Life Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female - Page 10

wutamess · 08:45 PM

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

Hootie · 02-13-2011, 03:32 AM

it's just a tough situation...teenagers are starting earlier and earlier...

freshman girls are as mature as senior guys...Senior guys are looking for one thing.

so you're ****ed if you have a young daughter, and feel bad for that 14 year old son you have who looks like he's still 10 and is having a hard time because of it...

I'm not a parent, but I hope to be one someday...my parents are divorced and have lived in different states since I was very young...despite what many think on this site I think they did a pretty good job...but they were different

my dad being strict (and 2 states away) and my mom being too lenient...

anyways I've decided my primary role as a parent is caretaker...I'd love to be able to provide for my children in the best way possible and give them all of the advantages my parents gave me...but I also think my role as a parent is to guide my children...try and set them up to make GOOD decisions...but realize at the end of the day...once they hit that certain age (maybe it's 13, 15...whatever)...it's their decision to make and it's their decision they'll have to live with...some will be good, some will bad...hopefully a lesson will always be learned.

-King- · 02-13-2011, 04:50 AM

I'd say give the phone back but talk to her about it. I also don't get the no texting thing. Why is that there?

But yeah, talk to her. Tell her what you're okay with and not okay with and let her go from there.

Pioli Zombie · 02-13-2011, 06:17 AM

Cassel sucks

BryanBusby · 02-13-2011, 08:36 AM

Only thing I'd say is try not to be too cautious about making your daughter mad. She is a teenager and regardless of what you do, she will eventually hate you regardless.

Choice comes down to having her hate you because you didn't take any shit, or hating you because she felt you were somehow responsible for getting knocked up as a teen and now has no future.

**DeezNutz** · 02-13-2011, 08:43 AM

This is easily one of the most frightening threads on ChiefsPlanet.

To this point, it's also a great illustration that we're not always assholes to our own, as almost all of the responses have been very respectful.

JD10367 · 02-13-2011, 08:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pr_capone

The last thing you want to do is overreact to her budding sexuality. Have a conversation with the wife, then have a conversation with the kid. Time without the phone is likely warranted but flat shutting it down will only make her not want to talk you guys about sex in the future.

This. I'm not a parent, but I'd think if the problem is "girl is too young for sex" the answer is not "take away her phone". You will have to sit down and have a discussion with her (either parent, or both, whatever you think will work better) about sex and waiting and specifically that boys are horny uncaring little bastards who only want to get girls naked. The hard part will be revealing that you invaded her privacy by looking at her phone, but unfortunately the cold truth of it is: when you're a 13-year-old girl, and you're using a phone that you didn't pay for, you don't HAVE any right to privacy. And this situation is the perfect example: kids think they know best, but they don't.

memyselfI · 02-13-2011, 08:50 AM

Sorry fathers, todays 13 does not = 13 of yesteryear.

Chances are pretty good that this young woman is right in her peer group when it comes to sexual exploration. MOF, some are way more advanced. Like losing their virginity.

How to treat her sexuality and how you treat her technological intelligence are two seperate things. She needs to be informed about privacy, safety, and risk involved in participating in Skype, Facebook, etc. She needs to learn these bumps early so that by the time she is 16 or 18 she is not posting pictures of herself in a bikini or sexting.

The natural inclination here is to reign in her usage and control what she's exposed to. I think this is a mistake. You and your wife should monitor her more closely but still allow her to learn the ropes while you still are able to have some sort of control over her behavior. By 16 they know ways around firewalls, webmail, fake screennames in order to avoid parental monitoring. You should make it quite clear to her that this is going to be the case and is part of her accepting a cell phone. It will not be done in private or without her knowledge.

As far as her sexuality, you learned that information by invading her privacy. Thus YOU should have no say in this particular matter. You have vioated her trust. Your wife, OTOH, should start to talk to her about age appropriate limits and stages.

This is not about you or what you think your daughter should be doing sexually. Fact is she is a sexual being and is going to experinent with that fact. Your part in this is to teach her that boys (or girls FTM) are not always going to treat her with her best interest at heart. Thus, she needs to be very careful who she gives herself to...in all ways and always.

Last bit of advice, sign up for Facebook and help her set up her page. Set one up yourself and friend her. Set it up with all the privacy restrictions and keep the password. This will allow her to be learning about FB early vs. later when she has no idea how to handle her personal matters in a public forum.

Kerberos · 02-13-2011, 08:57 AM

It is these kinds of scenarios that make me glad I have a boy. That comes with a whole different type of baggage.

Wut I feel for you man.

memyselfI · 02-13-2011, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JD10367

. The hard part will be revealing that you invaded her privacy by looking at her phone, but unfortunately the cold truth of it is: when you're a 13-year-old girl, and you're using a phone that you didn't pay for, you don't HAVE any right to privacy. And this situation is the perfect example: kids think they know best, but they don't.

I find this attitude so frustrating and completely ignorant. Sorry.

She has every right to expect privacy at 13. The problem is she FORFEITS that right when she decides to share personal information with STRANGERS or others who are not concerned with her privacy.

