Life Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female - Page 11

wutamess · 08:45 PM

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

**BigRedChief** · 02-13-2011, 09:29 AM

You do realize you can go online and see all of her texts, correct? At least you can with ATT. It's okay to look at the texts on her phone but don't say a word about it, you have information that they are not aware that you have. It can help you manage events and your daughter to go down a path that you approve but she herself chooses.

Taking away her phone will not work. This generation lives in and with social media. You can't fight that if you want your daughter to be treated as "normal" by her peers.

Ypu can't "punish" here into making right choices in her life. She now needs your help in making the "right" choice on her own, She has to be allowed to fail and make bad decisions. What you don't want is those "bad" decisions to be something she can't recover from.

There's always going to be a guy who wants to go further that she wants to go, an oppertunity to try drugs, go to parties. You can't stop that from happening. You just have to help her learn how to deal with those situations and hope she makes the right choice.

**Lzen** · 02-13-2011, 09:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WebGem

Mind your own business and stay out of your daughters IMO.

Its his daughter who is living under his roof. She is a minor. It IS his business.

**Old Dog** · 02-13-2011, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lzen

Its his daughter who is living under his roof. She is a minor. It IS his business.

In post #29 he said she lives "under their home" so I'm guessing a crawl space or something.

R8RFAN · 02-13-2011, 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

She lives under our home. We pay the phone bill. So she has no privacy. We don't play the... "her space" game here.

Bingo... Same here... I have a 14 yr old daughter, she is absolutely gorgeous and every dumbass kid likes her, which sucks ass ... I have most of those little bastards terrified of me.

I pay the bill, I can read her phone at any time I want.... She knew this upfront...
Phone is on charger on the bar at 9pm sharp.... 1 min late she loses it for a day..... You would be surprised how prompt they can be....

13 and 14 is too young and it makes me sick to think of some little bastard with his hands up my daughters shirt but you know it's gonna happen...

Good luck to ya brah, I am in the same boat

wutamess · 02-13-2011, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JD10367

When I was around nine, my dad was smoking. I tugged on his jacket and pointed at the cig. He said, "What, you want to try this?" I nodded eagerly. He handed it to me. I took a drag and choked, and spent the next half-hour coughing. He laughed his ass off. I never wanted to smoke cigarettes again. Around the same age, he would buy me little nips of blackberry brandy to try. While other kids were grousing about their parents not letting them drink, I was bragging that my dad bought me nips of blackberry brandy. Obviously I was only sipping on them occasionally, but the simple fact that it was not "off limits" to me made me not want to do it more. He also said, "If you want to get shitfaced, I'll go out and buy you all the beer you want, and you can get shitfaced right here in the house. If you try to go out and do it, I'll beat the crap out of you." And, of course, because that was more of a hard-ass line, I crossed it repeatedly, especially between 17 and 21 (drinking illegally at heavy metal concerts, driving while buzzed, etc.,.). But as soon as I hit 21, my drinking fell off to almost nothing. So I guess my dad did something right. (But I know, in today's world, you could never buy your kid nips of blackberry brandy. They'd take your kids away and throw you in jail.)

This makes a world of sense but you know how scary that approach could be. You coulda turned alcoholic, etc. Don't believe in trying that approach. Just trying to go about the way we were raised and the way my mother raise my sis. She often heeds of mistakes around what age she made.

One of them was giving her freedom around the 12-14 range. Sister took it and ran with it.

Fairplay · 02-13-2011, 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

You do realize you can go online and see all of her texts, correct? At least you can with ATT. It's okay to look at the texts on her phone but don't say a word about it, you have information that they are not aware that you have.

Yes this is the big brother age, everything is being recorded. Every move you make, every breath you take.

wutamess · 02-13-2011, 10:03 AM

One more important thingy.... I did a browser history check on her laptop last week and saw that she'd been visiting a porn website. Told her to stay off of those sites.

wutamess · 02-13-2011, 10:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fairplay

Yes this is the big brother age, everything is being recorded. Every move you make, every breath you take.

Sprint can't check texts online.

soopamanluva · 02-13-2011, 10:07 AM

We can give you advice but we don't know your little girl, You do. Somethings proposed here will work, some won't. You know how mature she is and what type of parenting techniques she will respond to. Just use your parental discernment and you will be fine.

soopamanluva · 02-13-2011, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

One more important thingy.... I did a browser history check on her laptop last week and saw that she'd been visiting a porn website. Told her to stay off of those sites.

Go into her setting and lock those out. Make yourself the administrator and limit her access to those.

