The Herm Edwards Bible

[Direckshun]

Here's a boom-or-bust, 400-post or 0-post thread for bored Chiefs fans.

I think we can all agree Herm Edwards is far more straightforward in his football philosophies than most coaches.

Well submit your axioms that you honestly believe that Herm Edwards follows when it comes to building a football team, and hark!, I shalt do mine best to incorporate them into a two- or three-book mini-Bible, written in the holiest of prose, and constantly adapting to incorporate your newly-added Commandments.

The axioms can relate to offense, defense, leadership, game strategies, team chemistry, public speaking, his own personal history ("and Dungy begat Edwards") -- whatever you can reasonably relate to Herm. The more the better, I would ideally like this to be a good-sized Good Book.

A couple serious axioms I can think up off the top of my head (I figure you folks won't have any trouble thinking up punchlines) would be like the following:

• Thou shalt build thy teams through the Draft.
• Thou shalt draft Best Player Available.
• Thou shalt not get things twisted.

Then I'll take your suggestions later and try to write out The New Testament Of Herm or whatever. The following is what I've got so far for this gloriously makeshift Holy Word.

The Book of Herm

Chapter 1

1 In 1978, year of our Lord, the Ancient Giants found themselves ensconced in a comfortable lead in the waning seconds of a 17-12 victory over thine Golden Eagles upon the gridiron of the Meadowlands. 2 All that stood between themselves and victory was a 3rd-and-2 kneel-down to kill off the remaining seconds off the clock. 3 But in those crucial seconds that echo throughout the Heavens and the Earth, there would be no kneel-down. 5 Instead, a Miracle reared itself, as the Lord slipped the ball from the hands of Pisarcik, and from this Immaculate Separation doth borne Herman Edwards. 6 To be known among God’s children as “Herm,” he made good work of the Lord’s blessing, hauling the fumbled treasure 26-yards for a defensive touchdown and a 19-17 shocker. Prodigy was borne this day.

7 Truly infused in the mind of this man of football was a dedication to all that is righteous and outspoken. 8 Herm would grow into a head coach and spiritual learner of this most holiest of sports, enduring trials and tribulations in the strange lands of Tampa Bay and New York, before riding into Arrowhead, the Lord’s Promised Land, on the back of a 4th round pick.

9 His words would ring throughout the press, enlightening and befuddling a city that continued to worship the false idol Dick Vermeil. 10 He implored to his newfound flock that they misunderstood what a successful organization looked like. That they, in fact, knew not what they do.

11 And upon Arrowhead Drive he stood in a snappy sweater vest, and thus began Herman’s Sermon on the Mount. 12 A truer test of character the world had never known.

[Buehler445]

Originally Posted by Dylan

Thank you guys! You're right. The posters are very unique.

Even though I root for another team, I have followed the KC Chiefs. Overall, I have a great deal of respect for them.

Thanks again for a warm welcome.

What team do you follow? (Don't say Broncos or Raiders)

[carlos3652]

I dont know if it has been mentioned yet, but you need to put in as miracles:

1992-94 - Scouted and Groomed Dale Carter, Kevin Ross, and Albert Lewis while in KC
1996-2000 - Groomed John Lynch, Donnie Abraham, Ronde Barber and Dexter Jackson in TB
2002 - Started the season 2-5, made the playoffs at 9-7 and defeated the Colts 41-0 in the playoffs...
2006 Playoff Berth - when three teams lost...

[Dylan]

Originally Posted by Buehler445

What team do you follow? (Don't say Broncos or Raiders)

No... We play the Chiefs every few years.

The last game we played together, Priest Holmes ran all over us. No one could stop him OR slow him down... lol

[Buehler445]

Originally Posted by Dylan

No... lol ... We play the Chiefs every few years.

The last game we played together, Priest Holmes ran all over us. No one could stop him... lol

Priest ran over a lot of people. Seriously, what team do you root for.

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by Dylan

...I have followed the KC Chiefs. Overall, I have a great deal of respect for them.

So is the n00b a liar or an idiot?

[carlos3652]

Originally Posted by Dylan

No... We play the Chiefs every few years.

The last game we played together, Priest Holmes ran all over us. No one could stop him OR slow him down... lol

My Guess is Atlanta...

[Dylan]

No... Not Atlanta -- not south lol

I would hate for someone to hold that against me. Some would... In addition, I would never talk about your team. I'm sure the person in charge knows! They can probably tell you where I work... Don't tell! lol j/k

This forum has excellent football knowledge as well as humor. The humor is priceless!