Telling her she has no privacy will GUARANTEE she will sneak around and lie. Rather, tell her she has the right to exepct privacy but it's hers to LOSE if she does not handle herself appropriately.

Worse yet, the lesson she hears and learns is if she has no expecation or right to privacy and boundaries from her parents then who does she have it from? Do you really want your daughter out in the world not understanding or valuing her personal privacy or boundaries?

JD10367 · 02-13-2011, 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by memyselfI

Sorry fathers, todays 13 does not = 13 of yesteryear.

Chances are pretty good that this young woman is right in her peer group when it comes to sexual exploration. MOF, some are way more advanced. Like losing their virginity.

Frankly, "yesteryear" wasn't much better. Unless you grew up in the 1950s, I'm pretty sure the age of sexual experimentation has always been a lot lower than parents like to think. When they were kids, they probably did it between 10 and 15, but when they become parents they become naturally defensive of their children and suddenly their brain tells them it was really 18-20 that they did that stuff at.

Quote:

The natural inclination here is to reign in her usage and control what she's exposed to. I think this is a mistake. You and your wife should monitor her more closely but still allow her to learn the ropes while you still are able to have some sort of control over her behavior. By 16 they know ways around firewalls, webmail, a fake names in order to avoid parental monitoring. You should make it quite clear to her that this is going to be the case and is part of her accepting a cell phone. It will not be done in private or without her knowledge.

I think parents have a natural tendency to make hard-line boundaries and take stuff away, and forget that it has the exact opposite effect. I know, when I was a kid, the one way to get me to do something was to make it taboo or illegal. Say "don't do..." and a kid will spend every waking moment trying to do it.

When I was around nine, my dad was smoking. I tugged on his jacket and pointed at the cig. He said, "What, you want to try this?" I nodded eagerly. He handed it to me. I took a drag and choked, and spent the next half-hour coughing. He laughed his ass off. I never wanted to smoke cigarettes again. Around the same age, he would buy me little nips of blackberry brandy to try. While other kids were grousing about their parents not letting them drink, I was bragging that my dad bought me nips of blackberry brandy. Obviously I was only sipping on them occasionally, but the simple fact that it was not "off limits" to me made me not want to do it more. He also said, "If you want to get shitfaced, I'll go out and buy you all the beer you want, and you can get shitfaced right here in the house. If you try to go out and do it, I'll beat the crap out of you." And, of course, because that was more of a hard-ass line, I crossed it repeatedly, especially between 17 and 21 (drinking illegally at heavy metal concerts, driving while buzzed, etc.,.). But as soon as I hit 21, my drinking fell off to almost nothing. So I guess my dad did something right. (But I know, in today's world, you could never buy your kid nips of blackberry brandy. They'd take your kids away and throw you in jail.)

**TimeForWasp** · 02-13-2011, 09:00 AM

One thing you could do.

JD10367 · 02-13-2011, 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChiefsNow

One thing you could do.

Yes, but it's expensive to buy so many of them and put them on all the boys in the neighborhood.

dj56dt58 · 02-13-2011, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PornChief

tell her to bring the little dude around for a BBQ or something .

I see where your going with this

**TimeForWasp** · 02-13-2011, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JD10367

Yes, but it's expensive to buy so many of them and put them on all the boys in the neighborhood.

You could get two boys at a time with these.

**Old Dog** · 02-13-2011, 09:24 AM

Taking the phone away would be a big mistake IMO. Not because it was a gift, you can invade her privacy or any of the other BS. It's a fricking electronic leash. There's not a whole lot better ways to keep track of her.
I don't know that I honestly buy off on the whole no boys thing, but if it's a set of rules you installed so be it. Though mine wasn't the least bit interested in boys until about 15 (I wonder if that was why I started losing my hair about that time).

Everyone parents differently, and often each child needs to be parented differently.

02-12-2011, 11:11 PM
wutamess MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lee's Summit Casino cash: $4711637	Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore. So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so. Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand. I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about". When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything. So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc. Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet. My question is... WTF do I do? My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one. I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment. Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start.. Post (THE TALK) Update: This morning... So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go. So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this... Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger). Her: OK Me: Are you ready for sex? Her: No Me: What's stopping you and why not? Her: Becuase it'll hurt Me: That's it? Her: And because of AIDS and diseases Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for? Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff. Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed? Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it. Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY? Her: No! I've never kissed anyone. Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before? Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone. Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me. Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it. Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama? Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales. Her: What's morales? Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers. Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms? Her: yes! Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation? Her: Yes! Me: So do you have any questions? Her: No. Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you? Her: No boys. Me: So why'd you do it? Her: because I thought Skype didn't count Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys? Her: Quiet. I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything? I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic. I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK! Last edited by wutamess; 02-13-2011 at 08:45 PM..
Posts: 8,290