Fairplay · 02-13-2011, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JD10367

When I was around nine, my dad was smoking. I tugged on his jacket and pointed at the cig. He said, "What, you want to try this?" I nodded eagerly. He handed it to me. I took a drag and choked, and spent the next half-hour coughing. He laughed his ass off. I never wanted to smoke cigarettes again. Around the same age, he would buy me little nips of blackberry brandy to try. While other kids were grousing about their parents not letting them drink, I was bragging that my dad bought me nips of blackberry brandy. Obviously I was only sipping on them occasionally, but the simple fact that it was not "off limits" to me made me not want to do it more. He also said, "If you want to get shitfaced, I'll go out and buy you all the beer you want, and you can get shitfaced right here in the house. If you try to go out and do it, I'll beat the crap out of you." And, of course, because that was more of a hard-ass line, I crossed it repeatedly, especially between 17 and 21 (drinking illegally at heavy metal concerts, driving while buzzed, etc.,.). But as soon as I hit 21, my drinking fell off to almost nothing. So I guess my dad did something right. (But I know, in today's world, you could never buy your kid nips of blackberry brandy. They'd take your kids away and throw you in jail.)

Father and son talks always bring a tear to my eye.

soopamanluva · 02-13-2011, 10:10 AM

If she hangs out with older cousins/ family members, be on top of that too. That's where I got ALL my info from. Cousins who were 6-8 years older than me.

Fairplay · 02-13-2011, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

One more important thingy.... I did a browser history check on her laptop last week and saw that she'd been visiting a porn website. Told her to stay off of those sites.

Set the restriction up on the laptop to safe search strict.

R8RFAN · 02-13-2011, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fairplay

Set the restriction up on the laptop to safe search strict.

better yet get a software for safe family surfing....
Fairplay, she could just click that safe surfin stuff off

Brock · 02-13-2011, 10:13 AM

I don't envy you. Teenage girls are hell on a dad.

02-12-2011, 11:11 PM
wutamess MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lee's Summit Casino cash: $4711637	Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore. So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so. Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand. I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about". When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything. So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc. Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet. My question is... WTF do I do? My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one. I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment. Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start.. Post (THE TALK) Update: This morning... So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go. So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this... Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger). Her: OK Me: Are you ready for sex? Her: No Me: What's stopping you and why not? Her: Becuase it'll hurt Me: That's it? Her: And because of AIDS and diseases Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for? Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff. Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed? Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it. Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY? Her: No! I've never kissed anyone. Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before? Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone. Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me. Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it. Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama? Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales. Her: What's morales? Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers. Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms? Her: yes! Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation? Her: Yes! Me: So do you have any questions? Her: No. Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you? Her: No boys. Me: So why'd you do it? Her: because I thought Skype didn't count Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys? Her: Quiet. I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything? I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic. I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK! Last edited by wutamess; 02-13-2011 at 08:45 PM..
Posts: 8,290

02-13-2011, 09:29 AM	#151
BigRedChief Has a particular set of skills Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: On the water Casino cash: $-821038 VARSITY	You do realize you can go online and see all of her texts, correct? At least you can with ATT. It's okay to look at the texts on her phone but don't say a word about it, you have information that they are not aware that you have. It can help you manage events and your daughter to go down a path that you approve but she herself chooses. Taking away her phone will not work. This generation lives in and with social media. You can't fight that if you want your daughter to be treated as "normal" by her peers. Ypu can't "punish" here into making right choices in her life. She now needs your help in making the "right" choice on her own, She has to be allowed to fail and make bad decisions. What you don't want is those "bad" decisions to be something she can't recover from. There's always going to be a guy who wants to go further that she wants to go, an oppertunity to try drugs, go to parties. You can't stop that from happening. You just have to help her learn how to deal with those situations and hope she makes the right choice. __________________ Mahomes is not a game manager. Release the Kraken.
Posts: 81,362

02-13-2011, 10:03 AM	#157
wutamess MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lee's Summit Casino cash: $4711637	One more important thingy.... I did a browser history check on her laptop last week and saw that she'd been visiting a porn website. Told her to stay off of those sites.
Posts: 8,290

02-13-2011, 10:07 AM	#159
soopamanluva Banned Join Date: Jan 2009 Casino cash: $10005147	We can give you advice but we don't know your little girl, You do. Somethings proposed here will work, some won't. You know how mature she is and what type of parenting techniques she will respond to. Just use your parental discernment and you will be fine.
Posts: 847

02-13-2011, 10:10 AM	#162
soopamanluva Banned Join Date: Jan 2009 Casino cash: $10005147	If she hangs out with older cousins/ family members, be on top of that too. That's where I got ALL my info from. Cousins who were 6-8 years older than me.
Posts: 847

02-13-2011, 10:13 AM	#165
Brock Say hello to my little friend Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Larryville Casino cash: $9598422	I don't envy you. Teenage girls are hell on a dad.
Posts: 47,314