z0MG!z I Got tProfiled! -OR- How To Stop Traffic In Style

[BY1401]

Saturday was not a good day to be driving a black Corvette in my neck of the woods.

It was a beautiful day, to be sure. I had to make a run out to school to use a computer to finish some homework because my version of Office at home doesn't have Access. I was about to jump in my truck, but decided that since it was so nice out I'd go ahead and take the car. As I'm finishing up my work, I overhear some guy talking to his mom on the phone about a murder that had taken place early in the morning in a bordering county. Before I left school, I checked out a news station's website to see if they had anything on it. They did. Turns out that a witness had identified the suspect to police and given them a description of the car he was driving, a 1988 black convertible Corvette, complete with the plate numbers. I wondered if anyone out there would mistake my car for this one and call 911 while I was heading home and then laughed at the notion, seeing as how my car is an '02 Z06.

Well, turns out someone made just that very mistake. And that person just happened to be driving a Sheriff's cruiser.

So here I am, driving down a multi-lane divided highway when I see a cruiser come racing up in a side lane and pull right behind me. My first thought was that this was one of my buddies messing with me. While I was out at school, I had checked my e-mail to find an invite from one of my friends to come to a big annual party. That buddy just happens to be a Major on the Sheriff's Department and commands the Operations Division, which includes motor patrol.

Now, this stretch of highway passes right in front of the Command Post and as I'm coming up on it, I see a whole lot of cruisers positioned to enter the roadway. Two cars pull out ahead of me and block the lanes while the rest of them pull behind the car tailing me. Then the lights come on.

At this point I'm still thinking it's my buddy. Granted, it's getting pretty elaborate, but I wouldn't put something like this past him. Anyway, I had pulled over onto the shoulder and was waiting for an officer to approach me. Didn't quite work out that way. I saw officers getting out of their cars, but they were staying behind their open doors. Some of them were getting their dogs out, others were busting out rifles, and the rest had their handguns drawn.

"Well...****," I thought.

Realizing this wasn't what I thought it was, I shut the car off and rolled down the windows. I heard a voice barking out "Turn off the car!" and hoped that he hadn't been saying that for very long. Per the barking voice's commands, I tossed the keys out the window, held my hands where they were clearly visible, opened the door using my right hand, exited slowly, remained facing away from said voice, took two sideways steps from the vehicle, and started walking backwards with my hands up.

As I was doing this last part, several things came to mind. I realized that police cars had not only blocked traffic in my direction of travel, but had shut down the opposite lanes as well. I thought, "wow...this is some white trash shit right here. I am that guy on COPS." Then at some point the movie My Cousin Vinny came to mind. Very good movie, by the way. "Did you just say...two YUTES?" Lol. Classic, but I digress. I also knew what the next step was going to be, and I really was not looking forward to it. I had a crazy idea that I might be able to tell the barking voice that it's difficult for be to kneel on account of several knee surgeries, but knew that wouldn't do me any good. I prepared to just suck it up and deal with it.

Sure enough, the next command was to kneel down, place my hands behind my back, and, here's what I wasn't expecting, cross my feet. Jesus H. Christ. The kneeling part was bad enough, but crossing my feet was brutal. Anyway, the barking voice was getting closer, announcing that he was going to place handcuffs on me. Well, I call him barking voice, but he wasn't so much barking anymore. His tone had subdued, but I'm still going to call him barking voice for the purposes of this story.

So, yeah. Barking voice places me in handcuffs and instructs me to stand up, adding that if I try anything stupid, they'll shoot me. I thought that was a bit over the top, personally, seeing as how I though everything had gone pretty smoothly up to this point. Of course, I'm also wondering what it is that they might consider "stupid" and it's at this point that I thought I might be able to inform barking voice of the condition of my knees and to please not consider an inadvertent stumble on my part to be a shootable offense. He said he understood (although his tone of voice suggested that he was merely placating me) and I proceeded to get up rather gingerly.