02-13-2011, 03:32 AM	#136
Hootie Banned Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Dallas, Texas Casino cash: $10004900	it's just a tough situation...teenagers are starting earlier and earlier... freshman girls are as mature as senior guys...Senior guys are looking for one thing. so you're ****ed if you have a young daughter, and feel bad for that 14 year old son you have who looks like he's still 10 and is having a hard time because of it... I'm not a parent, but I hope to be one someday...my parents are divorced and have lived in different states since I was very young...despite what many think on this site I think they did a pretty good job...but they were different my dad being strict (and 2 states away) and my mom being too lenient... anyways I've decided my primary role as a parent is caretaker...I'd love to be able to provide for my children in the best way possible and give them all of the advantages my parents gave me...but I also think my role as a parent is to guide my children...try and set them up to make GOOD decisions...but realize at the end of the day...once they hit that certain age (maybe it's 13, 15...whatever)...it's their decision to make and it's their decision they'll have to live with...some will be good, some will bad...hopefully a lesson will always be learned.
Posts: 56,356

02-13-2011, 04:50 AM	#137
-King- ▓▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▓ Join Date: Jan 2009 Casino cash: $-1454257	I'd say give the phone back but talk to her about it. I also don't get the no texting thing. Why is that there? But yeah, talk to her. Tell her what you're okay with and not okay with and let her go from there. __________________ 🏁
Posts: 65,481

02-13-2011, 06:17 AM	#138
Pioli Zombie Banned Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: olathe,kansas Casino cash: $10004900	Cassel sucks
Posts: 11,077

02-13-2011, 08:36 AM	#139
BryanBusby In Search of a Life Join Date: Mar 2006 Casino cash: $3159900 VARSITY	Only thing I'd say is try not to be too cautious about making your daughter mad. She is a teenager and regardless of what you do, she will eventually hate you regardless. Choice comes down to having her hate you because you didn't take any shit, or hating you because she felt you were somehow responsible for getting knocked up as a teen and now has no future.
Posts: 22,639

02-13-2011, 08:50 AM	#142
memyselfI CHANGEd your mind yet???? Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Lunatics Anonymous Casino cash: $10005234	Sorry fathers, todays 13 does not = 13 of yesteryear. Chances are pretty good that this young woman is right in her peer group when it comes to sexual exploration. MOF, some are way more advanced. Like losing their virginity. How to treat her sexuality and how you treat her technological intelligence are two seperate things. She needs to be informed about privacy, safety, and risk involved in participating in Skype, Facebook, etc. She needs to learn these bumps early so that by the time she is 16 or 18 she is not posting pictures of herself in a bikini or sexting. The natural inclination here is to reign in her usage and control what she's exposed to. I think this is a mistake. You and your wife should monitor her more closely but still allow her to learn the ropes while you still are able to have some sort of control over her behavior. By 16 they know ways around firewalls, webmail, fake screennames in order to avoid parental monitoring. You should make it quite clear to her that this is going to be the case and is part of her accepting a cell phone. It will not be done in private or without her knowledge. As far as her sexuality, you learned that information by invading her privacy. Thus YOU should have no say in this particular matter. You have vioated her trust. Your wife, OTOH, should start to talk to her about age appropriate limits and stages. This is not about you or what you think your daughter should be doing sexually. Fact is she is a sexual being and is going to experinent with that fact. Your part in this is to teach her that boys (or girls FTM) are not always going to treat her with her best interest at heart. Thus, she needs to be very careful who she gives herself to...in all ways and always. Last bit of advice, sign up for Facebook and help her set up her page. Set one up yourself and friend her. Set it up with all the privacy restrictions and keep the password. This will allow her to be learning about FB early vs. later when she has no idea how to handle her personal matters in a public forum. __________________ Meet the new boss same as the old boss. BigChiefDave:"Anyone who thought we would only be in Iraq for a few years is either stoned or just stoopid." "It is unknowable how long that conflict will last. It could last 6 days, 6 wks. I doubt 6 mths." Rummy 2/7/03
Posts: 32,000

02-13-2011, 08:57 AM	#143
Kerberos Chiefs Baby Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Henderson, NV Casino cash: $10000632	It is these kinds of scenarios that make me glad I have a boy. That comes with a whole different type of baggage. Wut I feel for you man. __________________ ____________________________________________ She aint a hoe if you don't get laid, and it aint a show if I don't get paid-- Everlast
Posts: 5,638

02-13-2011, 09:00 AM	#146
TimeForWasp Sprinkle in some Mahomes Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Butte Montana Casino cash: $7658507	One thing you could do. Last edited by TimeForWasp; 09-18-2011 at 01:23 PM..
Posts: 8,271

02-13-2011, 09:24 AM	#150
Old Dog Supporter Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: North Central Kansas Casino cash: $2420201	Taking the phone away would be a big mistake IMO. Not because it was a gift, you can invade her privacy or any of the other BS. It's a fricking electronic leash. There's not a whole lot better ways to keep track of her. I don't know that I honestly buy off on the whole no boys thing, but if it's a set of rules you installed so be it. Though mine wasn't the least bit interested in boys until about 15 (I wonder if that was why I started losing my hair about that time). Everyone parents differently, and often each child needs to be parented differently.
Posts: 10,771