[Logical]

Originally Posted by Simplex3

Then Herm was led by the fans into the desert to be tempted by the scoring of 22 points. After punting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempters came to him and said, "If you are the Hire of Carl, tell this quarterback to throw deep to win."

Herm answered, "It is written: 'A team does not win on points alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of his coach.'"

Then the fans took him to the holy stadium and had him stand on the highest point of the 300 level. "If you are the Hire of Carl," they said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: 'He will command his field crew concerning you, and they will lift their tarp up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against the field.'"

Herm answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put thy hourly employees to work during the week.'"

Again, the fans took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the trophies of the Lombardi and their splendor. "All this I will give you," they said, "if you will throw down field and score 22 points."

Herm said to them, "Away from me, fans! For it is written: 'Scoring more than 21 points in a game isn't real football, it's Arena League football.'"

Then the fans left him, and Carl came and attended him.

Nicely done you are getting better at this here versing.

[Wa-Z]

Thou shall make like a tree when in doubt of game management.

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Thou shalt not play Arena League Football on the Sabbath, for scoring is an affront to the lord.

And, in Herm's Revelations 6:12

And I beheld when he had scored the 22nd point in a half, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood;

6:13 And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind. And the Lord Herm was displeased, for he never wasted his figs.

6:14 And the heaven Arrowhead departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain of men and island were moved out of their places, for they had forsaken the Herm after 2-14.

6:15 And the kings of the earth, the Patriots and the great men, the Mannings, and the rich men, the McNabbs, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, and every Tank hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains, for they had seen football, and it was not this circus.

[FAX]

And so it came to pass that all the people saw the HBO, and heardest they the bellowings of the coaches, and they saw the defensive speed and the cuttings of the dead wood and of the 3rd string quarterback: and when the people saw it, they believed, and stood afar off in wonderment and awe.

And they said unto Herm, Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not Carl speak unto us, lest we die and perceive mighty diseases upon our loins. And Herm said unto the people, Fear not: for Carl is come to prove you, and that his fear may be before your faces, that ye bitch not and no more shalt thy bitch.

And the people stood afar off, and Herm drew near unto the thick darkness of the office where Carl was. And Carl said unto Herm, Thus thou shalt say unto the people, Ye have seen that I have talked with you from mine office and from mine office hath I spoken unto you. Ye shall not make unto me trophies of silver, neither shall ye make unto me trophies of gold.

An altar of cash thou shalt make unto me, and shalt sacrifice thereon thy mortgage payments, and thy insurance premiums, and thy food budget for thine season tickets and for thine two ticket packages shalt thy sacrifice: and in all places I will come unto thee, and I will bless thee with parking and beer containers like unto a thimble.

And if thou wilt make me an altar of cash, thou shalt not build it of hewn Dammit Carl t-shirts: for if thou lift up mine name upon it, thou hast polluted thy garments. And Herm did speak now in the ears of the people, and let every man borrow of his neighbour, and every woman of her neighbour, jewels of silver, and coins of gold, and borrowings of every kind and giveth them they unto Carl.

FAX

[Direckshun]

It's times like this where I realize I have completely underrated the creativity on this board.

[huskerdooz]

Thou shalt have no other Curly Dicks before thee.

[huskerdooz]

Originally Posted by Direckshun

Chapter 1

1 In 1978, year of our Lord, the Ancient Giants found themselves ensconced in a comfortable lead in the waning seconds of a 17-12 victory over thine Golden Eagles upon the gridiron of the Meadowlands. 2 All that stood between themselves and victory was a 3rd-and-2 kneel-down to kill off the remaining seconds off the clock. 3 But in those crucial seconds that echo throughout the Heavens and the Earth, there would be no kneel-down. 5 Instead, a Miracle reared itself, as the Lord slipped the ball from the hands of Pisarcik, and from this Immaculate Separation doth borne Herman Edwards. 6 To be known among God’s children as “Herm,” he made good work of the Lord’s blessing, hauling the fumbled treasure 26-yards for a defensive touchdown and a 19-17 shocker. Prodigy was borne this day.

I'm curious what verse 4 says.

[PhillyChiefFan]

Welcome to the Planet Dylan. When I joined I was given a piece of advice that I will never forget, when all else fails...blame Carl.