Once I was on my feet the first question I was asked was for my name, which I gave. The standard "any weapons on you or in your car" was asked, to which I responded "no," and a pat-down commenced. I told them they would find the keys to my work truck, my personal truck, my cell phone, and a flash drive in my pockets, and that my license was in my wallet in the passenger's seat. Barking voice then asked me if I knew what was going on. Answering "no," he then informed me that someone driving a car like mine had just committed murder. "Holy shit!" I thought. "Two murders in the same day...both suspects in black Corvettes...what are the odds?"

Some other deputy had located my license and run it and I heard barking voice ask if anything had come back on it. Another voice replied "no locals," but barking voice wanted what I assumed was a national search on it as well. At this point I told barking voice that they wouldn't find anything and that [Operations Division Commander's name], [Chief Deputy's name], and [Sheriff's name] all knew me and could verify who I was. I thought now was as good a time as any to start dropping as many names as I could.

Everything came back clear, but as one final check, another deputy came up with my license to see if the photo matched my ugly mug. It did, so they let me out of the cuffs and by this point their weapons were lowered and traffic was let through. Barking voice asked me if I understood what had just happened and why they did what they did. I said I understood and then he asked me if I wanted him to give me his card so that I could contact his supervisors if I had any complaints about what happened.

I told him "nah, that's okay. I'll be seeing [Operations Division Commander's first name] tonight anyway."

You'd have thought a puppy had died by the look on his face.

And as it turns out, there wasn't a second murder like I had thought. It was the same one. When I got home, I sent an e-mail to the Sheriff which read:

"FYI, you might want to see about getting some training for your deputies on the differences between the Corvette body styles by generation, particularly between 4th and 5th."

The bright side of this whole escapade was at the time the deputy stopped me, I was doing 5 over. No ticket = win.

[L.A. Chieffan]

Nice story. Why did you commit the murder?

[rockymtnchief]

Damn, you didn't get tazered??? I thought that was S.O.P. these days.

Last year my mom had the same thing happen. Only she was in downtown Billings on a scooter. Someone had robbed a bank and used a scooter to get away. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong vehicle.

[Mile High Mania]

So, you expect the cops to know the body styles of all cars? They're just doing their job, don't be so over-sensitive.

[Pants]

Originally Posted by L.A.Chieffan

Nice story. Why did you commit the murder?

[Dayze]

Originally Posted by L.A.Chieffan

Nice story. Why did you commit the murder?

[Dayze]

Originally Posted by Mile High Mania

So, you expect the cops to know the body styles of all cars? They're just doing their job, don't be so over-sensitive.

yeah, but dude...an '88 vette and 2000 are completely different looking.
just sayin'.

88 = The A-Team

[Hydrae]

Originally Posted by Mile High Mania

So, you expect the cops to know the body styles of all cars? They're just doing their job, don't be so over-sensitive.

And to be certain that the witness got it completely right as well.

[Dayze]

Originally Posted by Hydrae

And to be certain that the witness got it completely right as well.

good point.

I take back my psuedo jab MHM.

[Brock]

Originally Posted by Mile High Mania

So, you expect the cops to know the body styles of all cars? They're just doing their job, don't be so over-sensitive.

Wow, expecting them to know what kind of car they're looking for, how unreasonable.

[Inspector]

So...what did you do with the bloody glove?

[Demonpenz]

they should have rammed a night stick ino you belly for no having t tops

[Dayze]

Your Z06 is obviously cursed, and you should get rid of it.

I will, reluctantly, take it off your hands. Just let me know when you're available to hand over the keys.

[Mile High Mania]

Originally Posted by Brock

Wow, expecting them to know what kind of car they're looking for, how unreasonable.

I would think it would be more unreasonable to just take the witness description with 100% accuracy and not look for 'similar looking vehicles'.

[Pants]

Originally Posted by Mile High Mania

I would think it would be more unreasonable to just take the witness description with 100% accuracy and not look for 'similar looking vehicles'.

ur dum