Confronting a cheater

[The Dude Abides]

Haven't been here in awhile, so check this out. Guess this could be related to the cheaters thread, but oh well. I had been seeing this woman for about 3 years. Everything was great, we got along, amazing sex, etc. But during this whole time, I live in Wichita, she in Newton, a 30 minute drive. She always had to visit me at my house because she lived with her ex. They had never been married, just dated for 9 years. Long story short, I saw the end coming, she was pulling away, as she had done before a few years ago, so I found where she lived and told her supposed ex the whole story of me and his woman. Oh yeah, they were very much together, he said. But he was a big puss and didn't get mad or anything. But needless to say, she got hysterical, said she hated me, i ruined her life, etc. I knew all this was going to happen anyway, but I just couldn't let her get away with her doing the whole player thing. So basically, what is your opinion on confronting the cheaters significant other?

[DeezNutz]

Originally Posted by stevieray

it is unrealistic..the price gets paid somewhere along the line. already has.

Not following you here. What's unrealistic?

I'm saying that a woman's sense of self-worth should have nothing to do with a man, and that should be the message. I don't think it's being sent very strongly, either.

My opinion. Others are, of course, welcome to disagree.

[stevieray]

Originally Posted by Katipan

True.

But if a woman fails at her job, it's no big deal. If she fails at being a mother, she's a social pariah.

It's the opposite for men.

..is there a name for female deadbeat dads?

please don't downplay the revocation the man card of men who don't provide for their family..it screams loser.

[stevieray]

Originally Posted by DeezNutz

Not following you here. What's unrealistic?

I'm saying that a woman's sense of self-worth should have nothing to do with a man, and that should be the message. I don't think it's being sent very strongly, either.

My opinion. Others are, of course, welcome to disagree.

sounds like Oprah..

I'd venture to say that a woman's self worth has alot to do with a man...namely her father...and later her husband...women seek love.

[MOhillbilly]

ive had one steady woman cheat on me and i gave her every reason in the world. lol.

[memyselfI]

Originally Posted by Katipan

True.

But if a woman fails at her job, it's no big deal. If she fails at being a mother, she's a social pariah.

It's the opposite for men.

I am not sure how old you are but from where I'm sitting (44) men do not get a pass for failing at fathers. MOF, they have the burden of being good at their jobs AND being good at home.

Women must be good at home and it's a plus if she's good at her job. There is not the social stigma of a woman failing to provide for her family the way there is for men.

[DeezNutz]

Originally Posted by stevieray

sounds like Oprah..

I'd venture to say that a woman's self worth has alot to do with a man...namely her father...and later her husband...women seek love.

Agree with the father part.

Did you not see my discussion of tits and ass?

[Katipan]

Originally Posted by memyselfI

I am not sure how old you are but from where I'm sitting (44) men do not get a pass for failing at fathers. MOF, they have the burden of being good at their jobs AND being good at home.

30. And I know plenty of young men in a culture of "it's my baby's mamma's problem."

I'd guess your older generation is more home and hearthy. The younger generation thinks there's other things to do. And the more we encourage the fact that a young woman can do anything and everything independently, the more she's going to be asked to do so.

[dirk digler]

Originally Posted by memyselfI

I am not sure how old you are but from where I'm sitting (44) men do not get a pass for failing at fathers. MOF, they have the burden of being good at their jobs AND being good at home.

Women must be good at home and it's a plus if she's good at her job. There is not the social stigma of a woman failing to provide for her family the way there is for men.

I don't know about that at all. I think there is alot less social stigma on a man sucking as a father than a women sucking as a mother.

[memyselfI]

Originally Posted by stevieray

sounds like Oprah..

I'd venture to say that a woman's self worth has alot to do with a man...namely her father...and later her husband...women seek love.

Women who find affirmation from the outside and equate that affirmation with love do, I agree with you there.

Ultimately, it's up to a woman (and a man) to find that they have to find their validation from within and whatever comes from the outside only seeks to REINFORCE what you believe and NOT define it for you.

Some of us women figure this out early in life but most us take a good portion of our lives to get there.

[memyselfI]

Originally Posted by dirk digler

I don't know about that at all. I think there is alot less social stigma on a man sucking as a father than a women sucking as a mother.

I agree with that. My disagreement was with the notion that a man can suck as a father as long as he's good at his job. I disagree with that. These days the male figure has the responsibility to be the primary breadwinner AND an equal partner in the household.

As such, their burden has shifted along with women's.

[memyselfI]

Originally Posted by Katipan

30. And I know plenty of young men in a culture of "it's my baby's mamma's problem."

I'd guess your older generation is more home and hearthy. The younger generation thinks there's other things to do. And the more we encourage the fact that a young woman can do anything and everything independently, the more she's going to be asked to do so.

Well, I'm sorry MOST men younger than 30 do not know WTF is going on in their lives let alone how to care for a wife and child in the way they will 10 or 20 years down the road. That's what the 20s is for. That is why I think it's important for men (and women) to wait until their late 20s to start families or even get married.

And the notion that women can have it all is really fiction. The notion that ANY person can have it all is fiction. Somewhere along the line there are crossroads and sacrifices are made. The key is being able to live with the choices made based on those sacrifices.

I think that is ultimately the idea of having it all. Looking back on your choices and feeling you made the right ones and the sacrifices you chose were not in vain.

[dirk digler]

Originally Posted by memyselfI

I agree with that. My disagreement was with the notion that a man can suck as a father as long as he's good at his job. I disagree with that. These days the male figure has the responsibility to be the primary breadwinner AND an equal partner in the household.

As such, their burden has shifted along with women's.

Ok I agree with that.

I went back and re-read your post I mis-read it because you were talking about men providing for their family.

[Iowanian]

A lot of men are having trouble being husbands and fathers NOW because their parents didn't give them a good example a decade or two ago.


The product of a baby-mama, bad divorce, or 2 mom's isn't going to KNOW how to be a good father/husband without some positive example in front of them, with rare exceptions.

[stevieray]

Originally Posted by memyselfI

.

Some of us women figure this out early in life but most us take a good portion of our lives to get there.

same for men...

[Saccopoo]

Originally Posted by Katipan

I don't believe Jilly is saying what I did was the brightest thing in the world, I believe she's agreeing with my mindset.

It not being all that different from other female mindsets.

At the end of the day, I made one guy very happy, and I found the courage to leave the unhappy guy. There were other options available but I was too scared. I have since rectified that.

I'm cool with that. I have to be.

I'm sorry if I started sounding like an ass. I'm wont to do that from time to time. Perhaps I tend to put my own feelings stemming from my past relationship(s) into conversation and have them inadvertently affect my objectivity regarding the subject at hand.

The past is the past, and the only thing we can do is hopefully learn from it and move on and be a better person in the future (if that's your/our/we/he/she's goal).