use the element of surprise and smash him with the bat as he nears the top.

[Nickel D]

My question...just so we're clear on the scenario...is this: Is my home located in Florida?

[seclark]

in this particular scenario, i'd just go to bed. that's the way it sounds every time my wife comes home. i'd just figure it was her coming back early.
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